Guynecologist, by Dickfart
Guy-sensei was pissed off. Everywhere he looked the choke hold of capitalistic greed and twenty year old girls turning into baby factories swept his nation. There was a dangerous rise in overpopulation, a problem usually kept in check by rampant inbreeding, which lead to nine out of ten kids getting killed in combat for being defective. He could not believe what he was seeing now, and he couldn't accept it. This was not the future he had envisioned for Rock Lee. He was so mad that he round house kicked himself twenty or so years in the past, when all the great ninja moms were all still preggers.
"YES!" he said, thumb in the air, teeth glinting. He arrived in the Leaf Village's Planned Parenthood facility with flawless ease. Kushina Uzumaki, wife of the forth hokage, said "who the fuck is this guy?" to which mom Uchiha said, "Oh, that's just Might Guy, the one man in the village besides Cockashi to not impregnate the collective herd of ninja womens."
"Your futures are all terrible!" said Guy-sensei, pulling out a DVD of the Naruto Shitpoo den series. "Watch! You'll be begging for an abortion by the end of it."
"Oh please," said some pink-haired bitch. Then the show played.
It started out innocent enough. Naruto saved the day. Naruto ate ramen. Naruto said BELIEVE IT and then Rasengan'd some nigga in the face. The moms were not seeing the problem, but then the filler episodes happened. There were 9348573984562983475 of them altogether, and most of them involved Naruto farting deep into Hinata's neck, or having wet dreams about Saucegay. Sometimes he'd eat curry. Sometimes his butthole would hurt. Sometimes he'd get punched. Occasionally there were entire episodes of him twiddling his thumbs. The writers thought it was the equivalent to Goku screaming in Frieza's face.
And who can blame them for taking that angle? After all, every black kid on this earth dreams of copying Goku and all his zany friends. The problem here, though, is that Naruto isn't black, which is literally so too problematic and has middle class white teenagers on tumblr in a frenzy. After several complaints from the fanbase about how Naruto, Lance Bass McClain, and Korra were all white-washed in all of their fanart pictures, then came the accusations of queer-baiting. And Guy-sensei agreed. He had several bits of photographic evidence that Cockashi-sensei did, indeed, suck his amazing, manly dick, but the writers refused to include that because it showed Cockashi's face. Ignorant, racist douchebags.
"HA! My sons were genetically engineered to be gay!" said Uchiha mom all of a sudden, when she saw these bitches tryna get into his trousers and fucking failing. "That way the Leaf Ninja Government had to legalize gay marriage and put more gays on TV. They wouldn't slight an Uchiha, the most important family in town! I'm taking a stand because our clan is much too inbred. It's so inbred its taken to voting Republican!"
"Hey, I resent that," said mom Hyuuga, who was a Republican. "Also, I don't believe in abortion. My daughter is going to marry that Naruto. It was foretold in the prophesy by Jesus. Also, being gay is a choice, and a sin. The Uchiha clan will burn for it."
"I'm starting to think I made the correct "choice" then," said Cockashi, his young self admiring his old self on the big screen. Everyone knows Cockashi and Guy-sensei are the only two Naruturd characters that actually matter.
"This is worse than I thought," said Guy, not getting through to these stupid ninja moms. "LADIES, sorry to cut this short, but I really must put an end to it. ABORTION NO JUTSU!"
He summoned coat hangers and vacuum cleaners from the void, and before the ninja moms could so much as blink, their babies were being MURDERED inside of them and then vacuumed OUT
"Nuuuuu!" said Hyugga mom. "You'll be hearing from my lawyer, Might Guy! Forgive me, father, for I have sinned!"
"It's OK, baby," said mom Uchiha, rubbing her soon to be empty belly. "Your soul will be reborn in Final Fantasy XV and it'll be a better life, you'll see." See, Uchiha mom had spoiled herself on the ending already, so she knew her son had absolutely no shot at normalcy, or happiness in this dimension. "By the way, Kushina, your son is going to turn into a drunk and an abusive father, all because of repressed homosexuality and the crushing realization that he is not, nor ever will be Goku."
"Well, in that case, suck it dry, Guy!" said Kushina, throwing her arms back while being Abortion no Jutsu'd.
"Now I don't have to worry about grounding my son, or making him clean his room," said Shikamaru mom.
"I can go back to eating for one!" said fat mom.
"I don't have to die for the sake of my demon child's character development!" said Gaara's mom, who was there because who the fuck wants to give birth or get an abortion in a desert anyway! They'd get sand in their cooch!
"Let's Make America Great Again!" said the future president's mom, getting Abortion no Jutsu'd the hardest.
"Yes, great again," said pink-haired bitch, while stroking blonde bitch's erect nipples.
"I see my work here is a box office success!" said Guy, thumbs up once more. When the jutsu was done abortioning, every mom in the room was a happy mom, except for Hyuuga mom. Now that she was no longer pregnant, she had no problem tripping down some stairs and cracking her neck on purpose. As for the rest of them, they lead happy and fruitful lives in peace.
So Guy-sensei round house kicked back to the future with his new boy toy, younger Cockashi, and they made whoopee all night long with older Kakashi forever and ever, while every stupid ninja clan died out and ceased to exist forever. The world was a better place for it, especially America!
The End