Title: Safe Inside Myself

Description: She never loved; never lived; never took any chances. She did what was asked of her and never thought of herself. All she did was hide the anger and sadness, but it all finally caught up to her.

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or hardly anything really. If I did, I probably wouldn't be living out here in the Pine Barrens, worrying about writing essays and typing up labs and missing the bus every morning at 6:30.

Thoughts

She hadn't wanted to leave, but just about everyone back at the lab made her and so now she lay in her bed, staring up at the ceiling, staring into her thoughts. She shivered, despite the fact that it was eighty degrees out and her windows were open to let in the fresh night air.

Her headphones were on, she listening to the gentle music of "Lthlorien." She'd been doing this for a while; listening to her headphones before she slept. She would sort out her the thoughts and emotions that when she wasn't by herself, she tried to hide. Grissom had let her in on that secret. He told her it would help keep her mind off of work and the cases that they work on. So far, it was working.

Now, she thought about her past; something else she had been trying to hide since she had moved here from San Francisco. She had stopped getting letters from her mother and her father stopped calling to check up on here a year and a half ago. Perhaps it was better that way. Wasn't she allowed any privacy, or did she have to be watched constantly like some little kid? She just needed a break from that and while taking a break from one part of her life, she seemed to be over working another.

Recently, the whole team kept telling her that she looked so tired and that she needed rest. She'd even heard Greg and Nick talking about her. Since when did they care about how she was doing? It didn't make sense. She never really went out of her way to talk to anyone, not really anyway. When she was young and in high school she had always sat by herself and kept her focus on her work. She didn't have any friends; she kept herself from making them, especially after what happened.

Her only friend had died on her. It all flooded back to her now. There they were, walking down the street to the library and there was a man who smiled at them as they passed the trolley stop. He seemed like some friendly guy that you might pass on the street and even wave to even though you didn't know him, but this guy was different. This guy pulled out a gun and shot her friend and then ran. Sara bent down and pulled the body of her friend onto her lap. She rocked back and forth, holding her dying friend in her arms until finally her friend's eyes closed and her chest no longer moved up and down with her each and every breath. Her life was gone. It was then that Sara realized that people were always going to hurt her, no matter if it was the kids at school who laughed at her, or her best friend who died in her arms. She had decided that it wasn't worth getting too close to people. She would just live her life and die; hopefully it wouldn't be that bad.

But, her experiences also made her mad at the world, not just depressed by it. That was why she chose to be a crime scene analyst; to help the world and maybe that would give her something to be happy about. After a while, she learned that no matter where she went, the world was cruel, but she also met people that could make it feel better. That's where she is today; Las Vegas, Nevada, and those people are the rest of the crime lab team. Sometimes they were a pain, sometimes she hated them, but most of the time, she didn't know what she'd do without them.

Finally, her eyelids grew heavy and they fluttered closed. Her headphones shut off at the end of the CD and she drifted off to sleep.

Sweet Lullaby

Her eyes moved swiftly under her eyelids; a dream. Paperwork was everywhere, spilt carelessly over the desk and computer; it was a reckless night. She was all alone in the lab, but she felt that that she was surround; she couldn't take it and so, she fled. It wasn't long before she was one highway 15; her car was the only on the road.

Where was everyone?

Her foot felt heavy on the pedal; the hand of the speedometer was rising steadily. Everything around her was a blur. She had to get away from it all, she had to.

Just keep driving, she said to herself, everything will be back to normal again, just keep driving.

There was something on the road now. Fearing that it was a person, she swerved. Veering off to the right, she totaled her Denali and was lucky to still be alive.

What have I done? I need help. Instinctively, she reached for her cell phone, but that had been smashed in the crashed. She was stuck; helpless.

She realized that she was dying, inside and out and there was nobody there to help her, nobody at all. All she could do was wait until death took her away.

Just a dream, that's all it was. She awoke suddenly and stared into the room, examining the wood trim around the door into the hall and the dresser that was stained a cherry red. She was still there in her apartment and the time was 4:30PM. Time to wake up, but she wished she hadn't woken up like that; with the images from her nightmare still burning in her head. It had frightened her and she knew that something like that could have happened if the police hadn't pulled her over for DUI.

She sat on the edge of the bed and finally showered and dressed for work. Maybe it would be better to get out of the house; to be around the people she knew. And she knew that a cup of coffee would make her feel a hell of a lot better, too.

Reality

The glass door shut behind her and she walked into the locker room; alone. It was early yet and the rest of the team hadn't shown up, besides Grissom. Sara had seen his car in the parking lot, in the same spot where it usual was. After tossing her things into the locker, she went to go file a bit of paper work and see if Grissom had something she could get working on.

As she walked by Grissom's office, Grissom saw her and stood up. For a while, he had noticed that she wasn't acting herself; she was upset about something.

"Hey, Sara, are you okay?" he asked as he rounded the corner and met her in the hallway.

She looked up and saw him standing there in front of her. Why could he read her so well? She couldn't tell him anything, she didn't want him to be worried about her. "Yeah," she started, "I'm fine."

"No, you're not." He replied, startling Sara with his response, "You know, you don't lie very well. Now, will you tell me what's wrong?"

"I've just been thinking," her eyes turned towards the ground, "Just about my past; family and friends. And I don't know." Her eyes turned back up to his, as if asking if he had a response.

And he did, "Well, you know that you don't have to hide what's bothering you. I care about you, all of us care about you. You know that, right?" She bit her lip and shook her head. "Alright, well, I have some paperwork to file and as soon as the rest of the team gets here, we can actually start our shift and get to work."

"Alright, I'm going to go get some coffee and work on some stuff." She looked at him once more and then went off down the hall.

He cared about her, why would he care about her? She asked herself. But that was a stupid question to ask. He cared about all of them; they were his team, his family. She now saw that he didn't care about her more than the others; it was just part of the job to keep everyone safe.

Sighing, she sat poured herself a cup of coffee and picked up the daily newspaper. There wasn't anything interesting; an article about some local sports team, some recipes for the summer, tips to keep your lawn looking healthy. Although some people might actually pay fifty cents to read this type of thing, Sara was not very amused. Luckily, the rest of the team arrived shortly and she would soon have something to work on.

"Hey Sara," Catherine walked into the room and set down some stuff, "Been here very long?"

"Just long enough to make grab a cup of coffee and take a look at the paper."

"And talk to Grissom…"

"How do you know?"

"I asked him if you were here and he gave me that look."

"Oh." She turned her eyes away from Catherine's, which were searching deep inside her to find the answer to her unasked question.

"I'm not going to make you tell me what's wrong, that's up to you," Catherine stated simply.

"Not right now, I just need to sort out some stuff. It's just…maybe later." She left the room, not knowing where she could go. If Catherine knew something was bothering her, then she would tell the rest of the team and they'd probably try to cheer her up all day.

She passed Grissom's office again and stopped. She had a feeling that he was the only person that could make her feel better. Turning around, she walked in and sat down by his desk.

"What's up?" he asked, not looking up from whatever he was doing.

She didn't say anything for a while, just sat there and tried to figure it out before she said anything, but nothing made sense.

Grissom looked up to see her staring blankly at a wall and turned back to his work.

"I'm not sure." That was what she found herself saying, but she knew quite well what was wrong. It had to do with everything that had happened since she came to Las Vegas and everything from her past; it was all just hitting her now.

"Everything," she said now, though not sure if Grissom would know what she meant.

"How many vacation days do you have?"

"A few weeks, but I can't."

"I think you should."

"Being by myself wouldn't make anything better; I didn't even feel right being by myself in my apartment this morning."

"Well, would it make you feel better if you and I go for dinner later after shift and we could just talk or something?

"That'd be nice."

"Well, seeing as the Nick and Warrick just arrived, I'd say we'd better get to work then.

Sara smiled and felt a lot better. She was glad he suggested getting something to eat later; she probably wouldn't go home later anyway. She needed to be around someone; if she let herself think about everything in her life; she would start getting depressed and end up getting drunk or worse. She didn't need another DUI.