[I didn't know losing you would break me
this must be what dying feels like]
Rebecca Lynn Howard, What Dying Feels Like
I think I'm crying, but I can't hear anything. I can't breathe either, or move at all. Everything is blackness, and pain, and utter loneliness. Is this what dying feels like?
But the darkness of this world is suddenly shattered, and light floods my eyes. It hurts, and I want it to stop but I can't make the words come out. I gasp for breath, and my hearing returns. Now I hear myself, and I'm scared. I'm screaming, crying and gasping and choking on my own sobs - and I don't know why. Why!
I bring my hands up to cover my face, and discover that I am kneeling. I'm kneeling all alone on cold cement. Where are my friends? What has happened?!
My questions are drowned in pain then, but I can feel arms around me. Somebody is here, keeping me safe. It doesn't help though, and I am still sobbing. I remember that my world has just fallen apart, but I don't know how. I have to stop crying and help! That's what I do - I help people. Somebody needs my help. Let me go. Let me go!
I think I scream the words, because now I hear a voice. He's saying "it's gonna be okay" but his voice breaks halfway through and I can't even believe how much that hurts. I know the voice. That voice is safety, and strength, and love - but now he's crying too and I know for certain that something terrible has happened. Something irreversible, and devastating.
My tears are slowing down simply because I've run out, but the pain isn't lessening at all. I cling to the arms that are holding me, thinking that maybe if I hold on tight enough I will be safe.
Awareness returns, slowly. As slowly as it comes, I see again what happened. I see the mine, and his face, and the looks of defeat on the others'. I see the tears in his eyes, and I see the trembling of his muscles and I know that this is the end. I know. But I turn my back anyway, and my imagination has to fill in what happens next.
I look up now, into Boss's face. He doesn't loosen his hold, and I am inordinately grateful for that. He is crying too, small tears spilling over onto his cheeks. "Breathe," he whispers. "Just breathe." I wonder if he is talking to me or to himself.
Sam comes over, with flames of anger squeezing his fists closed. There is something else in his eyes though, something like sorrow. "We have to go." he says, gesturing to the small crowd that is gathering. Boss nods, and helps me up. We walk together, side by side, to the truck. The others follow, Jules still crying quietly and Wordy wiping tears from his own eyes. Ed is stony-faced, stalking up to tell Boss that he will stay and coordinate things here. Boss nods, and then the rest of us get in the truck and drive away.
We drive away.
Yes, this is what dying feels like.