I lean back in my chair, feet propped in front of me on my desk. The smoke-scented air freshener dangling in the corner. Its sickly sweet scent claws up into my nose, pressing clawing sensations into my nostrils making the hollow passages tickle. I'm really not a fan of smoke, but it seems to fitting. I worked so hard to get to the position of semi-seniority that to not abuse the privileges a little bit insulted my sense of correctness. I rest my neatly tented fingers on my stomach, eying the frayed edge of one of the nail buds, I would have to file them soon.
Outside my door the classic black lettering proclaims Faerie Tale Protection Agency: Classical Division. More importantly, to my mind, underneath this proud title is my name, in much newer paint I readily admit. I haven't even had my first assignment in this division yet-- well, unless you count the training every rookie goes through prior to promotion to solo fieldwork.
My first training incident was more mortifying then successful, it hadn't even been complex. I had been assigned a partner from my Faerie Tale Ethics class, an overlarge ignoramus named Freddy. The man was part giant and part leprechaun, you'd have thought the two would've averaged out…not so. Freddy stood above my five foot stocky sort of frame by a good several feet and his afro of neon red curls added another foot on top of that of height.
We were supposed to have been convincing Repunzel that a few split ends were no reason to lock herself away in a tower. The troubles started when we got to said tower, it turned out, in a fit of hugely misplaced rage, Rapunzel had decided to brick herself inside. We faced a pretty quandary trying to figure out how to get myself and the giant leprechaun into the tower without any authors noticing. Petulant bunch of whining children, authors, never happy unless their stories run precisely so. I suppose I shouldn't be that harsh on them…they are after all the reason I am currently gainfully employed in my current field.
ANYWAY, I finally convinced Freddy to hoist me into the air and sort of toss me through the tower window. Our dear Repunzel, in a fit of economy, had decided to only lodge herself in a three story tower as compared to the usual six. Unfortuantely Freddy through me a bit to hard.
I hit the stone floor with a smack, my head spinning. I was still trying to figure out how it was that bluebirds could be spinning above my head when we were in the middle of winter when a pretty, if rather hidden beneath a huge frizzy mess, face came into view.
"How dare you fly up here!" the girl I took to be Rapunzel shrieked. "I come here to the wilds so to be alone so that I need never look upon another human who pities me, and you fly into my home like some sort of Fey Faerie."
I sat up slowly, the blue birds had subsided somewhat and I dug into my backpack looking for my Merlin's ALL Purpose Headache Remover: Now with New Fruit Flavor. I couldn't locate the stuff and settled for some aspirin.
"I don't know why people insist upon disturbing my peace, after all it isn't as if my story is half so important and that stuck up Sleeping Beauty's. Lord knows she prances around enough like she's all that and a bag of chips when she's not getting her twenty hours of required beauty sleep. Though I do suppose she needs it after her run-in with the FTPA last week…"
I stood up as Rapunzel continued, peeking out the window. Freddy gave me a great lopsided grin and a thumbs-up as he kept hiding behind a tree that was about a foot shorter then he was, not to mention noticeably less wide around. I turned back to the room, Rapunzel certainly wasn't one of those compulsively tidy princesses like Snow White I noted. A pile of dirty dishes awaited cleansing in the corner and a heap of dress skirts near concealed the door to what I took to be a closet.
"…some green-haired gremlin tried to convince her to save her first kiss for her prince charming. Years too late if you ask me. Just what do you think you are doing?"
I sent Rapunzel my most charming smile, most likely it was more of a wince considering the painkillers hadn't kicked in yet. "Rope?" I inquired.
"Second shelf in the back." Rapunzel's brown eyes narrowed. I wondered if princesses went in for special training in order to look both vapid and menacing at the same time. "You're one of them, aren't you?"
"One of whom?" I asked sweetly, tying one end of the located rope around her bedpost, making sure it was anchored firmly before sending the other end down to Freddy. He should be able to fit through the window, as long as he hadn't been sneaking the extra ho-ho's I knew he was partial to between classes again.
"Those FTPA fellows, oh I should've known they'd send one of their officers after me. What'd they say, 'feed her a sedative and tell her prince to hurry it up?'"
"No, Marm," I said, voice somewhat strained as I leant my strength to the rope pulling Freddy up. "I'm just a rookie in training, this here walrus on the end of the rope is my partner Fredinklestine the third."
"A Walrus, really? Does he have a mustache? I've heard walruses with mustaches are quite magnificent." Rapunzel plopped herself down on the bed, her masses of hair floating into even more of a snarled mess, if that were possible. Just then Freddy popped his head into view of the window.
"Why, that's no walrus, I'd say it's just a rather overgrown leprechaun." Freddy tumbled into the room, causing dust to fall in from the cracks of the walls and the floor to buckle a bit. I could hear a few shingles coming off the roof.
Freddy stood up, stooped rather, and snapped the princess a spiffy sort of salute that succeeded in knocking over a precariously placed vase.
"Watch out!" Rapunzel snapped waspishly, the tiny toe of one foot tapping impatiently against the floorboards. I bent nearly double for a few minutes, breathing heavily. I briefly wondered if I didn't take enough aspirin. I could see a lovely shade of black forming across the back of my arm. Freddy had seated himself in the center of the floor and begun digging in my satchel for a rations bar.
"Well?" Rapunzel demanded finally.
"Well?" I demanded, somewhat crossly as I carefully stood upright once more.
"What, they sent me two rookies without a plan? What a curse this hair has been too me!" the last was said as a shriek, which managed to divert Freddy's attention away from his food.
"Well, no, not entirely." I replied, "Freddy, dig out the stuff." Freddy, the good little lap dog, did. He removed bottle after bottle of hair care supplies, finishing up with Ganier Long and Strong conditioner. Rapunzel's eyes went wide with horror.
"Oh, no." she moaned.
"Oh, yes." I nodded, "Not dig out your hairbrushes so we can get cracking."
That brought on a loud serious of theatrical rants before I finally had Freddy sit on the royal princess's backside whilst I worked on her hair. The result was rather fine, I thought. Apparently others thought so too because no sooner did Rapunzel get rescued from the short stacked tower then she ditched her 'true love' the prince and became a hair model.
My pocket phone whirred, sending unpleasant vibrating sensations up my leg. I flipped open the cover, glancing at the name. Show Time.
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