HELLO YES IM BACK FROM THE GRAVE WITH AN ANGSTY AF ONESHOT WOO!
... Cause creator knows I'm not good at writing anything but pain and angst (rip)... Well I hope it's atleast somewhat in character and mildly entertaining for you guys! Please review if ya want to and let me know if there's grammatical issues or whatever... Enjoy the fic and may the force be with you.
Hera sighed and collapsed back into her pilots chair. They had just finished meeting up with the main Rebel Fleet, dropping off all that was left and alive of Phoenix Squadron, Sato's team and the rest of General Dodonna's fleet.
The losses were great and pain and anger was strong and deep down inside everyone, including her. She hopes that the losses today will not be in vain. She put up a strong front mentally during the fight. Watching Sato's sacrifice, watching the pilots she helped train get overpowered, everything... But watching everything that happened today has put her on edge, something that she rarely went through due to her exceptional ability to stay (mostly) cool in most tough situations. But this was something different...
She stared out into the distance, out at the dark abyss of space. No amount of training could have prepared her for the weight that a loss like this would put on her conscious.
"Hera?" A deep voice sounded out from behind her. She jolted, spinning around quickly in her chair. She let out a sigh of relief once she became aware of who it was.
Kanan.
"Oh... Hello, Kanan." She responded, perking up her words as to maybe hide that she was overly distracted at the moment. Obviously Kanan was neither impressed nor fooled, but it was worth a shot.
"You ok?" Kanan sat himself down in the co-pilots chair, not staring directly at Hera, but still intently focused on her none-the-less.
"Yeah... I'm fine. A little rattled, of course, but fine..." Hera said, voice trailing a bit towards the end of her sentence. She looked over at Kanan for a brief moment only to find a look that read "I don't believe you" very visually spread across his face. Hera groaned.
"What am I supposed to say, Kanan?" Hera snapped, crossing her arms against her chest. "What am I supposed to say? Think? Feel?" Hera mumbled.
"I just asked if you were ok. I won't tell you how you should think, what you should say, how you should feel, but hiding the truth in those things isn't going to help anyone, and it especially won't help you."
Hera sighed, "I just... We've dealt with loss before many times in the rebellion. Many times before we've lost pilots, leaders, generals... But for some reason this loss feels... Different... I don't want to compare it to the loss of a loved one, like when I lost my mother... But I... I-I can't explain it..." Hera put her head in her hands, shaking her head back and forth while trying hard to grasp and understand the emotions twirling around inside of her.
Kanan didn't reply. For one, he didn't really know how to, and he also wanted Hera to work these emotions out herself. He knew her, if she didn't work em out for herself, she'd never do it. She almost never accepts help, preferring to lock it up on her own to avoid bringing others down and causing a problem. He always told her that she was allowed to talk to him about anything, but this was one of those things he usually never tried to push.
"I have hope that we will get through this, I know we will. But... but something inside me feels burnt out... I feel tired... Overwhelmed..." Hera slumped a bit in her chair, arms resting tiredly in her lap.
"You feel lost." Kanan stated.
"I guess that's one way to put it" Hera replied, "I just..." Hera's voice cut off quickly.
Kanan perked up at the sound of Hera's voice hitching. He gazed her way, and while his eyes were hidden by his mask, you could still tell he was focused on her.
"All of the work we put into the base, all the work put into training and recruiting... A-All of the hardwork for what? We lost so many, Kanan. W-We lost so many, young and o-old," Kanan heard Hera shift a bit in her seat, "All of these people I knew personally... I know I put up a front that losses are inevitable, and in a situation like this they are..." Hera sighed shakily.
"But it doesn't stop it from hurting still. I feel like I failed so many... Sato sacrificed himself to allow Ezra to get through... I should have-"
"Hera, don't." Kanan interrupted sharply. "Are you listening to yourself? Do not even joke about that. Sacrificing yourself for the rest of the squadron would not have done us any good."
Hera quietly stared at Kanan, somewhat shocked by the loss of his usually cool demeanor.
"Sato sacrificed himself cause he knew it was the only way you guys were gonna get Ezra out of there. The many pilots and fighters knew that death was a risk in this line of work, and as upsetting as it is, they took that risk for the greater good," Kanan continued, "Hera, I know you feel the same way. You would risk anything if it meant the rebellion would push on. But sacrificing yourself to save a few pilots who knew that death was a possibility would not do any of us any good."
Hera watched Kanan as he spoke to her, and by the end, her eyes were beginning to well up. Kanan must have sensed it too, cause in a matter of seconds he was by her side, hugging her tightly to his chest.
"I-I'm sorry, Kanan... I shouldn't h-have let my emotions g-get the best of m-me..." Hera said as the first few tears dripped down her cheek.
"Hera, if there's one thing that I learned in the past few years, it's that emotions are healthy, just don't let them control your decisions." Kanan pulled away, holding onto Hera's arm like they often did as a sign of affection. Hera returned the gesture.
"Hera, I understand what you are feeling. I went through a similar thought process after my master passed. You feel like you should have done more to lessen the pain, to stop the counts from rising. But Hera, if you would have done that, that would have left more people in pain," Kanan didn't want to guilt her for feeling how she did, but he felt that it needed to be mentioned, "Remember when you told me that you wanted to keep the family together? Hera, you are part of that family. It would never be the same had you done something silly that got you killed."
Hera choked out on a quiet sob, her shoulders wracking from the force of her trembling. Kanan held onto her tightly, trying to manipulate the force enough to at least try and give the cockpit a comforting atmosphere. Even if she doesn't feel it, he wanted to try.
"K-Kanan I..." Hera sniffed, more tears welling up in her eyes.
"It's ok Hera... It's alright." Kanan wrapped her again in a hug, pulling her into a more comfortable position on the floor (cause having him kneeling on the floor with her leaning over him was beginning to put a strain on his knees and possibly her back).
The two of them sat there, for a decent amount of time, while Kanan comforted Hera for once. Despite how much it hurts him to hear Hera's quiet sobs, her sniffles and feel her desperately attempt to calm herself down, he was glad she was finally letting herself be overwhelmed for once. She needed to let these emotions loose somehow, and after hearing what she said earlier, he was glad it wasn't while she was alone.
Eventually she tired herself out, and the rush of exhaustion that was created both from the events of the day and her overwhelming emotions was finally catching up to her. She was still leaning up against Kanan's shoulder, eyes closed and breathing as level as she could muster at the moment.
"Alright, come on. I think it's time for us to get some rest, too." Kanan patted Hera's back. Hera nodded against Kanan's shoulder and then sat upright, rubbing at her eyes both out of exhaustion and to try to rid her face of any evidence of tears.
The pair stood up, Kanan taking Hera's hand in his to help her up off of the floor. With a hand on Hera's back, Kanan and Hera made their way out of the cockpit and into the main cabin hallway.
"You want it to be the usual night routine or?"
"Mm... I think it's one of those nights, love." Hera said quietly, grabbing onto Kanan's hand and rubbing her thumb along the top.
Kanan tightened his grip on her hand and leaned in to kiss her forehead, just below the line of her pilots cap.
"Alright. Come over when your ready." Kanan smiled and the two let go of each other's hand and made their way into their separate cabins.
Hera let out a sigh once her cabin door slid shut. Slowly but surely she began removing her gloves, boots and goggles, along with her pilots garb, getting herself changed into her more comfortable set of loose sleep pants and tank top. She then stretched out her limbs, all the way out to her fingers and toes, in an attempt to try and release the tension that was deep into her muscles.
She spent a few more moments with the silence in her cabin before she shuffled tiredly over to Kanan's cabin. Tapping her knuckles on the door, she called out for Kanan, wondering if he was ready for her to come in.
The door opened suddenly, a half dressed Kanan appearing on the other side. The two of them didn't say anything as Hera came in and sat on Kanan's bunk and Kanan finished changing into his sleepwear.
Shortly after Kanan had finished getting dressed, the two found themselves curled up together on Kanan's bunk, facing each other with Hera tucked comfortably into Kanan's chest.
"Did you relay the details to the other rebel fleets already?" Kanan asked quietly.
"Yeah..." Hera replied.
"So we don't need to do it in the morning?"
"No... I think we are gonna have a day to figure everything out anyway... We've got a lot to do to get back up and going again."
"That's good..."
"..."
"..."
"Kanan?"
"Hm?"
"...Don't scare me like that ever again, love."
Kanan smiled and placed a kiss on Hera's forehead.
"I won't." Hera let out a soft sigh at his reply and Kanan sensed her beginning to drift off.
"Good night, love..."
"Good night, Hera."