I didn't expect it to hurt so much. If anything I had anticipated a certain uneasiness, a time of transition. Nothing we hadn't faced before. I think I never realized how many things would change. How many things I'd be missing. How much time we really spent together, how much I had come to rely on his presence.

He excused himself right after we had finished work, completed the last reports. Politely, kind. He always is. But tonight this kindness has almost been my undoing and I still don't know how I found the strength to tell him goodnight.

Had I known what was about to come afterwards, I'd probably instructed Tuvok that I did not want to be disturbed under any circumstances. I'd have gone to bed and pulled the covers closely around me. Protectively, as I do almost every night. Knowing that it is an illusion I should have given up long ago. There is no protection in this part of the galaxy, there is no protection in love and war.

But after he left I went back to work, taking next week's duty roster with me. Anything to keep my mind busy. Busy with work. When my door chime rang I answered it immediately. Looking forward to any distraction it might bring, even if it was something as exhausting as another engineering catastrophe. Honestly, I never expected it to be him.

He must have been standing in the doorway for quite some time, before I was finally able to find a coherent thought and a steady voice to call him in. Desperately wishing for something as grave as a Borg attack. But of course nothing happened. Life in this quadrant is seldom kind.

He looked a little worried, nervous even. Which told me plainly what was about to come. Unconsciously I steeled myself for battle, squared my shoulders, straightened my back. Found my arms crossed in front of my chest. Something that didn't go unnoticed by him. He knows me as well as I do him. Or so I thought until a week ago. The reason he is here tonight - I never saw it coming.

I motion him over to the couch and we sit down. My arms are still crossed tightly because I can't think of any other way to stop my hands from trembling. He isn't exactly relaxed either, but determined. Oh yes, that's something else he can be. In a much more subtle way than I am, I suppose, but nevertheless. He is a man of strong believes, and ready to put his life on the line for them. An integer, caring man. Ready to give his life for the people he cares about.

When I look at him I suddenly know that this is probably one of the reasons that created his relationship with Seven. He still is the Angry Warrior whose heart finds peace in fighting the battles for somebody else, in being needed. Something I have more and more denied him over the years, perhaps because he told me about it. Perhaps because I knew that it would eventually tell him to move on. Something I never could.

I rather fight my own battles, inside and outside. I don't want the responsibility of constantly giving someone the feeling of being needed. And the Delta Quadrant has only served to hone my independency. My loneliness as well, but all that time I had considered it a small price to pay. It served to keep me going, fueled my efforts to bring this ship home. I never realized that what Chakotay had tried to tell me so many times, was true. I have never been truly alone. Even if it sometimes felt like it.

Now I know better. In just a few weeks I learnt what it meant to be alone. And I don't think I have ever felt more lonely before. A captain's fate? I don't think so anymore. No, this is the road I chose to take, and I don't want the pity I've detected in the eyes of some. Nor the compassion I know I'll find in his eyes. Along with a deep sadness. Not for us, but for me.

He knows I have spent all the previous evenings on my own. Went to the messhall alone. Even my holodeck appointments with Seven are non-existent now. And probably will be until her excitement over a newly found discovery has dissipated a bit. Yes, Seven is on a quest for love. Like a teenager, really, not bothering with much discretion, although Chakotay has tried to keep their relationship private so far.

I should be happy for Seven. Proud that the seed I planted against all odds is finally flourishing. Opening its petal in a beautiful, touching way. Happy that the Angry Warrior, who has given so much of his life to me, finally gets something in return. Gets to share the joy and the deep contentment of a heart at peace. So why do I feel like a woman who has just found out that her lover is sleeping with her... niece? Well, the laugh's on me, and it's nothing but cynic bitterness that floods my tongue, when I try to make it sound.

It's disgusting, it's uncalled for, and it's humiliating. And looking at him, I only fear that he can read it all in my eyes. And there's nothing, not even the knowledge that I have absolutely no rights here, that keeps my shame at bay.

How I can be so selfish is beyond me. I thought I could handle this with grace, with respect to two people I love, but apparently this is as much an illusion as anything else. There is no excuse for my behavior, and if our friendship will not survive this it's because of me, not because he fell in love with Seven.

I could not speak if my entire life depended on it. And I have a strange feeling that it does. So I reach for the next PADD lying on the table, and type in a few words, almost blindly, saying that I'm sorry, that I just hope he knows I am happy for them. And without looking I push it over to him.

He will understand, I'm sure, but that doesn't make it right. Just one more time where I'm the one who takes, he's the one to give.