Note: This is my anti-Negan story, one of the AUs I had to write to get away from "The Man With The Bat" else I sink into a pit of despair. It's a Caryl geekfest... If you think I'm exaggerating, well, there's a D&D game in a later chapter.
Timestamped is Google Hangouts
[[ ]] and italics = SMS/texting
Group chat is Facebook Messenger.
Disclaimer: Not my circus, not my monkeys! I don't own these characters, I'm just going to make them do really nerdy things.
09:03:08 AM DDixon: Carol.
09:03:10 AM CPeletier: Mornin' sunshine!
09:03:23 AM DDixon: Carol.
09:04:06 AM CPeletier: Daryl.
09:04:12 AM DDixon: Carol.
09:04:31 AM CPeletier: What?
09:05:42 AM DDixon: Carol.
09:06:02 AM CPeletier: /sigh
09:07:10 AM DDixon: Carol.
09:07:54 AM CPeletier: ...
09:09:23 AM DDixon: Where have you been all my life?
09:12:45 AM CPeletier: Waiting for you to say something.
09:13:10 AM DDixon: Something.
09:16:59 AM CPeletier: /smh so lame. Kinda busy here. Code is not self-generating. Use your words.
09:17:34 AM DDixon: Code will write itself once you create our AI overlord.
09:19:54 AM CPeletier: That's at least two years out. And stop talking about the Overlordvay or you'll be replaced with a robit.
09:20:14 AM DDixon: You wouldn't be the first woman to replace me with something mechanical.
09:20:43 AM CPeletier: BWAHAHAHAHAHA
09:20:48 AM CPeletier: /wipes tears
09:22:07 AM CPeletier: well played. But I doubt that…
09:22:46 AM DDixon: Awwww. You flirtin' with me, Peletier?
09:24:12 AM CPeletier: not at all. That would be inappropriate. ...unless it helps to keep that ticket clearance up?
09:25:55 AM DDixon: Is that all I am to you? Testing monkey?
09:26:12 AM DDixon: you break my heart.
09:26:20 AM DDixon: im a broken man
09:26:32 AM DDixon: a shell of a man
09:28:43 AM DDixon: you are heartless, you don't even care
09:30:14 AM DDixon: pay attention to me!
09:34:27 AM CPeletier: pff. I'm sure you get plenty of attention. I've seen the pictures.
09:36:49 AM DDixon: PFFFF. And not fair. I don't have any pictures of you.
09:42:54 AM CPeletier: That's because camera lenses can't capture my image. It looks like a blurry flash of light. It's weird, I know, but gramma always said you hook up with one demon at a satanic orgy and this is what happens…
09:43:17 AM DDixon: …go on.
09:43:58 AM CPeletier: ?
09:46:21 AM DDixon: Oh, sorry. All I read was cameras, hook up, and orgy. I thought you were gonna tell me about your weekend.
09:47:43 AM CPeletier: PFFFFFFFFFFF
09:50:34 AM DDixon: pictures or it didn't happen
09:52:55 AM CPeletier: ooops! Gotta run. Meeting…
09:57:43 AM DDixon: Liar.
Carol clicked her status icon to Away and sat back. Her face was flushed, and she couldn't seem to stop smiling. It was a common thing whenever she chatted with Daryl. It was also…problematic.
08:02:06 AM DDixon: carol.
08:05:43 AM CPeletier: daryl.
08:07:36 AM DDixon: you never call, you never write
08:08:14 AM CPeletier: you don't bring me flowers anymore?
08:08:34 AM DDixon: ?
08:08:58 AM DDixon: when did i bring you flowers?
08:10:03 AM CPeletier: its an old song.
08:11:16 AM DDixon: oh. Don't know it.
08:11:47 AM CPeletier: clearly.
08:14:52 AM DDixon: do you want flowers? I can get you flowers.
08:15:48 AM CPeletier: by 3 o'clock this afternoon, with nail polish?
08:16:02 AM DDixon: did you just quote Lebowski?
08:16:24 AM CPeletier: no.
08:16:51 AM DDixon: yes you did, jerkface
08:17:03 AM CPeletier: ...jerkface?
08:17:10 AM DDixon: you heard me.
08:17:35 AM CPeletier: did you need something or are you just harassing me?
08:17:41 AM DDixon: oh so much
08:17:53 AM CPeletier: something I might actually be able to do?
08:17:59 AM DDixon: OH SO MUCH
08:18:08 AM CPeletier: something i might actually do for YOU?
08:18:25 AM DDixon: ouch.
08:18:41 AM DDixon: who am I kidding? You'd do anything for me.
08:18:47 AM CPeletier: mmhmm
08:18:55 AM DDixon: you know I'm right
08:19:03 AM CPeletier: mmhmm
08:19:37 AM DDixon: face it, Peletier, you think I'm awesome
08:19:43 AM CPeletier: mmhmm
08:19:51 AM DDixon: you think I'm AMAZING
08:20:00 AM CPeletier: eh. You're alright
08:20:04 AM DDixon: OH!
08:20:28 AM DDixon: you wound me.
08:22:56 AM CPeletier: meeting time, jerkface
08:23:49 AM DDixon: …
02:48:34 PM CPeletier: …
02:49:02 PM DDixon: ← smug
02:49:06 PM CPeletier: i can't believe you
02:49:15 PM DDixon: did they get the card right?
02:49:49 PM CPeletier: it says "Nail polish. Sincerely, Jerkface"
02:50:12 PM DDixon: worth every penny.
02:53:00 PM CPeletier: how did you know I love tulips?
02:53:47 PM DDixon: you told me once. Mind like a steel trap.
02:54:36 PM CPeletier: you made me tear up a little
02:54:40 PM DDixon: what? For real?
02:55:10 PM CPeletier: yeah. Never got flowers before.
02:55:12 PM DDixon: ?
02:55:17 PM DDixon: not even Valentine's Day?
02:56:57 PM CPeletier: nope
02:57:09 PM DDixon: …
02:59:24 PM DDixon: glad im your first ;)
03:00:12 PM CPeletier: jerkface
They'd been working together for a few years, she was the lead programmer on her project and he came on as a QA tester. And he was GOOD, his attention to detail was beyond compare, and he seemed to have the patience of Job when it came to stepping through testing scripts. Since he started working with her, her project had the fewest bugs at release of any app in the history of the company, and because problems were getting caught so early, BEFORE they broke other things, she didn't have to spend all her time playing catch-up on bad code. She could try new things, innovate, build features that they'd only dreamed of during early iterations and road mapping, and clients noticed. Sales went up, and she was suddenly the Golden Child, but she made damn sure that her entire team got credit for their accomplishments. And, for the first and only time in her career — at this job or anywhere else — Carol made it a stipulation in her contract that no one on her team could be moved to another project unless it was by their request, including support and the QA testers. That was unheard of, and she had to fight like hell at first to get them to agree to it since testers were a hot commodity, and GOOD testers even more rare, but the numbers didn't lie and the VP of Sales played the PNL card and told her boss "whatever she wants, just give it to her." The end result? Until Daryl got bored or a better offer came along, she had her own pocket testing monkey.
11:46:56 AM DDixon: Carol.
11:47:22 AM CPeletier: Daryl.
11:47:48 AM DDixon: im bored
11:48:02 AM CPeletier: ?
11:48:09 AM CPeletier: with your job? With this project? Do you want to move to another project?
11:49:26 AM DDixon: NO! Jeez. With this ticket. Give me something a little more challenging.
11:49:47 AM CPeletier: oh. Workin on it.
11:50:34 AM DDixon: gawd. Overreact much?
11:52:48 AM CPeletier: thought you wanted to leave me :(
11:52:57 AM DDixon: never.
11:53:09 AM DDixon: dont be stupid
11:53:38 AM CPeletier: YOU ARE
11:53:56 AM DDixon: good one. Real mature.
Professionally, they were a perfect match, had been since day one. The first couple tickets she got from him were so detailed and thorough that she could pinpoint exactly where the problem was in over 10,000 lines of code for that module, and was able to fix it in less than an hour. It was something that could have very easily gone on for weeks, particularly if it had hit production and live data had been involved, and she sent an email to him that cc'd his boss thanking him. She got back a "heh, just doing my job" in reply, the email equivalent of a blush and "aww shucks, ma'am," and after that they were buddies.
It wasn't long before ticket comments and emails turned into chat — it's just so much faster — and then company chat was too restrictive and they were exchanging personal handles.
02:12:03 PM Ezio-DD: Carol? Testing, testing, testing.
02:12:23 PM SofiaLamb: It's ME! It's ME!
02:12:31 PM Ezio-DD: heh. Had to look up the name, knew I recognized it.
02:13:47 PM Ezio-DD: you know she's the bad guy, right?
02:13:57 PM SofiaLamb: pff. Whatever, *assassin*?
02:14:29 PM Ezio-DD: :D knew I liked you…
02:15:28 PM Ezio-DD: Very important question. Vitally important.
02:15:49 PM SofiaLamb: Ok. Shoot.
02:15:57 PM Ezio-DD: XBox or PS3?
02:17:23 PM SofiaLamb: I was half tempted to fuck with you and say PC, but really, why's it gotta be either or?
02:17:56 PM Ezio-DD: will you marry me?
02:19:12 PM SofiaLamb: …
02:19:31 PM SofiaLamb: sorry. Taken.
02:19:56 PM Ezio-DD: for real?
02:20:33 PM SofiaLamb: yep. Six years next month.
02:21:58 PM Ezio-DD: motherfucker.
02:23:37 PM SofiaLamb: :( sorry. Does this mean we can't be friends anymore?
02:26:09 PM Ezio-DD: not at all. We can be friends. But you've broken my heart
02:26:37 PM SofiaLamb: teehee. If it's any consolation, he only plays Halo and CoD, so we'll always have Left 4 Dead. Lie back and think of killing zombies…
02:28:12 PM Ezio-DD: okay, three things.
02:28:43 PM Ezio-DD: First, don't tease me, woman. L4D, Friday, 8pm, you WILL be my player 2.
02:28:50 PM SofiaLamb: HAH. More like you'll be MY player 2…
02:28:57 PM Ezio-DD: …
02:29:13 PM Ezio-DD: Know what? I think I'm okay with being your player 2. But don't go tellin anyone.
02:29:47 PM SofiaLamb: your secret is safe.
02:30:14 PM Ezio-DD: next, promise me you'll never play L4D with anyone but me.
02:30:56 PM SofiaLamb: we haven't even played yet and we're gonna be exclusive? Goes both ways, you know.
02:32:15 PM Ezio-DD: I'm not afraid of commitment.
02:32:43 PM SofiaLamb: okay then. I promise. You'll always be my player 2. :)
02:34:23 PM Ezio-DD: :) and finally, you are waaaaaay naughtier outside company chat. I like it. ;)
02:34:57 PM SofiaLamb: What? LIES. I said nothing naughty. Sassy, maybe.
02:36:04 PM Ezio-DD: "Lie back and think of killing zombies…"
02:36:43 PM SofiaLamb: that's not naughty, that's just solid advice. Everyone needs a zombie plan.
02:37:34 PM Ezio-DD: mmhmm. So if I logged on tomorrow and told you all about how I was lying on my bed, thinking about "killing zombies" with you, that'd be perfectly innocent?
02:39:45 PM SofiaLamb: …yes?
02:40:57 PM Ezio-DD: And how I was thinking about you with that pump-action shotgun with the big spread…
02:41:12 PM SofiaLamb: Jesus, Daryl. Point made. And you've got a dirty, dirty mind.
02:41:35 PM Ezio-DD: what? It's the best weapon in the game!
02:42:12 PM SofiaLamb: lol. You're kind of a jerk, Dixon.
02:43:23 PM Ezio-DD: Nuh-uh. I'm a tease. Get it right.
02:43:52 PM SofiaLamb: noted.
02:47:02 PM SofiaLamb: not fair teasing the old married lady
02:47:10 PM Ezio-DD: not gonna play fair. ;)
02:47:18 PM SofiaLamb: Daryl.
02:47:27 PM Ezio-DD: What?
02:47:35 PM SofiaLamb: Stop.
02:47:44 PM Ezio-DD: Stop what?
02:47:56 PM SofiaLamb: you know what.
02:48:12 PM Ezio-DD: a boy can dream, can't he?
02:48:24 PM SofiaLamb: exactly. You're what, all of 22?
02:48:32 PM Ezio-DD: …
02:48:40 PM Ezio-DD: I'm 25.
02:55:09 PM SofiaLamb: and I'm 34. And married. And I need to be the grown up here and put some brakes on the flirting. I love working with you. I love talking to you. I consider you a good friend. But this is hugging the line if not going over, and it's making me uncomfortable. I don't want to have to stop talking to you. Okay?
02:56:23 PM Ezio-DD: I'll agree to whatever terms you want, whatever boundaries you want to set, if you answer one question.
02:57:00 PM SofiaLamb: you can ask, I can't guarantee I'll answer
02:57:34 PM Ezio-DD: fair enough.
02:57:46 PM SofiaLamb: what's your question?
03:03:09 PM Ezio-DD: is it making you uncomfortable because you don't like what I'm saying or because you do?
03:09:45 PM SofiaLamb: …
03:10:04 PM Ezio-DD: that's not an answer
03:10:23 PM SofiaLamb: that's not a fair question
03:10:57 PM Ezio-DD: told you I'm not gonna play fair
03:12:43 PM SofiaLamb: and I told you I'm not going to play at all.
03:14:59 PM Ezio-DD: are we having our first fight?
03:15:43 PM SofiaLamb: /sigh
03:15:51 PM SofiaLamb: yeah, I think we are.
03:16:32 PM Ezio-DD: does that mean…
03:17:46 PM Ezio-DD: …makeup sex?
03:18:02 PM SofiaLamb: OMG DARYL CUT IT OUT
03:18:19 PM Ezio-DD: :( m'sorry
03:18:55 PM Ezio-DD: I can't help it. I don't seem to be able to filter myself with you. And I can't usually talk to women at all, let alone like this.
03:21:24 PM SofiaLamb: bullshit
03:21:45 PM Ezio-DD: it's true
03:21:53 PM SofiaLamb: BULLSHIT
03:25:58 PM Ezio-DD: I'm not sure where you got this impression of me, but I'm a geek. A nerd. I spend all day testing software and all night playing video games. On the weekends, if I'm lucky, I spend all day and all night in the woods, alone. I occasionally go to the movies or maybe the bar with my brother, but believe me when I say that I do NOT fit in with that crowd. So yeah, I'm not exactly smooth with the ladies.
03:30:02 PM SofiaLamb: Since we're putting our cards on the table here, I'm a nerd who spends all day writing software and all night doing boring grown-up stuff, wishing it was video games. Weekends are much of the same. Been married almost six years. Have a house, two cars, no pets or kids. My life isn't very exciting.
03:31:37 PM SofiaLamb: and I'm calling bullshit on you because I've seen your picture. Daryl, you're HOT. I don't believe for a second that you don't have women crawling all over you all the time.
03:32:43 PM Ezio-DD: Huh? What picture?
03:34:17 PM SofiaLamb: Intranet. The Client Services retreat pictures.
03:34:47 PM Ezio-DD: meh
03:37:59 PM SofiaLamb: That IS you in the hat, right? The one who tripped and fell and had his sleeves torn off?
03:38:14 PM Ezio-DD: …
03:38:26 PM Ezio-DD: yeah. That's me.
03:38:34 PM SofiaLamb: mmhmm.
03:38:42 PM SofiaLamb: HOT.
03:39:16 PM Ezio-DD: quit objectifyin' me, woman. I'm not just a pretty face!
03:39:36 PM SofiaLamb: Oh, I'm aware. You're the whole package…
03:39:52 PM SofiaLamb: fuck. Sorry. Shouldn't have said that.
03:41:14 PM Ezio-DD: nah, you can keep talking about my package, it's fine. Got an answer to my question at least.
03:41:46 PM SofiaLamb: shut up
03:41:56 PM Ezio-DD: nope. :)
03:42:28 PM SofiaLamb: wow. You know how they say conversations in chat lack nuance and social cues? Never thought I'd see a single word ooze so much smugness.
They had their first "date" playing Left 4 Dead that Friday, and it was the most fun she'd had in years. He said the same thing, and they played again the next Friday but he invited his roommate, Glenn, into the party and even though she was a little sad that their jokes about exclusivety weren't true, she still had more fun than she felt she had any right to have. It became a standing thing, and the group got bigger — some of Daryl's co-workers that she only knew by name, over in QA and support, and some of their friends from other places, even some other women which made her incredibly happy. But what mattered was that Friday nights at 8 it was always her and Daryl partnered up in some form or fashion, playing something together whether it was L4D, Team Fortress 2, or Saint's Row. Unspoken, understood, a standing date for over a year. Until it wasn't.
The first Friday that he didn't login at regular time, she didn't think much of it. Things happen, he was just running late. When it was 9:30 and he still hadn't logged in, she got worried. She broke her own cardinal rule and asked Glenn if everything, was alright, and she knew immediately by Glenn's hesitation, his tone of voice, that Daryl was out on a date. She knew, logically, that this would happen eventually, had thought she was prepared for it, but the spike of pain in her gut made it clear that thinking she was ready and actually being ready were two different things. Glenn mumbled something about him being "out" and it took all of her years of experience of pretending everything is just fine to pull off her response of "Oh! That's fantastic! I'm so glad to hear that."
She logged off early that night and turned off her phone — somehow she had developed a throbbing headache — and didn't see Daryl's text until the next morning. It came in at 11:30, telling her he was online if she was around, he'd heard she wasn't feeling well, etc. She didn't answer it at first, so sick with jealousy that it scared her, and indulged herself in a good wallow in misery while Ed snored away next to her having stumbled in drunk at 3am. She didn't need the glitter or reek of cheap perfume to know he'd been at the strip club, that was pretty much standard operating procedure when he was out with his "friends."
She had no right to be jealous. She had no rights at all. She was the one who was tied down, not him. He was young and single and attractive, and of course he would meet someone. She had no claim on him, and hell, even if she was single herself that didn't mean a damn thing. They might have flirted, might have expressed some inappropriate feelings at one point, but it was crazy to think that was anything but a moment in time, an online flirtation that went too far sometimes but not something that would ever actually happen irl. The reality was that she was significantly older than him when it came down to it, her life experiences had damaged and aged her beyond her chronological years, and she was no prize for anyone let alone a man like Daryl. He deserved better. Better than her, better than her life and the baggage that came with it. Just...better.
If nothing else, she was an adult, and she could suck it up and not muddy things up again, not introduce anything that would complicate their friendship or work relationship.
CP: [[ Had my phone turned off, had a headache. This week has been rough. As you know. ]]
CP: [[ Heard you had a hot date though. :) GOOD! You need to get out more. ]]
It was still really early so she was surprised when she got a response back right away.
DD: [[ That what you heard? A "hot date"? Wouldn't go that far… ]]
CP: [[ Dunno, maybe I just wanted to live vicariously through my young, single, HOT friend. ;) ]]
CP: [[ Don't ruin it for me, I need to think someone is out there gettin' strange. ]]
DD: [[ so you'd be okay with that? With me "gettin' strange"? ]]
CP: [[ I want you to be happy. ]]
DD: [[ you didn't answer my question ]]
CP: [[ I'm okay with whatever makes you happy. Even if it's hookers and blow. ]]
DD: [[ and you think fucking some bar whore would make me happy? ]]
CP: [[ well, you are a man… ]]
DD: [[ That's a really fucked up thing to say Carol. ]]
CP: [[ Poor choice of words, okay? I was trying to make a joke. ]]
DD: [[ well it isn't funny ]]
CP: [[ Sorry. So how was your date? ]]
DD: [[ … ]]
CP: [[ is it anyone I know? Someone from work? ]]
CP: [[ oooo, is it that new chick in support? Tyra? Tara? Something like that. ]]
DD: [[ No, it isn't Tara. She's been in the XBL group for the past few weeks but you apparently didn't notice. Including last night. ]]
CP: [[ ...are you mad at me? ]]
DD: [[ no ]]
DD: [[ yes. ]]
DD: [[ fuck, I don't know. ]]
CP: [[ I'm sorry ]]
DD: [[ for what? ]]
CP: [[ whatever I said that made you so angry. ]]
DD: [[ I hate when you do that, when you apologize for shit that you didn't do. You don't even know what you're apologizing for, but here you are. ]]
CP: [[ I'm sorry for being sorry? ]]
DD: [[ Just...stop. I'm going hunting. No reception. I'll talk to you Monday. ]]
CP: [[ k ]]
Something changed with him then, whatever it was that made him angry didn't go away, it didn't get better with time, but there was no way to go backwards and resolve it. By the time Monday rolled around, it was too late, the distance between them had become fixed in place. They both tried to act like nothing was wrong but something was wrong. She didn't know how to talk to him anymore outside of work, and anything she said seemed to piss him off, and her feeling of desperation and hopelessness as one of the most important relationships in her life crumbled around her was causing her to sink into despair. For so long he had been the bright spot in her life, and when he became cold toward her it made her withdraw even more from him. She'd always just been waiting for him to come to his senses about spending so much time with her anyway, so this feeling of inevitability kept her from fighting to keep him close. She had no right to his time or his attention, and no expectation of it, and he seemed to be just fine with that. He missed more and more Fridays, and the disappointment was so much that sometimes she just didn't bother getting online. She couldn't handle if he wasn't there, but she also couldn't stomach the distance between them if he was, the great chasm that had formed that she had no way to bridge.
It was one of those Fridays where she didn't bother getting online. Ed was out with his friends and she was tired and headachey after a long week of problems with work and walking on eggshells with Daryl — when he even talked to her at all — and just generally feeling like the world was against her. After she got home from work, she immediately changed into pajamas and curled up on the couch with a bowl of cereal for dinner and her laptop. She wouldn't be on XBox Live tonight, but that didn't mean she couldn't play something, and she wanted to try some new DLC for Civ V. It wasn't her favorite Civ game, but maybe this release would help. Her phone vibrated the S.O.S. code and she knew she had a text from Daryl.
DD: [[ where are you? ]]
CP: [[ at home, on my couch. In Michigan. United States. Planet Earth. ]]
DD: [[ why aren't you online? ]]
CP: [[ not up to it tonight. Sorry. ]]
DD: [[ why not? ]]
CP: [[ just not feeling it, okay? I'm sorry that you finally chose to grace me with your presence and I'm not there for it, but shit happens. ]]
DD: [[ what's that supposed to mean? "Grace me with your presence"? ]]
CP: [[ nothing. Forget it. ]]
DD: [[ no, I want to know what you mean. ]]
CP: [[ I said forget it. I'm not going to be online tonight. Sorry. Maybe next week. Now let it go. ]]
DD: [[ what the fuck is your problem? ]]
CP: [[ seriously? ]]
CP: [[ are you really asking me that? ]]
DD: [[ yeah. What the fuck is your problem? You're being a raging bitch ]]
CP: [[ you're joking, right? This is a joke. Haha very funny. You got me good. You've barely spoken to me in months and that makes me a bitch? Seriously, I'm surprised this conversation has even lasted this long, usually you are loooong gone by now. ]]
DD: [[ bullshit. ]]
DD: [[ well, maybe. ]]
DD: [[ you just make me so MAD ]]
DD: [[ I want to talk to you, I do, but then I remember what you said and it just makes me so mad I want to punch something so I can't. ]]
CP: [[ WHAT DID I SAY? YOU'VE NEVER TOLD ME WHAT I SAID THAT WAS SO AWFUL. MAYBE IF I KNEW I COULD FIX THINGS ]]
DD: [[ STOP YELLING AT ME ]]
CP: [[ Daryl, what did I say that pissed you off so much that you stopped being my friend? ]]
DD: [[ I didn't stop being your friend. ]]
CP: [[ YES YOU DID ]]
DD: [[ no, i didn't. Did you stop being my friend? ]]
CP: [[ If i did, it wasn't because I wanted to. But you dont' seem to ever want me around or want to talk to me, so I stopped trying. ]]
DD: [[ i want you around. ]]
CP: [[ I don't believe you. ]]
CP: [[ Look, it's okay if you don't. I'm a big girl, I'll live. I just wish I knew what I did, and i wish us drifting apart could have been a little more gradual, because just cutting me off like this has really sucked. But whatever. It doesn't matter. I won't force myself on you anymore. We'll just be co-workers, okay? I won't even log in on Fridays, you don't have to worry about any awkwardness or anything. ]]
DD: [[ what the fuck is going on right now? Are you breaking up with me? ]]
CP: [[ can't break up if there's no relationship and I'd have a hard time convincing anyone we're even friends these days ]]
DD: [[ and whose fault is that? ]]
CP: [[ I want to stop talking now. My head hurts. I don't think more fighting is going to solve anything anyway . ]]
DD: [[ is Ed there? ]]
CP: [[ why? ]]
DD: [[ just answer me. Is Ed there? ]]
CP: [[ why do you want to know? ]]
DD: [[ know what? It don't matter. If he is there, he can fuckin deal with it. Now answer your phone. ]]
CP: [[ I don't want to talk to you right now ]]
DD: [[ ANSWER YOUR GODDAMN PHONE ]]
"I don't want to talk to you."
"Too fuckin' bad." She'd heard him, of course, on conference calls at work, over the headset in XBL parties, he'd even called her desk a few times for work issues, but he sounded different over her cell phone. It wasn't just the anger in his voice, there was something about having a private conversation, a personal conversation that made it different. His voice was deep and gravelly, his accent so thick from emotion that she couldn't help how her body was reacting to the sound even though her brain was trying to shut it all down. "Where's your husband? He gonna be home soon?"
"Unlikely," she said, unhappy with the bitterness in her tone but she didn't really have the energy to care. "It's Friday. He is, without a doubt, in the middle of getting a lap dance right now from a poly sci major trying to pay her tuition."
There was a long pause. "He do that a lot?"
"Every Friday!" She said, with a perky sort of cynicism that sounded pitiful even to her. "What do you want, Daryl?" Now she just sounded tired. That was better. Exhausted was better than pitiful.
"You never said anythin' before about Ed goin' to strip clubs."
"You never asked, and I can't think of one good reason why you'd need to know. And the last thing I want to talk about to you is how pathetic and sad my life is. You were my escape from it, you were a good thing in my life, I didn't need to spoil that by bringing Ed in."
"Were." He said flatly.
"What?"
"You said were. You said you were a good thing in my life, past tense. Like I'm not anymore."
She sighed. This was all becoming so ugly and she didn't want this. She didn't want a bad ending to spoil everything that came before, because it had been so good for so long. It had been so important to her. "I don't know what you are, Daryl. I don't know what you want from me."
"I need you to know that I've been drinkin' tonight. A lot. It's the only reason I got balls enough to call you. It's good and it's bad. I'm drunk enough that I'm not followin' all the logic right now, and I might miss somethin' important. But I'm also drunk enough to say things I wouldn't be able to otherwise."
"Maybe I should hang up — "
"NO! No. We need to talk about all this because it's makin' me crazy and I can't keep feelin' like this all the time. I can't keep bein' this angry at you and this sad, and it don't matter how angry or sad I feel because I can't stay away from you." His voice had gotten low, intimate even, and she felt her insides fluttering even as she felt tense and sick.
"Coulda fooled me."
"You think I wanted to stay away from you? You think I wanted this? ...FUCK. I don't even know anymore. Why are you doin' this?" He sounded on the verge of tears, he sounded like he was in agony, and it was crushing her.
"What am I doing, Daryl? What did I do?" She was whispering, she couldn't speak without her voice breaking and if she started crying she'd never stop.
"You know how hard it is for me to sleep at night knowin' he's there with you, he's all over you? Touchin' you." His voice was quiet, strained, like he wasn't talking to her, wasn't talking to anyone, just finally pouring his heart out to the void and letting it all wash through him. She felt that being there, listening to him, was somehow a violation of his privacy. Like she should walk away and let him talk because once he sobered up he was going to regret all of this. But there wasn't anything on earth that could drag her away from that phone at that moment, she was paralyzed as her heart froze and thawed over and over. "And he's allowed to, he's got every right to, and you let him. Fuck, you probably want him to. You married him, you're his and he's yours and that's the way it's supposed to be. And I can't stop thinkin' about him there with you and how I can't say or do shit about it because I have no rights to you. You aren't mine. You ain't ever gonna be mine. And you don't seem to care that I ain't yours."
He had no idea what she felt for him. No idea how she was becoming physically ill over thinking of him with someone else. How she tortured herself, every night, lying in bed next to the stranger that she married, wanting this man that she could never have. A man she didn't deserve. She might have deserved him once, she might have been a woman worthy of him at one time, but then she met him and she violated her wedding vows in her heart, over and over, emotionally cheating on her husband by getting involved with another man, encouraging another man to become involved with her, while still married to Ed. Her marriage was a joke, long before they met, but she didn't end it then and she was not free to take up with someone else until she did. And now it was too late. By violating her vows, even if her feelings were kept hidden from him, she became a cheater unworthy of him. Nothing Ed did mattered, this was on her, and she had to live with the consequences. They both did.
"Daryl, I wish there was a way to make you understand without making this situation worse. I wish… I wish a lot of things. But you need to forget about me, you and I need to just be co-workers and friendly acquaintances because this is wrong and I should never have let this happen. This is all my fault, and you should be angry with me. You should hate me," her voice broke on that but she kept it together, found her resolve. She needed to do right by him. "On Monday, you need to ask to switch teams. We can't work together anymore. We can't be anything anymore. There is no we. I'm sorry."
She disconnected the phone and fell apart, feeling like she'd been gutted and left open to rot from the inside. Everything that had been good in her life was gone now. Everything that gave her hope was dead. She wanted to be dead, anything to stop the pain, but she was too selfish. She still kept the tiniest sliver of hope alive that maybe someday they could start again, maybe someday they could do this right. And because of that tiny pinprick of light still remaining, she had the strength to get up from the couch and move her things from the bedroom into the guest room. She would tell Ed tomorrow that it was over, that they needed to just agree to call it quits and walk away.
When she woke up, there was a single text message from Daryl that had come in at 3am.
[[ I'm not changing teams. If they want to move me, I can't stop them. You want to pretend we're strangers, that's fine, but I'm not going to jeopardize my career by jumping teams mid-project. You made your choice for both of us, so now I'm making mine. Deal with it. ]]
When she tried to reply, the number was out of service.