Today sucks. Well, every day freaking sucks, but today especially sucks. First, I woke up late. I did that cool thing people do when they wake up and realize they're late and basically explode out of bed. Who knew I could get ready so fast? Still twenty minutes late to class, though. Not just any class, either. Late to Shue's class. The fucker draws attention to anyone that walks in late by asking a series of dumbass questions. Like, that's torture. The class already stares at anyone who walks in late all the way to their seat like they're doing the walk of shame or something, and then he has to draw more attention? It's kind of bull shit, but whatever.
Then, my next class goes over thirty minutes so I completely miss any kind of lunch break I have on Tuesdays and have to go right to the third class of the day. Dr. Holliday isn't so bad. She's funny, and at least tries to teach her students in ways that appeal to this generation. Most teachers really don't understand how important that is in school these days. It's hard enough without a lesson being so boring that we would rather have our faces melt off than listen to their damn lectures.
But, no matter how cool she usually is, she totally shits on my day by giving me a 'C' on a test that I probably spent twenty total hours studying for. I think the Universe just has to be playing a trick on me by now.
I'm finished for the day though, and all I want to do is go back to my dorm, crawl into bed, and sleep so I can re-wake up and start this day over. God, this walk feels even longer than normal, but I'm so out of it that I hardly even notice the three flights of stairs I just climbed.
"What the fuck," no, seriously, what the fuck. There's a sock on my door at 3 o'clock on a Tuesday afternoon? Jesus Christ, Kitty is such a slut. Okay, she's not a slut, but it makes me feel better to say it when she does this stuff. If I ever let myself cry, I feel like today would be the day. I feel like right now would be the moment. As I slouch against the wall and bury my head into my hands, I can hear people walking by and whispering about it, and giggling, because they're douche bags. Or not, because I would do the same to anyone this happened to, but whatever.
"Hey, why are you out here pouting?" I hear someone ask, but I don't even want to look up because I'm not pouting, I'm just sad, angry, and a little upset. "Hello?"
"'M not pouting," I mumble, but really. I'm not pouting, okay.
This chick chuckles, she chuckles. I hate when People chuckle. "Okay, but it sure looks like you're pouting." Yeah, well, whatever. "I think my friend is in there." I look up at that.
"Who, Kitty?" I've never seen this girl before, but I guess I don't know all of Kitty's friends.
"No, Jake. The one having sex with Kitty." She chuckles, again. "And the reason why you can't go in there." Well, that's just stupid. I'm already mad because she said I was pouting, then she chuckled, and now she's friends with half of the reason I can't go in there to fall asleep.
I just hum back in response because I don't care anymore. This day is shitty and me having to form words right now is just another pain in the ass.
"You can come in my dorm if you want, you know, until they're done coming." She jokes, and I actually crack a smile at that. A smile that I didn't really know that I needed. So, okay, maybe I was pouting.
"Well, I don't want to bother you."
"I wouldn't have offered if I thought you were going to bother me," she says with a roll of her eyes. "It's not like I just ask everyone I see pouting out in the hall if they want to come in." I can hear the smirk in her voice before I actually see it.
And it's annoying in a way, but charming in another, and I don't know how I feel about that. So, I just allow her to take my hand and let me up.
And okay, so I feel sparks. And, yes, I know that makes me so, super gay, like u-haul status gay, because how do I feel that through just a hand touch. Let me just tell you, though. I've been interested in a lot of girls. A lot before I even knew that I was attracted to girls. A lot while I was hiding so far in the closet that the maid couldn't even find me to dust me off. And even a lot since I was shoved out of the closet right before I left for college. But even through all of that, I have never felt that way when a girl simply helped me up, so, shut up.
"I'm Brittany, by the way."
"I'm Santana," I said as I began to follow her to her room. Which, turned out to be a lot shorter walk than I thought. "You live right next door? I've never even seen you." And trust me, I usually notice girls with legs and asses like this girl.
"Well, I just started this semester, and you usually have your head down with a scowl, so.." she's joking again. But wait, does that mean she's noticed me? Okay, don't over think you idiot. That's gotten you into trouble one hundred percent of the time.
She unlocked her door and allowed me to walk in first. It's never a shock walking into other dorms because other than a few pictures and sometimes posters, all dorm rooms here usually just look the same.
"Have a seat." She pointed to her bed, and I didn't know what that was all about, because, what?
She started rummaging through her dresser for something and while I was still trying to figure out if I should actually sit on this chick I barely know's bed, she has grabbed a sock and is on her way to the door. And, WHAT?! Okay, so I've had my share of girls, but I did not see this coming, and I am absolutely not prepared.
"Wh-what are you doing?" I am panicking and I know she has to be able to tell.
"I'm putting a sock on the door?" She looks at me like I'm the crazy one here. "It's so no one will interrupt us, I thought you knew the rules?"
I'm freaking out and I want to say something because I know I just look like an idiot standing here with my mouth opening and closing like some sort of fish.
"Oh my god, I'm fucking with you." She's cracking up. And I'm seriously confused. "I'm sorry, but your face was totally worth it, though."
I'm still just standing in the same spot fish mouthing it. Mouth fishing it? My mouth is still resembling that of a fish. Fuck.
I try to laugh, but it just comes out so awkward and lame.
"I really am sorry." Now she looks like she feels bad about it. "My friends say that I need to watch my filter around new people because not everyone likes my certain brand of humor." Okay, and no. She is not going to feel bad because I do not want to see her look that sad, ever.
"No, no. It was funny. I was just caught off guard. I swear I thought it was funny." She cracks half a smile, but it's not like how she had been smiling before.
I want to hear her laugh again; even if it is at my expense.
She pats beside her on the bed after she sits down signaling me to sit by her, so I do, because even though I feel awkward about it, I don't want to make her seem sad again.
I lean my bag against her bed post and then crawl up to the space she patted. We're both sitting side ways on the bed with our bags against the walls and feet hanging over the edge.
No one says anything for a long time; we both just kind of play on our phones. I check twitter, Instagram, and even Facebook even though I'm hardly ever on there anymore. I just don't really know what to say.
"So what are you going to school for?" She asks after a while and I'm thankful someone finally broke the awkward silence.
"Oh, I'm pre-law," I say it like I'm almost unsure. Which to be honest, I am. My whole life I knew that I had wanted to be a doctor, just like my dad. That changed after what happened, though.
"Do you not know if you pre-law, or that you don't know if you want to be pre-law." And okay, so I suck at masking my emotions around this girl obviously, but I'm not going to get into it.
"No, I'm sure," I kind of laugh to deflect from the intensity of her question, "it's just new to me, I guess."
She looks like she wants to ask more, but she doesn't, and I breathe out a sigh of relief.
"What about you?" I ask after I realize that I never did. "What are you studying?"
"Well," she starts. "Physics, but I'm also studying dance. I know they don't mix, but I love them both. I mean there's just things that I love so much about each and it would be hard to pick one if someone asked me to pick my favorite. I guess I probably could and it would most likely be dance, but, you know, I still love them both."
She's kind of rambling and it's more than kind of cute. I find myself just smiling without ever commenting on what she just told me so she's looking at me all cute, which, also is cute, but I don't want her to think that I think it's weird.
"No, that's not weird. It's awesome." I smile and nod, trying to convey that I'm being serious. "I wish I were good enough at two things that I had trouble choosing," I shrug because that's definitely not a bad problem to have.
"Yeah, I was just at MIT for three semesters, but decided to move here to NYU when I realized I could study both." She's back to smiling, which is also fucking cute, so I guess she's just going to be cute with everything she does. It's fine, really.
About that time, I hear a door open from the hall and Kitty's annoying voice telling someone she will see them in class later.
"Well, I guess they're all finished up," I kind of joke. I don't really want to leave, but, "I guess I should go." She just nods with a little simple smile.
After I stand up and grab my bag, I turn back to her so I can tell her thanks before I leave.
"Thanks for, you know, saving me from my little pity party out there," and then I extend my hand out to shake hers. And I, what? Who am I right now? At this point I would never guess that I've slept with anyone, ever, because I have exactly zero game around this girl.
She just kind of chuckles again. And I hate it significantly less than when I heard it the first time.
"It was my pleasure," she says as she takes my hand and holds on to it longer than a normal handshake.
There's the sparks again. And here I am just standing and staring again. So I just clear my throat and do this awkward little, robot move and leave.
Fuck, Lopez. Get it together.
Kitty kicked me out of the dorm three more times that week and I couldn't find it in me to even be annoyed.
I spent every one of those times with Brittany just talking, laughing, and getting to know more about her. I even went over a couple of times when Kitty wasn't even banging anyone.
It goes on like that for several weeks; me hanging out with Britt. And it's so awesome. Hanging with her is so simple and easy. I feel like my mind rests with her, and that's important to a person like me.
She knows that I always thought I would be pre-med instead of pre-law, but she still doesn't know why; I'm just not ready to go there with her, yet. But, I have to admit, she's really easy to talk to and sometimes I have to stop myself from just spitting out my whole story.
I know that she really does love both physics and dance, but if she absolutely had to choose for no other reason than herself, she would choose dance. She says that she goes ahead and sticks with physics because she has people looking at her to make a solid career for herself and she can't let them down. She didn't elaborate on that, but I don't ask either. I have a feeling that she's the kind of person that if she wanted to tell me, she would.
She's just really cool. I find myself completely interested in her, and it's obviously more than just for her looks because it hasn't worn off, yet. It's actually grown stronger.
I do this a lot. I see a hot girl and talk to her and crush on her, and then it ends with one of two things happening: we fuck and I go on about my life, or it never happens and I go on about my life.
I don't like getting close to people. The closer you let them, the more it hurts when the leave you hanging. So, that's why I get what I want and leave, or I don't get anything and I leave.
Not Britt, though. We haven't done anything. And she hasn't shown any interest in me whatsoever, but I still can't find it in me to go about my life. Every time I'm around her, I just want more.
Fuck, I have it bad.
I'm walking to class on a particularly cold Tuesday and running pretty much on schedule, and as long as nothing stops me, I'm going to make it to Shue's class on time and not have to listen to him.
I suddenly feel hands go over my eyes from behind me and I'm about to be really pissed because I find it so fucking annoying when people do that, but then I hear this cute little voice say "Guess who?" Included with a cute little chuckle I've come to know and love.
"Hmm, I don't know, but whoever it is may have frostbite, because their hands are freezing," I joke.
"Well, I would take that seriously if you were still doing pre-med," she states as she takes her hands from my eyes and turns me around. "But since you're just pre-law, I'm gonna call bull shit." Gah, she's so freaking cute. With the prettiest smile. And the bluest eyes.
"Britt," I smirk so it shows my dimples so she knows that I'm happy to see her, "what are you doing?"
"I was just going to get coffee because it's really cold," she says as she's bouncing on the balls of her feel. "And then I saw you walking and you look all cute all bundled up and I thought I would ask if you wanted to join me?" She finishes.
I really shouldn't go because I can't be late to Shue's class without making an ass out of myself in there, but I also really can't really tell her no. Even though I'm very reluctant about it, I go ahead and humor her.
"Yeah, sure, it is really cold." And the smile I get in return is worth it to be late to any class in the world.
I actually just miss the class all together because I just want to spend time talking to her, and only get up out of the seat at Starbucks because she actually had to leave to make it to her dance class on time.
I finish out that day with a huge smile on my face and realize that if I could start my days off with Brittany every day, I would be a lot happier.
I hang out with her for the rest of the school week again, but when Friday rolls around I begin to notice something that I hadn't paid that much attention to the last few weeks that we have hung out.
She's not ever around on the weekend.
I mean, the first couple of weekends I didn't notice because I had other friends ask me to go out with them and I had been gone also. I didn't hook up with anyone, though, because ever since I met Britt I just can't even look at anyone else. They don't intrigue me the way that she does.
But now, this is the second Friday in a row that I've went over to her dorm on Friday evening and her roommate told me that she had left for the weekend.
Does she have a boyfriend back at MIT? Does she have a boyfriend that lives off campus and she goes to stay with him while she doesn't have class?
I find myself getting sick to my stomach over that thought. And extremely jealous even though I know that I have no right to. I mean, I'm not with Brittany. Hell, I don't even think that she's gay and likes me. It just sucks because I like her so much.
I decide to talk to Kitty about it this time because she's actually here in the room while I can actually come in.
"Hey Kitty?" she looks up once I call her name, silently telling me to continue. "You know Brittany from next door, right?"
"Yes, Santana," she smirks. "I don't have quite the lady boner for her that you do, but I know her."
Okay, so Kitty is a bitch and I hate her.
"Shut up" I mumble because there's really no denying it. "Do you know where she goes on the weekends?"
"Okay, I said I know her not stalk her, you creep," she tells me, and if I didn't also just always speak in a bitch tone without realizing it, I would hit her. "You spend a lot more time with her than I do, so how would I know more?"
"Well she said that she knows that guy you're fucking, Jake, so I thought maybe he had told you," I fire back.
"Oh yeah, because our conversations while having sex are usually about the blonde next door. I forgot that he did tell me," she scoffs. That smartass.
"Okay, smartass, just say you don't know. It was just a simple question."
"Says the queen of sass," she smirks back. I finally give her a little smile because, yeah, she may be right.
I make small talk with her the rest of the night, but I can't keep my mind from wondering where she goes. I'm not going to lie and say that it wouldn't hurt a little if she had a boyfriend because I actually do really like her. Which, I hate. Because I've done such a good job keeping to myself and not getting hurt lately, but god, if you saw her, if you talked to her, you would understand.
I've thought about texting her because we do have each other's numbers, but we really only text if she asks me to come over or something. I don't know if we're there in our friendship, yet.
After the fourth time Kitty makes fun of me for day dreaming about Britt, I roll over, put my head phones in and ignore her. She can shut up.
It's Monday now and I can't wait to talk to Brittany. Not just because I like talking to her, but I really do want to know where she goes on the weekends. It bothered me the whole time, and I even checked with her roommate both Saturday and Sunday just to see if she had come back at all. And I think that really annoyed her roommate because I received a lot of eye rolls.
I look for her as I walk to and from all of my classes and I never see her. Which is not strange because our paths never really cross, but I was just hoping for some kind of miracle.
I wait until after 6:30 to go knock on her door because I know that's when she gets done on Mondays. Not that I'm stalking her or anything, it's just merely an observation.
I knock three times and secretly pray that her roommate doesn't answer again and think I'm some kind of freak. Well, any more of one than she probably already does.
"Hey, San!" Britt says as she swings the door open. "Is Jake over at your dorm again?" She says as she kind of peeks her head out of her door to check and see if there's a sock. It's cute. Ugh, shut up.
"Oh, uh, no. I just, um, I just came to hang out with you actually." Fuck, I'm so lame. Of course she didn't miss me like I missed her. Of course it's weird that I'm just coming over without a reason. I mean I've done it before, but she always asked me to. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
"Oh, cool, come on in." She giggles. "I missed you this weekend."
And okay, what? Is she for real? Are these butterflies in my stomach real?
"Uh, me, too." Cool, still awkward.
"Oh, look, you found her!" Her roommate says as we walk in the door in the most sarcastic tone I've ever heard. And that's saying a lot. I mean, I live with Kitty. And I'm, you know, me. Then, she just pops her headphones back in and stares at her computer like she didn't just drop the biggest awkward bomb in history.
I can actually feel the blood draining from my face. Fuck, of course this would happen. Now Brittany's going to know I'm a loser and probably never want to be around me again. I'm about to say something to cover myself, I really am, but I don't exactly know what to say.
"Oh don't listen to Mercedes, she's just bitter over her ex-boyfriend finding someone new before she did." Brittany tells me in a whisper, attempting to make me feel better.
I just smile and nod as I take my seat next to her on the bed because I still haven't found my voice, yet.
We just kind of sit there for a while, making small talk. She asks how my classes went today, and then after I tell her all about them, she tells me about this girl in her dance class that's really kind of rude to her and it hurts her feelings. And I swear I want to beat the shit out of that girl right then and there. No one should be rude to such a gentle human being. Fuck that.
She asks me if I went to any good parties over the weekend and I kind of see it as my perfect chance to ask her why she's never around.
"No, I didn't really do much, just laid around here. I came by here to see if you wanted to hang out, but she said you went home for the weekend." I said pointing towards her roommate, but quickly put my hand back down when I made eye contact with her and she scowled at me. Brittany kind of giggled at that, which kind of made me have more butterflies, but we're not talking about that right now.
"Oh." She went back to serious after she finished laughing. "I just went home." She says it like she's ashamed by it, and now she's just looking sad and nervous; she's just picking at the fabric of her comforter and avoiding my eyes.
I don't really know what to say because I kind of feel like I'm over stepping some friendship boundaries, but I really want to know. My curiosity gets the best of me, though.
"Do you go home every weekend?" She looks up at me finally and there's a different look in her eyes than I'm used to seeing, but I go on, "because I came by last weekend and you weren't h-"
"Yes, every weekend." She cuts me off and seems kind of upset, but also, just stern. Which I have never heard that tone in her voice.
I just nod, because what else do you do when it seems like you've pissed someone off?
And I should stop there, you know, stop while I'm already behind. Yet, I haven't quite mastered the art of inserting my foot into my mouth so I don't say stupid shit. She obviously wanted the conversation to end there.
"Do you go see a boyfriend, or," I trail off because I really don't know where I was going after I said or, but I just didn't want to end the question.
"Look Santana, I'm sorry that I can't be here every single time you need me, I'm sorry that I have a life other than you, but it's really none of your business." She says in sharp tone. And wow. Okay. I've never felt this feeling before.
It's like I'm embarrassed and sad all wrapped up into one. I can feel myself blushing and my ears feel like they're on fire, but I also feel tears prickling in my eyes. And, yeah, haven't had that feeling in a while, so it really sucks.
I don't even know what to say, like, I'm legit fucking embarrassed right now and just want to run away and not look back, fuck. I get up and glance at Mercedes because I want to know if she just witnessed that and if her looking anywhere but at me and Britt has any indication, she did.
As I'm running out of the door I hear Brittany try to get my attention like she's going to say something, but I'm not going to give her time. I need to get away. This is why I don't ever talk to people. Something always has to fuck it up. Usually me. Fuck.