Chapter 1

The breeze pulled small strands loose from Beckett's bun, softly tickling her cheeks as she gave her eulogy.

"Our Captain would want us to carry on the fight," she said soundly. "And even if there is…"

Before she could process what was happening, Castle was shouting her name and diving towards her. The impact of him knocked her onto the ground to the left of the podium. A gunshot cracked through the hushed air. She heard people screaming, but she couldn't hear Castle. Her heart immediately dropped and her stomach sank, as if filled with lead. This could not be happening, after all they'd just been through. There had to be a limit to the tragedy. She scrambled up and dashed over to Castle, looking him over.

For a brief, fleeting moment she thought he was merely in shock, since she saw no blood. His hand grabbed hers, and her white glove turned crimson. He was hit. With the bullet that was meant for her. She cradled his head, stroking his face.

"Castle, Castle, don't leave me, don't you dare leave me," she choked, refusing to let herself cry when he needed her most. "Stay awake. You need to stay awake," she ordered him, though it sounded more like a plea, even to her own ears. He stared at her, rapidly losing consciousness. She silently willed him to stay awake, as if the more intently she stared at him, the more successful her attempt would be. What would he do if it was her? He would tell her to stay with him, slip in an "always", maybe remind her that he thought she was extraordinary, and he certainly wouldn't be calling her Beckett. He would let her know how much she meant to him. He wouldn't be a coward about it, either. He would make sure that she knew just how much he cared. He would tell her, because he wasn't he one trying to hide from it.

Lanie came running over, pushing the detective aside as she tended to the wound. Beckett kneeled on the ground beside Castle's head, her hands in her lap. His eyes darted in the direction of her movement, shattering whatever was left of her heart into a thousand little pieces.

"Ambulance is on its way," the medical examiner told Beckett, apologies pooling in her eyes. "Hold his hand," she ordered the detective softly. Beckett obliged, grasping Castle's hand in her own. His eyes closed. Shit.

Beckett swallowed, as if she could swallow her terror. She looked out into the crowd, praying the ambulance would make it time. She noticed that Ryan and Esposito were nowhere to be seen. They went after him, she realized. Oh, God. His family. They had seen it. His own mother and daughter. She looked for them, and spotted them with her dad. Her dad! Jim Beckett had an arm around each of the two redheads, consoling them. She realized he was trying to keep them away from the gruesomeness. She felt a twinge in her chest, realizing this wasn't the first time her father had been in this situation.

The siren of the ambulance pierced through the sickeningly calm air. It seemed to summon everyone, Ryan and Esposito appearing from the middle of the cemetery and Jim, Martha, and Alexis hurrying over to where Castle was.

"I'm sorry," Esposito said to Martha. "We tried to get him."

Castle's mother waved her hand at him in a "nonsense" motion, squeezing his hand in thanks.

"We'll drive Martha and Alexis," Ryan said as the EMT's approached. "And your dad. You and Lanie go with him."

The two detectives carted off Castle's family. Jim Beckett squeezed his daughter's shoulder as he passed. "He'll be okay. He's got too much to live for," he told her steadily. She nodded, the lump in her throat becoming larger. The paramedics lifted Castle onto the stretcher, Lanie's hands still on his chest. Beckett followed behind. She felt utterly helpless. She sat beside him as Lanie conferred with the paramedics, the three of them not paying any attention to Kate or Castle.

She swore she felt his hand move a miniscule amount in hers as the ambulance drove off. Her breath caught in her throat. He had to know.

"I love you," she whispered, barely audible. "I love you."

Three months later

Kate would never get used to the paparazzi snapping pictures of her as she arrived at these things. It was the early premiere party for Heat Rises, and Kate was feeling particularly sullen. Castle had only been back to work for a few weeks, and was already running around putting himself in harm's way again. She was far too selfish to send him away for good and he refused to sit out their dangerous cases. She constantly worried about him. Her doctor said she was getting an ulcer and needed to relax. Doctor.

The cherry on top of the evening's cake was Josh's presence. He had operated on Castle after the shooting and aided in his recovery. As a result, Castle and his family now liked Josh, and had invited him to the premiere, insisting that he come. Josh had a mutual newfound liking for Castle, since he had saved Beckett's life. Kate couldn't help but feel they liked Josh more than she did, most of the time. She knew she was digging her own grave at this point, continuing her relationship with him. She was so caught up in her denial that there seemed to be no point in trying to turn things around. She had reasoned her words to Castle that day in the ambulance as the result of her fear of losing him. He hadn't heard her, anyway. He hadn't said anything, and she was sure he would have wanted to discuss it if he had.

Kate and Josh entered the Plaza Hotel's grand ballroom, tastefully decorated with soft strings of white lights and life-size silhouettes of the characters from the Nikki Heat series. She spotted Ryan and Esposito at the bar with Lanie and Jenny. Castle was nowhere to be seen. She and Josh joined the others, nursing drinks while they waited for Castle to give his address. Beckett slipped away to the foyer, a little too annoyed by how chummy Josh seemed with her friends. A few months before, he had wanted nothing to do with her work life. She knew she should have been happy that he was making an effort, but it only made her irritated with him. He didn't have a place in this part of her life.

She was pretending to admire some of the artwork on the walls when she felt someone approach her from behind. She spun around a little too quickly, reaching instinctively to where her gun would normally be (it was tucked in her clutch), unable to rid herself of the paranoia that death was always right behind her, waiting for her.

"Hey," Castle said simply, pretending to not notice her reaction. She knew he worried about her. He was trying to give her what she wanted and let her take care of it herself. So he chose to ignore it. "You look stunning."

Kate could feel herself blushing, thankful for the low light. She knew the form-fitting black dress she had on was flattering; Lanie had told her so when she picked it out. Even though Josh had complimented her on it when he picked her up earlier, it always felt different when Castle made a comment about her. He was so honest, so raw.

She had to smile. "Thanks. You look pretty sharp, too." And he did. Her eyes involuntarily roamed over his figure, smartly dressed in one of his signature designer suits, eyes shining brightly and a broad grin on his face. For someone who didn't know, it was impossible to tell that three months earlier he had almost died right in front of her.

"I got you something," Castle told her, pulling a present out from behind his back. It was oddly book-shaped.

"Thanks, Castle." Kate tucked the neatly wrapped gift under her arm.

"Well, open it! Don't pretend you're not interested."

Before she could, however, Paula came up to Castle, stealing him away.

"Hey, there, Kate. Come on, Ricky, everyone's waiting," she said, pulling his arm.

"All right, all right," he said, yanking his arm free and following after Paula. "Open it," he mouthed at Beckett, and winked at her as he disappeared into the ballroom.

Kate smiled and shook her head, carefully tearing the paper off the present. She wasn't surprised to find a copy of Heat Rises inside the gift box, but the gesture still warmed her heart. She ran her hand along the spine as she heard the guests clap for Castle in the ballroom. She opened the book as she walked towards the room, leaning against the doorway. She half-listened as he thanked everyone for coming, flipping through the pages. An excited shiver passed through her. She'd read the basic manuscript, but Castle had told her he'd made some changes to the plot. She couldn't wait to get home and slip into a hot bath with the novel in her hands. She would never ask him to do it again, but the night after Montgomery had been killed, Castle had stayed up with her on the phone all night, reading excerpts of his books to her until she fell asleep. Now, whenever she read his work, she heard it in his voice, telling her a story to take her mind off the reality for a few hours at a time.

"… and of course, I wouldn't be here today if not for the wonderful people at the 12th precinct. It's been a rough year, but we've pulled through." He caught her eye at the back of the room, continuing his speech.

"Lastly, I'd like to give a special thanks to the lovely Detective Katherine Beckett. Without her, I wouldn't be who I am today. Thank you, Kate, and I meant every word of the dedication."

Kate gave him a look and flipped open to the first page of the book.

In remembrance of Captain Roy Montgomery.
To KB, a mystery I'll never solve, and my one-writer girl. Always.

She smiled, blinking back the emotion prickling at the corners of her eyes. Castle's handwriting caught her attention at the bottom of the page.

Three extraordinary years and counting. I hope there's many more to come. I've got your back, always, even when you don't want me to. You're absolutely exquisite and I learn something new from you every day.

Now she couldn't help it. She wiped away a traitorous tear that escaped her eye, scanning the crowd for Castle. She had to go thank him.

"There you are," Josh said, coming up beside her. "What're you reading?"

"Nothing," Kate answered quickly, snapping the book shut. "Just looking over a copy of Castle's book."

"That was nice of him," Josh remarked, taking the novel from her hands. "Maybe I can read some of it to you later?" He encircled his arms around her waist, pulling her close for a quick hug.

Beckett felt like she was being burned alive. Castle saw her in Josh's embrace and gave her one of those "wow, after all that and you still chose him" fake smiles. She thought she might throw up. She was ecstatic when her phone rang, a welcome distraction.

"Beckett."

The captain was on the other line, informing her of a murder. It still saddened her to pick up her phone and not hear Captain Montgomery's voice greeting her.

"Got it. On my way."

"Work?" Josh asked, looking dejected.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm just gonna go myself, and let Ryan and Esposito have fun."

"Kate, no. Take someone with you."

"Josh. I'll be fine."

"I'll go with you," Castle said from behind the couple.

"This is your party, Castle," Kate pointed out.

"I'm not in much of a party mood, actually."

"Great, 'cause I have to run, too. Guy just came in and needs triple bypass," Josh said, glancing down at his phone. "I'll see you tomorrow. Love you!" He placed a peck on Kate's cheek.

With that, Beckett found herself standing awkwardly with Castle, who was giving her "I want to talk" eyes. God, she really should have finished that drink.

I know you've probably read a thousand like it already, but what do you think? Should I continue?