A/N: This is a fic centered on Yuri's BED with slight mentions of bulimia. This is my first attempt at an actual ~finished story~
Mostly this is a self-projection put it into words. I am so sorry for anyone suffering from any of this. This story has been sitting unpublished for over a year. Well. I did it. Here it is. I can't work on this story a /lot/ since it has so much angst and plot workigs bc its a lil personal. but ill do the updates to finish this story even if it takes many months.

enjoy~

ch1

My stomach was full; absolutely full.

It was full to the capacity with food.

I knew I could fit more due to my emotions, I could feel tears at the edge of my eyes.

Fatefully, I knew I had to do it. I checked each wrapper, sighing as I checked multiple times at the labels. My fingers were dancing the next few minutes as I logged the whole mess into my phone. I grabbed all the wrappers in one hand and buried them all deep in the garbage; to the bottom of the can. That was were I was headed after three months of being clean from all of this and one close call. This was shameful but it was so he wouldn't see.

God damn.

The emotional binge eating hindered me. I needed to stop since I needed to drop some to get good times so I could get top places. Now was the time to train my guts out but it was morning and I had already eaten three times my goal intake for maintaining my weight; maintenance.

My muscles ached already but that was no excuse.

I had to do do extra practice today...my rest day…and possibly being a poked at by Viktor for eating like a glutton if he found out. No. Not this time, I can't be a pig this year because there is so much was riding on my success. I knew Viktor knew small bits of two years ago of my nervous-binge-eating; that it got in the way of me qualifying even for finals.

Feet: mine in the kitchen and eyes planted to Viktor's and my room.

The thought of him looking at me in disappointment or disgust because of me gaining weight sent a shiver down my spine.

A sigh from my lips and another trip to the fridge.

My waterbottle was waiting for me dutifully full and I drank big gulps from it, my stomach arguing and soothed all at once.

"Bye." I said quietly to no one, heading out the door.

Maybe the farewell was to my streak or to the close relationship that I knew I would widen with binge eating.

That was always the case when I knew I was taking the steps to spiraling.

With my phone secure and my running shoes on, I started with a hard seven mile run around town. During the run my phone vibrated but I was too far into the run to answer it coherently; I would be panting into it like a dog.

I got to the track safely but winded.

My phone vibrated again.

My hand drifted to my shoulder strap for my phone but it switched off to home screen just as I was going to get it out.

Hm.

I paused, putting my hands on the chain link fence, grass underneath my bare feet. Maybe I should call him back. I did some leg swings and some easy stretches to get loose. Now I had to do drills on the soft grass then maybe another seven miles easy. This was a medium workout but would erase all the damage and then some.

Wait- I held my head.

I felt a small wave of dizziness.

No.

No.

NO!

But I already got my "fuel" for today, this couldn't happen.

Anxiety was mounting up in me, I felt my energy wavering so I put my forehead on the fence for some time.

My heart was racing erratically, it seem to stop as I felt a hand resting on my head. It pulled me back into reality.

I jumped a beat later.

The owner of the hand said, "Well…looks like someone read the schedule wrong and forgot to answer their phone…"

I froze under the touch of the lightly placed hand on my head.

The wooziness and slightly pukey feeling was replaced by panic.

A different anxious fervor mounted inside me.

"You know its a rest day, why are you in front of the track?…all sweaty? Did you just-…? What's wrong Yuuri?" Viktor, my coach asked, my hands were turning white from gripping the fence.

I could feel my face heating up, still facing away from him.

"Ah…...Uh…." I felt a small stomach jab and winced, I was still full but I was still oh so dizzy.

"Kakiye-What?" He sounded confused now, "Yuri. Face me. Why are you acting like this?"

I turned slowly around with a faint breath on my lips, I was face to face with the Russian runner that I have been coached underneath for a little over a year now.

Both our eyes held intense but different gazes. My back was against the fence now. Trust, faith, loyalty all lay in this man and so much more. But there were things I still kept….like how bad my binge eating really was.

….Magazines.

….TV.

….Blogs.

They all covered the to be winners and maybes. Ever since I got a rallying but bittersweet second, much attention was being placed on me.

Attention was directed towards what I ate in a day, training schedule and even how my family was. It was that hard to deflect them but they always found a way to find out things and publish them anyways.

Man. Ever since they found out about my crazy training schedule without my extra workouts...it would be hell if they found out about my eating...habits.

I wheezed aloud at that thought.

"Woah Yuri-"

I blinked, now I was looking at my shoes, gaze drifted from pure rapid thoughts.

"What?"

"You spaced out for a second." He looked uncased.

He turned from worried to intense with a rough: "Listen. To. Me."

Viktor pushed me against the fence lightly. His hands were on my shoulders, his foot placed close to the fence. If he stood any closer. In public? His chest was an inch away from mine.

The summer sun came over the horizon.

I gulped.

"Stop having anxiety about the competition. Its just a race. You, like any other runner in this race needs time to help recover from going hard...its just not good for your body to do too much. Do the drills, whatever. Go easy though." He ordered.

He took a strong step back and I breathed out.

"Wait- I didn't tell you I was doing drills?"I questioned.

He smiled at this replying easily, "I know more than you think hon."

"Ok..." I shoved my uneasy feelings down.

"I'll watch your form." He replied to this.

I nodded and went to the grassy football field.

"Wait. But-Yuuri-my sweet piglet!?" He raised his voice.

I stiffened.

I looked to him, he was leaning against the fence now, easily.

His stare turned to stone, it turned to the stern coach that I once met long ago. This was why he was so famous, his commitment to his clients.

But he never pulled this face with me.

I gulped.

"Don't let me catch you not doing the schedule. The extra mileage can hurt you. I don't want that for you." He said sweetly with the tense gaze.

"Okay." I turned around to get in position.

Easy skips. I started doing drills and my mind wandered. I overdid it this time though I was going to do more. I can't do this behind his back!

I can't be doing this stuff. But still...I deserved this because the name was still a thing. My jaw clenched from his once endearing piglet name. I hated that name. I loathed it.

Bitter tears were at the edge of my eyes and I shook my head, fighting them back.

I turned around and did butt-kicks halfway then switched to high knees. By the end of my drills I wasn't misty eyed but instead I felt worse than earlier. So many feelings were inside of me but one surfaced more above the rest.

Turmoil.

A want to end it but a want to continue.