They're doing WHAT by the poolside?

You can see my attention span degrading in this.
I don't own Super Smash Brothers Brawl.
I don't support harems.

This started with a discussion with Legenddathecity on deviantart where she ranted how Mario in most fanfiction was degraded: deviantart .com/art/Mario-in-most-fanfics-270323434 One thing led to another and somehow this appeared.

HAPPY FIRST DAY OF SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE SUMMER!

"Have you seen the girls lately? Do you know what they're doing?" It was a hot summers' day. The air conditioner was on full blast and yet the guys in the room was sweating like pigs. As much as they would rather be trying to die in front of the refrigerator, they all knew they had to attend this impromptu meeting.

The group collated in the living room stared at each other, all of them shaking their heads before looking back at the green-clad hero.

"That's what I thought. All the girls seem to just... disappear. Has anyone else noticed? Zelda has been acting weird lately..."

"Jigglypuff has been singing more love songs in English lately." Meta Knight muttered, "It's unusual. Usually she only sings them in her native tongue." Everyone noted that. No one had fallen asleep outside of a brawl in weeks.

"Nana has been slipping out late at night... and she comes home disheveled," he glared suspiciously around the room before 'titching', "I asked her where she was but she whacks me and tells me its none of my business."

"For the last time. NO ONE IS HITTING ON YOUR SISTER!" Ike growled, hitting the boy in the shoulder. Before a fight could break out, Marth spoke a sentence that no one ever thought could be strung together.

"Samus smiled."

Snake fell off his chair and Captain Falcon's jaw dropped. Every turned to the Altean prince, sitting upright and proper.

"S-seriously?"

"Yes Snake. She's been smiling a lot lately. I thought she killed someone important until I saw a few hickeys on her neck..." The room grew into the out roar and Link took a few minutes to restore peace and order. It didn't take long. For a second, there was silence. Link took the opportunity to survey the people who were in the room: Pit, Marth, Ike, Roy, Popo, Snake, Captain Falcon, Meta Knight, Kirby (although he may as well not have been there due to his attention focused on his food) and himself. The people who hung around the five females of the Smash Brothers Mansion the most. "Is there anything else you guys have noticed? Something helpful that will help us get a clue on what's happening with our friends slash love interests?"

"The only thing I've noticed is that Peach is hanging a lot with Mario." Pit suddenly stated, "I mean, they hung out a lot before but now it's like she's attached to his arm. Come to think of it... I've seen Mario hanging out a lot with the girls lately."

"Mario? As in the superstar of Nintendo? The fat, idiotic plumber who can't get enough of his 'LOTSA SPAGHETTI?'" Roy yelled. The guys began to snicker- they had been watching way too much 'Youtube Poop' lately.

"Who else is there? Luigi?" Ike elbowed Roy, The others stared at each other in silence and laughed again. Luigi hung out with R.O.B and Mr. Game and Watch. Interpret that how you wish.

"Alright, alright. Now I know it's unlike that Mario, of all people, is doing weird things with the girls but it's worth investigating right? Maybe Mario knows what's wrong with the girls. If he doesn't, we can go spy on them. Everyone agree?" Snake was the loudest, but the sweltering men cheered in response only to have their approval slashed by a gravelly voice.

"I have a question... why don't you just ask the girls 'what is their problem'?" The men stared at Meta Knight who staring stoically back at them.

"Zelda turns to Sheik and starts whipping."

"I don't want marker on my face again."

"Peach and her frying pan."

"Have you seen the size of Nana's mallet?"

"Two words: Zero Laser."

"... then count Kirby and I out. We, Star Warriors, don't have time for your unintelligent spying activities. We'll collect your remains when they find you and massacre you all."

"Thanks for the confidence boost." Ike muttered dryly as Meta Knight grabbed the last of Kirby's food and walked out- making Kirby scurry to his feet and chase his departing food.

"We don't need them. You have me." Snake grinned before slipping back under his box. Even though the others couldn't comprehend how a box could be a good disguise, Snake's stealth was nothing to laugh about.

"Alright. We'll get to the bottom of all our girls' behaviour. So... now we just need to find where Mario is..." Link said thoughtfully.

"This is where you'll think Mario will be?" Marth asked. He was the only one who wasn't crouching behind the bushes, but sitting behind them in a dignified manner while fanning himself. Without the beloved AC, the men were left to suffer from the sun's torment. They were all half-dressed and looked red despite Popo trying to cool them down with his ice powers.

They were all resilient though. The bushes the seven were hiding stealthily behind were the ones closest to the pool. "I said... is this where you'll think Mario will be?"

"Shut up Martha," Marth scowled but Snake didn't see, "of course I'm sure."

"What makes you so sure?" Huffed Link, wiping the sweat off his brow onto his chiseled abs.

"Because it's summer. Mario always stops by the pool in the summer. He'll come and then we'll talk to him."

"Then why are we hiding?" Pit asked, speaking for some of the others.

"Because this is what spying involves." Snake snorted. Pit furrowed his brow as he passed the binoculars to Captain Falcon.

"I thought we were spying on the ladies and talking to Mario."

"Shut up angel-boy. The ladies will come here either way. I heard, the other day, they were having a private pool party."

"Shut up both of you!" Roy exclaimed, looking out of the third pair of binoculars, "I see somebody!"

"I hope it's a babe." Captain Falcon muttered, his helmet now under his chest and eyes pressing against the eyeholes. Fortunately, it was one of the people they were spying on... and it was a babe. It was Princess Zelda, elegantly strolling by the poolside towards a bunch of umbrella-covering deck chairs.

"Hubba hubba... what is that sweet thing...?" Popo muttered before having the binoculars snatched off him by Link, "Hey!"

"You're too young for this."

"I'm sixteen!"

"We only have four binoculars and I want to see." Popo huffed and sulked closer to Ike and Marth, the other two who lacked the necessary spy gear. Ike patted the teenager on the shoulder.

"Whoa~ since when did Zelda get that in her wardrobe?" Link whispered, his face growing even more red then the heat made him.

Zelda had her tiara packed away as well as her hair ties, allowing her chocolate locks to gently spin out, as if hiding her back from anyone who may look. She was sweating as well but- unlike the guys- she still looked gorgeous. The usually-reserved woman was clad in a more scandalous bikini; the purple top was strapless that only covered the bottom half of her small bosom in a pattern that resembled the gold-bird like creature on the front of her fighting dress. Her bottoms were shaped like her tiara- the edge with a pattern that resembled golden leaves while the large insignia of the triforce was visible in front. It was noted, with interest, that she was still wearing her gloves a long, spiked leggings held by a garter-belt. An unusual, never the less sexy, choice of accessories.

"Link... why did you never hook up with her? She's hot." Link scowled and hit Captain Falcon over his unarmoured head.

"We're just friends!"

"Shut up or you'll blow our cover. She's doing something!" Snake snarled. The four stared more directly in the binoculars while Ike and Popo settled for peaking over the top of the bushes.

What Zelda was doing turned out to be what you usually did at a pool: swim. She sprung off the board and dove into the water. She kicked her legs and managed to breaststroke to the other side of the pool without breathing. She took a breath and began doing a graceful freestyle- something that the men were silently admiring for a long time. She didn't stop for some time, but when she did, the brunette practically jumped out of the water while hypnotically whiplashing her hair- Little Mermaid style.

"Come on Marth... you should see this." Captain Falcon said.

"No thank you... I have a wife, that I wish to stay loyal to, at home." The prince sighed, pulling out a small book and reading it.

"You're getting good Zelda. You're a natural at swimming." Everyone suddenly froze before they looked up to see Mario, closing the pool gate and standing by the water's edge by the princess. Zelda gave a calm smile, although...

"I-is she blushing?" Pit asked.

"Get out! No way! It's just Mario!" Link almost yelled, only to have the binoculars taken from him and given to Ike.

"You can have those back when you 'shut up." Snake scowled. Link began to sulk.

"A-ah. It's nothing. It's your lessons that have been helping..."

"Nonsense." The mustached plumber chuckled. The man was only wearing red board shorts and thongs, not that Zelda seemed to be paying attention because she was staring at his shirtless body... no... his face. "You're a very talented woman Zelda. Don't doubt yourself." Zelda nodded, hoisting herself out of the water and sitting delicately. Mario grinned and sat next to her.

"She is blushing!"

"Shut up Pit... or we're giving those binoculars to Popo."

"You're a good teacher Mario... thank you. Can... I repay you in anyway?" Mario gave a kind smile before leaning close. Only Link's sensitive ears could hear his thick Italian voice say: "Only how you always do."

Then they kissed.

And it wasn't just a light kiss.

Oh, no... they were making out. Zelda's arms were wrapped around Mario's neck as he held her hips and their tongues clashed, mounding over each other as their lips continuously met. Zelda was really getting into the kiss, which only served to make Link's blood boil.

"I'm going to KI-" Popo quickly froze Link's mouth and Captain Falcon held the Hylian Hero of Time from getting up and punching Mario.

"Shut up."

"Mmph!"

"It doesn't seem like Mario to cheat on Peach..." Roy muttered under his breath, finally snapping out of his fixation of Zelda and thinking out loud, "it's not in his style or personality."

"Well... I'm not sure what you define as not cheating, but he is making out with Zelda." Roy stared blankly at Pit.

"No, the kid is right," Snake muttered, "I mean... doesn't it seem odd that-"

"HEY!" The stalkers turned back to the scene to see Mario had been pushed in. Suddenly, there was a large 'splash' that followed, leaving a shocked Zelda.

"Nana? But she told me that she was doing a favour for Fox today." It was indeed Popo's twin. The giddy brunette laughed as she surfaced: only to be hugged from behind by a wet-capped hero. "How... what?"

"You two are such kids," Zelda sighed, shaking her head. Nana giggled merrily as she hopped out of the pool and ran behind the princess; Mario now imitating a sea-bear who 'wanted to get her' but couldn't decide which side of the pool he wanted to get out of so he could catch Nana more easily.

Nana looked so cute. Her wet hair was tied in pigtails while she wore a pink one-piece swim suit which clinged tightly to her body, making her smaller assets look a lot larger. Over her one-piece, she wore a cute pair of white board-shorts, baggy and easy to be pulled off if needed.

"No we're not Zellie," she said, giving her a tight hug, "lighten up and have some fun. We're with our Mario after all."

"Our Mario?" whispered Popo, confused.

"I know..." Zelda's blush returned but was quickly removed when Mario grabbed the princess' ankles and pulled both brunettes in. "MARIO!"

"Couldn't help it. You both looked like you were having fun without me. I couldn't have that," he said, suddenly sounding extremely playful.

"Stop it." Zelda managed a blush again. It was a good thing Captain Falcon was now sitting on Link, the Hylian's face into the dirt.

Nana swam over and climbed into the portly man's arms- the short, mature girl acting uncharacteristically childish as she brought her round face over to Mario's.

"Awwww... sorry for leaving you out Mario. We love you." Then, the sixteen year old girl fully kissed the twenty-five year old plumber on the lips. The kiss generally grew more passionate and Zelda watched practically unaffected. The men in the bushes were thinking otherwise.

"Okay! THAT'S I-" Captain Falcon pulled him back. Zelda looked at the bushes, but shrugged and went back to watching Mario and the Ice Climber make out.

"...A threesome?" Pit asked. Roy wasn't sure how to respond.

"Like I said... there's more to this then meets the eye. Keep watching." Snake said as Ike decided to take it upon himself to hold and gag a murderous Popo, sacrificing his binoculars to hang onto the homicidal boy.

"How long have they been at it?" The guys had been so engrossed with the display of pedophillia that they didn't notice another female's arrival. Granted that the female was small and a flexible Pokemon, but a female that they should have noticed anyway.

"They just started. Nana cut into my time with Mario." The normal-type laughed and rolled next to the woman, her large eyes sparkling with amusement.

"Oh well... we'll all get a turn with Mario. He's so generous." Jigglypuff didn't need to wear any clothes but, feeling obligated to dress up, wore her wide-brimmed straw hat that she used when using her blue palette swap in brawls.

"...Wait. Now Jigglypuff likes Mario as well? I know he's popular but not 'pairing material!'"

"So generous... that mascot is making a foursome out of our friends! This can't go on Snake!" Pit insisted. Snake shot him a look at Pit shrunk back.

"I said we're going to get to the bottom of ALL the girls behaviour."

"Link said that."

"... anyway. Part of spying is that we have to wait. So shut your traps before I nail them shut."

"He is Jiggly... and he's so dreamy." Link's ears were still working and his brow furrowed. The F-Zero X racer had to put more pressure on the Hylian's back for him to remain quiet: the ice around his mouth was melting.

"What's Nana doing?" No one answered Popo/

"Guys. I'm not that good." Mario had now parted from Nana and the two beckoned to the two women at the edge so the could stand with them in the shallow end. Zelda and Jigglypuff linked hands and slowly made their way over to the brunettes. "You guys are always showering me with praise."

"Only because you do for us," Jigglypuff giggled. Knowing that Jigglypuff wanted her turn with Mario, Nana swam over to Zelda, giving the Pokemon the opportunity to lip lock with Mario. None of the hidden brawlers said anything- they were so shocked they didn't even see Nana kiss Zelda gently on the cheek and hold on adorably on her.

"Your kissing is getting better Jigglypuff," chuckled Mario as they parted, his words splitting the the saliva that connected their mouths. The puffball grew a dark crimson as Mario picked her up and kissed her again.

"That's not fair... we only got one kiss each." Nana pouted. Zelda laughed and kissed Nana on the lips, her pristine body pressing against the stockier one. It was a good thing Popo wasn't close enough to the hedge to see the scene.

"Does that make up for it for now?" Nana smiled and nodded before hugging her elder affectionately. Mario grinned and put the balloon Pokemon on his head before paddling over and snuggling both of the women.

"Did I ever tell you both how beautiful you look?"

"Only about a thousand times." Mario rubbed noses with Nana as his fingers began tracing the sensitive collar bone of the princess, sending shivers down her spine.

"Only because you all are worth it." Nana couldn't suppress her giggles. "I'm being serious. My number one Pokemon, my beautiful empath, my little angel..."

"What the hell are you all doing? Mario?"

"Finally! Samus to save the day!" Pit cheered. It was a miracle no one noticed his loud exclamation. but the others were too busy with their tasks to scold the overexcited angel.

Like Nana, Samus was wearing a one piece, this one resembled her Zero Suit (she even wore her hair as if she was in said suit). It was light blue, and had the same lineal patterns. The major differences was that the swimsuit lacked covering for Samus' arms, legs, chest and belly; clinging tightly to reveal her erotic, athletic figure.

"... Samus... marry me..."

"Now who is the one who needs to shut up?"

"Oh... eheheheh... Hi Samus." Mario waved. The blonde rolled her eyes before pulling out Mario from the group onto land, leaving Jigglypuff to land in Nana's open arms. "How are you this fine day?"

"Hot and irritable. You broke your promise." The Italian rubbed the back of his head while the tall, curvy woman stared down at him.

"Sorry. I got carried away and..."

"No excuses."

"How come you're late to the pool party Sammy?" Only Nana dared to speak against the bounty huntress like that. The blue-eyed woman stared at the coyly smiling ice-wielder.

"I'm pissed off with you guys as well you know..."

"That's not answering the question." Jigglypuff muttered under her breath. Unfortunately, Samus caught it and snarled a little. "I was busy trying to fix the garage. Someone stole Wario's bike and Master Hand, that jackass, put me in charge of improving security. I've finished already."

"I knew you could Samus. You always manage to figure out something."

"Are you trying to 'sweet talk' me?" Captain Falcon and Snake grimaced. They knew from experience that 'sweet talking' resulted in a month's worth of pain.

"Possibly. By the way, you're not that late. The games wait for you after all." Samus' mouth twitched.

"Oh my gosh... is she smiling?"

"I told you she did." Marth spoke up, turning the page of his book.

"You should smile more often."

"Oh shut up. How dare you guys start without me? Again?" Samus laughed before swooping down and picking up the shorter man, throwing him into the deck chair and crashing into a fevered summer make out scene.

"No. Friggin. Way." Ike's mouth dropped while Roy and Pit's eyes widened. "She's part of the harem too? B-but... this is Samus... n-no way!"

"I guess we know now where the hickeys are coming from..." Snake growled, muttering to himself to 'keep calm' and not to kill that 'deadbeat of a plumber'.

"How the heck did he manage to score Samus? Let alone the rest of them to boot?" The other ladies were now swimming, playing with each other and leaving the most dominant female to do what she wanted.

"Peach won't tolerate this. Mario was hers first after all..." someone babbled. Their shock almpst melding their minds into one over-fried puddle.

"Yeah... people usually start harems because of unhappy relationships. It's not possible..."

"Speak of the witch and she shall appear..."

"Mario!"

"Whoa... Peach makeover much?"

The now crown-less Peach wore a sexy, light pink bikini; very similar to her frilled dress she always wore. The straps looked lacy and they wrapped around her neck, coming together over a blue gem on her breast crack. Her bikini bottoms were snug and fit perfectly around her generously rounded butt. The outfit complimented her body shape and made the sweet princess even more appealing to the eye.

"Those straps... the flying straps... they're begging me to pull them..." Roy drooled.

"Don't you have a girlfriend at home?" Marth muttered, just reminding them all of his bothered presence. The pyro shrugged.

"What Lilliana doesn't know won't hurt her."

"Oh! Peach! Hey!" The huntress frowned as she pulled Mario up and let go, obviously unamused. The blonde princess blinked dumbly at the plumber, "What's up?"

"You forgot your sunglasses," the blonde woman silently handed them over, not looking at Mario but at Samus, "...am... am I intruding?"

"No!"

"Not to my knowledge."

"Good!" Mario smirked and slid on his sunnies, prompting Samus to flip off and dive into the pool, with great skill, and for Peach to get on and start kissing him.

"OKAY! THAT'S IT! STOP!" Everyone turned to see Pit. The angel pointing at Mario and standing, blowing the others' covers. "WHAT IN PAULENTA'S NAME DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING?"

Samus got out her gun from under the deck chair.

"Who else is there?"

The other men, minus the bored prince of Altea, stood up and were relatively calm- even if Ike had to restrain Popo from attacking Mario.

"What are you doing?" Link asked, his mouth finally had thawed in the blistering heat. The other girls left the pool and stood by Mario. The two groups faced each other off, neither side ceasing to glare at each other. "Well?"

"I stole your honey like I stole Wario's bike." Mario stated plainly as he tilted his sunglasses and stared at the guys. "Problem?"

"Yes there's a problem. You're playing with women Mario and disrespecting them... that's not cool." Captain Falcon said. Mario was silent. The sunglasses dropped off his nose and he looked down. Nana and Jigglypuff ran to his side but the princesses continued to glare.

"Look... I know you're past your prime and all- but multiple women isn't going to make you feel better," Roy started, "So stop being a jerk and toying with emo..."

SPLASH

Samus knocked all of the guys into the pull, her anger getting the best of her. If it wasn't for Zelda using her magic to snatch the stun gun, the guys would have been electrocuted by the terrifying blonde.

"Now you guys listen up. First of all: stop talking like this is Mario's fault. Mario doesn't 'disrespect' us. In fact- he respects us all each individually as women and unique beings more then all of you combined!" Samus scolded, "I know I don't need a man to make me happy. Mario knows this so he doesn't coddle me- but I know he loves me because even if I wanted to be treated like any other brawler, he treats me like a lover! Like royalty." Samus shot an affectionate smile at the plumber.

"He's kind, amazing and selfless. He doesn't treat me like an animal... he makes me feel pretty..." Jigglypuff said quietly, following Samus. "He's not ugly, stupid or past his prime!"

"I love Mario because of many things... but what really sticks out to me is that he treats me like I'm a responsible adult at times to- he gives me a lot of freedom. Unlike some people." Popo rubbed his head apologetically. Maybe he was a bit overprotective of his twin.

"He actually listens to me. My problems... worries... concerns..." Link looked at Zelda, feeling a rock drop to his stomach. "I can feel like I am someone besides a princess with Mario."

"We agreed that since we all loved him and we share him. The harem was our idea... mostly Samus' and mine but we all agreed," Peach piped up, also looking down into the pool of visibly cooler brawlers, "He was reluctant at first but we've grown on him and now we're a loving family. It's a loose relationship, no sex and we're allowed to leave anytime, but I don't think we're going anywhere anytime soon."

"... It's true," Mario smiled softly. Tiredly, "I love them all very much. I'm not going anywhere, either."

"Except away from the jerks." Samus pointed at the guys again. "So can I kill them? I have a good enough excuse."

"Leave them Samus. Let them go and let's hope they leave us in peace."

(PAGE BREAKER)

"There's a lesson in this..." Marth said as he followed the guys back to the manor, "I hope you all learnt it."

"No."

"Not a clue."

"Sorry, I didn't get anything valuable except the girls are immoral. At least we found out what they're doing these days." Marth facepalmed as Pit, Captain Falcon and Snake walked back inside. The bluenette groaned something sounding like: "I should have known..."

"We should never do this again." Marth looked up to see Ike, carrying a now sleeping Popo, nuzzled against the man's body. He needed naps? What was he? Sixteen or two? "Please remind me to shoot the next person who suggests something remotely similar."

"Nope. I would have shot myself by then." The mercenary smirked and carried the tiny teenager inside. Marth was about to walk in, when he got a small tap on his shoulder.

"Is the lesson that we should respect women more? Judging by what the girls said... we did neglect them. I guess... Mario's a really under appreciated guy and has qualities we need to have?" Roy asked before sighing, not bothering waiting for an answer, "I need to call Lilliana and give her an apology for how I've been neglecting her lately." Marth smiled and gave Roy a thumbs up. Someone had a brain... and it was Roy. Now pigs were going to fly.

Link suddenly pounced in between them, slinging his arms around his friends.

"Oh well I guess I learnt that but... no Zelda?" he laughed, a tiniest bit of remorse on his teeth. "I guess my lesson is that now is a good time to call the booty calls." The guys laughed and closed the door; leaving it unlocked so that Mario and all the brightest women in Nintendo could go back in when they were ready.

This story was made in honour of Summer in Australia and Mario.
How the hell did this go from crack to serious? I think the story lost some meaning because I was too tired to write in a few extra bits: I wanted to get this out on time
THIS STORY MAKES NO SENSE!

Starting time: 8pm 30th November
Finishing time: 12:45am 1st of December

Review if you want... I really don't care since I've been working on this for over four hours straight so... I don't know what I wrote... XP I won't double check it. I will sleep! Night/morning folks!