Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and I do not own the rights to D. Gray-man. Exerts have been borrowed from the anime/manga and those exerts are written in italics and "quotes". Any changes made to the quote are [bracketed]. This was used to change uses in pronouns to suit the situation more. All exerts belong to the respective translators for the D. Gray-man English subtitle and manga translations.
Author's note: It will be a little easier to understand this if you've read chapter 119-121 or watched episodes 88-89.
Do you know? For what purpose does the Bookman exist?
Do you know? For what purpose does the Bookman exist?
"You're not comrades. Bookmen are just onlookers. For the sake of his records, he just walked alongside you guys."
Bookmen are onlookers.
They observe the world and record the histories that will be hidden from mankind. Their jobs require them to become anyone and everyone for the sake of fulfilling their duties. They will discard everything for this calling; companions, friends, comrades, their identity, a place to call home, a heart to call their own. None of those are as important as the duty to record that which will be buried.
They do this because…
"Ink does not talk to the calligrapher. Does your heart grieve for every trail of ink you leave behind?"
Humans are nothing more than traces of ink on paper.
Waging countless wars in the name of peace, destroying one another in the name of justice. Each one of them fading into the darkness leaving nothing behind but their bones. Ink blots on the grand scheme of the world's passing.
Therefore…
"No matter what we have to abandon, for that single purpose outside the frame of the world, we Bookmen continue to live."
Bookmen continue to live outside the frame of the world, abandoning everything.
We are strangers. We take no sides. Bookmen form no true connections. We will not betray you, but we will not help you. We will only watch you. We will watch you rise, we will watch you fall. Even if you reach your hand out and beg us to save you, we will only watch you as we record your demise. Like outsiders looking at a moving painting as it tells its tale, memorizing every detail, every movement, and every sound until the painting destroys itself from the inside out.
To fulfil their duties…
"[Their] vision will just let [them] be confused…If [they] cast away [their] eyes, [they] can stay calm. [Their] ears too...don't listen."
Bookmen must cast away everything.
They need not become attached with the ones they are recording. Their "hearts", "eyes", and "ears" will only confuse them. Their "eyes" are meant to take in all that surrounds them. Their "ears" are meant to hear all that is said. Their "hearts" are meant to be empty so that they themselves do not affect the purity of the history they are recording; they are emotionless phantoms that scour the earth and haunt the battlefield, forever observing, forever recording, forever gazing at mankind's downfall with unfazed eyes.
I am the one who will succeed the Bookman.
"'Lavi' is the 49th alias. With just what number the alias was, I went and viewed battles. The hidden history is handed down from person to person and excluded from the historical fact. 'You can know something that no one knows' with just that, I accepted becoming a Bookman."
So I will chase after the future to record the past. Stories hidden from what humanity dictates as the "true history". Tales discarded from the eyes of mankind, thrown away into the abyss. 48 times I did this.
And I found…
"No matter where we go, it's just battles, battles and battles. I get it already, that humans are stupid."
That's why there's no reason to trust them…
"[I'll] be frivolous and friendly, like always."
I'll lock away that which is not needed to record this world's truth. I'll stand beside you but I won't become attached. I'll blend in and become one of you and yet still be apart from you. I'll smile but it won't mean a thing, because Bookmen do not have hearts.
But it doesn't matter because if I am observing these guys…
"Someday, I wonder if these guys too will be excluded from history?"
But now it's different.
"1 year and 2 years. The time spend in The Order passed on I soon came to the point where I didn't know whether my smiling face was a lie or not."
How had I let it come to this?
"Don't be taken in by the war we are only on The Order's side 'by chance' all for the sake of recording history."
That is the truth. I am Bookman's heir. I do not feel because Bookmen do not have hearts. Bookmen do not form attachments. Bookmen do not take sides. Bookmen do not makes friends.
Yet…
"Gramp's words made me feel pain."
The more I know, the less I understand.
Humans are foolish, ugly and disdainful. They only know how to start fights and quarrels. Since humans are just that, shouldn't it have been easy to not feel anything for them? If I stopped thinking that they are hateful…would I start to open myself up to them? But I am Bookman's heir. I'm not allowed to feel.
…
"Not allowed."
Does that mean I feel? Does that mean I'm not empty? That even though my emotions and heart should have died long ago…do they still exist? Did they reawaken with the 49th 'me'?
The Bookman heir inside of me screams at my incompetence.
"What's with your reaction? This is just a blob of ink, 'Lavi'."
"You can't keep quiet and just watch anymore, right? You are a failure 'Lavi', you aren't a Bookman anymore!"
"You are a failure as a Bookman, 'Lavi'."
He wants to burst out. Set us on the right path.
"Because 'I' am the real 'you'. 'I' will succeed the role of the Bookman. 'You' will vanish...'Lavi'."
It's only right. If the 49th me can't persevere and pursue my duty, then I should let the "Bookman" in me fulfil it. The 49th me…the one that's different from all the others…should disappear.
But I didn't want that.
Perhaps…
"This is all because of my inexperience."
Or perhaps I've learned a different way. Perhaps I've come to understand something else.
Tell me, the Bookman hidden inside. If you and I are truly so different, then why are you crying? Why are you crying as you ask the very same questions the 49th me has asked countless times?
"Why 'Lavi'? The 49th 'me'.?You're a part of me. But why aren't you the same as me until the 49th , before becoming 'Lavi'? Why are you so different from me until I became the 49th?"
Different? Yes. But what is the difference?
"Why is the 49th me suffering so much? Why?"
Suffering? Yes. But why do I feel at peace?
"Did you give up being a Bookman, Lavi? Do you choose to fight for temporary comrades?"
Did I give up? No. To fight? Yes. I chose to fight. To stand alongside the people that look at me with eyes that fill me with warmth. But…why?
"Humans are a foolish species that keeps waging war, right? It's hard not to be worried unless you think like that! I have a responsibility as a member of the Bookman clan!"
I see. That's it.
"Lavi", the 49th me, is different. The 49th me is beginning to believe. No, not the 49th me. All 49 of me. I'm starting to believe that humans are not only capable of war; they are capable of selfless sacrifice, unshakable trust, powerful love, and gentle warmth.
I have lost the only thing that allowed me to kill my heart: my hatred for humanity.
"I am worried. I lost faith in humans and the human world which just kept on quarreling. I wanted to believe that I was different."
But I'm not.
So I asked the Bookman within me.
"Do you know? For what purpose does the Bookman exist? Why won't war disappear from the human world?"
But the only answer I receive is a question.
"Why are you asking me? I don't know!"
Yes, you do. Not the "you" right now. The "you" right now doesn't know. Because it wasn't until the 49th "you" that you began to understand.
"'I' am you, right? 'Me' until I became the 49th and 'Lavi', the 49th, are both 'me'."
That's right. We're the same. But only if you accept the 49th as a part of yourself.
"You're the one who's asking questions."
But the 49th "you" is starting to understand the answers.
"You're the one who's beginning to change."
Because you and I are the same. If I'm changing, so are you.
To the me before the 49th…you are…
"The one who should get out of here...the one who wanted to know the answer…"
You are the one that needs to open your eyes to the truth that has been thrust upon you. Thrust upon "us".
All 49 of us.
Why must the Bookmen never become attached? Why must they never feel? Why must they travel like the wind, sweeping past places and never remembered?
Was it for the sake of history?
No, it was for the sake of the Bookmen.
If the Bookmen are allowed to feel, they will break.
Because a Bookmen's duty is to watch with unbiased eyes.
Because they must not interfere with the history that they are recording.
Because they must not disturb the players within the act they are committing to their logs.
But a Bookmen's job is of the greatest importance. It is something that must be done.
So, let me ask again.
Do you know? For what purpose does the Bookman exist?
They exist because they must record the points in history where great changes occur. They exist because they must guard mankind from learning that which they are not ready to understand. But most importantly, they exist because these excluded histories must never be forgotten.
-End-
Thank you for reading! Suggestions, comments and critiques are more than welcome!