No Booty Calls Russia!
So, it turns out something like this has not been written for Hetalia!
I found this funny song perfect for LietRussPol xD
You can watch this video on YouTube.
"No booty Calls Poland x Lithuania" You'll thank me later~!
Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia or any characters. I do not own the funny ass song either!
PLEASE READ and ENJOY! I know I did!
Ring ring ring…
"Hello?" Lithuania answered the phone, feeling sleepier than he ever has in his life. Last night, he had the most amazing sex with his new lover, Poland. The said nation was cuddled up next to him with his pink horse in his loosened arms.
"Hey, it's your ex…" Russia announced with desire laced in his Russian accent the moment he heard his previous lover's drowsy voice.
Lithuania's blue eyes scanned at the digital clock, sighing in disbelief at the time that was flashing.
"It's one in the morning!" He almost shouted, utterly annoyed that his ex-boyfriend had the audacity to call him this late at night. All he wanted was to cuddle up with his blonde haired cutie after a much needed night of love making.
"What the hell do you want?" Lithuania's once raspy voice started to clear up in an agitated fashion.
"Baby, I'm horny." Russia admitted without any shame since he had been craving his ex-boyfriend for quite some time.
"Oh, what are you saying? You want to get together?" Lithuania asked quietly with interest in his voice for a split second.
"I want you to come over all dressed up in leather… like you used to do." Russia chuckled; rubbing his erection on the other line in his queen sized black blanketed bed.
"Back in '02…" The brunette muttered at the year he had dated Russia. He grimaced at the mistakes he had made back then.
"You give me nice dreams. Make me wanna scream: 'ooh, ooh, ooh!'…" Russia moaned in the phone, knowing that the brunette would become flustered at this point.
"That's not happening again! That was back then and now I'm interested in bigger and better men." Lithuania side glanced at his snoozing pink night gown clad blonde boyfriend in bed with him.
Russia was quiet on the other line, annoyed that his wonderful ex-lover was seeing someone else.
"No booty calls, Russia!" Lithuania grumbled and when the line was quiet, he repeated the same phrase.
"No booty calls! That's not happening."
"Awww, Liet, I still got it goin' on. I know you're hot to trot and I'm warm for your form." Russia smirked into the phone, knowing that would get under the brunette's skin.
"Wow, with cliché like that, I'm really torn..." Lithuania admitted in pure sarcasm and continued with a grin, "Your game is played, go back to your porn!"
Russia's lavender eyes widened at the straightforwardness of the boy he was craving. How dare he say that!
"Don't start me up. You make a dead man cum." Russia explained with desire still in his Russian voice.
"Well, you can just drop dead, because you ain't gettin' some!" Lithuania's words were a little too loud and he glanced in hesitation as Poland started to shift a little. He leaned down to lightly peck the peaceful looking blonde's cheek.
"What happened to the freak who used to rock my world?" Russia asked with a pinch of regret and jealousy in his voice. He sounded like he regretted something.
"Well, the freak's still here, but she's not your girl!" Lithuania informed his ex-boyfriend confidently with a huge grin on his face. He bent forward to play with a lone piece of thread sticking out the blanket's seam.
"You broke up with me," the Lithuanian pointed out his slipup back in the day.
"I made a mistake!" Russia's rushed voice sounded remorseful and he twisted a strand of his ashen blonde hair and curled his toes.
Lithuania sighed and whispered into the phone, "So, why don't you just ask me out on a date?" Poland shifted a little more, which made Liet regret the question.
"Uh, uh… Tonight's fate!" Russia made a quick excuse to avoid the question. He did not want to waste his money to just get a piece of Lithuania's ass.
"Please." Lithuania rolled his deep blue eyes at the pathetic ex-boyfriend he had back in the day.
"No booty calls, Russia! No booty calls, Russia! That's not happening!" His voice woke up Poland, who groaned with aggravation at his noisy lover on the phone.
Before Poland could say anything about the phone conversation, he leaned in close to hear the conversation.
"Remember when we did it in the parking lot?"
"Outside of IHOP?" Lithuania recalled that terrible night and Russia chuckled on the other line.
"Yeah, that was so hot." This made Poland's heart wrench and his hands started to choke his stuffed pink horse, Pony.
"Thank you, I'm flattered." Lithuania's voice held confidence until Poland huffed out in jealousy.
"But it doesn't matter! I remember that you threw up in the pancake batter." Lithuania included calming Poland down and avoiding the risk of not waking up the next morning with Poland's mouth around his morning wood.
Poland wrapped his arms around Lithuania's slender waist with slight insecurity. He never liked Lithuania talking to other men, especially this time of the night. It pissed him off that it was one of his ex-boyfriends.
"You've got a problem." Lithuania pointed out the obvious and decided to embarrass Russia in front of his new lover. "You're always drunk all the time. Are you even sure that this phone number's mine?"
Russia felt insulted, swigging a gulp of his precious Vodka.
"Uh? Yeah? Ah… Wait, what?"
Lithuania released a breath of disbelief and could not resist from rolling his eyes with pity for the drunk and horny Russian.
"If that confused you, I'm gonna to have to lose you. Go back to first grade and get yourself a Blue's clue." Lithuania started to play with a strand of Poland's blonde hair with an endearing smile. Poland held back a giggle at what his brown haired boyfriend said.
"I don't even know what ever made me choose you!" Poland grinned wider and Lithuania pushed the speaker button. This might be fun for the two lovers.
"Cuz' we're good together!" Russia tried his best to convince the brunette on the other line and tightened his grip around the bottle of Vodka.
"But I can do better!" Lithuania announced as he swung a strong arm around Poland's waist and pulled him onto his lap.
"No one makes you wetter!" Russia broadcasted in a smug Russian accent.
"Buddy, you're like cheddar! CHEESY!" Lithuania sang the word 'cheesy' out loud with a smirk and kissed Poland's soft lips with a wink.
"White cheddar!" Lithuania added, thinking about his pale complexion just to piss him off further.
Poland's hands grasped Lithuania's slightly blushing face and planted a loud kiss upon his equally soft lips.
"You know, I moved out my Mom's and I got my own crib…" The Vodka loving man convinced the brunette by announcing that he had moved up in this world.
"That's funny! That's just where you belong: In a crib!" Poland slapped a hand over his mouth to swallow his threatening laughter. Lithuania chuckled and continued to play along with this game.
"You sayin' I'm your baby?" Russia asked innocently into the phone.
"I'm sayin' you're a baby!" Lithuania corrected the statement and Russia immediately felt insulted but recovered from it.
"I'm not hearing yes or no. I'm hearing maybe!"
"Well, get your hearing checked, cuz' you can't play me!" Lithuania exclaimed, crossing his arms across his bare muscular chest with his blue eyes closed in objection.
"I'm a playa! Hate the game, don't hate me!" The Russian shot back with his own opinion.
"That's not how that phrase goes," Lithuania informed the Russian ex-boyfriend as he face palmed.
"I know," Russia agreed with his ex-freak in bed. "But, you just turn me on from my head to my toes!"
Poland had to back away for a second when Lithuania jumped slightly at the way Russia felt towards him after all of these years.
"Jesus Christ! You could at least be original?! If the game was the truth, then yours would be fictional!" Lithuania enlightened Russia with his insults.
Russia wasn't advancing his game at this point and decided to upgrade his ways.
"Baby, I got style and I got class," Russia bragged about his looks and mannerisms. However, the brunette knew better than to fall for his tricks.
Poland whispered an insult for Lithuania to say to him. Without missing a beat, he blurted it out, "I got a brand new boot for ass!"
Poland wanted to say something into the phone but Liet gave him a look that told he blonde otherwise.
"No booty calls, Russia!"
"Aww, come on baby!" Russia complained with a small frown as he was back tracking instead of convincing him to agree.
"No booty calls! That's not happening!"
Russia swallowed another gulp of alcohol with a single wince and continued to talk to his remarkable ex-lover.
"Hey, Liet from the block, I don't just talk to talk. I walk the walk." Russia's lavender eyes studied the moonlit that slithered through the cracked open curtains.
"And I know you like my c-"
"Hey! Johnny-come-lately. Don't discombobulate me! If you want some of this, you have to properly date me." Poland glared childishly at what Lithuania said, but when the brunette pecked his pink lips with a smile, he overlooked why he was infuriated.
"I have to wine and dine?" Russia asked in disagreement, kicking his blankets off of his body and decided to walk into his bathroom to glance in the mirror.
"That's a waste of time! I can spend five dollars, and still get mine."
"So, that probably all you have?" Lithuania asked, shaking his head at how senseless and arrogant his ex-boyfriend really was and still is. "Lemme give you a hint. Go stuff your pee-hole with a junior mint!"
The ashen blonde slammed his fist against the bathroom counter, "Baby, all I wanna do is make you sweat. Let me be the Romeo to your Juliet."
"Okay, drink some poison, and I'll stab myself." Lithuania glanced over at his cute blonde boyfriend with a smirk and nodded his head in understanding.
"You'd know that story, if you ever took a book off the shelf!" The two lovers in bed giggled as Liet muted the phone to release a couple of uncontrollable laughs.
"I don't need no books!" Russia argued as he departed from his bathroom and slipped under his black covers once again.
Lithuania pressed unmute and yelled in the phone, "DOUBLE NEGATIVE! So you do!"
"My dick's hard, look!" Russia's right hand pointed out his hardened erection with a chortle.
"That's majority's so rude!" Lithuania stuck a finger in his mouth to indicate that he wanted to throw up at the thought of Russia's enormous member in his thoughts.
"I don't understand all these big words you use. I don't need big words, cuz' I got big shoes!" Russia laughed, indicating that he had a big package.
"Verbally, you're a moron." Lithuania counted with his index finger. "Sexually, you're a cling on." He counted with his middle finger. He clutched his forehead, "I'm more mature now. I need a mental turn on!" Poland smiled, kissing his cheek playfully.
Russia heard the distinct noise that Poland made and grumbled softly. "Baby, I gots brains in my underwear! My dick equally MC2! Ooh!" Poland face palmed at his boyfriend's ex-lover.
Lithuania nudged Poland in the side with a cocky smirk.
"You need to go back to physics class. The only brain in your pants, is your head up your ass! Check that!" Before Russia could manage any words to throw any insult back, Lithuania cut him off
"You could be right! Because you do cum faster than the speed of light!" Poland couldn't keep his reaction to himself and instigated the conversation with an obnoxious "Ooh!"
"You must admit, I got a load like a stallion. I skeet skeet on with my creamy Italian!" Russia sounded extremely cocky and smug. Poland wanted to kill this bastard for acting this way.
"EWW! What am I to you? A salad bar?" Lithuania questioned in disgust at what Russia said a few second ago.
"You like to skeet so much, I need a dick sneeze guard!" Lithuania shot back and Poland yelled out, "Ooh!"
"You want some tonight?"
"I want some never!" Lithuania objected with Poland trying to tickle him with a sly smile.
"That's not what you said back when we were together!" Russia debated, feeling rejected and fuming at the new lover that Liet was currently dating.
"Well, that's not happening. That was back then. And now I'm interested in smarter, employed men." The brown haired Lithuanian blew a kiss in Poland's direction, which he instantly caught.
"NO BOOTY CALLS, RUSSIA! NO BOOTY CALLS! That's not happening!" Lithuania shouted, hoping that the message would through to the needy Russian on the other line. Russia sighed in defeat and Lithuania felt a twinge of regret.
"Sorry!" Lithuania apologized to his horny ex-lover, but still stuck to his guns.
"Awww, come on baby. You know I-"
"NO, DON'T INTERRUPT ME! NO BOOTY CALLS!" Lithuania started to become beyond annoyed at his persistence.
"Oh, not back at that again!" Russia grounded out in aspiration and conflict.
"Yeah, we are, because I don't want one!" Lithuania placed his hand on Poland's hand and their fingers unconsciously laced together.
"Don't you want to check out my new stereo?" Russia pleaded, knowing that he was not going to get any booty tonight.
"I don't think so!" Lithuania rubbed the fact that he was useless in even attempting to convince him.
"I know you'll like it!" Russia reasoned with a gleam of hope.
"WHATEVER!" Liet brushed off his pleads and begs of his shoulder.
"Come on, baby! Come over!" Russia begged and watched as his erection softened.
"NO, this phone conversation's OVER!" Lithuania announced and hung up on the Russian with a smirk.
Poland high fived his humorous brunette lover and they both yelled in unison before hugging each other tightly.
"NO BOOTY CALLS, RUSSIA!"
This was so funny! I needed humor from my other stories that I'm writing! Please don't forget to leave a review! :)