Sigh, fine, I'll do a sequel to Hell in a Hospital. Anyway, this is the Hell in a Hospital crack fic I promised, where that fic was originally born from, as a matter of fact. This is your real birthday present, Sara!
Disclaimer: I own the plot. That's about it. Most of the jokes are either not mine, or references between references. And some of you may notice some very random words like timesis in this chapter- well, my brother knows random words like that, and he told me to put them in here. It doesn't matter if you know what they mean or not, this fic still won't make sense. Enjoy
"Oh, Chase!" Cameron gasped when they entered the apartment together, squealing and clapping her hands together in excitement. "I can't believe you remembered!" Chase stared as dashed forward towards the big box on the table and started trying to rip it open.
"Um... yeah... yeah, of course I remembered... how could I forget our..." he trailed off, trying in vain to figure out what it was he had apparently remembered.
"Oh, our anniversary!" Cameron said happily, finally succeeding in opening the box. "I can't believe you remembered- NEJI! NEEEEEEJIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Cameron pulled a tiny, plush doll out of the box and hugged it tightly, practically screaming, "OH MY GOD ITS SO ADORABLE I LOVE IT!"
Chase stared at her in confusion, slowly walking forward as he asked, "Um... thanks? I guess?"
Cameron kissed the doll- much to Chase's disgust- then jumped to her feet and grabbed his hand, though still holding on her the doll. "Come on, Chase, I've got to give you a gift too!" She pulled him into the bedroom and started kissing him enthusiastically. Chase, who thought the doll might be a timesis between simple splenticism to sex and somewhat shocked at this turn of events, decided to simply go with it as he started kissing her back.
Before they'd been at it for too long, though, Chase heard a sound like a branch cracking. He stopped his assault on his girlfriend's mouth and whispered, "Allison? Did you hear something just now?"
Cameron- who was still cradling the doll in one hand- shook her head and pulled him back down. Chase sighed and was about to forget about the mysterious- and probably imagined- noise when he shifted slightly to the right, putting the window directly in his line of vision.
Outside the open window, using a completely unnecessary pair of binoculars, was a teenage girl. She was watching them have sex through binoculars- though she was three feet away.
Chase screamed, immediately rolling onto the floor and trying to get his clothes on. The girl was so shocked she tumbled inside, bringing with her a life-size doll of Chase himself. "Damn it!" she shouted as she landed on the floor, her hands immediately flying to protect both her doll of Chase and her very large stomach.
Cameron simply sat up in bed and stared at her in shock, but when the teenager saw her holding on to the doll, she screamed, "NEJI! YOU TOOK MY PRESENT TO CHASE! HOW COULD YOU?"
"Wha... wha... YOUR present?" Cameron exclaimed as she scrambled out of bed as she pulled one of Chase's oversized sweatshirts on. "You mean... Chase DIDN'T remember our anniversary? Oh, I'm... I'm crushed! Chase, my animadversion to you just got stronger! I'm just... I'm just so crushed and heartbroken, I... I just... I don't know how I can go on!" She threw herself on the floor and started sobbing and having what looked like a temper tantrum. "I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore! I- I- I'm thinking of getting into... male modelling!" Both Chase and the teenager stared down at her in shock at the last statement as she continued to scream and cry. "Or maybe... high finance... I JUST DON'T KNOW!"
Chase just stared at her, wondering if he'd somehow wondered into an apalogue full of weird, wolf-like creatures, when the teenager dashed forward and tried to grab this 'Neji' from Cameron.
Immediately, his girlfriend shouted, "No! Leave my Neji alone, you slut snake woman!"
"Hey!" the girl retorted back as the pair engaged in a tug-of-war over Neji. "Don't you diss my risky fashion choices!" Chase started momentarily at the girl's clothes- a green and silver dress covered with lime green and purple snakes, then stepped in between them.
"EVERYBODY BE QUIET!" he shouted, and the girl fell silent immediately and stared at him with adoring- and somewhat creepy- eyes, while Cameron huffed and stopped fighting over the doll. "Okay, who the HELL are you?" he shouted at the girl.
"I'm the girl who's been sending you all these letters! You know, the poems! And how could you not recognize me?"
Chase frowned, examining her for another moment, then gasped and whispered, "You... you're the girl! You're the fifteen year old pregnant girl we treated for gonorrhea! Nami Malfoy!"
Nami squealed excitably and clapped her hands together happily. "Yay, you remembered!"
Suddenly, Cameron seemed to notice the life-size doll of her boyfriend on the floor. "Wait a minute, you're a member of the stalker dolls club?" his girlfriend gushed. "Why didn't you say so?" she rushed over to the closet and pulled out a doll of Spencer Reid, from Criminal Minds.
Nami gasped and rushed over, and the two women started talking happily about the dolls. Chase started them, then just got his cell phone out and called Spencer. "Reid!" he snapped. "I thought we ordered these dolls in mini-size! You know, so we could hide in peoples' portmanteau's and confirm already apodictic facts! Yeah, yeah, get on over here so we can fix this, why don't you?"
Suddenly, a giant foot crashed into his bedroom, amid the screams of Nami, who was begging Chase to be there when she gave birth to her son- who she'd already named after him. Chase groaned and simply lay down on the floor next to the giant foot, wondering if he could possibly be katzenjammer and having a bad dream.
The giant foot belonged to one Casey Novak- who just happened to be yet another doll- who was talking with a giant Olivia Benson doll. "Olivia," she was saying, "we can't have sex here! We could crush people!"
"Yes, but look!" Olivia thundered and pointed down at one of the buildings. "That's the headquarters of all unholy shippers, such as those who pair donuts and waffles or cakes and Chinese food together!"
"Yes! Oh, Olivia you are so savoir fare!" Casey shouted, jumping up down. "We can crush them!" With that, the two tumbled down and crushed the palace of unholy shippers, Chase and Cameron began randomly having sex, and Nami crushed the Chase, Neji, and Reid dolls together in attempt at a threesome.
THE END. Please review!