"We are all here today to celebrate the life of Carmen Lopez"

That was it, the words that shattered every little tiny piece of hope I had left. Those were the words that confirmed that this fucking nightmare, was in fact reality. As I sat on the cold wooden pew, I stared around at my relatives and family members, all dressed in black and sadness. I didn't care for many of them, the one person that really mattered was laying in the coffin at the front of the church.

Carmen Lopez, my big sister, is dead and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't bring her back, I couldn't save her. She was broken way beyond repair. Throughout the service I couldn't help but stare at the coffin that had been left open baring her beautiful face for everyone to see. I was tempted to run up there a snap it shut, I didn't want everyone staring at her frozen dead body. I didn't want that to be their last memory of her, because death was the complete opposite of everything that depicted Carmen. But something held me back, I couldn't bare thinking that would be the last time I saw her, I just couldn't deal with the finality of it all.

Everyone said we looked identical, but I never did see it. She was far more beautiful than me, inside and out. She had really long jet black curly hair, the typical Lopez tanned flawless skin. She had massive hazel eyes, that told you everything. She could never ever lie to me because I would know exactly what she was thinking. Although more towards the end, her beautiful eyes became clouded, troubled and there wasn't anything I could do to make them shine like they used to.

"Would you like to say your goodbyes?"

I got up without thinking about it, and walked towards the coffin. I dragged out every step I could, prolonging every tiny second I had left. It wasn't enough time before I knew it I was in the line, behind my mother and father awaiting my turn to whisper my goodbyes. Goodbye. I hated that word, I hated it's aftermath. I hated the pain that it came with.

Before I knew it, my Mother and Father were already turning around and walking back to the pews, gripping each others hands tightly. It was my turn now, I had to face this on my own, I had no hand to grip tightly. No arms to hold me, no words for comfort. If only Carmen was here. She'd put her arm around my shoulders, and help me through everything.

I walked the last few steps towards the coffin and there she was. I waited for it to all be some kind of sick joke. I longed for her to be alive, for her lips to stretch into a smile, for her lungs and heart and brain to be functioning, for her eyes to flutter open. I waited and waited yet nothing happened. That was it I couldn't be strong anymore, I was completely and utterly crushed. A lump formed in my throat, and I knew this lump could not be swallowed. I knew that no matter how hard I tried I would cry and hurt.

"Goodbye Car, you were too good for all of us anyways. I will miss you so much, love you" I whispered into her ear that wasn't listening.

It was all I could manage whilst choking on tears. My legs refused to move, they buckled and I fell to the floor. I couldn't take it anymore, I didn't want to be strong I was weak. Nothing at all like Carmen. I started howling, screaming. I was angry with God. All of her life Carmen was good, kind, loving person. I am nothing but a mean rude bitch, so tell me why am I still standing her when she's soon to be six feet under the ground.

I felt a cold hand on my shoulder, I turned around to see my Papi, a cold distant expression was etched on his face. He picked me up off the ground, and helped me walk back to the pew. I sat between my mother and father, they wrapped their arms around me yet I felt no emotion behind it. It was for show, so we looked like a normal family infront of everyone else. I knew we weren't. We weren't at all normal, we were broken and fucked up. Yet we continued to sit there like we were normal for the rest of the service.

I couldn't bare to be stuck in the car, still pretending to be normal. So I decided to walk home. It was a hot sunny day, my black outfit absorbed all the heat up. It was about a half hour walk to my house from the church. I walked at an alarmingly slow pace, tears still rolling down my face.

I've asked myself all the questions, hundreds of times over and over since she died. I cannot conjure any answers up. It just doesn't make sense.

My black lace dress was sticking to my skin with sweat, the heat was becoming unbearable. I noticed a park up ahead, with benches and shade. I could hear the loud buzz of the children playing on swings and slides. Shouting at one another playing games of tag and hide and seek. It was packed with mom's spreading out picnics, gossiping to other moms. Then it suddenly dawned on me, Carmen and I used to play here when we were younger.

We spent hours and hours making houses on the roundabout, a little section of it for every room in the house, or playing monkeys on the jungle gym. She had a brilliant imagination, she made all of these games feel so real for me. I wish we could go back to being children, I miss the pure innocence of it. I miss being so naive and having absolutely no worries.

I found the big oak tree we'd sit under when eating picnic's with our nanny. I sat underneath it, with my back against the trunk staring out into the park. I don't know how long I was there for, it seemed half an hour at most,but when I checked my cell 3 hours had gone by. Not a single missed call or text was sent from my parents, I suppose they had other things to worry about, parents are useless. I checked the park it was like ghost town not a single kid nor mum was left there. I was truly alone physically and emotionally.

I walked the rest of the way home, dragging my feet with every step.

Finally I reached the big brick house that was called home. Not that it felt like that anymore. It was a pretty impressive; the biggest house out of the whole road. I can't stand the thought of it being so big, the thought of never really knowing who's inside.

I knocked on the big brass knocker, the door opened, both my mother and father standing there.

"Honey, we've decided to move house"

And just like that we did, only a month after Car died. It was like it never really happened where they were concerned. They never spoke about her, and whenever I did the same vacant expression my papi had at her funeral, came creeping onto both of their faces.

I watched as they packed away our possesions into boxes, they packed up our past and they packed up Carmen. The days got shorter and shorter and then all of a sudden it was moving day. All the removal vans were filled up with our boxes and ready to go. Mother was fussing about checking we hadn't forgotten anything. Papi was in the car waiting. I said goodbye to California, my friends and my entire life.

Hello Lima Ohio.