Disclaimer: All rights belong to Rumiko Takahashi. Any mistakes, however, are mine.
Scars
Chapter One
Life in the Sengoku Era was comforting and pleasant. The days turned into weeks, and Kagome settled into a pattern of normalcy and routine. She had plenty of lessons with Kaede, learning about medicinal herbs and Shinto rituals and spells. She could now identify twenty different healing plants and seal a small demon in a confined room. She was also learning about medicinal practices of the time and often accompanied Kaede to various villagers' houses, helping care for the elderly or those wounded during the course of a regular workday.
She liked meeting the villagers, learning about them and talking with them. Kagome especially liked when she, Sango, Rin, and the twins, Mieko and Kimiko, went to spend time with the other village children. There was a lively group of children ranging in age from Susumu's age to nearly fifteen, then age when many young girls got married and started their own adult lives.
She enjoyed dinnertime, where she and Inuyasha more often than not shared a meal at Sango and Miroku's hut. Kagome was learning slowly here. It was hard to get used to cooking over an open fire with its unexpected fluctuations in heat. Sango was a patient teacher, showing Kagome how to master the basics of cooking rice in a pot, making miso soup, roasting meat and fish. There were mishaps along the way, but the men suffered in mostly stoic silence, to Kagome's surprise and disbelief.
"You're trying hard," was all Inuyasha said when she asked one night as they were walking home why he didn't complain. Her attempt to make rabbit stew had come out marginal, at best. The meat was overcooked, the broth too salty, the vegetables still on the crunchy side. The rice was hard and dry, and even the pickled vegetables tasted too vinegary and overripe.
"Complaining would only make you upset, not want to try harder." He let her take his hand, one of the small gestures he'd gotten used to since she'd returned. In the gathering sunset, his hair gleamed like mysteries in the moonlight. "You'll get there. Don't worry."
Kagome sniffled a little. Miroku had been nothing but supportive; Shippou had even asked for seconds, claiming he liked her stew just fine because she made it with love and care. Still, the tears threatened. She felt like a failure, clumsy and awkward. Sometimes she thought she'd never learn the basics of surviving in this time.
"Hey." As if sensing her thoughts, Inuyasha swung around to face her on the path to their tree house. His face was shadowed by the overhanging branches above, but his eyes were clear. "Don't go getting all depressed on me. You've got a lot going on, what with studying and learning to adjust and stuff. You know how long it took Sango to stop burning miso soup?"
Sango was pretty good at campfire cooking, but then, miso soup wasn't a base fare while traveling. Kagome couldn't let it go so easily, and swiped a hand under her nose. "But it's been weeks! I'll never get the hang of it! It's not like cooking back home on the stove, or in the oven." Or in the microwave. She missed microwave ovens, but didn't say that out loud. It would only make Inuyasha feel guilty that she'd left her old world to be with him, and he didn't understand the concept of microwaves, anyway.
Inuyasha hunched his shoulders. He almost wished Miroku was there. Miroku could handle emotional women. Inuyasha never knew what to say, or do. He cast a glance up at the darkening sky. He was especially bad at it at times like these.
"Uh…" He stumbled to find something reassuring to say. "There's no law says you have to learn in a certain amount of time. Hey!" He gave her a little shake. "I break that law all the time, don't I? Take too long to figure things out and all." His smile was a little self-deprecating. Kagome still didn't respond, and he huffed out a breath, casting another glance at the sky. "Um, not to change the subject, but you think we could hurry home? I don't…It's getting dark."
Confused, Kagome cocked her head at him. Darkness didn't usually bother Inuyasha. She focused on him, trying to set aside her own misery at the botched dinner. "What's the matter?" He kept craning his neck to peer at the sky. The sun was setting, streaking orange fire across the wispy clouds above, mingling with darker hues of indigo and black.
Inuyasha looked uncomfortable. "It's tonight. Night of no moon."
"Oh." Kagome's eyes widened. She'd forgotten! Well, not so much forgotten as not thought of it. She'd been here almost a month and it hadn't happened yet, so it was only a matter of time, really. Inuyasha looked more and more vulnerable as the seconds ticked, and Kagome gave herself a little shake. She knew how much he hated being out and exposed when he was at what he thought was his weakest. She squeezed his fingers. "Let's get home, then. You can start a fire and we'll cuddle under the blankets or something."
It was still chilly enough at night to warrant a fire, and Inuyasha nodded, relieved. They picked up the pace, and he vaulted them both up onto the porch when they entered their clearing. Kagome didn't use the ladder much, really, not when Inuyasha was around to carry her. She closed her eyes to enjoy the rush of air against her face, the fleeting sensation of flying, before he set her down.
The interior was dark and chilly, and Kagome made her way across the room by memory and feel. Inuyasha, not as hindered as she by the lack of light, moved confidently through the darkness to the fireplace. She listened as he knelt with a rustle of fabric and struck flint to steel, drawing a shower of sparks that caught on the waiting kindling. A burst of heat and light, and the fire caught, grew, spread.
The golden glow illuminated their humble home, and Kagome turned to look at the home they'd made together. She propped her hands on her hips, satisfied with the progress they'd made so far. There were flowers in a small vase on the low table where they ate, a drawing Shippou had done with the last of the crayons and paper she'd brought hanging on the wall, and Inuyasha's rosary hanging from a nail by their futon.
The sight and thought of the futon made Kagome's cheeks flush, a little. True, she and Inuyasha were essentially married—they hadn't talked about a ceremony, and he'd never actually asked her in so many words to be his wife—but somehow she was still a little shy when it came down to it. They shared a bed, they'd been intimate, but…It was different, on his first human night together. A little scary, but exciting. Intriguing.
Inuyasha watched Kagome, unsure what to say, unsure of what she was thinking. She was staring at the bed they shared. Was she thinking how weird it would be to sleep with him when he was human? Was she worried they might be attacked in their sleep, and he wouldn't be strong enough to protect her? Did she think he was weak or disgusting in his human form?
Kagome turned to face him, a look of determination on her face. She caught the hesitation, the fear, in his eyes before he masked it with his usual careless smirk. "Inuyasha."
"Kagome."
She nearly smiled. The nerves pumping off of him were nearly palpable. She held out a hand. "Come to bed with me."
Inuyasha's ears twitched. He knew that tone of voice, and he was defenseless against it. His heart leapt, and his blood heated at that look in her eyes. Lust tingled over his skin at the invitation and challenge in her soft gray gaze, but doubts held him back. "Kagome…Maybe not tonight."
"What, you sick?" Her grin spread, teasing, but she crossed towards him. Her voice was soft, and she trailed a finger over the back of his hand, the caress gentle, reassuring. "It's okay, Inuyasha. I chose you. I love you."
Still, he held back, not willing to believe her despite the sincerity ringing in her words. "But…I mean, I'll be human. I don't…" He fumbled for the words as she took his hand and gently led him through the open doorway to their futon. "I don't know what I'm doing."
"It's okay." She pushed lightly on his shoulders until he folded his legs, sitting in the middle of the bed. Kagome knelt beside him, ran a hand down the side of his face. "I don't really, either. That's why we do this together." A small smile curved her lips. "It might take us weeks to get it right, but there's no law saying we have to learn how to be perfect right away."
She echoed his words right back to him, and Inuyasha felt the doubts fade away in the face of her utter acceptance. She chose me. She'd said she accepted him, all of him. Human, demon, hanyou. She understood him, she loved him, she'd chosen him. That would be enough.
Inuyasha gave in to the rising heat in his blood, the demands of the body, and leaned forward to kiss her. They kissed in the deepening evening shadows, bodies drawn together by lust and love. As the sun sank beneath the western horizon, they lay back, slowly drawing away layer after layer of clothing, an exploration of endless wonder and desire.
He could love her, here, in the house that was their home. Through all their travels, he had come to respect her, understand her, admire her. As he'd come to understand his own feelings for her, he'd grown to lust for her, like her more and more, finally to love her.
But here, together in the darkness that sent the first tingling up his spine, he could cherish here.
Kagome lifted her face to his, kissing him again with an increased intensity that made his stomach tighten with need. He could feel the transformation upon him and struggled back, seeking some measure of solitude, of isolation, to deal with this most private, most despised part of him. But she drew him back, pressed her lips against his, her hands running up and down his back as much to soothe as to arouse.
"I'm here, Inuyasha. Don't pull away." She bit lightly at his bottom lip, drawing a quick inhale of breath from him. "Let me share this with you, even just this once."
His muscled, knotted as he fought the inevitable, relaxed, just a little. His arms came around her, hard and desperate, and Inuyasha buried his face against her shoulder. Just this once, it would be okay, he told himself. He held on, heart pounding as much now from fear as from desire, and felt her arms come around his shoulders. There was such strength in those slender arms, such warmth and comfort in her embrace. She could banish the shadows, he thought as the tingling flooded his body. She could hold them back.
He shivered as the transformation swept through him. It wasn't entirely a painful process, and it was quick, if nothing else. Still, he hated it, every month. Claws shortened, blunted. Ears retracted, and human ones grew. His fangs shrank, flattened. He could feel his strength, hanyou strength, ebb from his muscles so that he felt dull and sluggish, as if he were swimming through mud. His eyesight dimmed, so that the glare of the fire was harsh against the endless shadows. His hearing diminished, so he could no longer pinpoint the rustle of leaves, the whisper of owls winging through the night, the chirp of crickets in the grasses below.
Even his sense of feel was different. It was a jolt to the system to feel Kagome's skin, warm and soft, against his. It was so different than when he was in his usual form. More distant, and yet more, somehow. With the loss of preciseness that his hanyou senses afforded him came a more overpowering sense of heat and movement, of overwhelming sensation without knowing exactly where each individual point of contact came from. It was heady, and frightening, and arousing.
"Inuyasha." She rained kisses over his face, each one stirring new appetites inside him. Everything was different. He felt different, aroused as he was, every sense heightened and on edge. "Inuyasha. I love you. You're beautiful."
That sounded odd, coming from her, but Inuyasha didn't care. "You're beautiful." He drank in the sight of her, lovely curves and sleek skin, bathed in flickering firelight and shadow. "Kagome." He couldn't find the words, didn't have the words, as his hands ran up and over curves. Her muted gasps as his fingers found hidden secrets didn't seem muffled to his human ears, but like music. She moved over him, hands stroking secret places that had pleasure leaping through his system. "Kagome."
She rose over him, all the woman he'd ever wanted. Dreams and hopes and secrets coalesced in his mind, in his heart. Here, together, they didn't need words, bound together by love.
Afterwards, they lay together, cuddled under the blankets. Inuyasha's heart thumped rapidly in his chest, and he concentrated on the sensation, on the cooling sweat on his brow and the laziness shimmering just under his skin. Everything felt so foreign to him, the feeling of exertion, the race of his heart, the drugged heaviness of his fully sated body. Kagome was draped over him, head on his shoulder. He could feel the knock of her heart against his, and lifted one heavy arm to stroke a hand along her spine.
She stirred, turning her head to press a kiss to his shoulder. "You're really good at that, you know?"
Somehow, her statement made him want to hunch his shoulders in embarrassment. "You, too." It wasn't like he'd had lots of practice or anything, so it wasn't something she needed to compliment him for.
"It wasn't so bad, was it?" She shifted so she could prop herself up on her elbows, looking down at him. Her cheeks were still flushed, her eyes bright, hair mussed around her face. She looked so damn cute, Inuyasha just wanted to hug her. He settled for putting his hands around her waist, just to hold her. "Wasn't so scary."
He snorted. "Keh. I'm not scared." She merely smiled, looking down to trail a finger over his collarbone. He shivered at the light touch, eyes glinting, but Kagome kept her touch light, ticklish, as she drew patterns over his sweat-slicked skin.
"You've got scars here."
Inuyasha kept his gaze on the ceiling. Vulnerability washed over him, made him tremble. "Don't look."
Kagome paused. His demand wasn't angry or defensive, both of which she might have expected and knew how to deal with. His voice didn't quite waver, but there was a note in there of hesitation that told her she was close to something he wasn't quite ready to share. Still, though, she pushed. "Can't I see?"
He swallowed thickly. "You…You'll cry for me, maybe."
The tears were already close to the surface. He sounded so young, so lost, so hurt. Poor Inuyasha…He'd already suffered a lifetime of hurt. Kagome bent her head so he wouldn't see the sheen of tears, grateful, for once, that he wouldn't be able to smell them on her. "And is that such a bad thing?" She lifted her face to meet his stunned gaze. "Is it really so bad if I hurt for you?"
He lifted a hand to brush back a wayward strand of hair out of her eyes. "I don't want you to hurt." It hurts me, when you cry.
"It's okay." She said it was okay, and pressed a hand over his heart, where the scar was visible against his human skin. "Please, Inuyasha. Let me."
He sucked in a shaky breath, eyes on hers. In hers was a plea as much as there was promise. I won't hurt you. I won't let this hurt you.
"Okay." He whispered it, nodded. Part of him wanted to shut his eyes so he wouldn't have to see, but he forced down the urge and focused on Kagome's head as she bent to the task.
Her fingers trailed over his skin, cataloguing the various scars and nicks his body bore, battle scars, testaments to the trials and tribulations of his life. Scars that weren't visible on his hanyou skin were plain to see on his human nights.
Kagome paused, her finger tracing around the star-shaped scar over his heart where Kikyou's arrow had pierced him. That one hurt sometimes, even in his hanyou form, but the pain had lessened over time. Lessened even more with Kagome here.
His breath caught when she bent forward to brush a kiss over the scar. "Poor Inuyasha," she murmured. She caught the telltale stiffening of his muscles at the misinterpreted insult, kissed him again. "You didn't deserve this."
"Actually, yeah, I did." If he'd only trusted Kikyou, not fallen for Naraku's ploy, it never would have happened.
"No, you didn't." Kagome's voice was firm. "You can't blame yourself for what happened. Neither of you were to blame." Both of them had paid, a hundred times over, for their mistake. And they had learned, hadn't they? Inuyasha had learned to trust, and Kikyou…she'd learned to love, hadn't she? In the end, she'd learned to let go.
Her fingers continued their exploration. She found a small scar on his forearm, likely just from a childhood injury. The largest scar was the one on his stomach, right above his belly button. Kagome flattened her hand against it, her palm warm against his skin. Inuyasha watched her, knowing without words what she was thinking. He'd gotten this one from Sesshoumaru, early in their travels, and Inuyasha had sent Kagome back through the well with no means to return. Even now, Inuyasha could remember the punch straight through his gut, the feeling of Sesshoumaru's poison claws ripping straight through him, the distinctly disconcerting feeling of poison eating away through his guts.
But moreover, he could remember the feel of Kagome in his arms when he'd grabbed her into a hug—their first hug. The fear and the anger pulsing through him when he'd shoved her away, determined to protect her even if she hated him for it. The pain, worse than the physical injury, when he'd shoved her through the well, thinking that it might be the last time he saw her.
"You only wanted to protect me," she murmured, and bent to kiss him stomach. Inuyasha's gut fluttered at the ticklish sensation, and she nuzzled her nose lightly against his abdomen before straightening. "I was so mad about it then, but you only wanted to protect me."
"Weak human girl," he muttered, embarrassed by the gratitude in her eyes. He wished she'd kiss him there again. "You came back anyway. So much for protecting you."
Kagome smiled and, in answer to his unvoiced entreaty, left another open-mouthed kiss against his stomach. "You've always protected me." He was hard again, thanks to her unintended ministrations. Kagome merely lifted an eyebrow, smiling as she ran her hands along the length of him. "You don't need much down time, do you?" He growled under his breath, and she laughed. "In a minute. I'm not done looking yet."
He had another scar, just above his left knee. It looked like a dog bite. At her questioning look, he said, "Once, after my mom died, the villagers set their hunting dogs after me. They wouldn't come near me when I was in my hanyou form, but they caught me once on my human night." He shrugged, uneasy with the memory, and jumped when Kagome brushed a kiss over the marks. Red-faced, he muttered, "It doesn't hurt anymore or nothing."
"Just the memory does."
Sometimes, she saw too much.
Kagome coaxed him to roll onto his stomach. She murmured sadly as she touched his back, where Sesshoumaru's poison claws had exited his body just to the left of his spine. She shuddered to think of what could have happened had Sesshoumaru not missed the nerves and bones there. Would Inuyasha have died? It didn't bear thinking about.
Her fingers trailed lower, and she stopped, confused. "Inuyasha?"
He knew what she was looking at, knew what she saw. He kept his face averted, arms crossed under the pillow. "I was a kid. When my mom died, the villagers kept me around for a while. Mostly locked up in the basement, and they'd come down every once in a while and beat me. Kick me around, hit me with sticks. They said I was a dog, so I should be treated like one. They whipped me good." His voice trembled, and he pressed his lips together until he could control it. "Said nobody'd love a mutt like me."
"Oh, Inuyasha." He couldn't smell her tears, but he could hear them in her voice, feel them when they plopped, warm and small, against his buttocks. The scars there had never faded, and stood out against his skin like angry claw marks scored against the paler flesh.
He tried to brush it off, hurting, knowing she was hurting for him. Knowing she was crying for him, but helpless to do anything to stop her. "They healed, mostly. It's just when they came back the next day to do it again that left the scars, I guess. It's not like it really hurt that much." But it did. It hurt, but worse than the beatings were the words. Worse than the abuse was the hate.
Kagome lay herself over him, as if shielding him from some past beating, and hugged her arms around his shoulders. She was crying harder now, tears sliding down her cheeks one after another. "It hurts. I know it hurts. I'd never let that happen. I wish…I wish I could have protected you."
Her words were like a balm on his heart. Inuyasha shoved himself upright, sitting up with the blankets tangled around his waist, and grabbed Kagome into a tight hug. "Don't cry." He brushed helplessly at her tears. "It's not worth crying over."
She just shook her head in denial. Some things, she thought, were worth crying over. She knew they'd never see eye-to-eye on that, though, and let it slide. Some things, she knew, weren't fighting over.
Kagome tamed her tears down to sniffles. She scrubbed ineffectually at her damp cheeks and gave Inuyasha a watery smile. "I'll protect you from now on."
The ludicrousness of the statement—she was going to protect him?—made Inuyasha smile, but she shook her head, silencing him before he even opened his mouth. "I mean it. I can't protect you from demons or bad guys or things that fly out of the dark, maybe, but…" She pressed her hands over his heart. "I want to protect you here."
"Kagome…" Inuyasha gathered her close for another hug. She felt so good in his arms, and he bent his head so he could rest his cheek against the softness of her hair. Maybe this whole being human thing wasn't so bad once in a while. He liked it here, just cuddling with her under the blankets while the night moved beyond their four little walls.
Kagome, either understanding or thinking the same thing, snuggled closer to him. She shifted so she was seated more comfortably in his lap, their outspread feet making bumps in the bedspread. She wiggled her toes, giggling as the bedspread wiggled accordingly. Inuyasha just watched her, bemused. "What's so funny?"
"Nothing." She kept giggling anyway. "You do."
He rolled his eyes but complied. Her giggling increased as he made the blanket bumps dance back and forth, and Inuyasha's arms squeezed around her waist. He'd never had so much simple, pure fun as he did with her. Silly, insignificant things like this, a shared moment in bed, could turn his heart over in his chest.
She turned her face to nuzzle the side of his throat and sent his pulse leaping. "You're usually more tired on your human nights."
It was a not-so-subtle question, and Inuyasha felt his pride rise at the implied insult—and challenge. He rolled her over so she lay beneath him. "Not that tired."
Her eyebrows winged up, another silent challenge. "I'd hate for you to overtax yourself tonight on my behalf."
"Overtax?" What the hell language was she talking in? "Don't be stupid."
The response—classic Inuyasha at his best—had Kagome stifling a chuckle. The shift of muscle had her not quite muffling the low moan as he filled her, stretched her. "I'm glad you're not too tired," she murmured, and reached up to band her arms around his neck as their bodies moved in unison. "Don't go too fast," she warned even as her heart kicked against his. "Night's young yet."
His grin flashed, arrogant and bright. Here, he thought as he brought them both to completion, here in the dark was healing for scars she couldn't see.
Here, he thought, here was what made every scar, every pain in his entire life worth bearing.
~12.14.10