Starfilled Lake:Leafpool's Goodbye
I stood there on the cliff, looking at the half moon. It was so beautiful this night. The stars of the cats that died looked down upon me, shinning and twinkling. Almost pushing me to join them. My fur ruffled as the wind blew behind me, also beckoning me to do it.
Now I looked below to the lake, far faraway down. The water's mirroring the sky with all it's glory, stars still shining through ripples. Whether it's I looked over or under me, the stars are still watching, waiting for me. I closed my eyes and took another brave step forward. Smelling my clan's scent for the last time.
Before I could end this pain and sorrow, I want to go over what was done. How it all it started. Crowfeather, my dearest and only love, was forbidden. I had no right to feel this way for another cat, a clan cat at that. I broke so many codes that I know the dark forest has open doors for me. I had 3 wonderful kits that I lost. They won't forgive me, I'm a terrible mother. My own kit even openly said she wanted me to die. I shut my eyes to stop the tears from falling. I won't end my fate with shame. Then I put my sister through depression by putting the responsibility and risk of raising my kits. How could I? Why am I here to only bring suffering and feel it? Even lost my calling as a medicine cat.
Being a warrior now is not good enough for me. Nothing is right anymore…no one can stop me either. Opening my eyes, I paced forward more easily, remembering now why I'm doing this.
"Good bye…" I was about to jump into the sky, the stars, the moon, the water. Suffocating myself within it. Though before I could, my ears perked. I scented Jayfeather and Lionblaze, my 2 living sons. Stopping, I slowly turned my head to gaze at them.
"Leafpool!" Lionblaze cried, "Please, please don't do this!" The red warrior's tail lashed in fear, his eyes begging me to stay on ground.
No, no. Why are they coming now? What's the use?
"Yes we beg you! This is insane. How could you even do this?" Jayfeather's sightless eyes screamed with panic, ears back.
"Leave. Me. Alone. Just go back to the clan, act like you witnessed nothing." I told them. " I have to do this…you won't understand."
"Don't treat us like we're kits!" Lionblaze hissed. "Just please, please come back with us." He moved closer to me but I made a threatening step backwards, closer to the edge of the cliff.
"L-Leafpool…we don't want to lose you…." Jayfeather spoke softly, tears springing in his aqua eyes. He must have been in my mind because the next thing he said was, " We know you went through a lot, with Crowfeather and us but…but…" He paused and turned his head at his brother for help.
"No matter what Leafpool you're our mother. We may not be used to that idea just yet, but we could!" Lion promised me.
Oh for star clan! Why are you doing this to me? Why put my sons in front me like this? Is this a test?
"You have NO idea what I went through Jayfeather! No cat who's living right now knows how it feels!" I finally released my tears. All those moons of passion, torment, regret-
"Leafpool you know I'll always be here for you right? I don't want to lose you like I did Feathertail..I love you." He licked my muzzle with firmness, I purred.
"Even though I'm a medicine cat? And from another clan? That's a big risk." I licked his ear.
"It's a risk I'm willing to take. Won't you take that risk for me?" I've never answered the question. Not even today.
"You don't know that! Look Leafpool, I was once loved some one I couldn't love either. But I moved on!" Jayfeather confessed to me. Uh. He broke a code.
"Me too! We could all talk this out, we'll help each other. PLEASE come back home with us!" Lionblaze announced as well.
"I've done something terrible, you'll hate me for it and hate me greater for what I'm about to ask you sister."
"What is it Leafpool?" Squirrelflight had concern and curiosity in her green eyes. "I could never hate you."
"I…I…I'm having kits. A-and they're Crowfeather's." I cringed expecting to be rejected, left behind, scolded. After a long silence, I opened my eyes to discover my kin looking at me with pity.
"Oh Leafpool, I knew something wasn't right. My sister, my poor sister…" She crept closer to me and twined our tails together, rubbing muzzles in a comforting way. "You must be going through so much…." I felt like crying.
"B-But Squirrelflight! It's so wr-"
"Shh. I know it's wrong. But I understand what you must deal with everyday with this guilt. I don't hate you for this mistake. Now what's your question Leafpool?" I stared at her in such love and trust that it could have killed her.
"Would…you please take care of the kits and act upon as their mother…?"
"Of course Leafpool, I'm honored. Don't worry I will raise them as if they were my own. No one will know."
"Home? Thunderclan is not my home. I'm not free at Thunderclan. Or loved. Or forgiven. I'm a traitor that needs to have her long due punishment for her sins." I responded solemnly. The orange warrior shook his head sadly at me.
"You are loved fox brain! Sorry for my language my DAMN! WE LOVE YOU MOM! WE DO!" Jayfeather wailed, abruptly running towards me to touch muzzles. Lionblaze came after him to rub against me as well. My whole body tensed at the longing contact I prayed for. The love and warmth. However all to late.
"There's no use now." Looking up to the sky again, I whispered in their ears. "I love you both, I really do, but nothing can heal the scars I wear on my pelt. No herb can cure the ache in my heart."
"No. No don't do this!" One of them cried. I was too involved within my thoughts to pay any attention.
"Starclan! If you're listening, please give me some kind of answer! Why? Why did I make so many darn mistakes over, and over? Why did my kit kill Ashfur because of me giving her life? Why did I give life to one of my sons, and he lives the world blind?
"What is my purpose now? Was I only useful to give birth to kits who holds the power of the stars? Am I just a waste now? Does Cinderpelt hate me? Does Crowfeather hate me?" I wailed one new leaf night. The only answer I got was the owl who-oing.
"…My questions are still unanswered…" I muttered remembering that day.
"What questions, Leafpool? We'll help answer them for you!" Lionblaze kept insisting. Jayfeather knew exactly what I thinking.
"Starclan forgives you Leafpool, trust me." He whispered in my ear. "Please go back to being medicine cat, It's not my time yet."
"Don't worry, it will be soon." I took more steps back and turned around. Now I'm on the very edge. The stars still staring back up at me. Calling me.
"Firestar, Sandstorm, may I have a word with you two?"
"Of course dear! Anytime, but hurry we must get ready for the gathering." My mom answered.
"Is there something wrong?" Wrong. A lot of things I did, done, and will be wrong. I fidgeted with my paws, looking down.
"What do you do, when you feel you have no place in the life Starclan gave you no more?" Both of my parents stared shocked my random question. I had to know.
"Leafpool, I would know that I have faith-" The leader started.
"What if you have no faith left! What if you give up on everything!" I asked hysterically. Sandstorm lifted the tip of her tail to brush my ears, calming me.
"Honey, I would know that cats around me love, care , support-"
"What if you don't know that?" I countered, being difficult.
"Leafpool. I know what this is about. We love you, you have to learn that. Your sister loves you. The clan loves you. You're forgiven for your sins. Your not alone-"
"YES I AM!" I cried and ran. I heard cats calling out to me but I didn't stop. Not until I got to the lake, stood in the water and sobbed all my tears out. I'm all alone here. No mate to kiss me. No kits to love. No place where you look at an cat's eyes, and don't see indifference. Rejected by everyone. Forever feeling old scars. I'm all alone here. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alo-
"Leafpool!" My sister's voice ringed through the forest, she waded tiredly into the shallow end next to me. Puffing, she said,
"Hope. When I have no faith, no one to love and love me, no trust, Hope. I hope for the future and best. AND don't say what if you have no future, because, by Starclan you do! You have a future, so hope! Please Leafpool! Just hope for me…"
I think a hoped long enough.
"Good bye….I love you all…" I plunged. Jumped. Leaped. Fell. Dived. Flew. I heard my two son's cries but was deafen by the water surging into my ears. I didn't thrashed about in the star filled water, I was at peace. My nostrils were stuffed but strangely, I didn't choke. My head got heavy and dizzy, but I felt light and free. Finally I'm free! Then everything turned white.
A/N: Hoped you felt touched by this! Next is the Aftermath. Warning: Slight JayLion