'Twas the night before Christmas, when all thro' my house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mole-mouse;
The shotgun was hung by the chimney with care,
Just in case trouble soon ever be there;
Shaun and Nat Wright were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sweetrolls danc'd in their heads,
And me in my boxers, and Piper in only her news cap,
Had just settled our heads for a long winter's nap-
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what the fuck was matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters, and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of, holy shit is that snow?
Gave the lustre of mid-day to the wasteland below;
When, what to my bleary eyes should appear,
But Preston Garvey! oh god I need a beer.
He stood at the ready, with his laser musket, "Another settlement needs our help", he said to my dread Those raiders would suffer, I'd see to that.
And I silently wished he would just suck it.
I knew what he'd say, he says it all the time.
This line's only here to finish the rhyme.
And oh how I wished I could have just stayed in bed.
So I grabbed my gear and headed out the door.
Because being The General was a fucking chore.
Because Piper was waiting wearing ONLY HER HAT!
So Garvey and I went out together,
Hoping the raiders were freezing in this weather.
One by one, we made them all drop dead, When the last raider cried out, begging for mercy,
All the while I wished I could crawl back into bed.
For once again Piper was waiting wearing only her HAT.
And In case it hasn't been made clear, I'm tapping that!
Her ass not the news cap, You sarcastic sap
I shot him twice in the face because I felt surly.
With the raiders all dead my bloodlust was fed.
I could finally go home and crawl back into bed.
So Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night and always remember that war… war never changes.