I know it hurts. You have the right to be hurt. I know some of you are struggling. None of us can bring Lexa back. But she didn't die in vain, and our fights are not over. Be strong, everyone, she would want us to be. Don't lose faith. They will always be a reason to fight, and we you get smacked down... gyon op nodotaim.
It's All Going To Be Ok (You Are Not Alone)
You can listen to "If I get High" by Nothing but Thieves. It fit perfectly.
Clarke is staring at the sky. It's a beautiful night, cloudless, and the moon and stars are so bright they have no trouble moving around in the dark. Clarke knows well which night it is. She remembers everything. A year. A year had passed by in a blur. A year, she had to go through without her. And Clarke has to say; even if her friends had been supportive –even Roan had been supportive- , it hurts. Every day, every morning when she would wake up and remember she's not here to say good morning with a kiss on her forehead. Every decision she had to make, which she makes alone, without green eyes to tell her it was the good call. Without this voice, she loved so much, telling her that the "living are hungry".
Clarke knows Lexa was right. Lexa had always been right about everything. Well, almost everything. Clarke hears the delinquents laugh, behind her. They're around the campfire, laughing and smiling and singing stupid songs. A tiny smile escapes Clarke's lips. Sometimes, she goes over there and sits with them, drinking a few drinks and joking with them. But not tonight, though. Tonight, the pain's too heavy on her chest.
She begins to walk around Arcadia. After A.L.I.E was destroyed, things gently came back to "normal". With Roan's support and his loyalty to Lexa's system, they succeeded keeping the peace between every clan. Skaikru is back into the Coalition. They found new nightblood children, few months ago. Soon, one of them will take the Flame and become the next commander. This year was hard; but they managed. Titus is still dead; and Clarke found someone else to be the flame keeper in her place. The guy is going to be a great counsellor, Clarke knows this.
Kane is Skaikru's ambassador now, and regularly goes to Polis with Clarke's mother. Clarke is happy for them. Clarke continues her walk, and spots Bellamy, kissing a girl a few steps away. She is happy for him, too; after all they've been through, she's happy he has found someone to love, who loves him back. They all deserved second chances.
Clarke tugs at the necklace around her neck while she walks. Roan gave it to her, six months ago. This is Lexa's forehead piece, on a tiny sliver chain. He has found the piece in Lexa's quarters, and has given it to Clarke. This day, Clarke cried for the first time in six months for the lost of her lover. When Clarke can't take it anymore, and when the hole in her chest feels too big, she keeps the tiny piece of metal in her fist, close to her heart.
There are nights like this, where Clarke can't sleep. So she walks around, loses her eyes in the sky. Because she knows, wherever Lexa is now, that she's looking down at her. Watching her from afar, making sure Clarke is safe. Clarke sometimes feels Lexa's presence, like she's just behind her. Of course, she knows she's not. But the knowledge that Lexa is still here, somewhere, is enough to make her keep moving forwards.
Clarke is beginning to feel cold, so she goes back into Arcadia. In here, things have changed too. A lot of people don't live within the remaining of the Ark anymore. There weren't enough rooms anyways. Thanks to the peace, grounders and sky people started working together. The grounders helped them build shelters outside, tough enough to go through hard winters. Sky people taught them how to use tech in returns, giving them radios, and healers from different camp often exchange techniques and medicines. The first inter-clans children were born a couple of months ago. Clarke is proud. She knows Lexa would have been proud, too.
Clarke enters her little hut. Niylah and two others grounders helped her build it. It's not big, but it's not small either. It's perfect for Clarke. Next to her hut, there's Octavia's, Raven's, Bellamy's, and every each of their friends. They didn't plan to, but ended with living side by side, all of the remaining delinquents. Even if they all have their own house –well, Harper and Monty have one for the two of them, same for Brian and Miller- they often sleep together in the same hut. Actually, Clarke rarely sleeps alone. There is always Octavia and Raven with her. Sometimes, Bellamy lies in the same room, too. They don't speak about it, but they all know they need the proximity. They are stronger together. Clarke doesn't know how she would have stand on her feet, otherwise. Being alone in bed is always reminding her Lexa is not here to keep her warm through the night.
Clarke lies onto her bed, and stares at the ceiling. The ceiling is special, for Clarke. She painted it, almost a year ago. It's a big forest, with high trees and a night blue sky full of stars. It means a lot to Clarke. It reminds her of the green of Lexa's eyes. They all love the painting. There're a few blue luminous butterflies, on a field of white flowers. Clarke painted those pour Octavia. She knows it's the one Lincoln used to make Octavia go out of the drop ship camp. It reminds her friend of Lincoln. Octavia comes here too, to look at the painting, when the hole in her own chest is too painful. The ceiling is very large, so Clarke painted a lot of things. In the left corner, there's a broken bridge; it looks like the one Raven destroyed. She painted a destroyed Mount Weather too; she never wants to forget. At the foot of the mountain, she put two small silhouettes. They know it is Jasper's and Maya's. Jasper comes here, from time to time, to look at those two silhouettes that could have been way more than silhouettes. There's a third silhouette nearby the fallen mountain, and they know it's Gina's. For Bellamy. There's also a house in the middle of the painting, surrounded by trees. It looks like the drop ship, with silhouettes around too. They know there's one for every dead 100. Clarke drew a pauna, a bit of TonDC and the two-headed deer. There is a small flying drone, for the people A.L.I.E took away. There are a few ravens, flying around. Raven knows it's for her, to remind her of Finn. They don't talk about the painting, but they all like to come here and stare at it.
But what they don't know, it's the hidden figure, on the bottom left corner. Clarke painted a small animal, but it's almost invisible, in the green vegetation. But if you look closer, or with aware eyes like Clarke's, you can see the pair of green eyes the animal has. Those are Lexa's, and this is Clarke's secret. So whenever she becomes too overwhelmed, or the weight of responsibilities is too heavy on her tired shoulders, she comes here, and looks at the small figure. Lexa gives her strength, even if she's not physically here.
Clarke sighs and exits the room before she's too overwhelmed. She spent five weeks painting the ceiling, but after it was finished, Clarke hadn't been able to go see it for a whole week. It's Octavia who took her hand one day, and brought her to look at her painting. And Clarke cried, that day too, In Octavia's arms.
Octavia is not mad at Clarke anymore. With time, she understood Clarke wasn't responsible for everything. The day Octavia first saw Clarke cry, when Roan gave her Lexa's forehead piece, she understood Clarke lost a grounder she loved, too. And since that day, they rejoined each other and share together this hole they have deep inside them. And together, they keep carrying on, because they know their lovers would have wanted them to fight. Get smack down, get back up again.
Sometimes, they are too tired to fight. Sometimes, when there is just the two of them in the bedroom, one burst into sobs for no reason, while the other rocks her down.
Except they have thousands reasons to break apart. They miss their loves of their lives, and they know it's never going to be the same ever again. They are at peace, but they know it came with a price. Price some of them paid with their lives.
Clarke is outside again. Some nights, she just goes in and out until someone comes to take her in her arms to allow her to let go. Her mother is in Polis, tonight. She asked Clarke if she wanted her to come back in Arcadia for this special night, but Clarke didn't want her mother to be separated from Kane if she didn't have to. Clarke is tugging at her necklace again. The night is quiet, but for Clarke it's screaming tainted memories at her. She sits on the ground, and tugs something out of her old jacket's pocket. This is a piece of crumbled paper; because of the many times Clarke folded and unfolded it. Clarke knows this paper by heart. It's Lexa's drawing, the one she did when she was in Polis with her, after she killed the Ice Queen. Clarke takes a deep breath, unfolds it, and finally lowers her eyes to look at the picture.
And Clarke breaks. Because she misses Lexa, she misses her like she's the air she needs to breathe. Because she misses her and Clarke knows she will never see her again. And Clarke cries, alone in the night on the cold floor, because Lexa is gone, and this night reminds her it's been a year Lexa left her. Clarke misses Lexa because she doesn't have those green eyes to ground her. She misses her soulmate, because now she is only half-complete and it's tearing her apart. She misses her, because Lexa was kind. Lexa was caring, despite hiding herself behind her stoic mask. Because Lexa taught her forgiveness and wisdom. Because Clarke looked up to Lexa and now they are people looking up to Clarke, but no one to guide her. She misses Lexa, because even if Clarke was angry at Lexa for so long, Lexa never gave up and did everything to earn Clarke's forgiveness, trust and love back. To deserve all of those things. Clarke misses Lexa, because she knows she doesn't have any more occasions to prove Lexa she deserved the love she had for her. The love Clarke still has for her.
Because Lexa deserved better. Because Lexa could have been so much more and because Clarke wishes the girl behind the commander could have had peace, too. Clarke cries, because Lexa will never see this peace she worked so hard for and wanted so bad for her people. Lexa will never walk into different clans and see an Azgeda woman with her new-born child, trying to play with his Trikru man of a father. She will never see what she would have not dared to dream of. And Clarke's heart is breaking, because the promise she made to Lexa in Polis will never come true for her lover. One day, maybe you and I will owe nothing more to our people. Because Lexa gave everything to her people.
Clarke is chancellor now, but just because people wanted her to carry the pin. They don't need her for decisions anymore. Things are easy, and can be handled quickly without problems and without someone yelling orders and directions.
They are not surviving anymore. But Clarke, she is still. Clarke is surviving, because she feels like she's not truly alive since Lexa is not by her side. And Clarke is sobbing over the drawing of the beautiful girl she wanted to call hers so bad.
Clarke feels two strong arms gently encircling her. She knows it is Octavia, and she knows her friend gets it. Octavia's special night is in two weeks, and she shares and understands the pain Clarke feels right now.
"It's going to be ok, Clarke. We will get through this. Together", Octavia whispers, gently stroking Clarke's hair.
Clarke shakes in her friend's arms, because she's tired, because she's heart-broken and because her lover is gone for a whole year.
But Clarke knows Octavia is right. She knows it will get better in time. She knows the pain will eventually fade; Clarke knows she will still feel pain, some days. Clarke knows Lexa would want her to live her life, happy. Clarke knows one day, she will be happy again. Not today, though. Today, she is hurting. But tomorrow, she knows she will hurt less. And the day after, it will be even easier.
Clarke doesn't want to forget, and she knows she will never. But she knows she needs to make sure Lexa's legacy lives after her. That everything Lexa worked for, and believed in, is still here. She cries less, now. She is thankful Octavia is here, grounding her. It's not Lexa, but she is not alone in her pain. Others feel what she's feeling, too.
Octavia helps Clarke get on her feet, and they go back into Clarke's hut. They lie on the bed, and stare at the ceiling. Clarke looks at the eyes she hid in the drawing. She feels a tear roll down her cheek. She feels Octavia lightly squeezing her hand, reminding her she is right here with her.
"I loved her" Clarke whispers after a while.
"I loved him, too. We are going to be ok" Octavia murmured back, and gets closer to Clarke until their shoulders touch.
They look at each other, and they smile. Clarke takes the pendant on her silver chain, and put it on the tip of her nose. Then, she moves her nose up and down, making the forehead piece wiggle, and it makes Octavia laughs.
Soon, they are both laughing lightly on the bed. Because life is still here, and is worth fighting for. Because love is worth it too, even if it doesn't last. Clarke and Octavia know they would do it all over again, if someone asked. Because even if their hearts are broken in their chests right now, they are happy it happened. They don't regret it at all. They only regret not having enough time, but they know it is something we never have enough of. Because love is not weakness, like Lexa first thought it was, and learned otherwise thanks to Clarke. Because love is what binds people together, and even if right now both girls are hurting because of it, they know it would have been a shame not to try it.
Octavia hugs Clarke, because they know they are going to be ok. They are still young, and they still have a whole life in front of them. They know they will get through this, together. Because they know they are not alone. Lexa is gone, it hurts like hell and Clarke is broken. Lincoln is gone too, it's deadly painful and Octavia is broken all the same.
But they will not stay broken forever. They will still have a crack in their hearts, reserved for Lexa and Lincoln. But they will learn to live with it, and learn to smile at the thought of their lovers instead of cry. And ultimately, they will truly live again.
Because they deserve better. And their fights are not over.
Cause I've got high hopes, it takes me back to when we started
High hopes, when you let it go, go out and start again
High hopes, when it all comes to an end
But the world keeps, spinning, again...
High Hopes, by Kodaline