I looked away
then I looked back at you,
You tried to say
the things that you can't undo,
Staring hazily out of the airplane window into the black diamond sky Olivia Benson slipped slowly into a peaceful slumber. The stress and anxiety of her 6 months undercover had taken their toll on her body, she was beyond tired. She had spent the duration of her placement attempting to infiltrate renowned Eco terrorist group, Edge, and although the operation had eventually gone to plan after several mishaps Olivia didn't feel the sense of relief, the sense of achievement that she had with other cases.
If she was honest with herself she didn't feel anything anymore. Since that night 6 months ago Olivia Benson had refused to feel anything. Initially she had surmised that it was her response to going undercover. In such a volatile and intense situation there was no room for error and therefore there was no room for her own emotions, her own feelings. She was Persephone James, it was her job to live a lie and if that mean suppressing her emotions then so be it. She had officially shut down.
In reality Olivia had been living 'undercover' for years, her job at the 16th Precinct, Manhattan SVU had left her with no choice but to lead a double life. In Manhattan she was 'Badass Benson', one half of the renowned Benson and Stabler or at least that was what she was when she was at work, when she was 'one of the boys'. When at home, on her own she was Olivia Benson, emotional and irresponsible wreck, complete fool who after years of trying her damndest not to had fallen hopelessly in love with her partner. Her married partner.
She shifted slightly in her seat and winced, to anyone watching it simply looked like she was trying to get comfortable. In fact she was adjusting herself to try and cope with the action replay that was taking place within her dreams...the last time she had seen him, the last time she had spoken to him, the one and only time when she had been so irrevocably hurt by her partner, the love of her life that she thought the pain might kill her. The time when she knew her worlds, both personal and private had been turned upside down. In her dreams she was replaying the moment that caused her to run.
Elliot: Look, we both chose each other over the job. We can never let that happen again. Otherwise... we can't be partners.
Olivia: I can't believe you're saying that.
Elliot: Look, you and this job are about the only things that I've got anymore. I don't want to wreck that. I couldn't take it.
Olivia's eyes widened and her hands entangled themselves with one another, she was undeniably nervous yet the sense of fear that had encompassed her prevented her anxiety from registering. Her partner of 7 years was sitting uncomfortably close to her on the cold, hard waiting room bench yet at this precise moment Olivia Benson was certain that she had never felt so isolated in her entire life.
She turned slowly to look at him; she needed to know if her fears were justified, did he mean what he had just said? That they couldn't be partners anymore? As her eyes fell upon his sullen features she knew. She quickly withdrew her gaze as her breath hitched and her eyes started to fill with emotion. She would not let him see her like this, she couldn't, not now that they were finished…whatever they were to begin with.
He shifted in his seat a little and leaned forward resting his weight on his knees. It was obvious that he was as uncomfortable with what he had just said as she was however right now Olivia, for the first time in her life, didn't care about him. The only man she had ever truly cared about had just crushed her.
She was unsure of how long they remained in this state of limbo, the deafening silence of the hospital waiting room only emphasised the bleak reality of the words that had previously been spoken. The only audible sounds were the whirring of the half empty vending machine and Olivia's ragged breathing. She had to get out of there, she couldn't let him see her like this, she wouldn't. He could sense what was about to happen and wracked his brain in search of a preventative measure. He was too late; she was up off her seat and walking towards the exit without so much as a parting glance.
'Olivia...I didn't mean, I can't explain...I don't know how to...'
She was gone, his words had no effect. She hadn't turned to look at him and she hadn't stopped. Olivia Benson had just walked out of his life.
He had tried to rectify something that it was damn near impossible to undo. He couldn't take it back. He had said it and now she was forcing him to live with it. In telling her they couldn't be partners Elliot Stabler had lost the one person that he couldn't live without.
As the hospital door swung closed behind her he finally managed to articulate what he had been trying to say.
'I don't know how to do this without you.'
Although he hadn't realised it in that instant he would be forced to try to make it through each day without her for the next six months.
As the wheels of the airplane touched down on the runway at JFK Olivia stirred briefly and let out a small sigh when the realisation hit her that she had just arrived in New York. This is the city where her life had truly begun; this is the place where 6 months ago her life had ended.