As always - a reminder that this is parody. If you ship Tuckson, click away. Click away now.
Olivia opened the door to her apartment to be met with a smiling Tucker.
"Hi Olivia," he said, holding a bottle of wine in each hand. "Look I brought dinner. Merlot for starter then Cabernet for the main course?"
Olivia groaned, it occurred to her that she had never once had a date with Tucker while she was sober. In fact the thought of kissing him actually turned her stomach.
She recalled their recent ''date' in a bar. She was only two glasses in, feeling a buzz but not drunk enough to do anything crazy. He was looking at her in this strange, slightly creepy way, and she knew he expected her to kiss him, but she just wasn't drunk enough to do something so nauseating - so she kissed his hand instead.
She knew it was downright weird. But she couldn't face any further actual bodily contact than that.
And here he was. Standing at her door, ready to ply her with wine again, in the hope that she would do more than an awkward and strange hand kiss.
"I thought we could order out for some solid food tonight." she said, as he came in, closing the door behind him.
"But Olivia" tucker began, sounding disappointed and worried. "its alcohol! You like alcohol!"
Olivia stared at him, trying to work out if the constant plying of her with alcohol was just to get her to sleep with him or something even more creepy than that.
"Did you forget our plans for tonight Olivia? I plan on skipping straight to dessert," he said, causing Olivia to swallow hard, suppressing her urge to vomit.
Olivia looked at him in abject disappointment. She knew she had to have sex with someone, because a woman can't possibly be complete without some male genitalia in her life, but she would need both those bottles he was holding to face such an act.
"Fine," she sighed. "I have to have sex with someone, and you keep offering it, so just let me get a bit more wine in me and i'll do it."
Tucker smiled, he loved their relationship. It was so wonderful. Olivia despised him, but he didn't mind as long as she carried on having sex with him.
He stood awkwardly and impatiently while Olivia knocked back the Merlot in record time.
"Okay Ed. I'm drunk enough to kiss you now."
Tucker stepped closer, looking at her with appreciation
"You're so hot and so intoxicated."
At that moment, thankfully, as I really don't want him getting his hands on Liv, the sound of a baby...a toddler...a small child...um...a rapidly growing grade schooler, interrupted them.
Tucker sighed, "I suppose you better go get him back to sleep."
Olivia looked at him confused. "Get who back to sleep?"
"Noah?" tucker said, still annoyed.
"Oh! I keep forgetting about him!"
Tucker sighed and opened the remaining bottle of wine before leaving her apartment.
He walked down the quiet street. A sad and lonely figure. The gait of a man who had realised that he would not be having sex tonight, because his ''girlfriend' was too sober to face it.
This was, quite honestly, the happiest relationship he had ever been in.
He decided to bring vodka tomorrow.
Short but...to the point. I didn't wanna think about Tucker with Liv, for much more than 500 words. Thanks for reading!