Title: Everybody Hurts (Sometimes)
Author: Kaori Knight Yuy
Parings: 1x2, 1+2, 3x4
Warnings: Angst, depression, suicide, Dr. J bashing, tiny bit of sap
Setting: After the war
Disclaimer: As everybody knows, none of us
own the g-boys. We only borrow them for fun.
*Evil smirks from all the fic-writers*
Just a heads-up, I don't usually write angst stuff.
I normally find that when I'm happy, I can write the
most depressing stuff. But when I'm sad, I can only
write happy things. I'm really twisted, I know. Go fig.
Anyways, Feed back is needed like chocolate is to the
survival of the human race. so FEEEED MEEEEE!
~* Everybody Hurts (Sometimes) *~
"Dear Diary, AC 196- 8AM Earth time
Well, its the start of another day. Another day of silent torment. Another day of hiding from the truth: That I can't bring myself to tell Duo that I love him. Every time he tries to get close to me, I seem to just push him away, even by physically hitting him. Its as though I'm afraid of physical contact."
Heero paused and loo
ked down at the last sentence he had just written. Morning sunlight filtered down through the trees surrounding the house he was staying in, curtesy of Quatre. Outside his open window, a lark suddenly burst worth into song, merrily welcoming the new day with all its little heart. Heero glanced up at the little creature which was perched on a branch by his window. His hard expression softened slightly as he watched the bird twittering away on its branch. Amazing, he thought to himself as he turned back to his paper. Amazing that I survived the war to be serenaded by a bird. He lifted his hand, the pen contacted with the paper, and a smooth stream of words followed.
"I don't know if there's any one to blame for my not being able to love. Maybe its J, the evil bastard. Maybe its the war. Or maybe its myself. Maybe I don't know how to love, how it feels to be loved. And maybe I can't accept that some one would want to love me."
~* When the day is long and the night, the night is your's alone
When your sure you
ve had enough of life, well, hang on
Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everbody hurts sometimes*~
"You know, Diary, sometimes I feel like I can't go on. Like life is just pushing me towards this cliff, this fine line of life and death. Its like its asking me to choose one or the other. But how can I? How can I reasonably make that choice? I mean, I don't know if I WANT to live. But I don't know if I want to die, either. Maybe I'm just really fucked up. God help me."
Heero layed his pen down and closed his diary, putting it into a drawer of his desk. He rose from his chair and walked out of his room into the torment he knew awaited him.
~*Sometimes everything is wrong, now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, hold on, hold on*~
"Good morning, Heero!" Quatre chirped cheerfully at him. Heero nodded in reply. Trowa nodded as did Wufei, but Duo sat hunched over in his chair, brooding over a cup of coffee. Heero's eyes narrowed as he made himself breakfast. Quatre looked slightly u
ncomfortable before he turned back to Trowa to continue their conversation. Heero took his place by Duo who ignored him.
"Heero?" It was Quatre.
"Yes."
"Uhm.. is there anything you want to do today? The rest of us were going to go into town to pick up some supplies for the Gundams and the house. Do you want to come?" Quatre looked hopefully at him.
"I have business to take care of, so I won't be coming with you" he announced and returned to his breakfast.
"Oh.. Alright. Well, are we ready?" Nods from everybody but Duo and Heero followed. "Duo? You aren't coming with us?" asked Quatre.
"No." The sullen, dull manner in which he spoke startled them all.
"Duo.." Quatre ventured, "Is there something wrong?" Duo turned haunted, dull eyes at him and Quatre caught his breath. I KNEW something was wrong with him!
"No, nothing is wrong," Duo answered and rose with out another word. His braid swished behind him as he left the room. The remaining boys stared at each other mingled looks of worry, fear, and d
oubt etched onto their faces.
"If something isn't wrong with him," Wufei stated "I'll eat Nataku." Heero frowned slightly and continued with his breakfast. Quatre was holding Trowa's hand and looking pale with worry. Finally he couldn't take it any more.
"I'm going to go after him," he stated as he rose and departed the room.
~*`*`*~
"Duo? Duo?" Quatre knocked on Duo's bedroom door.
"Come in," a quiet voice answered him. Quatre pushed open the door and closed it behind him. Duo's room was like it always had been: Messy to the last. But there were additions to the room that made Quatre uncomfortable. Black drapes were hanging in front of the windows, allowing only a tiny sliver of light to escape from a crack in the center. Duo also had black coverlets and covers on his bed, which was unmade. Quatre waited for his eyes to get used to the sudden darkness before he made out Duo's figure sitting by the windows directly in front of him. He was staring out the tiny sliver of window and was watching the cars
pass down below. Quatre ventured a few steps into the room, hands clasped at the small of his back.
"Er.. Duo? Is something wrong?" Duo looked over at him, his head tilted quizically.
"How well do you know your Roman history, Quat?" Quatre frowned.
"Well enough to know all of the Caesar's by heart," he answered, puzzled.
"Do you know the story of a Roman sentator who was hiding in a closet?" [1]
"Ah.. no, I don't believe so. Tell me." Duo eyed him.
"Its a little known story, but once there was a riot in Rome over the killing of a beloved public icon. This Roman senator, his wife, and his daughter were hiding in a closet of their house because the mob raged outside. They each had a knife with which they intended to slit their wrists of they were discovered. [2] This story sounds like my life." Duo arched an eyebrow and turned back to his car gazing. Quatre was silent for a time.
"So what happened?" Duo turned back.
"Oh, they were rescued by some one, I can't remember who, but some one who was safe.
"Ah.. So why does this pertain to you?" Duo turned back to him.
"Because I'm like the family. Hiding in fear, waiting.. waiting.."
Quatre became slightly exasperated. "Waiting for what, Duo? What are you waiting for?" Duo smiled bitterly.
"A ray of hope, Quat. A ray of hope."
~* If you feel like letting go, hold on
When you think you've had too much of this life, well, hang on*~
"What are we going to do with him?" asked Quatre. He had assembled the rest of the team, minus Duo who was asleep upstairs.
"He hasn't been eating right.." mused Wufei, his chin in his hands.
"Heero?"
"Hn?"
"Heero, Duo is in trouble. Aren't you in the least bit concerned?" Trowa's gentle voice questioned. Heero looked over at his team mate. His expression clouded over for a moment as though he were in deep thought. Then, just as suddenly as it had come, the expression vanished.
"Hai, but I think its nothing to worry about. Probably misses the war." Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei stared at him. Heero crossed his arms and c
losed his eyes. They wouldn't understand. Quatre shivered suddenly.
"Heero..." he said plaintively, "Heero.. he needs you. You have to help him. He won't listen to any of us but you." Heero's eyes flew open.
"What are you talking about?" he snapped.
"..He's looking for a ray of hope, Heero.."
~* Everybody hurts, take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts, don't throw your hand, oh no, don't throw your hand *~
"Dear Diary, AC 196- 6:30 Earth Time
My life feels like its coming apart at the seames. Duo has now secluded himself in his room, and the only way he eats is if one of us takes his food to him. Quatre is at his wits end, Wufei is angry at Duo, and Trowa seems troubled as well. As for me, I'm just lost. I don't know what to think at this point. How can I show my affections for some one who probably won't return them? And if I were to tell him and he were to reject me, what then? How do I go on living, knowing that the only person I love has rejected me?"
Heero closed his journal with a snap
. It was evening outside his bedroom window and bitterly cold. The colors of the sunset were splashed against the sky in angry red, oranges, and pinks. Heero watched the colors slowly fade from the sky. I have to tell him.
He rose from his chair and exited the room. Down the hallway and to the left. Duo's room. He lifted his hand and knocked twice. There was silence for a moment before a quiet voice bid him enter. Heero pushed the door open and stopped. Just as Quatre had told him in private, the entire room was black, right down to the coverlets and the bed. Duo's only window was open, as were the curtins, and a stiff breeze was blowing. Duo sat by the window, letting the breeze ruffle his hair and clothing. He looked gaunt and pale, and his clothes hung off his limbs as if they were too big for him.
"Duo..." Duo looked at him and smiled bitterly.
"Heero."
~*If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, your not alone*~
"Duo... What happened?" Heero stepped in the room and closed the door behind himself
.
"What happened to me, Heero?" Duo's voice was filled with bitterness. "What happened to me is that I lost myself, somewhere down the line. And I realized, somewhere down the line, that there was no point in hiding behind a mask. Why should I hide? To make everyone feel better? Well what about me? How can I feel better if I try to make everybody else feel better? How can I, Heero?"
Heero stood, stunned, in the middle of Duo's room.
"I..I didn't know.." he mumbled. Duo waved a thing hand at him.
"How could you? You're always the Perfect Soldier. You don't have to worry about things like this. Why should you? It would be.. imperfect."
"You don't know, Duo. You have no idea what its like to be the Perfect Soldier. To be expected to obey orders without question, to be forced to feel nothing.. How could you know?" Duo was watching him, an unreadable expression on his face. "Odin Lowe once told me something: Live by your feelings.' I tried, I really did, but it was stamped out of me by Dr. J. He told me
emotions weren't necessary and that they were a hinderance. He told me to get rid of them. But how can I?" Heero's voice dropped to a whisper. "How can I love?"
~*If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on,
Well, everybody hurts, sometimes*~
There was silence in the room. Then Duo rose him his seat by the window and walked over to Heero. He gazed at the mop of messy brown hair on Heero's bowed head, before gently lifting his chin. Prussian met violet and Duo smiled for the first time in months.
"Its ok, Heero. Everybody hurts sometimes. It just looks like its your time, at the moment. But don't worry; soon it'll all be over. It just takes time." With that, he wrapped his arms around Heero and held him close. "It'll all be over soon," he whispered. Heero sighed softly against Duo's chest. It'll all be over soon, but will it really?"
~*Everybody cries, and everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes, so hold on, h
old on*~
"Heero! Heero! HEERO!!"
Heero sat up in bed, eyes wide. Something was wrong. Very, very wrong. He bolted out of his bed and dashed out his room. Quatre was sobbing against Trowa's chest and Wufei was yelling frantically for Heero.
"What?! What is it?" Heero asked. Wufei stopped yelling and just stared at him.
"Heero.. I'm so sorry.." he whispered. Heero looked frantically around at his team mates.
"What? What's wrong? What happened?!" he yelled. A hand gripped his arm. Quatre looked up at
him through misty eyes.
"Heero.. Its Duo.." he whispered. Heero stared at him.
"No.. oh no.." Quatre nodded, tears falling down his cheeks. Heero stared down the hallway. It can't be! No, Duo! He stopped suddenly in front of Duo's door. Hurridly he opened the door and stopped short.
"Oh my god.."
~*Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on...
Everybody hurts, you are not alone*~
~Owari~
So? Is it ok? Its my first angst fic that I actually completed! Please, please let me know. If you usually just read a fic and think "Oh, that was good. I should tell the author" but never get around to it, try it once. It'll make a difference. Thanks for reading! Ja.
Kaori Knight Yuy
----------------
To measure a leader, put a tape around his heart, not his head