What the actual fuck is this?
The words seemed to mesh on my page. I had went over this in class for what felt like a million times, but when you slapped it on something as intimidating as a final exam, my knowledge seemed to fade away entirely.
This made no sense. I was Yuri Plisetsky, a freaking idol on ice. I could skate like a God in front of a crowd of thousands, but this stupid fucking piece of paper was shaking my world.
1). If Yuri has sixty pork cutlet bowls, and Victor eats ten of them, and Phichit eats half of six of them, and you throw in basil for no apparent reason, how do you project how many penguins will die due to global warming in 2026?
What the hell kind of question was that? The Environmental instructor told us at the beginning of the year that this class had math components, but this sort of problem was beyond my skill in math. Not to mention that there wasn't much relevance to be found within the question. What did pork cutlet bowls have to do with global warming and the penguin population? The question would have made more sense if it had asked about the population of swine at least.
But wait, that would make too much sense. I groaned. This class was literally spawned from Satan's asshole.
Okay, there has to be an answer here. Of course this shit was one of the five questions that wasn't multiple choice. I detested how teachers always made the hardest question the one they gave no aid.
I tapped the eraser of my pencil against my desk. Okay. So if Victor ate ten out of sixty, there are fifty left. And when Phichit eats half of six of them... Okay, he must of had three bowls in total then. So Yuri has forty-seven bowls left.
... And that tied into global warming and penguin mortality how?
"Mr. Plisetsky, please stop tapping your pencil on the desk. The rest of the class is trying to take an exam." Jeered the balding, unenthusiastic man who "taught" my class.
He was damn lucky I didn't break my pencil right then. That condescending tone tried to make it seem like I was some slacker. I was *trying* to take the test too, but this sadistic fuck decided to comprise a question with absolutely no correlation. Why did it even matter how many pork cutlet bowls that fat ass had if penguins were dying?
Okay. I remembered reading that 150,000 penguins died when a gigantic iceberg trapped them sometime this year, so that means at least 150,000 penguins have died due to global warming in 2016. Since that was the article we studied I could use that number as a start. But how could I guess how the percentage might increase in ten years?
I had no idea. I circled the question as a reminder to come back to it before the end of the test, but I didn't need to be wasting all my time trying to solve this convoluted problem. My gaze rested upon number two.
2). If Yuri wins the GPF and Victor marries him, and Yuri throws a bouquet of white roses at his wedding, how likely is it that
A. A thorn will prick someone's finger
B. Someone who is allergic to roses in general will be pricked by the roses
C. A thorn will prick someone who is allergic specifically to white roses
and D. Yuri will realize that a friend is allergic to the roses or realize the danger of roses entirely and choose a different flower.
Please be sure to show your work and answer all parts of the question
What I wanted to know was how that pig had managed to wedge his way so far into my life to the point that his name was showing up on my exams. I brought a shaky hand to my temples, and allowed myself to sigh. This was a fucking joke.
"Mr. Plisetsky!" The stern voice of my teacher piped up as soon as the sigh escaped my lips. "While you might have a thing for being melodramatic, the rest of the class are being adults and trying to take their midterm. Would you please be quiet before I have to give you a zero and assign you a detention?"
Oh, I fucking loved school. A place where you can be jailed for sighing, chewing gum, or accidentally forgetting a paper. Imperfections can be damned to hell. How lovely. My temper was reaching an all time high. I could feel my eyes begin to bulge, and involuntarily I gripped the edges of my desk. When I spoke up, my voice was weak from hardly-restrained anger. "Y-yes, I'll be quiet. Sorry."
Back to the question then. Okay, so pork cutlet fuck got married to Victor and threw roses. How likely was it that someone got hurt?
Well, he might not be the brightest, but he's probably smart enough to get the thorns taken off before the wedding…
Maybe that was the answer, surely it had to be one of those trick questions that my salty prick of a teacher loved to include on tests! I felt like I had finally triumphed, so for every section of that question I simply answered with, 'He would have gotten the thorns removed before the wedding, so there is no chance of anyone being pricked by the thorns.'
Getting that answer correct sent a wave of joy over my body. I had been so stressed over this exam, but maybe it wouldn't be as bad as I had expected. Sure, I would miss a few and I wouldn't make grandpa proud, but I would surely pass it. The rest of the test was multiple choice anyways, so this was going to be a breeze!
For a few moments I legitimately believed this. But then I got to the fourth multiple choice question.
6). If Phichit takes 80 selfies and Otabek is in the background of six of them, how many seconds will Phichit last under the pressure of Otabek's glare before he deletes them?
a. Six seconds
b. Eighteen seconds
c. A + B
d. All of the above
Remember: use the formula y=mx+b to calculate the slope of Phichit's willpower.
More like use y=mx+b to calculate the slope of my decreasing confidence in my intelligence as a result of this class.
Fortunately, I had a secret weapon that I learned in grade school, the year they began cramming standardized testing down our throats. When in doubt, Charlie out!
I could almost hear the sing-song voice of the teacher who initially relayed that advice to me. When you weren't sure of a multiple choice answer, the human tendency was to go towards the middle. C had the best chance of being correct. But there was one flaw with this.
"Remember, students," A flashback from my last year in junior high rang through my head, another lecture before a standardized test, "If you don't know the answer and one of the choices is all of the above, it is most likely all of the above."
I froze. All of the above and C were not the same answer. Which meant one of them was wrong and my formerly foolproof system was broken.
My hand shook as I lifted my pencil, trying to choose between the answers. Okay, if it was A+B, wouldn't that suffice as an all of the above answer? Why was all of the above a question? Why was Phichit's selfies and my best friend's anger included on an environmental science midterm? When did we even study this!? With an unsure hand, I filled in the blank for answer choice C. I gulped as soon as it was filled. I've never been more unsure of something in my entire life.
The test held a few more questions about slope, and I knew that my grade had went downhill from there. Questions about how the fusion of Piroshky and Pork Cutlet Bowls could change the future of farming in developing nations, how overpopulation was causing an increase in demand for proper ice skating rinks, among a sea of other irrelevant questions. The only question I knew I had right was the one question that made some sense.
What is the powerhouse of the cell?
The fucking mitochondria. I knew that beyond a shadow of a doubt. I slam-dunked my hand down on that desk and served that answer up hot. But even that question started to make little sense. Shouldn't that be on a biology exam, not an environmental exam? This class wasn't even real, was it. This was just a bad dream.
Finished with the exam, I stared down at it in absolute horror. I had failed to answer six questions, and the ones I had answered were not confident answers. It would be okay, I had time to go back and think carefully on these-
"Class, you have two minutes left."
Fuck my entire life. Two minutes. Six questions that would have confounded the smartest man on the planet. I was so fucked.
Without much thought, I gently placed my pencil on my desk and stood up. I wasn't going to finish this, it was futile to even try. Suppressing my anger, I still couldn't stop myself from snatching my paper from my desk and walking over to the teacher, slamming it down on the desk in front of him.
He rolled his eyes at me. "I see that attitude hasn't been fixed."
I narrowed my eyes. Don't say anything. You're almost free for break. Do not say anything.
My lips quivered as I forced my harsh words down my throat. I gave him a slight nod, forcing out the word, "Sorry."
The old man grabbed my paper and read over it with a disinterested look. "Since it seems like you struggled so much with basic questions, I suppose I'll let you go free. Your grade will be punishment enough."
I couldn't care less, so I just stormed back to my desk. Everyone around me was flashing me confused looks, as if somehow they managed to get easier tests than I and were dumbfounded by the fact I had not done well on it. I shot glares to anyone looking my way, and eventually everyone got the point that I wasn't going to take anymore shit today.
The bell rang soon enough, piercing through this academic hellscape like an angel. I quickly made my way out of the school, where I knew Victor and Yuri would be waiting to pick me up.
As much as I detested them sometimes, I've never wanted to see those fuckers more in my entire life. Yuri waved at me like an idiot and Victor flashed that dumb smile of his. I normally would say something snappy, but something strange happened.
I smiled. I couldn't wait to go home. Life was going to be better from here. Never again would I have to suffer that much in my whole life, never again would I-
"Make sure you are ready for exams tomorrow!" Yuri chimed from the front seat.
My heart dropped to the floor. I forgot that 3rd and 4th period exams were tomorrow, and 5th and 6th the next, and 7th on Friday… I nearly threw up. It was going to be a long week.