When you have 82 WIP but you just saw Infinity War and have to write an angsty fic about it. (This is my catharsis)
Disclaimer- I definitely have no claim to any of this.
Infinity War Spoilers- Last warning to turn back if you haven't seen the movie, this fic pretty much gives everything away.
Trigger warning- for multiple character deaths.
Born to Lose
Loki-
Loki tries his best, he stands in the company of evil and the corpses of his adopted people- he holds himself tall as the remains of his childhood burn and his brother screams in the hands of a decimator.
Loki tries; he tries to push away any prospects of doubt, any treacherous feelings or sentiments he might hold.
But in the end, he cannot stand idly by as the life bleeds out of Thor-
And for a time, Loki thinks they may even have a chance, that with the Green Beast on their side and Thor's newfound abilities- that they may succeed, 'live to fight another day' as the Midgardians say.
But as Loki dangles in Thanos' grip, choking for breath and scrabbling onto his last dredges of life- Thor trapped and muzzled, Hulk thousands of miles away, Heimdall breathing his last- Loki realizes that there is no trick to be pulled, no last-minute escape to be had.
This is the end.
"You will never be a god," Loki says, wheezes; using the last of his breath as he stares- eyes burning, windpipe collapsing- into the eyes of Thanos The Mad Titan- Loki's murderer.
Gamora-
"Really?" Gamora asks, looking at Thanos with contempt, with so much hate and disdain she can hardly contain it. "Tears?"
"They're not for him," the cloaked man says as Thanos takes a step toward Gamora, towering over her, like he has always done- casting a shadow of death and mourning everywhere he goes, breaking everything he touches.
Gamora is done being broken.
She shakes her head, taking a step back as Thanos stares down at her. "No, this isn't love," she says, disgust and something like shame- maybe something like heartbreak makes it hard to breathe.
"I ignored my destiny once," Thanos says, coming to take Gamora again, to steal her for himself, to use her- like he did for so long, so, so long. "I cannot do that again, even for you."
No, Gamora is done being used.
She will never let Thanos use her again.
She steals the blade so easily, she can feel the weight of it, the sharpness of it in her hands- and then, it dissolves and floats away- and with it, Gamora's hope.
Thanos is taking her again,
"I'm sorry,"
Thanos is using her again,
"little one,"
Thanos is breaking her again.
Vision-
He stares at her and wishes they had more time, he wishes he could be made of flesh in place of metal, he wishes that they were different people with different lives- he wishes they never got out of bed.
"If he gets this stone half the universe dies," Vision says, this is the right thing to do, not for him, not for Wanda- but for the greater good, and isn't that who they've sworn to protect?
"It shouldn't be you, but it is," Vision tells Wanda. She has been teaching him how to be more human, how to feel, how to love; and with time maybe that would have been enough for things to work, but they've run out of time.
"It's alright, you could never hurt me," he reassures, tries a smile- and never before has it felt so- robotic. "I just feel you."
And for a moment that is all Vision feels, Wanda's pure power inside his head, scattering his thoughts until he is left an empty shell.
But that moment ends, and another begins.
This one without Wanda and her fiery power.
This one filled with a sickening death Vision had thought he could escape.
Mantis-
There is change in the air.
There is a void, a gaping nothingness that does not belong.
And then, a sense of despair, like nothing Mantis has ever felt before.
"Something's happening," Mantis tells the others.
A moment later she understands.
Bucky-
He doesn't feel right.
He's slipping in a way he hasn't in months, in a way that leaves Bucky waiting for the Winter Soldier to rear his head and take control.
"Steve?" Bucky asks, trying to ground himself, to find a tethered to stay- he needs his friend.
But as Bucky stares down at his disintegrating hands, watching as he disappears (this time not locked away within his own mind, but truly and wholly fading) he can't help but look at Steve and be grateful it isn't him.
Drax-
Drax watches as Mantis turns to ash, her hideous face disappearing and taking his friend away, replacing her with nothing more than dust.
Thanos has taken away Drax's family again, murdered his wife and daughter, Gamora and Mantis, and now, Drax himself.
"Quill?" Drax looks to his puny friend as he feels his own torso blowing away.
Drax hopes that Quill kicks Thanos in his testicles before he kills him.
T'Challa-
"Up Okoye, up," T'Challa mutters, grabbing Okoye by the arm and pulling her from the ground. He can feel something is off, he's weak, feeble in a way he shouldn't be; but as King, he needs to stay strong to protect his brothers and sisters, the war is not finished. "This is no place to die."
Groot-
It's happening again, Groot is dying.
But this time he is not fully grown, his branches aren't tall, and his leaves don't feel as if they can touch the sky.
Before Groot had died to save his friends, to save Rocket.
Those memories are hazy, sometimes they don't even feel like they are Groot's own. But he can remember how it felt to wrap around his team, his family, how he had been brave and ready to sacrifice his tree, so they could live.
Groot doesn't feel brave now, he doesn't feel strong or courageous.
Groot feels scared.
Wanda-
The world is dying.
Wanda can feel it, the life disappearing, the minds vanishing.
But there is nothing she can do because she too is fading away.
She sits with Vision's lifeless body and waits.
Quill-
Mantis is gone, and now Drax.
A second later Quill looks down to see the same thing happening to him.
"Steady, Quill," Robocop tries to calm him down.
Quill swallows, this wasn't how he was supposed to go out. He's supposed to be the hero, the Kevin Bacon, the Marty McFly- he's supposed to rescue the girl and save the day- what kind of ending is turning into some crappy old dust?
Sam-
Sam never thought it would end up this way, the Avengers torn apart, a fugitive from the country he fought to protect, the Universe in the hands of a madman.
It makes Sam wants to scream, to yell and curse- but all that comes out is a grunt of pain as he lays sprawled on the ground.
But even if it all came to this, Sam on foreign soil waiting to die- he doesn't regret it, not a single a choice.
Stephen-
This is how it has to be.
Stephen watched millions upon millions of outcomes and there is only one way this could play out, only one reality where they win, where they defeat Thanos and save countless lives.
But to do so means sacrifice, it means that they all have to die, so that Tony can live.
"Tony," Stephen looks to the other man, wanting him to understand- to do what is right. "There was no other way."
The only reality they survive is one where Tony Stark is left standing.
Stephen just hopes Stark's willing to do what it takes.
Peter-
"M-mr. Stark, I don't feel so good," Peter mumbles, his spider-sense is screaming- shrieking inside of his skull, but there isn't anything to dodge, there's nothing to run from, the danger is inside of him.
"You're alright," Mr. Stark says, but he doesn't sound sure.
Peter's never heard Mr. Stark sound anything but sure.
"I don't-I don't know what's happening," Peter tries to tell Mr. Stark, but he's tripping over his own feet, falling into the man with all his weight.
His spider-sense has never sounded like this before, not even when Peter was trapped under that building, pinned down and choking for breath.
His head feels like it's tearing itself apart with how horribly piercing his spider-sense is; and then Peter understands, he understands why this is different, why his spider-sense has never felt like this before.
Because Peter is dying.
"I don't wanna go," Peter sobs into Mr. Starks neck, "I don't wanna go Mr. Stark, please," his body feels cold, his senses are going haywire, but underneath the pain- all Peter can feel is terror.
"Please I don't wanna go- I don't wanna go." Peter falls to the ground, his chest feels hollowed out, his brain soupy. He wishes they could have stopped this, that he could have helped make a difference.
"I'm sorry," Peter gets out of a too-tight throat, his eyes watery as he looks up at Mr. Stark.
He wishes he could have been better.
Tony-
He can't wrap his head around what just happened.
Tony doesn't understand, he can't understand- why would Strange save him, why is Tony the non-variable in all of this, what can he do that half a universes worth of people couldn't?
Why was his life worth more than anyone else's?
Steve-
Steve sits next to Vision's cold-lifeless body, staring at it and it alone, because there is no evidence that any of his friends- that Sam or Wanda or Bucky, ever existed in the first place.
Steve has felt powerless, he has felt hopelessness, but this kind of despair, this level of grief and regret- he had no idea such feeling even existed.
"Oh god," he whispers to who is left.
Tony-
It takes Tony a moment to pull himself together, to lift himself up from where Peter once had been and to force his legs to move.
"What are you doing?" the blue robot-chick asks, Tony had forgotten he wasn't alone.
"What's it look like?" he snarks, burying down his feelings, pocketing that absolute gut-wrenching grief he feels- now's not the time to mourn, it's the time to fight. "Finding a way off this scrap-heap."
"He's already won," the woman says, she sounds angry, her words grumbled. "We lost."
Tony spins around to face her, imagines of people literally turning to dust playing before his eyes, the sounds of Peter sobbing filling his ears. "As long as there's one man standing- one person left that's willing to fight back!-" Tony turns away, a fire in his chest, "then we haven't lost."
Steve-
He fills himself with iron and steel, forcing himself to be the leader that people need him to be.
Steve looks out at the people of Wakanda, to who remains. Natasha at his right, Rhodey to his left, Bruce and Thor behind him- what's left of his team, his friends, his family.
"Thanos might think he's already won," Steve starts, glancing at the wreckage around them, the carcasses of aliens sprawled out at their feet. "That he's beaten us, that we've been dealt with. But he's wrong."
Steve stand tall, making sure his words are clear, that his message is heard. "He's hurt us, cost us friends," he takes a calming breath, "but he can't take our will, our courage to stand up and push back."
This is normally where Steve might bring out the shield, show that he is ready to put action behind his words- instead, he stands bare-faced as not a symbol, but just another man willing to fight.
"Thanos may think that this is the end, but as long as we are still here, as long as we are willing to fight, this is only the beginning."
So Marvel stomped on your heart too?
I'm still in shock honestly.
They better fix this.