Neverland
16-9-2012
As I run towards the train tracks to catch my train, I suddenly feel an Inching pain in my knees, shooting all the way up to my shoulders. I try to keep running but my body just does not allow me to, I always run wherever I go, because I love the feeling of freedom it gives me, but I have never felt anything like this before.
Within seconds my sight is covered with black spots and the last thing I hear before everything turns black, is an unfamiliar, but comforting voice saying "hang in there Ruth, You're going to be fine" It turned out to be the biggest lie I ever heard.
When I wake up I am in an unfamiliar room and my sight is, once again, covered with black spots. After I blink a few times the black spots disappear and I realize I am in the ICU. All around me are machines with wavy lines moving on their screens, and then there are these horrible freaking annoying bleeps. Every three seconds I hear a very loud bleep followed by a cracking zoom, probably confirming I am still alive or something. When I try to move I realize I'm attached to all kind of wires and I'm about to panic again so before I get the chance to panic I push the red button on the remote control hanging in front of me. Within seconds, a nurse is in my room.
This was the last not-knowing-I-am-dying-day of my life.
6-1-2013
It is been around two and a half months since I got the diagnose. 3 days ago, I went to the hospital for another scan and the thing lighted up as the Eifel tower. The cancer is now in my arms, legs, longs and stomach. The last couple of months, there hasn't been a day where I didn't hear my parents crying.
I lay in my gigantic waterbed (apparently, my dad believes that a lot of luxury furniture heals cancer or something…), I plug my earphones into my phone and turn the volume up to 100%. I close my eyes and dream about how it would be if I could fly, I dream about a beautiful place with lots of flowers and trees and gorgeous creatures with big beautiful wings flying through the dark sky, filled with thousands of bright stars. When a little elf walks toward me and hands me over a pair of wings, I attach them to my back. With the beautiful, big wings on my back, I try to fly towards that amazing sky. Right before I am about to rise up, I wake up because someone is saying my name repeatedly and then I hear the loud sound of sirens. "RUTH, RUTH STAY WITH US" I hear again. When I slowly open my eyes, I realize I am in an ambulance.
A young, blond, female paramedic leans over me doing something with the machine on my left. I see my parents crying and holding hands on my right. My mom takes my hand and keeps telling me its goanna be okay. I get a sort of a vague flashback of the last time I was in an ambu and someone told me I was going to be fine. When I feel the vehicle coming to a stop the doors of the ambu fly open and I feel the brancard on which I'm laying being driven out of it.
I try to keep my parents In sight but when a what I think is an doctor puts an needle in my arm and I feel the whatever is in it, slide into my body, everything turns black and I dream about that beautiful place again. I see the fields of flowers and the gorgeous creatures but can't find anyone who is willing to give me a pair of wings.
When I wake up I'm in the ICU. I hear the beep and the zoom and see my parents on the hallway. I press the red button in front of me and a nurse walks in. I feel an inching pain in my right feet and when I look down I see it's gone. My leg is gone. In panic I ask her what happened and she calmly explains to me that they had to amputate it because the cancer was getting to aggressive. She keeps talking using some hospital terms I don't understand and all I can think about is running away. I want to run away to the fields filled with flowers, to the amazingly beautiful creatures, to the elves with their gorgeous wings. But I cant. I will never run again. Or maybe not even walk.
A few minutes after I imagined what it would be like to live there, in my daydream-landscape, my parents walk in. They sit next to me and, once again, cry. "It's okay" I say," I'm fine." "no you're not", my father says, "you almost died" ads my mother. I think about it for a second and I realize I can barely remember a thing of what happened. I nod and I say "I'm sorry" "no" my father says, "why would you be sorry?" "This is not your fault," my mother says. I nod again and ask for my earphones. When I plug them in my phone, I turn the volume back on to 100% and listen to some relaxing violin music. Before I know it, I am back in the flower fields.
9-1-2013
When I wake up, I see my father in the corner of my hospital room packing my back. I don't understand why they're letting me go already, I haven't even been out of bed since they took my leg three days ago. When I ask my dad about it, he explains to me that I am being transferred to a special clinic, to revalidate. I nod and then all of sudden burst out. I can't control it anymore and before I know it I just lay there on my bed crying and screaming and slamming my hands around hitting a cup of water. I see the water falling of the nightstand, forming a stream on the floor. My dad leans over me and holds me towards its chest. He holds me there, in his strong arms, and I don't know which one of us is being comforted by it more but what I do know is that I do not want him to leave. Ever.
After laying in my bed, listening to my music and daydreaming about that amazing landscape, talking to elves and trying to fly but not succeeding, for another three hours or so, my mom walks in and kisses my forehead. Felicia, a nurse, walks in, unlocks my bed, and asks, "Ready?" "Yeah" I answer, "let's go". My mom and Felicia push the bed together towards the elevator, when where getting close, I see that there is no up button but only a down, I look around and realize where on the highest level. I know I am in the mercy hospital of Chicago, and I know that it has 12 floors, so right before Felicia wants to press the elevator button; I scream, "wait!" They both stop immediately and my mom asks me if I'm okay, Felicia asks me if I forgot something and I say "no, no I'm fine, it's just… is there a window around here? I want to see the view. My mom and Felicia both sound relieved, Felicia points towards a corner at my left, and they turn the bed around and drive it towards a gigantic window. When I look outside, I have a view over the entire city. It is beautiful in its own way. From the modern buildings to the poor, lacking villages in the outside of Chicago. It will never be as pretty as my own dreamland, with the colorful flower fields and the flying elves with their beautiful wings, but it is gorgeous in its own ways, with its own flaws and its own, perfect imperfections. And it is real.
When I nod and say "I'm ready" Mom and Felicia drive the bed to the elevator and we sink the 12 floors down. When we get out of the elevator, my dad is waiting with a wheelchair. This will be the first time for me to get out of bed with only one and a halve leg, and for some reason I am really, really, scared. Felicia and my dad help me get out of bed into the wheelchair while my mom supports the wheelchair so it won't slip. I let myself fall a few inches and close my eyes. When my body softly hits the soft fabric of the chair, I feel released it's over. Felicia places my stub, which goes from my thigh to a little above my knee, on the little support made out of foam covered with black fabric, attached to the wheelchair. I feel an inching pain going through my right feet when she does it but when I open my eyes, and realize that feet doesn't exist anymore, I try to relax myself, by taking deep, slow breaths.
When I'm settled in the wheelchair, My dad drives me towards a minivan, parked right in front of the hospital doors. As he lets the chairlift sink, I just sit there, in that awful, life ruining, fucking horrible, chair, and I cry. I cry because I know I will never be able to go somewhere on my own again. I cry because I know that I will never be feeling that feeling of freedom, running used to give to me. Never.
I say goodbye to Felicia and my dad pushes me in my chair onto the lift. When I am In the back of the van, he attaches some ropes and cables to my wheels so I won't slip. My mom sits right in front of me and my dad drives. When I cannot see the hospital anymore as I look back, I ask them where the revalidating center is "it's on the other site of the city" my dad answers, "How long do I have to stay there?" I ask, "I don't know sweetie" my mom says, "it depends on how long it takes you to be able to do the simple things on your own again."
After about 25 silent minutes, hearing only the sound of the motor, we arrive at the ARCC, Angels Revalidating Centre Chicago. The 7 leveled building is gigantic and looks like a luxe hotel. When my dad is done taking my bags out of the van, he drives me out and wants to take the wheelchair but I ask him if I can drive myself. "Sure" he says. I put my hands on the wheels and slowly start rolling. It goes a lot easier as I thought and when I reach the doors of the building, they open automatically. I go inside and wait behind my mother when my dad is busy talking to a woman at the giant desk in the middle of the hall. When he is done, he walks back toward us with a key in his hand. My dad carries my two bags and I hold my purse on my lap while my mom drives me toward the elevator. My room is on the second floor, which I was kind of disappointed about, because the ARCC lays next to a huge forest, so the view would have been so much better from the seventh floor, which is the highest one. When I arrive at room number 68, my dad uses the key to open my door. As I walk in, the first thing I see is a hospital bed standing next to the window. In front of the bed is a giant television and right next to it a small desk. The door on my left leads us to a small bad room with many adaptions in it. For example, there is a sort of chair in the shower, and my sink is much lower than normal sinks so I can reach it while sitting in the wheelchair, the toilet is also lower than usual. In my bed/living room there is a comfortable chair covered with brown fabric and many buttons on the armrest. I let myself sink into the chair with my dad's help, and press one button, causing a feet rest to rise up. I let my one feet rest and press another button causing the back of the chair to lean back a little. After pressing a few more buttons, I finally sit comfortable and my parents are almost done sorting out my clothes and laying them in sets on the racks next to the desk. I thank them and ask them if I can watch television. My dad turns on the television, and I watch a movie about a young women who falls in love with a very handsome boy who *spoiler alert* appears to be her neighbor boy and best friend from before she was kidnapped by what she all her life taught was her foster mother. The hot guy is about to explain the whole situation to the girl as my dad presses pause and asks me if I want to eat something. I nod and my dad walks downstairs towards the cafeteria to get us some dinner while my mom and I continue the movie. After a Little while, My dad walks back in with MacDonald's and says "the food in the cafeteria downstairs sucks… there's an MacDonald's right on the corner so I thought this was a better idea". I laugh a little and after eating my hamburger and French fries, a nurse walks in to change the bandage on my stub and helps me get into my bed. When I finally lay comfortable, my parents give me a kiss and say me goodnight and then they leave. I am back in my dream world, talking to elves and running, and watching those beautiful creatures fly, wondering what It would be like if I could fly as well, not long after that.
1-2-2013
I am in her now for three weeks and literally have not done one thing I actually like to do. It is the same schedule every day,
9:00 a nurse walks in to get me out of bed and shower and dress up and after I am ready, she gets me into my wheelchair.
9:30 I have breakfast downstairs in the cafeteria together with some nurses who all try to cheer me up.
10:00 fysio
10:45 I take a nap
11:50 I watch a movie or read something
12: 50 lunch downstairs with the same cheernurses (I don't know why but I just started calling all the let's-try-to-cheer-her-up nurses cheernurses and all the fair nurses who understand it sucks so who try to just do their jobs and leave me further alone are called thank-god-you-exist-nurses. Apparently, the first specie has a way bigger population.)
13: 15 my parents walk in and we watch a movie together
15: 00 I have to do some horrible exercises with this psycho-doc, while my parents talk with another doc to talk about how it's going.
17: 00 dinner with my parents on my room, the usually bring food my mom cooked.
18:30 my parents go home and I make some schoolwork
19:45 a nurse walks in to make me night ready
20:00 I watch some television while lying in bed.
20:30 I close my eyes, turn down the lights and go to my dreamland.
I sit in my comfort chair while daydreaming about dreamland when I watch the clock and see its 13:15 I turn on the television and pretend I am in the middle of a show about brides fitting on wedding dresses, as my parents walk in. They give me a hug and ask me if I want something to drink. I nod and as my father walks to the shared living room on the corner of my room to get us a can of lemonade, my mother takes the remote control out of my hand and turns the television off. "Hey, I was following that!" I say, "listen" she says, "it is time you go and do something with your life, all you've done for the last three weeks is watch television and read books" "I've also been doing my homework" I say, "you know they organize lots of activities for children your age in her" she says. "Well, maybe I just don't feel like playing wheelchair basketball or talking about my feelings in a circle of candles with other dying kids" I say frustrated. "RUTH!" she says, "don't say that! you know this is hard for your father and me as well! We only want what's best for you and that's for you to take out of this life what you can!" "Well, maybe I don't want that, maybe I just want to die so all of this can be over!" my mom starts crying and shocking and I've never seen her like this before. "I, I, I'm sorry" I say. She nods and walks away to the hallway, to talk to my father, who was waiting outside. I try not to listen to their conversation about me and about how much she hates herself for what she just said to me so I plug in my earphones and turn on the volume as I feel my tears burning into my cheeks. After about five minutes, my parents walk in and hug me.
That afternoon, after my parents left, instead of my usual making my schoolwork and watching television, I ask a nurse to help me get out of bed and against my will I take the elevator downstairs towards the I-can-live-without-limbs meeting for kids between 15 & 18 years old. I drive myself towards the room where the meeting is given and like any other door in this building, the door of the room opens automatically. I drive my wheelchair towards an open spot in the circle of chairs and wheelchairs. There's an red circle of fabric in the middle of the circle and all around me boys and girls, missing arms, legs, hands or feet's, walk/drive in and take place in the circle. There is a blond boy sitting right in front of me, I am not sure why he is here because he walked in on both his feet and he still has both arms and hands. He stares at me for a little while and when he realizes I am starring back he looks down to his feet's. The boy is tall and good muscled and has amazingly beautiful brown eyes. When there are about 18 kids in the circle a middle aged man steps in and stands on the red circle in the middle. "My name is Richard and I have been leading this meeting for three years now, for those who are here for the first time, we normally begin with introducing ourselves and then telling each other if we made progress with our medical condition since the last meeting. Then we stand her on this red dot one by one and tell the rest of the group a story or something what happened in our lives what gave us hope. We end the meeting with a special ritual which u will see later. Madeline would u like to start with introducing yourself?" a young blond girl a few seats away from me on my left stands and says, "Hi, my name is Madeline and I'm 15 years old. 2 weeks ago, I lost my left arm in a car accident and that really, really sucks." Madeline sits down again and when I look at her left arm, I see that it ends right above her elbow. After Madeline, a few other kids introduce themselves but I don't really pay attention because all I can think about is the boy sitting in front of me, staring at me again. When I see everyone is looking at me, I hear Richard say "Ruth can you introduce yourself please? I clear my throat and say, "uhhm hello, my name is Ruth I'm 16 years old, I turn 17 next week and my cancer took my leg a few weeks ago. " "Thank you Ruth," Richard says. After me, a few more kids introduce themselves. Including Sandra, a 16 year old girl who lost her arm and a halve leg because of cancer. If there would be a competition for using the word "fucking" in a sentence as much times as possible, Sandra would definitely win. My attention drops of again but then the blond boy stands up and says, "Hello, my name is Miles, I'm 17 years old, and I lost my feet while saving my little sisters life. No I'm not a hero because I was also the one who put my sister in the situation from which she had to be saved." "Thank you for your honesty" Richard says. After everyone introduced themselves Madeline, who was first to introduce herself, steps into the red circle and tells a story about how right after she lost her arm her 4 year old brother came to her and told her she could have his. After Madeline, Chloe, a 18 year old girl with no arms steps in and talks about how horse driving gives her hope. The next to drive in is Josh, a one legged guy who gets hope out of the fact that his boyfriend calls him the most beautiful flamingo in the world. After Josh, it is my turn to drive into the circle but I have no idea what to say. When I just sit there the first thing that comes into my mind is my dreamland but it just feels to private to tell, so I tell them a lame story about the waterbed my dad bought after my diagnose. A few more people share their hope stories and then Miles steps in. "I get my hope out of the fact that my parents still love and support me even after all that I've done." I think about it a little while and decide I'd rather not think about what he could have done that was enough for him to think that his own parents might stop loving him. After everyone shared a story, we all sit in the circle again and take each other's hands while repeating Richards's words, " I might have less limbs as other persons, I am still as valuable and can still be as beautiful as other persons" everyone says at once.
When the meeting is over I want to go to my room right away but before I get the chance Miles stands in front of me and says, "Hey, you're new ha? Me and some friends I made in her, are goanna sneak out, and buy some ice cream at McDonalds, Want to come?" I think about it for a second and want to say no but then I think about the fact that I haven't been outside for three weeks so is say "yeah sure, why not?"
So after, we meet Jacob & Sandra outside, Jacob, who sits in a wheelchair, and I drive ourselves and Sandra and Miles walk towards the MacDonald's. I order a McFlurry and we sit down on a table on the roof of the building. It is only two levels high but still the view is beautiful. I sink away in my own taught a little as miles suddenly says my name. "So Ruth, what's your real hope-story?" he asks, "hm?" I say, "What do you mean?" "Well" he says, "nobody tells his or hers real hope-story during their first session, and I'm sure your hope-story is a little more interesting than a waterbed." "Your right," I say "but why would I share my story with you?" "Well, maybe because I'm the only one willing to truly listen to your story?" he says with a sort of arrogant but at the same time charming tone. "Well" I say, "maybe I just want to tell my story to Sandra, I'm sure she wants to hear it as well" I say with the same tone. When I look to my right, I see that Jacob and Sandra are just one mixture of lips and bones and muscles and Jacob is literally licking Sandra's neck. "Never mind," I say. Miles grins a little and then I realize there is literally no reason why I would not tell him. I am probably just going to be dead in a few months anyway and it is not like anyone ells is listening, so I decide too just tell him. I tell him about my dreamland, I tell him about the elves, and I tell him about the wings. When I am done talking he looks at me with, I don't know, a mysterious look and then says "like Neverland?" "Neverland?" I say, not knowing what he's talking about, "yeah, Neverland" he says, smiling "you know from the peter pan book? "No, no I don't know what you're talking about" I say, grinning a little because he looks at me as if I'm crazy. "Ruth, you're not going to tell me that you have never heard of peter pan, or Neverland," he says "no, no I've not" I say, laughing "are you kidding me?" "No, I, I'm sorry" I say." "Let's go," he says. "What?" I say, but before I know it he stands up and walks back towards the ARCC. I follow him and we leave Jacob and Sandra, who are still eating each other, behind.
When we reach the elevators the doors fly open and miles drives me in. he presses the button of the seventh floor and I get kind of disappointed by the fact that it is already dark outside because I would have loved the view if it wasn't. When we reach the 7th floor we walk out and we reach a large hallway with the same red carpet as is on my floor. (ps. I am just goanna say "walk" because It's getting really annoying to keep saying walk/drive.) Miles opens room number 768 with his key and we "walk" in. His room looks about the same as mine except for the big shelf with books above his bed. I wish I had a bookshelf as well because I have to keep all of my books beneath my bed, where they get all dusty and stuff. Miles reaches out to the shelf and takes of a book. The title says peter pan. He sits on his bed and starts reading the first page.