Disclaimer: I don't own Atlantis, wish I did, I need the money
A/N: This is my first fanfic, more chapters to follow, be gentle…..
Thanks go out to Djara, my beta, can't write without you
Chapter 1
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The darkness was fading into a pale grey mist, and feeling was coming back. The slow, dull throb became an ache, and finally a sharp slicing pain that made her wish the darkness would come back again. A small whimper was all it took for them to realise she was conscious, the pain intensified, and the darkness came again.
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John paced Elizabeth's office, swearing under his breath. He still called it Elizabeth's office, he was the only one that did. It was his way of feeling less alone, even though she'd been gone for over six months now.
He was muttering about the uselessness of scientists when Dr. Laura Mayer, the new civilian leader appeared.
"You'll wear a hole in my floor Colonel." She admonished.
"Any news?"
"Not as yet, she's still missing; they're doing their best Colonel."
'Their best isn't good enough' John thought mutinously, whilst replying with "Fine!" And marching stiffly out of the office, no longer feeling comfortable in it.
He couldn't stand to be near Dr. Mayer any longer than was absolutely necessary, at a little over five feet, blonde and severe; she was everything Elizabeth wasn't, including a leader. The military had been consigned to the bottom ranks, dogsbodies, there to fetch and carry for the civilian and scientific personnel. He hated her.
The original team had been split up, McKay now resided with the research team, the greatest mind on Atlantis was being wasted looking at rock samples and mouldy plants. Teyla returned to the Athosians on the mainland, couldn't cope with the loss of Elizabeth enough to stay. Ronan was employed in training everyone for hand-to-hand combat; Dr. Mayer didn't consider him 'trustworthy' enough to have on a military team.
Whilst that alone would have been bad enough, She had to bring others of her type back with her. Kavanaugh was the new lead scientist in Rodney's stead, and a handful of her own 'special people' were now occupying all the top spots in the city.
One of these people was Dr. Emily Turner, who at 23 was the youngest scientist John had ever met. She didn't act like the rest of them, she was normal, no airs and graces, or supercilious attitudes, she didn't put letters after her name, or pretend she knew everything, she even asked for help every now and again. In a way, she was like Elizabeth, and that hurt like hell.
Elizabeth. He'd seen her die, he saw the bullet hit her in the chest, saw her fall into the water. Forced through the gate, he couldn't get to her, there was no way. That moment, the moment she died played over in his head from the second he shut his eyes at night, in a way he welcomed seeing it, at least he got to see her everyday still, even if it was only in his nightmares.
Sheppard was striding with such purpose that he walked straight into Col. Caldwell, who had just arrived with the Dedalus, "They've not found her then." Caldwell stated, not bothering that Sheppard had just trod on his foot.
"No, she's still 'missing'" John responded, tugging a hand through his hair, a mixture of sarcasm and resignation tinged his words.
Caldwell sighed, feeling sorry for the younger man, "They'll find her Colonel, they want to. Besides," he said jerking his head towards the office, "She wants her back, and what she wants…well you know the rest."
"Too well, only too well." John gave a brief smile, and a nod of thanks before going in search of Dr. Beckett, Carson wanted to see if he was sleeping any better, and John wasn't looking forward to telling him it had actually gotten worse.
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She was awake again, but lay still on her side so they wouldn't know, the coppery tang of blood welled in her mouth and she wanted to gag. Slowly she opened her mouth and the blood dribbled out, to join the sticky pool already surrounding her. She didn't know how long she'd been there, or even her own name, all she knew was that she wanted so desperately to go home.
Suddenly a boot connected with her spine, her head swam, and darkness fell once more.
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Carson Beckett looked up as the shadow like figure of John Sheppard walked into the infirmary. 'No good news then' he thought, shaking his head slightly, before going to greet the colonel.
"Colonel Sheppard, you look like hell." Was the Scot's opening comment, as he led him to the nearest cubicle, "If you try to tell me you've been sleeping properly, I'll sedate you right here."
"Nice to see you too doc," Sheppard said sarcastically, but without his trademark grin, "but you're right, I've not slept."
"You can't help her like this John, I've told you, your body needs rest."
"She's lost Carson, she needs to come home, any way she can." Sheppard hung his head; no words could explain how he was feeling and why he couldn't sleep. He slumped back against the bed, "It shouldn't have happened Carson; she should still be here."
Judging by the defeat and sheer exhaustion in his voice, Carson could tell this was going beyond the current situation; he was punishing himself for more than he would admit to.
"I'm going to give you a sedative now, just a light one to help you drift off, if you won't sleep in your own time, you will on mine." Said the doctor, loading a syringe and injecting him, "Just relax."
Sheppard felt the drugs taking effect, but he didn't fight them, he waited to see Elizabeth but she never came, he saw something else. A girl with short dark hair laughing, dancing over an alien landscape, so happy to be free of the confines of the lab, then the sound of hooves, horses, men with swords, darkness, pain, screaming, heat, blood, pain, screaming, heat, blood, pain, screaming, heat, bloo…"EMILY!"
He leapt from the bed as though it were aflame, his heart was pounding so fast and the adrenaline rushing at such a speed, he didn't hear Carson shout his name. Then it was all gone and he collapsed, exhaustion claming his mind, and inducing a dreamless sleep.
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Carson had contemplated not telling Her what had happened, he knew She only tolerated him because he was a doctor, She would never like him, because he was military. It wasn't however worth the aggravation of not saying, She needed to be told.
So here he was, waiting in Meyer's office, waiting for her to deign to see him. And he was getting bored, he'd been waiting for half an hour, and he had patients to tend to. "Five minutes," he muttered, "five minutes and then I'm gone."
Four minutes later, Dr. Meyer wandered in, not bothering to apologise for her delay, sipping coffee, Beckettt barely contained his anger.
"You have something to tell me Dr. Beckett." Meyer stated, making it clear she was not asking a question, but making a demand,
"Aye, Colonel Sheppard came to see me earlier, he's not been sleeping for some time, I sedated him, so he could get some rest and he had some form of nightmare, he jumped out of bed and then collapsed."
"And you considered this of importance because?"
"Because he shouted Emily just before he woke up, considering he's not mentioned her by name in the last month I guessed there was some cause for concern. I believe he's punishing himself for her disappearance."
"And so he should," Meyer replied scathingly, "He is the one who lost her. This is no concern of mine, except that she is found as soon as possible. Now I am very busy."
Beckett knew a dismissal when he heard one, so he got up and left, neglecting to acknowledge her.
"Bitch!" he fumed, as soon as he was out of earshot, and walked back to the infirmary to tend to his patients.
5