A Succession

Of Unfavourable Experiences

By Basal Wormwood

For Elsie,

Kindred, Kin, Kidnapped.

Dear Viewer,

I'm sorry to say that the fanfiction you are viewing on your computer is extremely unfavourable. It tells the unhappy tale of four rather unlucky children. Even though they are quite charming and clever, the Fairchild siblings lead lives filled with heartbreak and despair.

From the first few pages of this fanfiction when the children spend a morning at the ocean and receive awful news, continuing on through the entire story, disaster lurks at their heels. One might say they attract terror.

In this short fanfic alone, the four chits encounter a selfish and disgusting villain, pink clothing, a terrible fire, an evil plot, and crunchy oatmeal. It is my sad obligation to write these depressing fables, but there is nothing stopping you from clicking the 'X' button on the far corner of your screen and reading something happy, if that appeals to you.

With all due respect,

Basal Wormwood.

Introduction:

You will likely notice that there are many similarities between the story you are about to read, for some reason, and the stories by my comrade, Lemony Snicket. That is because Lemony and I belong to the same secret organization, and, although I don't know him very well, we seem to have been given very similar tasks. The Fairchilds are not the Baudelaire children, obviously, so there story is different, even though they share many similar themes. It seems that far too many of our stories are like that – mine, for instance. But that's a story for another time…

You may also notice similar writing styles between myself and Mr. Snicket – such as the phrase 'With all due respect', and 'a word which here means…'. That is because we, as you have already been told, are part of the same secret organization. Many people in this organization speak in the same manner (which you can see in Mr. Snicket's Unauthorized Autobiography).

I would try to talk you out of reading this, as Lemony did, but it obviously didn't work for him, and I suppose it would be fruitless – a word which here means 'a waste of time I could spend diving off my boat for a mysterious treasure I have been told about', so I will simply say this:

Please read with caution. This book does not have a happy beginning, ending, and very few, short-lived – a phrase which here means 'ruined quickly by Uncle Lars' – happy parts in the middle.