I feel awful now. I feel worse for writing this than writing Fare Thee Well and he doesn't even die in this story. If this is what happens when I write things at one in the morning maybe I shouldn't write things at that time of night/morning. The song is one people are probably familiar with: Shattered by Trading Yesterday. I wasn't even going to make this a songfic but I was listening this as I wrote and ended up using the lyrics. Please don't hate me for writing a story like this… T_T
This story also explores what might have happened to Yuki if he hadn't kept dreaming of something better while locked away in the dark room. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own Fruits Basket, its characters, or the lyrics. All rights go to Natsuki Takaya and Trading Yesterday.
Yesterday I died, tomorrow's bleeding
I fall into your sunlight
The future's open wide beyond believing
To know why hope dies
OoOoO
For every love there is pain. Love was pain. Yuki had come to know this over the months of watching Tohru grow closer to Kyo. He saw it in her eyes and in that adorable blush. Each time it hurt and each time it destroyed him.
After years of building up a fantasy while surrounded by darkness, he'd found that dream brought to life in Tohru. From the beginning she'd shown him the kindness he'd been denied so many times over. The sudden exposure to it was overwhelming and terrifying. He hadn't known what to do at first.
Now that he'd finally realized what his heart had been telling him all along it was too late. She'd found her own happiness and he wasn't part of it. That's what had driven him to where he was now; quietly speaking into the phone, hoping the others wouldn't hear him. "Hatori, I need to ask you a favor."
It wasn't his own heartache he wanted to stop, but the possibility that he might come between her and happiness. If his emotions were only going to hinder her happiness then he'd get rid of them in any way he could, no matter what it did to him or how much it hurt.
OoOoO
Losing what was found
A world so hollow
Suspended in a compromise
The silence of the sound is soon to follow
Somehow, sundown
OoOoO
"Yuki, are you sure?" Hatori asked. "You don't have to do this."
Yuki felt the pain constrict his heart. He didn't want to… not really. He only knew that he couldn't bring a smile to her face the way Kyo could and a world without her smile was unimaginable. "Erase them. My feelings aren't important anymore. They never were."
Hatori put his hands in his pockets, looking at Yuki uncertainly. He seemed so lost and hurt, as if he honestly didn't know what else to do. "If that's what you truly want."
Yuki nodded. "It is."
Finally, Hatori sat down in the chair across from Yuki. He hated taking memories, especially when they were something precious. For Yuki to give up something so treasured only to ensure her happiness… Well, Hatori hoped that Tohru realized at least to some extent how much Yuki cared for her. It just didn't seem fair that some one who had struggled and hurt so much should have to give up a cherished dream. Hatori had been one of the few who had a full understanding of what Yuki had gone through when he was younger and there was no doubt in his mind that Tohru was Yuki's entire world and worth more to him than anything else even as he gave up those feelings.
OoOoO
And finding answers is forgetting
All of the questions we called home
Passing the graves of the unknown
OoOoO
Yuki closed his eyes in preparation. I love you, he thought. Hatori put his hand over his eyes and Yuki took a deep breath. In what little time he had left, he went over all of the times his pulse had quickened and those times he'd suddenly been aware of the fact that Tohru had been looking at him and the flushed face he'd had to hide from her. The time he'd very nearly let his heart run away with him and kissed her in his brother's shop only to be interrupted. That feeling of relief when she'd liked her White Day gift.
They were all dear to him even if they'd amounted to nothing. All his small dreams and desires. Holding her hand, hearing her laugh, that smile, helping her study, her love of strawberries, and all the little things he'd held so dear for so long. She'd become that dream he'd envisioned in darkness: A happy home with everyone smiling. A home that no one would ever want to leave; a warm place. That was how he felt about her.
He'd only wanted the chance to love her.
Suddenly, everything stopped moving. His mind seemed to shut down, losing the vibrant emotion it had only just moments ago been pounding with. Everything stopped being, it seemed. The last thing he knew before passing out was an unnatural emptiness.
OoOoO
As reason clouds my eyes, splendor fading
Illusions of the sunlight
And the reflection of a lie will keep me waiting
With love gone for so long
OoOoO
When Yuki regained consciousness and found himself on the bed in Hatori's miniature infirmary he didn't know what to think at first. Why on earth was he here? He felt fine and his bronchitis hadn't been a problem since the endurance run.
He sat up, trying to understand. He'd just have to find Hatori and ask him. The minute he got out of bed, his head began spinning at dizzying speeds and he put his fingers to his temples while the other hand sought support from the nearby wall. He tried to concentrate on the floor but his vision kept blacking out sporadically.
What had happened?
"Yuki?" Hatori's voice seemed far away and distorted. "Are you all right?"
"Um… My head hurts. I think I might have a headache or something." Even his own voice didn't seem where it was supposed to be.
His hand slipped on the wall and he fell, caught by someone's supportive hands which guided him to bed and forced him to lie back down. "Sleep," some one ordered, but he couldn't even identify the voice. Hatori? It had to be him. He was so confused; it was almost as if he'd lost something. "Sleep," Hatori's voice said again.
Almost against his will, Yuki fell into sleep, helpless against whatever was happening to him.
OoOoO
Hatori sat beside Yuki's bed and watched him sleep. He wasn't taking it well. Perhaps he was asleep now but what would happen when he woke up again? Hatori hadn't expected that kind of reaction from him; he'd never seen anyone respond that way after having their memories erased. He didn't even know what to call it. Disorientation seemed to be the best word for it. Was his mind searching for the lost memories and reacting to the loss?
"I'm sorry," Hatori told Yuki's sleeping form. "I'm sorry. This is the second time I've take away your dream."
Hatori knew that part of the beauty that drew people to Yuki was the ever-present hope in his eyes. If he had taken that light out of his eyes, the doctor wasn't sure he would be able to forgive himself.
OoOoO
And this day's ending
Is the proof of time
Killing all the faith I know
Knowing that faith is all I hold
OoOoO
The second time Yuki woke he was conscious of some one holding his hand. Still bleary, he glanced over to see Tohru sitting there. Why was she there?
The moment she saw him stir Tohru sat up, "Yuki-kun? How are you feeling? Hatori called last night to tell us you were here so I came to stay with you. Are you feeling better? I can—" She stopped talking when he wordlessly took his hand from hers and buried it under the covers.
"I'm fine, Honda-san," he said in an almost uncaring tone. It didn't even sound like him. Tohru looked at him a little more closely. He wasn't even looking at her anymore; instead he was staring up at the ceiling of the room. His eyes… they were void. There was no emotion at all behind them. He was a shell, his spirit gone and withered away.
He turned to look at her, his eyes almost haunting in how empty they were. "Why did you even bother to come?"
Tohru blinked. Yuki had never said something like that to her before. He usually apologized for making her worry and going to any trouble. And she'd assure him it was nothing and continue taking care of him. This wasn't like Yuki at all. "I came because I care about you, Yuki-kun." Her soft trembling voice was almost frightened. And this new version of Yuki honestly did scare her in how different he really was.
"Don't."
Yuki's answer once again took her by surprise. "Wh- what do you mean?"
"Don't care about me." Yuki turned his gaze to the window. "I'm not worth it." Then, he curled up on his side, hugging his knees to chest and pulling the blankets up over his head.
Tohru sat in silence, not even realizing she was crying until the tears ran down her face. She didn't think before saying, "Yuki-kun, stop it! Th-this isn't you! Please, come back to me. Please d-don't do this." She tried to pull back the covers, but he held them where they were. She touched his shoulder to shake him out of it and he tensed causing her to draw away instantly.
What she heard next broke her heart so entirely she couldn't even respond. "Go away, Honda-san. Leave me alone and don't come back." Although muffled, his voice was emotionless, the words he'd said not bothering him at all.
Unable to stand it anymore, she ran out of the room. "Hatori-san! Something's wrong! I- I don't understand. He's not acting like himself at all and I'm worried."
Hatori didn't seem surprise but rather mournful and dispirited. "Wait here," he said. Already knowing what he was about to see, Hatori went in to see Yuki himself. "You're scaring Tohru-san, Yuki," he told the blanket covered form.
Slowly, the blankets slipped away and Yuki looked at Hatori with the gaze he'd been dreading to see. The was no hope, or faith in the existence in something more. There was only an empty sea staring at him.
"Fine" was the heartless answer he gave before returning to his former position under the blankets.
Hatori sank down in the chair Tohru had abandoned and buried his face his hands to cry. Kana and Momiji… he'd taken their dreams away too. He'd stolen from them. Both of them had remained hopeful and happy, even if his sleeping hours were haunted by what he'd done. This time though he knew without a doubt that he'd ruined some one by his ability. Yuki could never recover from this.
The dream once nurtured by a tormented child as a last lifeline and fulfilled in a girl he had fallen in love with, had been destroyed. Not even a thread remained for him to hold onto. By taking the memory of his dream, he'd taken Yuki's will to live.
OoOoO
Under the darkness of the blankets on top of him, Yuki stared wide-eyed into the blackness, trails of tears shining on face. One thought dominated above all others: He could never be loved. He didn't deserve it. If people accepted him they would only reject him later. Filthy, disgusting rat. Unwanted. Unloved.
There was nothing in this life worth living for.
Please don't hate me… I feel awful for writing something like this. *sob* All the same, what did you think? Please tell me! The review button calls your name and I'm already hitting the refresh button in my email in hope of your feedback. Please review!