It's been a long week. A very very long week and I know I say that often. I say it… well I say it every week. But, its been one hell of a year, one hell of a life. I remember when I was younger I use to have energy to spare on a Friday night. I use to look forward to the weekends only because I could stay up as late as I could. Now, I just want to go home so I can kick up my feet and relax. It's not that I don't love my job, because i do, it's that it's just so tedious. It's my life. Which is okay since i don't have a personal life anyways. So, if i didn't have a job that ate all my spare time, what would i have? I would have an empty apartment staring back at me and a dog would be the only living being i would communicate with other then my family. So, for my job, i am thankful. I am thankful because it doesn't leave me with time to think about how truly non existent my personal life is. The only person i ever see outside of work (except drinks with the guys at the Robber) is Maura. Maura. I should see what she is doing. Maybe she'll come over for drinks. Someone here would be nice right now and if that someone is Maura, it would be really nice. I pull my phone out of my pocket and quickly scroll to Maura's name.
What are you doing? Please tell me you're free.
Getting up to open my next beer, i swing open the fridge to see that i'm out. Grunting, i walk back into my living room and fall onto the couch. I can go out, get dressed and get me some but that all takes energy that i feel like i just don't have. Leaning over to the coffee table to retrieve the remote, i feel my phone vibrate. I push my hand under my ass where my phone is still vibrating. Swiping to the right, i unlock it to see Maura has texted me back.
Define free? I am relaxing, enjoying a documentary on Eastern Chinese medicine and sipping a delicious Merlot. What are you doing?
Laughing at Maura's idea of relaxing, i start typing back. I am not going to even comment on your idea of relaxing. But, know that i am chuckling at the thought. Well, i am out of beer and laying on the couch. Wanna come over? I don't know how i feel about documentaries but we can watch mindless television.
Unlocking my phone a few moments later to a yes, i get off the couch and head to the bathroom. Looking at myself in the mirror and refusing to think about how tired and old i seem to be looking lately, i quickly shed my clothes and jump into the shower. 15 minutes later, my towel is wrapped around tightly around me and my teeth are brushed. Thinking i only have a few minutes until Maura is here, i flee the bathroom. I walk down the hallway to the living room to grab my phone to text Maura. Maybe she can bri…"Oh" i exclaim as i turn the corner to my living room. Sitting on my couch, wine in hand, sits Maura. As i realised my current state of undress, i try and cover my chest more than the skimpy towel provides. "I didn't realise you were here. I was just grabbing my phone to see if you could grab me some beer on the way over."
Locking eyes, Maura pauses on sip of her wine. Lowering her hand she says, "I am sorry. I thought since you weren't answering you must of been in the shower. I should've called first or waited outside i suppose…"
"No, Maura, it's fine. You're not waiting outside of my door. Ever. That's stupid. I don't mind, really, i just wish i would of known so i could of been...you know.. dressed. No biggie."
"Well, in that case, i actually did get you beer on the way over. It's in the never seem to have a fully prepared fridge. I bought you two different brands, both you prefer if i recall."
Turning around and heading towards my room, i throw a thank you over my shoulder, and escape into the darkness. 10 minutes later, i am fishing out a beer from my fridge. Quickly walking over to Maura, i again plop down and flip on the tv. I can feel the tenseness in the air. It's silly, really. Maura has seen thousands of naked bodies. Stark, fully naked, dead bodies. And even though I don't want to think about it, she has seen fully naked live bodies too. But, the fact is, she's never seen mine. And i wanted to keep it that way. I am full of bruises and scars. In my opinion, there isn't a feminine patch of skin on my body. While hers is nothing but. Shaking my head free of any inappropriate thoughts, I turn to Maura.
"I am sorry about my little freak out earlier. I just wasn't expecting you here. We don't have to sit here like you did something wrong cuz it's fine, really. What do you wanna watch?"
Not breaking the focus her eyes seem to have to anything in front of her that wasn't me, Maura says, "I've seen plenty of naked bodies in my day, Jane, and you had a towel wrapped around you. I'm sorry you're so uncomfortable with me seeing you in a state of undress but i assure you it's nothing to be embarrassed about. As for what to watch, a movie would be nice. Other than that, it is up to you."
Flicking the remote several channels higher, i settle on a mindless action movie that i know both of us have already seen. Leaning my head on the arm of the couch and curling my knees to my stomach, i look over at Maura again. "I wasn't uncomfortable, Maura. I just don't care for you seeing my body, is all. I'm sure you've seen you've seen all the parts before but that doesn't mean i wanted you to see mine. Mine are… i just… different. I've been through a lot physically and my body has the stories written all over it. And i don't like it."
Smiling with a sad smile, Maura puts her hand on my thigh and refuses to break eye contact with me. "Your extremely brave, Jane. Your body shows that. Please don't be too harsh on yourself. You're very beautiful, with or without your scars. I'm sure the people you've allowed to see you, all of you, would agree with me a hundred percent."
"Men usually don't care for scars all over your body. I would assume they would prefer more your body type than one of a grown up boy. It's… Never mind, Maura. We're getting off base. Let's just watch the movie."
As she turns her head back to the TV, i look down on the hand that hasn't left my thigh. She has beautiful hands. No scars. No cuts Nothing. Just beautiful well manicured hands. They even look delicate and soft. Side by side, our hands would look like different races, genders, and ages. Any man, hell any person, would be so lucky to have her hands in their own. Realising no one would think of my hands in such a way, i turn back to the TV, determined to stop being so weak. I chose this life. A life of dangerous situations, harmful criminals. I gave up my right to feel pity about things that were my choice. Two hours later, with a quick wave and smile, I am left alone in my apartment. Not fully aware of the late time until recently, i summon the energy to clean off the coffee table. Three beers for me and a wine glass for Maura. The only clue left behind that someone was here other than myself. Smiling, i turn the sink on and rinse out the glass. It was like 2 people lived here. It was like this was a shared home. Our home. Shaking my head of my silly thoughts, i flip off the light and head to bed. Right before I hit the hallway i hear my phone vibrate on the coffee table. Turning around, i see that someone has texted me. The light fills the room as i squint to see who it was from. Clicking Maura's thread I read…
Every body is beautiful, Jane. I know you must not find yourself attractive due to your scars, but i assure you that you're wrong. You expressed feeling like a grown up boy. I don't think your opinion of yourself is accurate at all. For instance, I know of no boy with beautiful thick hair like yours.I know of no boy whose legs look as good as yours in heels, not even my own or a body as perfectly sculpted as yours. Defined enough to be athletic but curvy enough to be sexy. You are a tough and brass Detective. But, you are also a very gorgeous and sexy woman. Don't forget that. I'll text you when i awake, maybe we could go to a movie tomorrow afternoon? Talk to you than, Jane.
And just like that, my heart feels like it is beating out of my chest. My hand is shaking holding the little electronic and i'm pretty sure my knees are wobbly. Mouth agape, i slowly head towards my bedroom. Pulling back the covers, i finally let my phone out of my hand. And as i recall the text again, thinking about the words Maura used to describe my body, a slow smile fills my face. Feeling like I couldn't possibly smile any bigger, I turn on my side and slip into a blissful sleep.