Based on: riversdivided .tumblr .com/post/9500866840/the-pain-is-almost-unbearable (CREDIT: RIVERSDIVIDED .TUMBLR .COM)
and Cosmic Love by Florence + The Machine playing in the background on repeat as my muse.
Naruto will never give up on Sasuke.
The entire village knew this, that for reasons unknown and unspoken, Naruto and Sasuke's paths lied within each other - that the two young shinobi were meant to rival each other for life, in one way or another. Everyone had their own explanations and interpretations, never daring to ask for the actual logic behind Naruto's decisions to never let his former comrade go - and most doubted there even was a voice of reason for his actions.
There was.
●•●
Sometimes Naruto himself would forget - he would be so tired, restless from the knowledge that his rival will always be one step ahead of him, exhausted from chasing someone who didn't want to be caught. Sometimes he would consider giving in, listening to his friends when they asked him to just let it be, to let Sasuke go. But even in those long, cold nights when he would listen to Sakura sob and sob, helpless in their race, he knew it would never be that simple. Naruto figured that out the very night Sasuke tried to leave, and when they fought, when he realized this was real, this was true and not just a stale joke, he knew he would never move on without Sasuke.
Sasuke wanted to sever the bond they had left, wanted to tear away from Konoha and from Naruto, and it hurt to know that, but it only drove Naruto wilder; only made him want to push harder to prove himself to Sasuke.
Truth was, Naruto always wanted to please Sasuke. Even after Sasuke was gone, Naruto often had no other goal: Sasuke was his muse, and even in his absence, the memory of Sasuke's dark, thick locks against his pale skin and red bleeding eyes, filled with anger and hatred and need, made Naruto want to try harder. He would keep that image in his mind, so well memorized because Naruto would refuse - absolutely refuse - to let Sasuke fade away.
●•●
One time, they met at the valley. Naruto was heading back home from a small mission feeling heavy but accomplished, and he'd stopped at a riverside to have a big gulp of fresh clear water, relishing in the feel of it dripping down his chin, cool against the summer heat.
There was a little breeze and a soft rustle behind him and he made to turn but stopped, blinking down at the river. He could see his own tan self, his hair as disheveled as ever and his whiskers as wild as always, and then, beside him, pale, graceful features and red, smirking lips.
The silence wasn't unfamiliar - in fact, it felt almost comfortable. Naruto found himself lost in their glassy reflection, lost in the colours they seemed to lure into the white-blue of the stream. He studied the image, and he realized that they were one.
The water flowed, lazy as ever, but healthy and strong and he saw himself blending in with Sasuke, their echo contrasting but meshing perfectly. They were together in the most beautiful way - each visible and recognizable as their own, but so close and so right. Naruto's eyes were blue as Sasuke's lips were red, and the colours reminded Naruto of cherry blossoms and spring.
A year later, spring came. The world was a burst of green and yellow and blue, along with the occasional reds and pinks and purples of blooming wildlife. It was merry as ever, but of course, Naruto had no time to be merry. While his friends rested, he trained, and while they lazed away enjoying the atmosphere, he distracted himself with petty missions and useless jutsus, trying so hard not to think of the past - trying so hard not to admit that he was lonely.
Spring always felt nice and it still did, but something was lacking. Naruto knew that something was more likely someone and that someone was always Sasuke. He cursed and cursed and let himself feel betrayed and angry - feelings he never quite managed to get over because, dammit, Sasuke wasn't back.
It made no sense to get so agitated over one person, but Naruto did anyway. He let Sasuke get under his skin. It wasn't just that, though, he realized while watching his friends.
The thing was, Kiba had Akamaru, Ino had Chouji, Shikamaru had Tenten, Sakura had Lee, and even Gaara had Kankoru. But there was no one Naruto had who was ultimately his. And so, it was spring but a dark, dark night when Sasuke came, looming over Naruto's sleeping form and smirking, watching as the blonde's body tensed with recognition.
The next time, it was autumn. A year had passed since their last encounter, and this time it seemed like the world was in pain: the trees mourned, shredding their leaves like tears, countless and endless, infinite. The feeling was somehow familiar to Naruto, and he thought maybe the earth was finally recognizing the grief he carried in his heart - a burden he chose to keep because it was the only way he knew to live, because it was vital.
When Sasuke came, it was the outset of morning and the sun was a weak circle of light, bidding the world awake as if it was forced to. The air was dull and still and Naruto only knew Sasuke was there because he felt his gaze, like the only powerful thing left in the world. When he turned to look, Sasuke was covered in fresh bruises, and his smirk was faint and not all there, but when their eyes met there was life in them, and for a heartbeat the world was strong and meaningful again.
The year dragged on and then the next, until time slowed again when winter came to pass. Naruto spent the holidays alone, as he always did: the sight of families never boding well on him. He would go to the forests and try and try to get lost within them, working off his chakra till the restlessness eased off, except his chakra wasn't easy to work off and the forests he knew too well to ever lose his way. He travelled to the edges of Konoha, alone and irritated and upset. He could be with his friends - they had asked him to celebrate with them, but he couldn't. It never felt right anymore, and no matter how much he paced he couldn't stop himself from thinking: nothing felt right anymore.
He was almost Hokage, and strong, stronger than Kakashi, stronger than Sakura, stronger than Tsunade, stronger yet than anyone he had ever come to face, and still there laid a phantom, a face that shall not be named, a man that was once a boy - Sasuke was still running and Naruto still chasing. They had not sparred, nor had they spoken, and under these circumstances Naruto would never know whether he would win.
The people he looked up to told him he was growing to be everything he aspired to. His friends were proud, his senseis prouder - he had won everyone's love, approval and respect. For the most part, he was happy.
For the most part, he forgot - or pretended to forget. He laughed at that thought; he's always been good at pretending. But he couldn't fool himself. The chase wasn't over, and it wouldn't be. The saddest part was that he knew what it would come to since the very start, had seen every possible way this could end, and he had no doubt that Sasuke had done the same. There were only ever two options: he would bring Sasuke back or die trying. He wasn't naïve enough to think which Sasuke would favour.
Sasuke came right when Naruto expected him to.
●•●
No one knew the secrets Naruto held dear to his heart. It was like he guarded them with his soul, protected them with his life. The villagers of Konoha saw only what Naruto permitted them to: a strong, faithful Hokage who believed. To them, Naruto was a bright, brilliant man, more loving and caring than any who came before him. His heart was open and he was always welcoming, watching over his people with bold pride, always ready to give and give and give all that he can, always ready to do whatever he can for his villagers. They saw him for what he was - a true leader.
What Konoha's villagers didn't know, however, was their leader's unbidden tragedies.
Naruto's friends read him a little better than that. Out of everyone, Sakura could see him best, but even she didn't know the depth of his pain.
Konoha's villagers would have never guessed that their strong, loving Hokage could break so easily under a foreigner's knowing smirk. It was the same disbelief that took them, if the idea was ever suggested - which it never was, because Naruto was always so good at pretending, having done it all his life -, that would have taken his friends had Naruto dared to show them that the past was still a part of him.
●•●
Sometimes, Naruto couldn't decide what was more important.
Well, he knew it was Konoha. It was always Konoha. Konoha was the one most important thing in his life.
But every now and then, once a year or so, he would find that a part of him was still determined and selfish - oh, ever so selfish, greedy, and dark.
A part of him would always want Sasuke more.
It wasn't something he could control. He was Hokage, but Sasuke would always be the one to play the cards in Naruto's life. And Sasuke did, willing and bending Naruto to his own advantage year by year by year. It seemed that the all mighty Naruto Uzumaki had a weakness.
And Naruto didn't know why Sasuke did this to him, only that he did. Naruto would chase to no avail every second of every day, forever - Sasuke would not be found. Day by day, Naruto could feel his heart growing weak, his patience wearing out, his love forced out of him and replaced by poison and hatred. Every day Naruto would be just a little more like Sasuke.
Once a year Naruto would be so close, so near to breaking point, so sure that he would snap - but once a year, Sasuke would come.
Naruto knew it was a fool's game. He knew the cards Sasuke would play, and his mind told him that Sasuke was evil, Sasuke was cruel, Sasuke was controlling him, and every time Sasuke would show, he blamed himself for not catching him, for not killing him, for being too weak - for letting him leave again.
But somehow, every time Sasuke would show, Naruto would see his smirk, fake and unappealing, not reaching his eyes and he would see - he would see pain in Sasuke's eyes, loneliness and what seemed like never ending sorrow. He would look for only a second but he would see the same wretched exhaustion that he'd gotten so accustomed to, mirrored and intensified in Sasuke's eyes.
He would see the hurt played so sharply in Sasuke's features, and even though Sasuke pretended, he knew how weak they both were. Then Naruto would yell at himself to do something, to end it once and for all, but he couldn't.
When he looked into Sasuke's begging eyes, he felt all his hatred slip away to be replaced by something else: something light and giddy and strong, far stronger than hatred, and it would be love.
●•●
Sasuke was as fond of Naruto as Naruto was of him.
All his life he had pretended otherwise, just as he had pretended that it didn't hurt not to have a family.
But Sasuke had too much pride, and he would never let Naruto know that. He would never tell Naruto how much it meant to him that someone, one lousy beautiful blond, had never given up on him.
When he heard that Naruto was Hokage, he was proud - more proud than any one else. He knew that Naruto had succeeded - and he knew that love was so much harder to tame than hate. It was the one thing that always set the two apart: Naruto loved while Sasuke hated. It was the one proof that Naruto would always be so much stronger. But hating was hard too, and life took its toll on Sasuke more than once. A known criminal, looked down upon wherever he went. Sometimes the loneliness was too much for one person alone to take.
At times like that, when Sasuke was so close, so near to breaking point, he would escape. But Sasuke didn't have many places to escape to, and every time, somehow, he ended up with Naruto.
It would only take five minutes at most. Konoha was filled with bitter-sweet memories and it was the one place Sasuke hated most in the world, but with Naruto things were so much different. Naruto only brought memories of an uncomplicated life, of happiness and friendship. Naruto was kind, and Sasuke knew that even though Naruto had all the reasons in the world to, he would never harm him.
Five minutes with his idiot and Sasuke would catch his breathe, and the world would not seem like such an unforgiving place anymore. It always surprised Sasuke, every single time, how much he missed the blond. It was as if there was no one in the world he missed more - not his brother, nor his parents, nor anyone, and it was a feeling so fierce that it took all of Sasuke's power to hide it - but he had to.
Sasuke had lost every one he ever loved. He knew that if Naruto was ever to find out just how much he cared, he would lose him in a blink of an eye.
It was a risk Sasuke wasn't willing to take, because for five minutes every year, Naruto was his escape.
For five minutes once a year, Sasuke could forget all the bounties, all the hatred, all the fights. He could be no one at all and he would be undoubtedly safe and quiet and almost - almost at peace.
And then he would leave as soon as he felt the pain ease away, as soon as the stress began to lessen, because he knew that Naruto was only so forgiving and he knew that there were three words and eight letters running over and over again in his mind that he would forever forbid himself from saying.
He would disappear before a word was uttered between the two, and then fight the world alone holding on so strongly to the strength that Naruto had given him and somehow making five minutes last one whole year until his next visit.