A/N: You know I really do have to lay all the inspiration of today solely at the feet of my beautiful niece and beta. Every time we're together – ideas run rampant and the plot bunnies go insane.

Disclaimer: Nope, didn't get the rights in my stocking this year either. Darn.

Warnings: Slash and stuff, crack.

Beta: You should know by now, the crazy, the beautiful, the funny, the clumsy FirstLaugh-LastTears!

"HARRY! Harry, blast it! Answer me, this is an emergency!"

Harry ran into the living room of Number 12 Grimmauld Place and dropped to his knees in front of the fireplace. "What? Was it Ron?"

"The horcrux shells are all missing from the Department of Mysteries!"

"Oh…Ron, I hate to rain on your parade, but so what?"

"What do you mean so what? The things Voldemort used to stay alive for so long are missing!"

"Well yeah I get that, but, it's not like anyone can use them for that purpose again. Not that anyone even knows what they were used for in the first place. And anyway, why call me? You're the Unspeakable, not me. I'm done with all that stuff now. I'm a perfectly happy, ridiculously successful penguin trainer."

"I know, right? Still can't believe how popular pet penguins are. AGH! That's not the point! The point is whoever stole them could be using them for nefarious purposes and I know for a fact that you put a tracking spell on all the pieces."

"Oh yeah, I did do that didn't I?"

"Yup."

"Damn, I really didn't want to be involved in any more shenanigans."

Without another word Harry ended the floo call and stepped into the flames. "Atrium of the Ministry."

He stepped out of the flames and into the Atrium. But Ron wasn't waiting for him there like he should've been. In his place was a six foot tall white rabbit, with a name tag that read "Harvey".

"Uh…hi?"

"You are intruder, you come with me."

"Uh…no?"

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"I'll give you a carrot."

"Uh…okay."

Thus Harry left the big bunny happily munching on a conjured carrot while he set of at a run to the elevator. He took it straight down to the Department of Mysteries and headed to Ron's office. On his way he noted rather nervously, that there was no one else there but him.

Ron was not in his office. Another bunny, a purple one, was sitting on his desk. It had a pair of glasses perched on its cute little nose and was reading through a few documents. It looked up at his entrance.

"Oh, hello Mr. Potter. You've been most anxiously anticipated. I shall escort you to The Meeting Place."

"Uh…alright."

"Please follow me."

With that Mr. Purple (as Harry decided to call him) hopped off the desk and out the door. Harry followed sedately.

They went through a door that led to a long, dark tunnel. When they finally reached the light at the end- Ha, Harry thought, I made a religion joke –they stepped through an archway and into a large circular room.

Standing tall in the center of the room was a leopluradon, a magical leopluradon. It gave a mighty roar and a low grumble. Mr. Purple bowed deeply. "Yes your majesty."

Harry stared.

Mr. Purple smacked him on the shin. "You heard him!"

"What? He didn't say anything!"

Just then a bright light enveloped the beasty. He shrunk and shrunk and shrunk. When the light was gone – Fawkes was flapping lazily in his place!

"Fawkes!" Harry squawked.

Fawkes trilled. Mr. Purple nodded. "Yes, I can still understand you."

Harry stared some more.

Mr. Purple bit his kneecap.

"Ow! Sonofabitchwhatthefuck! He didn't say anything that time either!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Okay fine, he said something. Point is, I as a human, cannot fucking understand him."

"Oh…"

A bright light enveloped Fawkes, this time growing, but not quite big enough to give him back his leopluradon form. In his place, was a super hot guy with flaming red/gold/orange hair and piercing black eyes.

Harry drooled a little. Okay, who am I kidding? He drooled a lot.

"Mr. Potter, so nice to see you again."

"Uh…hey Fawkes. When did you get a human form?"

"Always had it, you've just never seen it."

"Ah, I see." Yes, yes he did. He saw a lot. Mr. Fawkesy, or should that be Foxy, wasn't wearing a great deal of clothing. Yummy. "Well, if you don't mind my asking, what in the world is going on here? All the people have been replaced by bunnies, the horcrux's are gone, and you're also a leopluradon?"

"Yes."

"…doesn't fucking answer my question now does it?"

"I was the one who stole the Horcrux pieces; I was intending to permanently destroy them. A task which should be much easier considering the lack of evil, moldy souls."

"That's two."

"The bunnies are here because I like them, they're perfect helpers and they work for carrots."

"Three."

"The people are all home because it's Christmas, and the Ministry, well with the exception of the Auror Department, closes on Christmas."

"Oh…but then, Ron?"

"A polyjuiced bunny."

"…Now I'm concerned on a number of levels."

"Well…" A light blush graced Fawkes' handsome face sending Harry's heart all a flutter. "I wanted to see you again. I missed you."

"Erm?"

"You see Harry I…I like you." The blush was in full force now.

"Thank Merlin!" Harry rushed forward and kissed Fawkes. He pulled back. "I like you too." He kissed him again. He pulled back. "A lot." Another kiss and pull back. "We should date."

"Awesome." Fawkes moaned, grabbing hold of Harry's hair to hold him in place and taking control of the kiss.

An hour and one very shocked Mr. Purple later, Harry asked idly (in his naked and prone position on the circular room's floor), "So you didn't answer one of my questions."

"Oh?" Fawkes asked curiously. "Which one?"

"Leopluradon?"

"Oh, well, that was Dumbledore's rather lame idea of a joke."

"I see."

"Yeah…last time I ever hid his lemon drops."

The End.

A/N: I've always wanted to do a Harry/Fawkes, but they never seem to turn out right so I used this opportunity to do so. I have two others on the back burner but I just don't like them so you probably won't ever be seeing them in the future. Anyway, hope you all enjoyed your three Christmas presents!