I have trouble sleeping at night. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to sleep. I'm afraid to close my eyes. It's the same fear I felt as a child. The fear you have knowing you're not safe in your own bed. Sometimes when I close my eyes I can still hear him yelling. I can still hear the sound of his hand across her face, and the sound of her screaming in pain, then begging him to stop. I can hear the names he called her over and over again in my head, like someone hit repeat on a CD player. I can also still smell the alcohol on his breath. I can't remember a time when I didn't smell it. The scariest part was when it got quiet. I would listen for the footsteps, hoping he wasn't coming for me next. He never did, but I never stopped being afraid that one day he would.
The quiet didn't last for to long. The crying was next, his not hers. He would always cry when he sobered up a little, and realize what he had done. He would start begging for her forgiveness. The crying would get louder a she joined him. She always forgave him. The house would once again grow silent as after they went to bed. It would stay that way until the next night, when it would start all over again.
I would stay awake a little while longer just to enjoy the peace, dreaming of the day when I would be safe. Even now as an adult lying in the arms of the man I love, knowing I'm safe I still can't sleep. Now it's my turn to cry, for the fear I know will always be there.