Everything Wrong with The Land Before Time III: The Time of the Great Giving
in 6 minutes or less
Spoilers!
(duh)
Narrator: A long time ago, at least 35 hundred million years ago...
Are we seriously going to go through this all again? (ding)
Narrator: And the mightiest of these creatures (raises his voice) was called...
The dinosaurs. We know! You don't have to be more dramatic about it than you were last time. (ding)
On top of getting the same old narration as the last two movies, we get our second roll call of all the lead characters' names. (ding)
Cera: I found another one. I found another one.
Finding another rock warrants singing to the "nah nah nah nah nah nah" tune. (ding)
Character stops in front of bullies and the shot pans up to see their faces cliche. (ding)
Littlefoot: Hi Hyp. Can we have our rock back please?
So Littlefoot clearly knows Hyp, but he asks politely to have their rock back as though he doesn't know what a bully Hyp is. Did he just now decide that he wanted to be an asshole to them? (ding)
Littlefoot: We were just playing with it.
Cera: So give it back, Hyp.
Rocks are as irreplaceable as Ozzy's dinner. (ding)
Hyp: But I didn't hear you say please.
But you heard Littlefoot say please. You know? (ding)
Cera confesses the little harm she does by running her face into things. (ding)
So it's Hyp the hypsilophodon, Nod the nodosaurus, and Mutt the muttaburrasaurus. Subtle. (ding)
Cera: Daddy!
Ducky and Petrie: Mom!
Littlefoot: Grandma! Grandpa!
Movie finds it necessary to show all five of our heroes shouting for their folks. (ding)
(Petrie clings to Littlefoot's nose)
Littlefoot: (in nasal voice) Petrie, you're hurting my nose.
Littlefoot talks in nasal voice, even though his nostrils are on top of his head, and Petrie is clinging to his nose. (ding)
Hyp: You can splash in all the puddles/gulp and slurp and swig
I kind of wonder exactly how many big people would want to do half this stuff. (ding)
Hyp: The world is wetter when you're big
Woah! Keep it clean, guys! You may have had the talk, but these young children sure haven't. (ding)
Hyp: First, we chase them. Second, we catch them. And third, we hurt them.
Hyp doesn't have the guts to say "We kill them". Either that, or the movie doesn't. (ding)
(Littlefoot and his friends leave while Hyp tells Nod and Mutt his plan)
Hyp: See?
Mutt: Uh, no Hyp. I don't see...anybody.
Uh...way to let him know that they left? (ding)
Cera's dad: Threehorns never drink unwisely. But your herds do.
Great, now we can add "Cera's dad is a brat." (ding)
An iguanodon's hands aren't flat. (ding)
Kosh: And I've seen you're kind waste too.
Why bring this over to another species? It's Cera's dad who's being so douchey about it. (ding)
Iguanodon: Impossible. I never did such a thing.
I never did, so never did any of my kind. (ding)
Cera: Let's play bullies. I'll be Hyp. I'm going to get you.
Littlefoot: Well, I'm going to get you first.
I know you guys are mocking them, but I don't think you're exactly "playing" Bullies. Is that even a real game? (ding)
(Hyp shoves Nod off the ledge)
Littlefoot: Run!
(Cera runs while Littlefoot just stays put)
You guys run while I take the impact! (ding)
Also, Nod falls slower than the rock that Cera knocked off the ledge in the second movie. (ding)
Grandpa: What happened, Littlefoot?
Littlefoot: It was an accident, Grandpa. Honest.
No, the correct response would be, "It wasn't me, it was Hyp." (ding)
Cera's dad: Come Cera. You're not to play with the little longneck anymore.
(skip)
Grandpa: My friend, I think you're acting rashly.
You think? (ding)
Cera's dad: Cera, I'm your father. I want what's best for you.
Cera: No you don't! You just don't want me to have any fun!
sigh (ding)
Cera's dad: There is no fair when it comes to survival.
(music starts playing)
Not the best segue into a song. (ding)
Cera's dad: You say I'm mean/you say why bother/well I have a daughter and I'm her father
So? (ding)
Also, you don't say! (ding)
Littlefoot didn't bother taking a drink while Cera's dad was busy singing away. (ding)
Cera: Except for my dad. He's always mad.
Littlefoot: Yeah. He is kind of grumpy.
Understatement of all prehistory. (ding)
Filler. (ding)
Cera: If our parents stay mad any longer, I'm just going to scream.
Of course. What else would you do? (ding)
More filler. (ding)
Petrie: How we find water, Littlefoot?
Littlefoot: We smell for it, silly.
I'm still wondering how you're supposed to smell water. (ding)
Cera's dad: It's not your turn!
Part of that shot was when Cera's dad ended his song with one last "Tough". (ding)
Petrie: Funny, me smell water, but me no see water.
Probably because you're in f*cking horsetails! (ding)
Hyp: If you tell anybody else about this water, you'll be very...very...sorry.
Littlefoot: We're telling. And you better not try to stop us.
(the scene immediately cuts to them screaming and running away)
Or else we'll run! (ding)
Isn't it about time hand-drawn movies learned that fire doesn't spread that quickly? (ding)
Ducky: I do not like sharpteeth. Their teeth are too sharp.
Hence the name. (ding)
(grown ups chatter) I have a plan. Mine's better. No. Listen to mine.
Because this is how adults argue, right? (ding)
Cera: They're too busy arguing.
Littlefoot: Then maybe we should go stop them.
Yeah, children are always the ones with the answers. (ding)
Character sees his screwed up reflection and gets scared by it cliche. (ding)
What kind of tar pit looks like water on its surface? (ding)
Littlefoot: Stop moving, Hyp! It'll only make you sink faster!
(Hyp freezes and doesn't sink an inch)
In fact, it'll make you stop sinking altogether! (ding)
Everyone just gradually get startled by the velociraptors. (ding)
Grandpa: We can't let them pass!
Discount Lord of the Rings. (ding)
Hyp: Something bad is happening up there.
What else could it be other than the velociraptors attacking them? (ding)
Cera: Forget it, Littlefoot. He's a creep.
Hyp: Who are you calling names? Now get in there and help, you creeps.
Somebody is inspired by Cera. (ding)
So...the water took out all of the fire. I find that unlikely. (ding)
Ducky: Sharing is good. It is.
Thank you for making sure that message got through to us. (ding)
Narrator: Each learning the special kind of joy that comes from giving to others.
And that one too. (ding)
Narrator: Until it became known as The Time of the Great Giving.
Roll cre...oh wait, that's what's about to happen, isn't it? Um...okay. We're done here.
Movie Sin Tally: 52
Bonus Round:
Screams
+1
+4
+4
+1
+4
+4
+1
+3
+4
+4
+1
+1
+1
+1
+1
+1
+1
Movie Sin Tally: 89
Sentence: THIRST!