Chapter One

"I needed you. I needed you around and you weren't there. And I was lonely," I cried. "And I'm...I'm really sorry."

I snuffle as I watch those blue eyes that I love so dearly start to spill tears. "You don't think that I've been lonely? You don't think that I've had temptations? But I didn't act on it because I knew what it meant. It meant something horrible and awful."

That was the last time Kurt said anything to me. I understand why Kurt was avoiding me; I just didn't want it to happen. I miss Kurt's laugh, his smile, his voice, and his eyes. Those eyes that first drew me in when I passed by Kurt on the stairs of the Dalton Academy.

Ever since that night in New York, when I confessed to cheating on Kurt, Kurt has been avoiding me like the plague. Kurt hadn't answered texts, calls, emails, or even letters. I was starting to doubt that Kurt would ever forgive me.

I returned to Lima on Saturday evening, grateful that my parents were out at dinner. I was grateful. I couldn't face them right now. I didn't need to deal with any of the drama that would come with all three of us being in the same room. As I climbed the stairs up to my room, I saw a photo of my immediate family, all together. That was three years ago, my freshman year of high school. Cooper, my older, narcissistic brother still lived with us. Living in this house was a living hell for me at the time. But the only thing that's gotten resolved since then was Cooper moving out.

As I stepped into my room, more thoughts flew through my racing mind. But instead of Cooper, my mind flashed Kurt's face again, when I admitted to cheating. It was the biggest mistake of my life. I didn't want to hurt him. Kurt was – Kurt is – the love of my life. But he won't even speak to me.

I jumped onto my bed to lay down, when I noticed my arms shaking with anxiety. I was so nervous for school on Monday. But I have to make it through all of this.

I reached to my bedside table for a notepad and a pen. My notepad was flipped to a page with my homework assignments for the weekend, with one that I had yet to finish. A couple notecards with facts about a presentation I'll be giving later this week. I took out my notecards and reviewed the facts I already had written down. As I started to brainstorm for new facts, I began to chew on the cap of my pen. When I hadn't thought of any new facts ten minutes later, I figured I should just sleep it off and try again the next day. I set my notepad down and slipped off my shirt to take a quick shower.

I walked into the bathroom, still chewing on my pen's cap. I slipped off my jeans and shorts, and then stepped into the warm stream of water. As I washed my hair, I bit my pen cap into multiple pieces. I continued to wash and rinse myself, slowly chewing the pieces into even smaller bits. When I tilted my head back for my final rinse, I accidentally swallowed the pieces of the pen cap. I quickly shot my head upright and tried to cough them out, but it was too late. I figured that wouldn't cause me any harm, so I just shrugged it off as I turned off the water and emerged from the shower.

I threw on some shorts before slipping into bed, thoughts still racing through my head.

The next morning, I woke up to my father screaming, "Blaine! What are you doing?! You're still asleep? Get your lazy ass out of bed and help your mother clean this filthy household!"

I opened my eyes and quickly complied. I hopped out of bed and quickly grabbed a V-neck to throw over my head as I ran downstairs to see my mother.

"Good morning, Blaine!" She greeted me cheerfully, "How did you sleep?"

Still half asleep, I rubbed one of my eyes as I responded, "Pretty well, I suppose, except for the wakeup call." I shrugged as she attempted a smile about the matter, "But how did you sleep?"

"Decent, at best. Your father would not go to sleep."

"What was it last night?"

"Angry over something that happened at work, I'm assuming. He kept mentioning Frank, so that's just my logical guess."

I sighed as I looked towards the stairs, "Well, he'll probably be down here any second now, so I guess we better start cleaning something."

She nodded and began to wipe down the table as I went to grab a broom. My mother is a very sweet lady, but I can never respect her. She may have good intentions, but she can't even stand up for herself, let alone for her children. She wants to protect us, but when she can't even protect herself, it's easy to say that she's not as helpful as she tries to be.

I continued to sweep the kitchen and hallway when I hear a booming voice, "Where is he?!" I pressed my lips together as I turned around a corner to escape his line of sight.

"He's upstairs dusting right now." I swallowed as she lied to my father, preparing myself for whatever could come next.

I heard my father truck up the stairs, "Blaine! Where are you?!"

As soon as I heard him enter the other side of the house, I walked to the bottom of the stairs, watching my mother bite her nail nervously. I gave her a sad smile as I called out, "I'm down here, Dad. Do you need something?"

My father walked to the top of the stairs, "Do I need something?" He paused, and I waited. "Do I need something?! You're sitting around doing absolutely nothing, and you're asking me if I need something?!"

I turned to my mother, watching her sad eyes start to swell up in tears. My father screamed, "Blaine Devon Anderson, you will look at me when I am talking to you! Is that understood?"

"Yes. I'm sorry, Dad."

"You're sorry? Get your ass back to work, you pathetic, useless piece of shit!"

"Okay."

I quickly grabbed the broom as I continued to sweep where I had left off. I didn't waste a second until every inch of space of the house was spotless. The house was relatively clean to begin with, but we can't explain that to my father. He's not a rational man in the slightest. Somebody could tell him that two plus two equals four and he would figure out some way to argue the statement, no matter how unreasonable the point may be.

Once the house was clean, I ran back upstairs to my room, just barely slipping past my father. I hurriedly threw on a pair of jeans and grabbed a pair of shoes before running back downstairs and out my front door.

I sat on my front porch, slipped my shoes on, took my phone out, and texted Tina.

What are you doing today?

I stood up and began to walk down the sidewalk. Having forgotten my jacket, I was shivering a bit as I strolled, but I didn't mind it. It was better to be out here than in that house right now. I reached for my pocket to grab my watch, and noticed I forgot that, as well. Hopefully Dad won't find that in my room.

Suddenly, my phone vibrated and beeped. I slid it out of my pocket and unlocked the touchscreen of my iPhone. I had two unread messages; one from Tina, one from Rachel. I smiled as I clicked Rachel's text first.

I miss u so much! How does it feel to be the new me? ;)

Having been declared as The New Rachel was a great feeling at first. I felt like I was really somebody in that room, somebody that was more than just "Kurt's boyfriend." But after a week or two, the infamy wore off. Nobody cared anymore. Nobody cared again. I, once again, felt just like dust in the wind of the McKinley High Glee Club. But I couldn't admit all of that to Rachel, especially when she lives with Kurt; not to say that I don't trust her, I just don't necessarily want Kurt finding out that I'm doing so poorly right now.

It's been okay. As good as it's going to get I guess. Can't replace you though. I miss you too.

After responding to Rachel, I clicked on Tina's text.

Getting pizza with you. I got paid, my treat.

Sounds great, I'll walk there now. Gotta get some fresh air. Thanks Tina!

I smiled as I slid my phone back into my pocket. Tina has always been so great to me, it was always such a treat just to see her.

I made my way to the local pizza parlor where Tina was already sitting at an empty table. "Hey Blaine!" Her smiling face immediately brightened my day. I waved as I sat down across from her. "Hello dear Tina, how are you doing on this fine day?"

She frowned as I asked the question. "Are you okay? You don't look like yourself."

I shrugged, "It's the lack of a coat. I forgot to grab it on my way out."

"No, that's not it. It's something more than that. You look really upset, like you just got some really bad news or something. Are you okay?"

I glanced down at the table, "There's just a lot going on right now. How about we grab that pizza then discuss it over some Hawaiian?"

After ordering a large pizza – half Hawaiian, half cheese – we sat back at the table and began to eat. As I bit into my second piece of pizza, Tina set her lemonade down and gave me a stern stare. "Okay Blaine, now talk to me, what's bothering you?"

I put my pizza down on my plate and looked back at her. "I think Kurt and I are done. I don't even know right now. It's all really confusing."

Tina gasped, "Are you kidding me? You have got to be joking. You and Kurt are perfect for each other, you guys can't be over, I mean—"

"Tina, please," I cut her off. "That's really not what I want to hear right now."

"I'm so sorry, Blaine. I really am." She climbed out of the bench on her side of the table and slid in right next to me, wrapping both arms around me as she continued to apologize. "What on Earth happened to cause this?"

I looked up to prevent tears from escaping my eyes, "I went to see him in New York this week. Friday night, I went out with him, Rachel, Finn, and Brody," Tina's eyes suddenly widened at the mention of Finn's name, "I'll explain that later. We went out to a karaoke bar. Rachel and Brody sang a duet, then I got up there and sang our song to Kurt. I couldn't help but cry in the middle of it, but at least I finished it. Once we left, Kurt confronted me about the emotional breakdown, and I couldn't hold it in any longer; I finally confessed to cheating on him. I couldn't even–"

"You what?"

I stayed quiet. I couldn't even repeat what I had just said. The feeling of immediate guilt flew over me like a tsunami. My eyes started to tear up as I reminisced about that night. The real love and passion I felt as I sang to the love of my life was unlike anything else I have ever felt in my life. But the shame that came with my mistake was truly awful.

Tina stared at me in disbelief, "I thought you really loved him, Blaine…"

"I do, I really and truly do, Tina…" I couldn't hold it in any longer. I finally let loose the dams that were holding my tears in. Tina held me as I cried for just a moment before letting me go. "Blaine, I can't believe you… How could you do that to him?" Tina looked away, deep in thought, before I noticed the expression on her face turn from sadness to anger. "How could you? He loved you and you said this would work for you two, but you cheated on him?! You should feel completely ashamed right now!"

"Tina, I didn't come to lunch with you so you can yell at me! I already feel terrible about what happened. I don't need you making me feel any more guilt about this!"

I grabbed one last piece of pizza before I left the building, an emotional wreck as I made my way back to my house. If I was going to be upset no matter where I was, I might as well be in my own house, where nobody in the general public will see me break down.