Disclaimer: I have no relation to Tolkien in any way, shape or form and do not own any ideas of his.
Note: This is a better rewrite of my original LotOR, it has less annoying vocab, and a couple more changes... still short tho :)
The Lord of the Onion Rings
The story begins with four hambits. They were on their way to Glee, a pit stop for travelers of all kinds, with a dreadful burden... a box of onion rings.
"Why can't we eat them?" questioned a famished Pepsin. He stared hungrily at the box marked "RINGS OF ONION" in bold, black and red letters. Little did he and his cousin, Muffen, know that in that box of onion rings lay the one powerful onion ring that could destroy all that lived in notreallyhere earth. Frighto and Salmon shook their heads, realizing that, the large red "X" across the front of the box, and the warning label "DO NOT EAT RINGS OF ONION AS MAY CONTAIN POWERFUL EVILNESS", had not been noticed by their two friends.
At Glee, they paid for a room at the Ranting Monkey. There instead of finding their good wizard friend, Wandalf, they met a man named Hairalgon. Hairalgon was a dirty balding man who didn't look like one to be trusted. Lucky enough, the hambits were gullible and naïve and quickly trusted the man anyways. After only a short rest they set out once again, just missing the nairgulls. The nairgulls as Hairalgon explained were "seagulls that aren't seagulls, which are living, but not really living". This explanation of course caused much confusion amongst the hambits for many, many days.
The group followed Hairalgon across the fallow lands towards the ruins of Nadahop. There Hairalgon gave each of them a tiny colorful water gun for protection and then left for no apparent reason. Frighto was soon asleep, and his loud snores disturbed many rocks above him. Suddenly he woke up, unnerved; he had heard a shrill squawk nearby. He looked around and found himself surrounded by nairgull. One nairgull lay on the ground, knocked out by one of the flying rocks. As they reached with their black beaks for the one powerful onion ring, Frighto screamed a craven cry and flung it at Salmon who bit it. stab, stab The nairgull shrieked piercing screams and stabbed Frighto in the foot (they are quite small) with their sharp talons, trying to delete him from existence, they then flew off screeching wildly.
Frighto acted out a very dramatic death, which the hambits watched closely and clapped for, and then fainted. With the help of Hairalgon, the three hambits and an elf named Aspen, Frighto soon found himself in the lands of Hellrond, called Urgettinadell. After much feasting, drinking, singing, knitting and golfing, he was called to a "secret " council.
At the council, elves, dwarfs, hambits, wizards, humans, faeries, leprechauns, dinosaurs and lemmings, were present. All were quite interested in what powers the one onion ring possessed. As Hellrond walked into the council in a black suit and tie, the mumbles, whispers, squeaks and roars died down and silence prevailed over the group.
"There's an evil onion ring. It's created by our foe Saranwrap. He is a culinary mastermind. It has to be destroyed. Who wants to do it?" Hellrond said rather abruptly as he stared at the crowd from under his dark sunglasses.
"Me." squeaked a random, poorly imitated hambit voice. The others looked around for the source. "I'll do it, me, FRIGHTO, me." cried the voice again, louder, in an even worse imitated hambit voice. The others finally looked at the stunned hambit who was staring back at them, a panicked expression spreading across his face.
"If this is your choice...then... you have my bald head to blind enemies." Hairallgon said waxing his head with a cloth.
"It's not me, I didn't..." Frighto tried to explain.
"And my looks to distract them." Legomyeggo said in an urbane way, clipping his nails.
"...say anything..." Frighto continued, becoming even more alarmed.
"And my beard to trip them." Gimme said roughly, making his beard topple off his head where it had been used as a hat.
"... about volun..."
"And my wand to..." Wandalf said as his wand suddenly burst into a bouquet of flowers and a miniature poodle fell out of his cowboy hat onto the ground with a thud.
"...teering... I'm just a..."
"You aren't leaving with out us!" the three other hambits cried as they ran out, slid into the bushes on the other side of the hall, rolled down the hill and landed in the river.
"HAMBIT!" Frighto finished in a yell.
"You'd have to tie us up in a... something... and let... us.. send us... hmmm..." Muffen said slowly, rather confused at what he was saying. He stood for a moment, water dripping off him, and soon fell silent musing over what exactly he was trying to say.
"I'll go to, as I have nothing else to do." Boromirror sighed as he stared down at his feet.
"I DIDN'T VOLUNTEER FOR ANYTHING!" Frighto screamed as he ran around in a circle in front of the group, trying to get their attention.
"Right. A fellowship of nine. Go now. Destroy the onion ring of power. Have fun." Hellrond mumbled quickly before he sped by the now cart wheeling Frighto and left. The rest of the council watched as his well polished, black shoes turned the corner.
"An onion ring? Where?" Pepsin shrieked, searching madly for it. Salmon took it off the pedestal in the middle of the hall and held it out to him. Everyone gasped as Pepsin grabbed the onion ring as if it was a trivial object and threw it into his mouth. "A bit stale, but still good." he said swallowing it.
To everyone's astonishment that was exactly what was needed to destroy the evil onion ring of Saranwrap and to cause the demise of the mastermind himself. In the distance a bright red light lit up the sky and the smell of burnt onions wafted through the air. A lingering "noooo" was heard from the "evil" end of notreallyhere earth.
Everyone jumped up exhilarated by the easy defeat of evil and soon lived happily ever after. That is, except for Pepsin who on eating the onion ring perpetuated horrible and frequent heartburns and was harassed by stomach aches that would not go away for many hours. For many years, Pepsin served as a warning to many hambits not to eat any onion ring, as it may be evil.
THE ODD AND UNEXPECTED END
(unless you already read it)