Quintessence of My Being
By: Angelus Erreare
A/N: The challenge from KuDu! Well, Nessa-chan, this is it. I hope you like it!
WARNING: ANGST, MILD LANGUAGE
"I'm glad we got to see each other again, Serph…Sera…Serph, I asked you a question back in the Junkyard…I asked you why any of us were alive…Seeing you two together, I think I'm starting to understand. I owe you so much…Thank you."
Argilla looked at Seraph with a bittersweet feeling within her. She smiled acrimoniously at that. How could she even put a definition to her own emotions…?
How can she be sure that what she felt was real?
She shook her head; no. None of that mattered now. Now, all that mattered was that they put an end to all of this; to speak to God…and to find their own destinies.
Huh…
She smiled again.
Maybe that was the reason she felt a bit spiteful as she looked at Seraph…
Serph…and Sera…
They had found their destinies, hadn't they? While she had not.
She couldn't help but sigh at that. She had once believed that she had found her destiny…
'When I was with…Serph.' she thought with a tight and painful feeling within her chest. 'When I had been with him in the Junkyard, I once believed that I have found my purpose for living…and had found my reason for wanting Nirvana.' she thought to herself as she bit her lip, pouring out all of the hurt and pain.
'But with the arrival of the black-haired girl…I guess I was wrong…'
Yes she was. All of the moments that she had shared with her silver-haired lover had proven to be nothing but the sick delusion of a lovesick woman.
'And now, I am back from where I had started…'
'Alone…'
xxxx
She didn't know how long they had traveled but still, she pressed on. Why? Because no matter what happened, she knew that he was in there somewhere; that Serph was within that body…
Argilla peered at it with curiosity…
Although she understood and accepted Seraph's existence, she just couldn't help but still feel a twinge of pain.
'Why did this have to happen…?' she asked herself in anger, 'Why did she have to come to the Junkyard and take him away from me?!'
She knew that it wasn't Sera's fault. She had come to the Junkyard only with the most noblest of intentions…She hadn't meant to hurt anyone…
'I know damn it…!' she screamed internally, her anger suddenly giving way to sadness, 'I guess…I'm just looking for someone to blame…'
She admitted that much to herself at least.
She was just looking for someone to blame. She didn't care on who was right or wrong. All that she knew was that a part of her had been ripped from her.
'Serph…' she thought poignantly.
She then gritted her teeth as she felt her eyes beginning to get watery. She then froze. Watery? Tears…?
She smiled ruefully, 'You've already taken Serph from me. Don't you dare take this ability away from me too.'
Yes. God had already taken him from her. The last thing she needed was to realize that she hadn't the ability to cry…
She wasn't the crying type. But she knew that crying helped ease one's pain. Tears were special…and they were sacred. Jinana had taught her that. She had shed those tears for Serph once before. She had thought that he had died back there at the EGG facility.
What relief and happiness she felt as she realized that they had been reunited when they were en route to the sun…only to be shattered and broken as she realized that Serph's fate and destiny rested not with her…
But with Sera.
At that thought, Argilla couldn't help but let out a strangled cry.
'Stupid…!' she told herself as she continued to sob.
She had been fortunate that Seraph had called for a halt. They had scattered and rested. She had taken it upon herself to wander from the group and find a place where she could be by herself…
"It's not wise for you to wander too far…"
She stiffened as she heard the familiar female voice. Sera. She stiffened as she heard the familiar tone of voice and the pace of the sentence. Serph.
She couldn't help but smile in spite.
God was angry with her, wasn't He?
'To punish me is one thing…' she mentally trailed off, 'But to rub it in my face is a step too far, don't you think?' she asked the divine entity mentally, sarcastically.
"Is something wrong?"
Again, Argilla froze. Drat. She had almost forgotten all about him…! Erm, her.
'Erm…whatever.'
She turned around and was met by the androgynous being, Seraph, who had an unfazed, blank expression on its face.
"Seraph…" she trailed off, before straightening herself, "What? Wrong? Oh no…! There's…nothing wrong. I'm fine." she said with a nod.
"Are we moving out? If so, then let's get going." Argilla said in a pseudo cheerful and hasty fashion, slipping past Seraph.
"We're not done." Seraph spoke as it grabbed the pink-haired woman's wrist in a powerful and firm grip, yanking her back to face it.
Argilla stifled a gasp to escape from her throat as she felt her inertia push her back towards the entity that she loathed…and loved at the same time.
Silver met pink and again, no words had been said.
"S-seraph…" she stammered, clearly quivering as she stared into the silver pools of the being in front of her.
Her heart raced as she looked into those eyes; those eyes that seemed to hypnotize her…seduce her…
She knew that such eyes could belong to only one man.
Serph.
He was still in there, wasn't he…?
Her heart pounded wildly now as she realized that the androgynous being had pulled her closer to it, its arms encircling her petite waist, its eyes never wavering from hers…
"W-what are you doing…?" she whispered, scared and frightened. She was scared at what she was feeling…the feeling of falling in love with Serph all over again. She was frightened at what Seraph was doing…She was confused on the possibility of what would happen next.
Surely she couldn't fall for Seraph. Although Serph was within it, it wasn't Serph. The Serph that she knew was gone. And he wasn't coming back.
Before the woman could react, the being had leaned forward and had crushed its lips towards hers. She tightened her muscles, balled her hands into fists and prepared to struggle against its strong hold as tears streamed down her cheeks.
'Seraph…Why? Why are you doing this to me…?' she asked within painfully.
Wasn't it enough that she had to go on without Serph? Wasn't it enough that she had to live on seeing that Serph was just in front of her yet impossible to be with…? To have him and not possess him…?
The being noted her apprehensive demeanor but paid it no heed as it continued to kiss her fully…arduously.
Argilla then stopped.
'This kiss…it's the way he used to kiss me…' she thought, numbly.
The hands that kept her prisoner then became relaxed and embraced her tightly, letting her feel the warmth that it could only feel for her.
'Serph…Oh Serph…' she thought as she had yielded and had kissed Seraph in return.
No sooner than later did Seraph pull away from the female. Argilla had since closed her eyes and had had them closed still…
She didn't want to open them.
She wanted to live within her dream…her fantasy that it had been Serph who had held her in his arms and who had been the one who had kissed her. Serph and Serph only…
"Argilla."
Her heart skipped at beat.
That was…
That was Serph's voice.
The woman immediately opened her eyes, "Serph…!?" she asked frantically, her pink eyes fixed upon the entity in front of her.
Her heart sank and shattered into a million pieces as she looked at the androgynous being Seraph once more.
It looked at her solemnly…almost sadly.
Argilla opened her mouth to speak and ask it about the voice that she had just heard but before she could do so, it suddenly grabbed her hand, and spoke, "Wait for me…"
"What…?" she asked; surprised. Although she was surprised at the statement, there was a part of her that understood it…and believed it.
"Wait for me…" Seraph repeated, "I'll find you."
And with that, Seraph had let go of her hand and had floated away…
Argilla could only watch Seraph from afar as it continued to hover away from her. It was then when she was finally all alone again did she begin to smile yet again. Serph was alive. He was within Seraph…
His feelings, his consciousness…still lived on.
He had not been lost…
A lone tear escaped from her eyes and trickled down her cheek. She immediately wiped it off and whispered, "I'll wait for you Serph…"
"Even if it takes me many lifetimes, I'll find you too…"
xxxx
"I'm glad you paid attention to the last thing I said. I never wanted you guys to get this close, though...At least you're kind of cute, I guess. Don't worry, Sera. I won't hurt you, anymore."
He didn't really mean to hurt her. He really didn't…Heat closed his eyes. He did it only because he felt strongly about her. But even then, even when he explained to her, she wasn't ready to listen.
Her mind was closed to him. And so was her heart.
'That's because…he stole her from me.' he thought sadly, with a mixture of anger.
But then again, when he really thought about it, did he really…? Did Serph really steal her from him…?
He then remembered how she cried in his arms when he kissed her.
It was then that he understood.
Serph didn't steal her from him; he pushed her into Serph's arms. By hurting her.
And now, redemption for such acts was too late; it was futile.
Heat looked at the new being from afar with his arms crossed as it briefed the Embryon on what to do next.
It sounded just like her…but acted just like him.
Heat laughed sarcastically at that. How ironic was it that he was growing to love the very man that he had been envious of…? He shook his head. He was still in love with Sera; that was true. So, in his perception, did that entail that he was in love with Seraph too…? And if that was true, then, it would mean that he would've to accept Serph as a part of Sera too.
That last part was sickening to him, to be sure…
But then again, if Serph was a part of Sera, then he supposed that he will accept it.
He looked to his left and noticed Argilla staring at the sexless being. He smirked. He wondered if she felt what he did towards Seraph.
'Of course she does.' he laughed to himself, 'Looking at Serph all those times like some rabid fangirl…'
"…"
He suddenly backed away from that. No; that was an unfair thing to think about someone. Especially when he had been on the same boat.
'Then I guess that makes me a rabid and geeky fanboy…' he thought with a shudder.
But all that aside, he recognized Argilla's feelings and likewise, sympathized with her predicament.
It wasn't a crime to fall in love…
Was it…?
'I'm starting to think that maybe it is…'
And why wouldn't he…? When he loved a person with all of his heart, only to have that person taken away…To be taken away by divine hands and made to walk a path in which, neither he nor any mortal, can follow. In his opinion, it would seem that God had deemed his love for Sera as a felony.
He then gritted his teeth in anger, 'So, is He telling me that Sera is for Serph to be with?!' he thundered within, 'Why can't I be with her!?' he asked in mental fury.
He knew that they had had a greater purpose for their existence but Heat couldn't control his primordial feeling either. He knew that what they were doing for the world was phenomenal and divine…But at the same time, he couldn't help but feel the selfish side of himself re-surface.
That selfish side of him that cared neither for what was wrong or right…
That side of him that felt nothing but the primitive urges and acted purely on instinct…
That side of him that needed her…and her alone.
Heat let out a frustrated sigh and ran a hand through his hair before turning around from the group. He didn't want to see Seraph at the moment; for if he continued to do so, he might end up punching it in the face.
And he really didn't want to hurt Sera.
'Not anymore.' he mentally trailed off before sauntering off.
xxxx
"You didn't hurt me Heat."
Heat's eyes widened as he heard the voice. Spinning around, he was met by a smile that was purely Sera's.
Feeling the moment dissipate, Heat looked at Seraph lazily, "What?"
Seraph hovered to him and when it was but a meter away, it stopped and shook its head, "You…never hurt me Heat."
"Please don't go on thinking that you did…" Seraph said with its silver eyes peering into his red ones, pleading for him to believe it.
"I didn't see you for who you really were…and created you for who I thought you were." Seraph said, "If anything, it's I who hurt you…"
Heat's eyes only widened as he listened to the voice of the one he loved most. Was it really Sera that was speaking to him…? Was it Serph? Or was it their collective being?
Seraph seemed to have caught his query and answered, "I answer you as Seraph."
Heat's heart sank at that.
"However, bear in mind that I am as much as Sera as Sera is as much as I." it nodded, "Though I exist through the merging of Serph and Sera's mind and body, I still am Sera and Serph. I differ from them not; yet I am in their likeness not. I am as much as separate from them as they are one with me." it finished, as it clasped its palms together and put them upon its chest.
"As Sera, I tell you Heat…You didn't hurt me. You never did."
Seraph smiled at him and before he could say anything else, it took the last step towards him and placed its gentle palm on Heat's face, feeling each and every contour of his face…starting from the lids of his closed eyes, to his nose, to the soft flesh of lips moving over to each and every bone on his face…
"What are you doing?" Heat asked, whispering, feeling nothing but the blissful sensation of having his beloved touch his face.
"I want to remember you…"
Seraph wanted to memorize his face…So, even when it traveled the endless cosmos, in Nirvana, it could never forget Heat…
'So that I may never forget you; the man who had been an AI, who had turned from raw data to flesh and blood…the man that the woman in me loves and the man I love. I want to remember you Heat…' Seraph thought happily.
Heat moaned in pleasure, in bliss, as he envisioned just Sera and he upon a world wherein beauty, peace and tranquility reigned supreme…
Some place that they could call home…
"Don't forget me Heat…" Seraph said gently.
Heat's heart jumped at that as he felt the raw emotion that laced the androgynous being's words. It was then that he knew that it was indeed Sera who spoke to him.
"Never…" he replied without hesitation, breathing out his word.
When no reply was heard, and when Seraph's hand left his face, he opened his eyes. And when he did, he found that he was alone.
He looked left and right and discovered that Seraph was nowhere to be found. He then smiled, "I'd never forget you Sera. Ever…No matter how many lives I get, no matter how many mistakes I make in this shitty karma cycle, I'd never forget you." he said, smiling.
Now, he can live as many lifetimes as he wanted, never forgetting the black-haired girl…
Now, he can brave those lifetimes…
He can…because now, he knew that she loved him too.
xxxx
"Are you ready?" asked Argilla with a gentle and reassuring smile on her face.
"Let's go Seraph…!"
That was Heat with his smirk in place.
Seraph nodded in their direction. This was it. This was their last battle. The final step in their journey…together.
As Seraph thought of that, an unpleasant feeling had been born from the very depths of its consciousness. As it looked from Argilla's smiling face to Heat's smirk, the feeling became impossible to ignore.
And the more it thought about it, the more it realized…
Its existence had been a divine decree of God. The perfect combination of man and woman…
But what did that really mean?
Seraph blinked. Did that mean that its destiny was with its counterpart? That Sera was to be with Serph and that Serph was to be with Sera…? But if that was true, then what was it really that Serph felt toward Sera and Sera toward Serph…?
'At first…I believed that I was certain…' Seraph thought to itself, 'But now…'
But now, as it stared upon Argilla and Heat's faces, it no longer felt certain.
'What is this feeling…?' it asked itself as the unpleasant sensation began to creep within its system, infecting its nerves, then climbing up its spine, only to rest upon its skull…
After a moment, it smiled in understanding.
It was the man and woman within…
They were protesting, weren't they…?
Seraph then looked above, and wondered upon the myriad of colors that hung above them in that mysterious place that was the sun.
Seraph then placed its hands on its chest, "You two aren't ready…are you…?"
It then turned its back and continued with the same understanding smile on its face, "I shall tell God…He will understand, as I do."
Now, it understood.
Although Sera's and Serph's minds and bodies had been integrated, remnants of their lost feelings, thoughts and emotions still held on, still lingered within the deepest and most obscure of Seraph's consciousness…
And right now, as their Embryon team stood but a few meters away from the chamber of God, now, the distant voices of Serph and Sera that seemed thus far muffled now howled like a storm, a squall, like a hurricane…its sheer fury beyond reproach; fury of being heard and heeded.
"You two…do not need Nirvana, do you…?" Seraph asked.
It then chuckled, "I know…"
Yes. It knew the answer.
"You two need not Nirvana…because you already have it."
"To be with the ones that we love, is Nirvana itself…" Seraph trailed off blissfully, its eyes half-lidded with joy.
Without further thought, Seraph turned again and was met with Argilla's facial expression that no longer held her smile but was now filled with confusion and bemusement, "Seraph, what's wrong?"
"Yea woman. What's taking you so long!?" came Heat's impatient tone.
At hearing that question, Seraph immediately turned to Heat's direction and gave him an unfazed and blank facial expression.
"…"
"Heat…!" that was Argilla, scolding him.
"What…? What did I do now!?" he asked angrily, albeit childishly.
It took a moment or two for him to realize and when he did, his face suddenly turned as red as his face…
"Oh right…" he mumbled, embarrassed. He totally forgot all about Seraph's "condition".
"Sorry about that man…" he quickly said, attempting to mend the damage.
Which made it worse.
Argilla giggled at that.
"Erm…I mean, I…well…whatever!" he ended up bellowing. He then crossed his arms, "Well, if you don't want jokes like that then make up your god damn mind! Are you a freaking guy or girl?!"
The group laughed at that.
Well, it was nice to see that their sense of humor still had to diminish…
But all in all, Seraph was not blind or oblivious. Heat and Argilla laughed, but within those red and pink orbs lay sadness and…bitterness.
When all the laugher had died down, Seraph hovered to where the two stood and looked at each one of them and spoke, "Worry not. You both will too find what you have been seeking…and what you have been dreaming of…"
Without waiting for their responses, the divine being, the being that was the perfect combination of man and woman, pressed on and entered God's chambers…
'Wherever Nirvana may be…For which ever place I may depart to, no matter how many cosmos and endless worlds I may venture and sensations I may experience, I'd continue loving you…Argilla…Heat…' Seraph thought blissfully. And though the final battle before them was overwhelming, Seraph felt only euphoria and bliss as did Serph and Sera within…
Seraph felt only euphoria and bliss within the very quintessence of its being.
xxxx
FIN
A/N: Okay Nessa-chan, I hope you weren't expecting a grand epic or something like that. Heh. Anywho, I'm expecting you to have some questions about this piece and if you do, you know where to find me and I'll explain it to you!
Hope you enjoyed!!
Thanx for the endless support!
And thanx for the infinite amount of priceless inspiration you give me…
Lurve ya!