AN: This is a song fic written to "The Only Exception" by Paramore. I'm not necessarily a fan of the band but the song is, in my humble opinion, a masterpiece and I'd really like to request that you listen to it before, during, or after you read this story. I've taken liberties with their backstories but who doesn't, at this point? Enjoy!
But, darling, you are the only exception.
She's sleeping and it's the only time he's not terrified of her. It's dark in his room but the blinds let in shafts of streetlight and they play over her arm and up the curve of her shoulder toward her neck, so in the dim of the room he can see her chest rising and falling slowly. Peacefully.
They're not peaceful people, she and he, not by a long shot. Maybe their career choices don't help, but in the end, the ache is a bit older than that of taking lives, of fighting a never-ending battle, of grasping at a justice that falls short of the crime.
They're not peaceful people, so Deeks likes to watch Kensi sleep, because when she's with him she doesn't toss and turn, and she sleeps through the night. It could mean nothing, but he's pretty sure it means everything.
When he wakes in the morning, she's not there, like usual. It hurts, like usual, but it's not unexpected and although they trust and distrust each other at the same time, Deeks finds it oddly comforting that this is, at least, something he can rely on.
When I was younger I saw my daddy cry and curse at the wind. He broke his own heart and I watched as he tried to reassemble it.
If Kensi takes a moment to be honest with herself (and she does this, very, very occasionally), she knows that there's nothing she'd like more than to let herself sleep into the morning, her back pressed up against Deeks. The only thing harder than forcing herself up before he wakes in the morning is living without her father. Yeah. You're not the only one who's surprised, trust her.
It's for the best, for him and for her. Even before Jack, she was a one date kind of girl, and if there's one thing she wants to convey to Marty Deeks and his stupid, wonderful smile, it's that she won't be had again. Before, there were guidelines. Now, Kensi has a rulebook, one she's adapted from her father, much like everything else in her life. Her circumstances may be different than her father's, but the point is the same – don't get in too deep, don't get hurt. Again.
And my mama swore that she would never let herself forget, and that was the day that I promised I'd never sing of love if it does not exist.
Deeks remembers the day he stopped trusting people, as a whole. His daddy was drunk, his mom was crying, and he had a smoking gun in his hands. Then, he'd been terrified, the front-running emotion, with hurt and anguish and remorse and all those other terrible adjectives bounding just behind. Now, he just marvels at what a great shot he'd been. Thankfully.
Make no mistake, Deeks is a people person on the surface. Healing has been slow, but steady. Still, that distrust of people lingers, and when he looks at Kensi and sees that wary snake of hurt and distrust coiled to strike behind her stormy, unmistakable eyes, Deeks knows that it's best not to want.
But.
But, darling, you are the only exception.
Well, maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul that love never lasts, and we've got to find other ways to make it alone or keep a straight face.
One thing Kensi knows for sure about the world is that love never, ever lasts. It's just a fact, something gleaned from observation and firsthand experience. Love grows bored, love grows tired, love dies, and it's easier to be alone because the hurt of loneliness smarts so much less than the hurt of loss, and even less than the hurt of betrayal. It's been years since Jack came home and then subsequently left, but the pain of that loss still licks at her like a flame. Case in point. The only thing that extinguishes it is Deeks, an all-around bigger threat (and oh, how Jack would've laughed at that. He just wouldn't understand). When she's with Deeks, she's between a rock and a hard place, but the funny thing is that he feels less like a rock and more like someone she can fall into, and sometimes she does. It's breaking the rules, but it's just this once.
And I've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance. And up until now, I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness, because none of it was ever worth the risk.
Deeks knows next to nothing about his partner's personal life, and the funny thing is that it's still more than he's known about any other woman he's spent this much time with, or invested this much emotion into.
Yeah. Terrifying. What's worse is that the more he learns about her, the more he needs her, and the more he needs her to need him. Maybe this is why he's never bothered to invest himself in his dates… because the consequences are too great. It's a little late for that realization now, though, because when Kensi climbs into his bed again a few days later, Deeks knows for sure that she has a grip on his heart, a grip no one's ever had before.
"Hey," he whispers, because he's not sure if she's asleep, which means he's a bit on edge.
I've got a tight grip on reality but I can't let go of what's in front of me here.
Kensi's almost asleep when she hears him whisper and she wants to tell Deeks to shut up, partly because she wants to sleep and partly because she doesn't want him to ruin… this. But instead, she whispers back, "Yeah?"
There's silence in the room, silence and the streetlights again, and this time he's the one muted by the dark and the light when she rolls over to face him, blinking back the grip of sleep and pressing her mussed hair out of her face.
I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up. Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream, oh…
Her face is dark, just a silhouette, but Deeks doesn't need light from the streetlamps or otherwise to know what she looks like. He knows her face like the back of his hand. It sounds like thunder outside but that's just his imagination, or maybe it's all in his eardrums, pounding up from his heart as he scoots a bit closer, feels rather than sees her tense up. He lays a hand on her shoulder, soft skin under his calloused fingertips, leaning in so their foreheads are pressed together.
"Stay, yeah?" he asks, and the words are tentative but his tone is not. It's a request, but it's also a bit of an ultimatum, albeit an unconscious one. He feels Kensi tense again and he strokes her skin softly, comforting wordlessly.
"It'll be fine," he promises, pressing just the slightest bit. Honestly, he's not so sure of that, but it seems like the right thing to say. It could be fine. He wants it to be fine.
He wants them to be fine.
Her shoulder slumps under his touch, the tension and maybe the resolve of her distrust running out of her, maybe because she's tired or maybe because she believes him. Either way…
You are the only exception, and I'm on my way to believing.
Yup. He's ruined it. The rules… everything… gone when he touches her, when he makes those false promises. Kensi wishes she were stronger and that she could resist, but Deeks' tone is so soft and so fucking genuine that she almost believes him, and her heart is so earnest to trust him that she just slumps, nodding her head.
"Sure," she agrees, hiding behind her hair, sliding back down to lay her head on his pillow. "Okay."
She can make an exception to her rules, just this once.
Just one more time.
I'm on my way to believing.