All I want is to leave. I don't want to be doing this, I don't want the fight, I don't want to win, I don't want to lose, I don't want to lose you. I'm not strong enough but I want to have won and I know I have to make that happen and I know how I must try but I don't know how I will.
I'm in over my head and it's sink or swim but I never learned how.
I could leave, hide; it's been done before. Gabriel, Anna, assuredly more, have left and kept off the radar, and I'm not strong but I know I could, I've learnt from the best. But I don't want to run, I don't want to have to look over my shoulders forever; this way I only have to look until the end and that would be sooner and I can, must last that long.
But I can't win. I'm not strong, I'm a warrior among legions, a face in the crowd, a rule-follower and he knows, tells me bold-faced to kneel to him and I consider it until he says that your fighting would be for naught and I can't and that's as amazing to me as you are.
I say no and I wish I hadn't but I couldn't not and I couldn't let it happen but I don't know what I can do because I can't win, I can't, he's an archangel and his power is unimaginable and how could I ever dare to face up to him?
As I see it, there are two options: fight or flight. I am too weak to fight and I am too weak for flight – but only if I am alone. So I need you to tell me what to do, to come with me, to hide.
If I asked you to escape with me, what would you say?
I fly to you, but I don't see the Impala and why are you in the suburbs oh yes, Lisa so I don't appear immediately.
Your house is nice. I don't understand why you are gathering leaves, you hardly look content, and I need to talk to you and you're alone so I should just appear now but maybe Sam was right. Maybe you need Lisa.
Maybe you don't look content, but you look healthier than before. You have deeper lines by your eyes and I know that comes from smiling, your belly is a little less round but you don't look gaunt so I know you've been eating better and your jeans look less wrinkled so you must not be sleeping in them anymore, which is good and I assume because of Lisa because it's not 'normal' to sleep in jeans, is it?
If you came with me you'd sleep in jeans.
We wouldn't stay.
But I should ask.
I need your help and I need to know what the right course of action is. I need to not be involved in this and you always have a solution, a way to win, you haven't lost yet and if you have you always come back and humans would say you have an angel on your shoulder but you're the angel on mine and maybe I should just ask Sam.
But Sam is busy and has he told you he's back yet I'm sure he must have. You chose to stay with Lisa and that means you're happy, you're better, you've escaped what the psychiatrists called dangerously co-dependent and you must really love Lisa and Ben I can't interrupt that.
You didn't leave for Sam, you wouldn't leave for me.
But maybe Sam hasn't told you why wouldn't he, he must have and maybe you're staying because you have nothing better what could be better than family you're very good with Ben and maybe you'd enjoy helping me why would you choose me going back to your roots those years weren't good you always said you loved hunting you couldn't have and maybe it's different but maybe it's better running from the wrath of heaven would not be better and together we would be good for me.
What would happen if I asked you? If I asked you to leave suburbs and real family and making pancakes and eating salad and gathering leaves and tidy jeans? If I said I need you and help me? Would you escape with me?
I would probably fall, but I can't imagine anyone who would help me adjust better than you. You understand me, somehow, somehow grasp me better than others and that you forget that I am an angel can surely only help and falling wouldn't be so bad because it puts a limit on how long I would run and I wouldn't be fighting and you would help me. You'd let me eat burgers because you've never been an advocate for healthy eating and you've been a father now but you always were and you could teach me how to live and I don't want anyone else's lessons.
You'd protect me as I once protected you, you are fierce in that and if you agreed to come with me then surely that fierce protectiveness must exist for me because why else would you join me? I would try and return the favour but you wouldn't let me because I would not be able to do anything I am worth nothing to you but you'd laugh about it and that's okay.
We could find somewhere to stay and before my powers escape we could carve my ribs and fix an abandoned house to be safe from angels and I could find somewhere else to stay until I could get in and you could cook like you do for Ben and Lisa and it would be warm in winter and more comfortable and more safe than travelling all the time, I'm sure we could do that.
We wouldn't be able to make friends. We wouldn't be able to leave. For all I say you could teach me how to, we wouldn't be able to live.
You're happy with Ben and Lisa. You wouldn't say yes.
So maybe I should say goodbye.
But maybe I should just let you be.
Maybe you would say yes.
"Ah, Castiel. Angel of Thursday. Just not your day, is it?"