A/N:It has been a long time since I have felt inspired to write fanfic, but the ending of the latest episode changed that. I hope you enjoy;-) Reviews are always welcome.
Shades of the Past
"I have to go."
Familiar words. Horribly, painfully familiar.
18 year old Sam, jaw stubbornly set and hazel eyes determined, yelling those words at their father before he marched out the door without a backward glance, backpack slung over one shoulder.
Dad…well Dad didn't even say those words before he left, disappearing into the night on a mysterious hunt with no explanation, no excuse… just silence.
And now the one person who had never chosen to leave him, who would have stayed if she hadn't had that choice taken from her (literally going up in flames), the one he had dreamed of having back because she would never leave him….He couldn't finish that thought. All he knew was that he never thought he would hear those words coming from her lips. He couldn't even look at her, knowing she would never seem quite so perfect again.
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"I have to go."
Sam watched as his brother's face crumpled like the little boy their mother wished he still was, only to harden again like the man he had become in her absence. Sam knew all too well what having Mary back meant to Dean (to him as well, but that was not important). He had seen the lovingly creased photo in Dean's wallet all too many times not to know how much Dean missed their mom, even 33 years after her death. Hell, Dean's djinn-created paradise had been a world that revolved around Mary still being alive (and Jess, but once again not important right now).
For Dean, family was everything. Family was home. And to hear Mary say that they were not her home? That was just twisting the knife.
Sam got it. He did. After all, he remembered all too well saying those exact same words to Dean (about leaving, not about home). He also remembered the pain and anger in Dean's eyes then, the almost audible sound of a relationship fracturing. He once thought it beyond repair, but Dean has an amazing capacity for forgiveness, at least when it comes to family.
So yeah, he understood why Mary had to go. Like mother, like sons, he had said. He had thought Mary was all Dean, sharing his taste in food, cars and music, but when it came to dealing? She was all Sam. Dean dealt by drinking and burying himself in hunting. Sam dealt by running away. Or at least, he used to. So, whilst it hurt like hell to see her go, he couldn't say he was surprised.
He flinched as the door banged, the echo signifying that once more it was just the two of them against the world.
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Mary's heart felt heavy as she closed the door behind her. She could not get Dean's face out of her mind, the lost little boy so quickly painted over with anger and rejection. What had happened in her absence to make her sweet, giving little boy so hardened, so quick to step back from her when she reached out for him?
And Sam. Sam's eyes showed a deep understanding for what she had to do, an empathy. But also a deep sadness and the same strangely vulnerable look she had seen so briefly in her older son's before he hid it from her and the world. How could two such large, seemingly tough men suddenly look so small and unmoored? Had she been wrong in thinking that her little boys were gone forever? Perhaps they had been right in front of her all long, still desperately in need of mothering despite their manly exteriors and know-how.
She almost turned back, her hand hovering over the door handle….But even if she had been wrong, it didn't change the fact that she herself felt lost in this new world, a stranger in her own family. She was a liability to them in her current state of mind. No. Her resolve firmed once more. She needed to go.
But this was not goodbye.