So yeah… kind of a personal story for me. I don't understand how "triggers" work really… but this will touch on eating disorders and self-harm. I just want to say to anyone out there who might read this and be fighting their own demons, you are strong, you are loved and you are beautiful.
It begins one day in dance class. For some unbeknownst reason, Jade had allowed Tori and Cat to talk her into joining them for jazz class. They've just gotten into their skin-tight, black leotards and are facing the floor length mirror. Tori and Cat giggle as they admire each other, twirling gracefully in front of the glass.
Jade stares at herself. She places on her usual mask of annoyance and dislike as she looks at her friends, pretending to be irritated by their childish antics. She wills herself to believe her anger is authentic, but she can't help the nagging feeling that perhaps she's just a tad jealous. She's notably bigger than the two girls beside her (she's not), and she feels like the ugly troll haunting the two beautiful princesses. She wants to leave (she can't.)
She's distracted the entire lesson, and when she accidentally bumps into Trina who had failed the class previously and was, unfortunately, repeating it with them, the older girl had hissed, "Move your fat ass out of my way" as she pushed Jade aside and resumed looking at her reflection.
For a few seconds Jade forgets how to breathe. She feels derisive eyes land on her. She might be paranoid, but she swears she notices some of the classmates snickering. Their scorning faces say it all,
"Fat. Ugly. Pathetic."
The voices don't leave her head until much later that day when Beck's driving her home from school.
"Beck, am I pretty?" She mumbles as Beck walks her to the front door.
Beck's about to let out a loud, barking laugh at the absurdity of Jade's abrupt question but sees the hidden insecurity in her blue eyes. Concern replaces amusement as he envelops her in a tight embrace.
"You, Jade West, are the prettiest girl I know." He says, bopping her lightly on the nose.
(Liar) Jade thinks, but she smiles gratefully up at her boyfriend before allowing him to kiss her forehead and bid her farewell as she walks into her dad's house for the weekend (yay for joint custody).
She finds herself again in front of a mirror, this time in her bathroom. She pinches the skin around her waist and abdomen, her frown deepening with each prod and poke. She traces her thighs and arms, sadness overtaking anger. She bites her lips hard to prevent the furious sob that is fighting to escape her throat. When had she let herself get so bad?
Jade would have sat there in front of the mirror all evening if the concerted screams from beneath her weren't so distracting.
Even through the thick walls and tiled flooring, she can hear the screeches of her step mum. She tries not to think back to her childhood and the endless screaming matches that once took place between her parents at all hours of the evening. It had progressively become worse till one day her mum had opened Jade's bedroom door, muttered a weak apology and left without so much as a minute's notice. Jade thought the screaming would stop now that her parents had finally split. She was only seven and she felt guilty for silently rejoicing in the hopes that things would finally calm down in her life. Too bad a nasty custody battle and dispute over money took up the better part of the next year. It makes her feel helpless, and if there's one thing Jade hates, it's not being in control.
She moves back into her bedroom and glances at her phone, only to see two new text messages. One is from Beck checking if she was okay (he's not really worried. He's just doing his duty as a 'good' boyfriend).
The other is from Cat. She wants to know if Jade will go audition with her and Tori for Sikowitz's new play tomorrow. What's the point? Tori was going to get the lead role. She was the pretty (skinny) actress that Sikowitz adored. Why would he want Jade? No one wants sloppy seconds. She was yesterday's news.
"Are you coming down for dinner?" Her step mum snaps from the doorframe.
"I've eaten." The words slip from between Jade's lips before she even had time to register them. Her step mum shrugs and walks away (she doesn't care). Jade's momentarily stunned by just how easy it is to make this excuse.
She hadn't eaten lunch that day and can already feel a dull ache of hunger in her stomach. It makes Jade smile. The pain gave her a twisted sense of accomplishment. It made her feel strong.
Jade looks at her stomach. She wants (needs) to change and she was going to.
At first, no one notices. And then they do. Surprisingly, it was Tori who spots the difference first. In the last two months, Jade's clothes had progressively seemed to hang looser and looser on the girl's lean frame. Tori's worry is increased when she observes Jade at lunches, watching her push her food around with her fork, generally not taking so much as a mouthful before throwing it in the closest bin.
Originally, Tori tries to dismiss her fears as paranoia. Jade was smart. She was healthy. She would never jeopardise her body. But then she catches Jade leaning weakly against her locker with both hands clasped tightly around her abdomen in apparent discomfort. She can't keep her fears hidden any longer. She confronts Beck at lunch.
"Is Jade eating, Beck?" Tori asks nervously.
"What? Tori, of course she is." Beck responds immediately.
"Are you sure? She's been looking very thin."
Beck stops to consider this. Honestly, he had sensed a change in his girlfriend. He had pinned it down to the drama at her home. He knew her dad was on the brink of divorce number two and could only imagine the emotions Jade was trying to bottle up.
"She's just a bit stressed, Tori. I'm sure she's fine."
"Okay." Tori finally agrees, seeming somewhat reluctant. "Just… look after her, Beck." Tori requests.
Later that night, Beck watches Jade more closely than ever.
"Why aren't you eating your pizza?" He asks, nudging her shoulder playfully to cover up his sudden rush of dread that creeps up his spine.
When had Jade's cheeks become so sunken? Why hadn't he noticed earlier?
"I'm just not hungry, Beck." Jade sighs.
Beck wants to protest, but she shuts him up with a sudden kiss (she can't let him discover her dirty little secret).
"I'm worried about Jade." Beck whispers to Andre one morning.
When Andre immediately drops his chemistry book to turn and face his tanned friend, Beck is reminded once again how much he values this man's friendship.
"What's going on?" Andre asks in concern. Jade was one of "his girls," and he would be damned if one of them was ever in trouble.
"Andre, I don't think she's eating." Beck admits quietly.
Andre wants to tell Beck he's being ridiculous, but everyone's noticed the shift in the (once) terrifying beauty. Jade had become sullen and silent. She didn't participate in class. Her fiery demeanour that had once demanded the attention of anyone who stepped foot in a room had dwindled to a flickering flame. Now she hid within herself, always shrinking back into her chair or Beck's embrace, praying to go unseen. She wore loose fitting black clothing. No accessories. No makeup. Her hair hung limp. She was still stunning to look at, but now in a tragic way.
"I'll see what I can do." Andre promises.
True to his word, the next morning in first period when the class was waiting for Sikowtiz to arrive, Andre cautiously approached Jade.
"Hey Jade, my grandma cooked some extra oatmeal this morning. You look like you could use some." He says with a pleasant smile (he sounds friendly, right? He mustn't scare her off).
"I've eaten breakfast already, Andre."
Tori and Cat watch her with accusing (worried) eyes.
"We had a make-up Jazz class before school today. When everyone else was eating, you said you weren't hungry yet and would eat later." Tori reminds her.
Cat's looking unsure and scared as she lightly pokes Jade's arm. She flinches when she feels more bone than flesh. "Jade, you're really skinny." She whimpers. "I think you should go to the doctors. I can lend you Mr Purple! He always comforts me when I'm sick."
"I'm not sick, Cat. And Tori, I ate a granola bar before this lesson. Can everyone just back off?" She yells.
"I'm sure you've worked up a bit of an appetite though with all that dancing." Andre suggests, still forcing himself to sound chipper but his heart feels like it's being squeezed in a tight fist.
"Yeah, and you ran to Hollywood Arts all the way from your house instead of driving." Cat adds.
Andre's brows shoot up at this information. Tori just stares sadly down at her lap.
Beck finally walks into the classroom. He was running late as he had made sure to stop by the store in the early morning to buy every single available food product that he knew Jade liked.
"Hey, what's going on?" He asks as he looks at Jade's furious stance. He protectively moves to stand beside her.
"Nothing." Jade hissed.
Robbie speaks up from the side of the room, "Jade says she's not hungry." He explains quietly, looking at his fingers intently. "She should be though, with all that exercise she's been doing."
Andre watches Jade's small frame tense up in anger. Even with Beck stroking the back of her head to soothe her, it's plain that something has made Jade very nervous. She sends Robbie a venomous glare before abruptly pulling up out of her seat and walking towards the door.
"Whatever. I don't need this. Especially not from you, Shapiro."
Beck nervously runs a hand through his hair, his eyes flickering between his bag of food and the door frame where Jade had just left.
Andre wishes he could offer up some words of assurance or comfort. Sadly, the only thing he manages to murmur to his best friend is, "Beck, I'm really worried about Jade too."
Beck and Jade have their worst fight since they got back together.
Beck wakes up at midnight to find Jade on his RV floor doing sit-ups. She had eaten only a few mouthfuls of lunch that day after Beck had whined, pleaded and finally guilt tripped her into doing, and she had point blank refused dinner (claiming she had an upset stomach).
"What are you doing?" Beck had yelled, demanding an explanation from his girlfriend who froze like a deer caught in headlights.
"Nothing. Just something to help me sleep."
"That's not nothing, Jade." Beck shouts. "This is crazy. You're acting crazy,"
Jade's flinch turns to a glare.
"Whatever. Mind your own business, Beck." She spits, getting up to leave.
She's pushed Beck too far this time though. He leaps out of bed and wrestles with her in his arms. He ignores her shrieks of protest as he begins to hoist up her oversized sweater. He then moves to yank the baggy trackie pants from her body before winching her in front of his closet mirror.
"LOOK AT YOURSELF." He demands. He's shaking with fury (terror) as they both gaze at her reflection. She looks broken. A ghost of a girl stares back at them, with legs and arms so thin that she looks like she might snap in half.
"I don't want to look at myself." She whispers. "I'm so fat. I'm so ugly." Beck thinks his soul might break. Instead, it's the mirror that shatters as he smashes his angry fists into it.
The screams are louder than usual tonight. Her step mother hurls accusations at her father, spitting out vicious taunts that cut deeper than they should. It's probably because they're all true.
"This is it? You neglect everything. Look at your daughter. Are you going to do something? Will you ever do something? Look at the big man, hiding away behind his work."
Jade squeezes her eyes shut and desperately wills that she was somewhere far away.
She calls up Cat hoping her energetic friend might be able to distract her, even just for a little while.
"Jade." Cat beams into the phone. "Hi! How are you? Why are you calling so late?"
"Just talk to me, Cat. Please. Say anything. Tell me about your brother."
"I-okay. Why though, Jade?"
How could Jade finds the words to describe the deafening sounds that overwhelmed her mind? It was no longer just the screams of her angry father and step-mum that rung loudly in her ears, it's also the aggressive jeers from the voices in her head that mock, "This is all your fault, Jade. Everything is your fault."
"I just need a distraction." She mumbles. "My thoughts are hurting my brain." She attempts to joke. Cat remains silent though, finally whispering,
"I know. I wish the voices in my head would stop too sometimes. They're not real though. You're stronger than them."
Jade wishes that she could agree with her little red headed friend. It's then the sudden realisation hits her. Somewhere in her desperate attempt to gain some control over her life, she had somehow become a slave to the darkness in her mind.
"Just talk." She begs. And so, Cat does.
Beck stops having sex with her. He becomes terrified of breaking her (the boy who has no fears has finally met his downfall). He used to love being on top of her. He loved to look down into her flaming eyes. He loved to caress her trembling body beneath him. He loved to sink his teeth into her tender flesh and kiss her till she was screaming his name. Now when he looked at her, he saw a skeleton of his girlfriend.
Jade knows he hates looking at her. It's quite obvious; she's awoken one too many times only to catch Beck gazing at her sadly in the early twilight. It's only when Jade snaps one night screaming,
"Why do you hate me? Am I so ugly (fat) that you won't touch me anymore?" that Beck breaks and crushes his lips on top of hers.
Her cheeks are so hollow, and as he tries to grip onto her waist, her forearms, even the back of her thighs, all he can feel is bone. By the time he's finished making love to her, tears are trickling down from his eyes.
She pretends not to see, choosing to snuggle into the crook of his neck, eyes tightly shut as Beck strokes her hair.
"You're beautiful." Is all he whispers. "You're beautiful." He repeats, and he continues to repeat this in breathless murmurs till she falls asleep.
School had been tough that day. Lane had called her into his office, wanting to discuss her rapidly dropping marks. The conversation soon turns to her rapidly dropping weight. She stomps out of his office before he's able to finish his sentence.
She drives to her dad's home for the weekend, expecting to enter a house of angry screams from her step mom and stony silences from her father. What Jade is not expecting is to see Beck's car in her driveway.
Nerves begin to twist in her empty stomach as she slowly creeps into the house. She can hear quiet voices coming from the kitchen. Cautiously she moves to place an ear to the door.
She can hear Beck's muffled voice, just making out a few of his words through the thick wood.
"Skinnier. Sick. Help. Therapist. Hospital."
The words pierce into her soul. She shakily steps back, her eyes widening in anger (fear), before finding the resolve to slam the door open and announce her presence. Beck looks alarmed. Her dad just looks tired.
"How dare you talk about me behind my back." She snaps, whipping out a pair of scissors and waving them around menacingly. "I am not some invalid who needs other to make decisions for me." She seethes.
Beck flinches, but that might be because as Jade had reached for her scissors in her skirt, her top had ridden up slightly only to reveal a sharp hip bone protruding through her skin.
"Baby, you need help." Beck exhales.
"No. I don't."
"Jade." It's her father who speaks now, his voice quiet yet sturdy. His tone with her seems more disappointed than usual. "I agree with your friend."
"Boyfriend." Beck interjects with a frown. Jade's father had never really liked him. The feeling was mutual.
Her father sighs but continues, "I agree with your boyfriend. You seem unwell. Tell me what I should do. Do I need to pay for a clinic? A psychiatrist? Whoever it is, Jade, tell me so I can be of some assistance."
Her father looks even more helpless than Beck, and for a brief moment, Jade wants to scream, "Just care about me, dammit. Just care." Instead she hisses, "No. You don't get to ignore me for 17 years then try and piece me back together. I'm fine. I'll look after myself. As usual."
The pity (regret) in his eyes makes her want to hurl. He opens his mouth, but it's Beck who speaks.
"Jade, listen to me. I don't know what to do. You won't let me help you. Jade, you're dying and it's killing me. You're killing me, Jade."
And Jade knows he means these words.
She ends up at Andre's house. She had wanted to go to Cat, but that girl was so emotionally fragile that Jade was scared she'd unravel at the seams. Tori was her second thought, but Jade was fearful of how well that girl could read her. So she flees to Andre's.
He holds her at first, rubbing her back and kissing her forehead as she explains the situation.
"They want to lock me up in some mental house, Dre." She whispers.
"Baby, we're all scared for you. Beck especially. We want our happy, healthy, scary Jade back."
"I want her back too." Jade admits. She can't help the tears of embarrassment (relief) that escape at this confession. "I just don't know how."
"We'll help you find someone to talk with. We'll fix you, baby girl." Andre promises.
Why are you here, Jade?
My boyfriend wants me to be here.
The therapist does not reply. Her eyes say it all though. Not good enough.
When Jade had agreed to speak with someone, everyone had rejoiced. Beck in particular who had showered his girl in praises and refused to let one negative word be spoken against her.
When Tori had tried to point out that it had been four weeks and Jade's diet and exercising habits had only seemed to be getting worse, Beck had snapped.
"She's getting better, Tori. We can't rush her. She's getting help."
"But the help doesn't seem to be working." Tori had exclaimed in exasperation.
"Drop it, Tori." Beck had snapped.
"Beck, listen to Tori. Jade's not getting any better." Robbie whispered.
"Not you too." Beck seethes, but his anger is subdued by the appearance of his girlfriend as she approaches the table. There's a collective intake of breath. The dark shadows under her eyes were strangely defined against her now sickly pale skin. Her face looked shockingly gaunt, and she moved with a slowness of someone in pain.
"Jade, where's your lunch?" Beck asks gently, shifting for Jade to seat herself beside him.
"Please, Beck, not today." She whimpers, resting her forehead against his bicep.
"Babe, you need to eat something." He ushers gently.
Andre, Robbie, and Tori look on at the scene in concern. No one wanted to intervene but everyone wanted to say something.
It's Cat who breaks the thick silence.
"Please Jade, I made you brownies. Can you eat at least one?" Cat pleads, her voice cracking slightly as she reached forward to pull out a neatly wrapped basket of brownies.
"I'm not hungry, Cat."
Beck's eyes snap shut. He takes deep, ragged breaths. Andre doesn't know who to reach out and hug.
"Please, Jadey. Please. I made them for you."
"No."
Tori finally cracks.
"You know what? You're a selfish gank, Jade. Can't you see you're not just hurting yourself? Don't you care about anyone else? It's not right. You – you disgust me." The words escape Tori's mouth before she knows they're coming. She gasps and claps both hands over her mouth.
The damage is done. Jade leans away from Beck's arm and looks up in horror, her eyes widening in shock before clouding over in shame. She gets up and leaves, ignoring the shouts of protest.
Jade had wanted to storm home (which had now almost indefinitely become Beck's RV – she didn't want to be near her father's destitute gaze or her step-mum's scorning eyes), but her grades were so low that she didn't think she could afford to miss another day of school.
Instead, she slumps by her locker, her forehead resting dangerously close to a pair of scissors. She doesn't find the strength to move to her next class when the first bell rings, signaling the end of lunch. Quickly there's a rush of noise in the hallways as people move to collect their books and prepare for the next lesson.
Robbie approaches his own locker, halting when he sees Jade frozen in place.
Robbie wishes he was braver. As much as he disagreed with Tori's harsh manner in Jade's vulnerable state, he wishes he had the courage to grab Jade and shake some sense into her. How could someone so seemingly perfect be so broken?
At first, he's silent as he gets his books from his locker. Jade doesn't move or acknowledge his presence. Robbie, who'd always been more emotional than the normal bloke, fights back tears as he watches her in his peripheral vision. How had they let her get so bad?
"I'm sorry Jade. I'm sorry that you're hurting so much. I wish I could take your pain away from you." Robbie whispers before he can stop himself.
He glances around feebly, before quickly placing a hand on her bony arm and giving it a light squeeze. He winces at how thin she is under her loose clothes.
"Don't worry about me, Robbie. I know you've got your own shit." And her eyes immediately flicker to his wrist. Most people wouldn't notice the (now) faded scars that crossed his wrist. Jade's eyes are always drawn to them though.
Robbie blushes and hides his hands behind his back.
"I didn't think you'd noticed."
"Yeah, well I did." Jade bites. "I used to wonder why you always wore those long sleeve shirts, even in Summer."
"I had to hide my scars." (don't we all – Jade thinks).
"Why did you do it?"
"I needed an escape. I needed to feel something."
Jade shoots him a quizzical look.
"My dad left when I was nine. Rex was his last gift to me, and for a long time, he was my only companion. Mum can hardly look at me the few times that she's even around. My father speaks to me as if I was his greatest disappointment. I was the loser at school and the reject at home. I felt lonely. It was like I was invisible."
"What changed?" She breathes.
"I realised people did care. Cat was a big part in that. Never in my life has a person beamed like I was their best friend in the entire world when I entered a room. She made me feel like I wasn't an unwelcome waste of space. So did everyone else. I mean, Andre would spend every afternoon practicing the guitar with me. Beck would come over and help work with me on my car. Tori would partner with me in class. And you. You were the silent carer. I know you stopped people from saying things about me. I know you stopped Trina from throwing Rex in the trash when we were freshmen. I know you screamed at Festus for giving me a sandwich without gluten free bread. I knew you cared, and if Jade West, terrifying, mean, talented, beautiful Jade West could find it in her heart to care about me, well then I began to think that perhaps I'm not as worthless as I originally thought."
Jade's hugging him before she even realises what she's doing.
Jade's resting on the bed in the RV where Beck is once again planting kisses on her stomach, his hands stroking her ribs.
"I love you." He whispers (begs). "I wish you would love yourself."
The knocking on the door prevents (saves) Jade from coming up with a response.
Tepidly, Beck removes himself from on top of Jade and opens the door.
It's Tori. She throws herself on Jade and breaks into sobs.
"I didn't mean what I said. I'm so sorry. I miss you so much, Jade. I miss your fire. Please come back to us."
Jade hardly registers her own tears, but she clutches Tori back for dear life. She unintentionally makes eye contact with Beck over Tori's shoulder. He looks helpless.
Jade nods once and both Tori and Beck freeze.
"Okay." She says.
"Okay?" Beck repeats, rushing to her side, his helpless look replaced with one of hope as he clutches her hand.
"Okay." She affirms.
"Why are you here?"
"I'm here for myself. I want to get better."
Her therapist smiles.
"Good. Then let's begin."
Please review. This was a very different writing style for me. I'd appreciate any feedback or comment made.