Harry Potter – The Boy Who Unfortunately Failed In His Attempt To Run Away To Africa
Mr and Mrs Dursley of Number 4 Privet Drive were, according to them, perfectly normal. And, ignoring their startling resemblance to animals, Mr Dursley's blood pressure and their overall horrific ability at picking names – what kind of monster could call their child 'Dudley' – they were… Until the 31st of October 1981…when a bearded man with neon pink earmuffs and only-slightly-clashing fuchsia robes left a one year old baby who may-or-may-not be related to them on their doorstep (this being classed by neither party as child abuse).
Needless to say the Horse A.K.A Petunia Dursley was not pleased. "UNBELIEVABLE!" she screamed at her husband a walrus – sorry, Vernon Dursley. "I bet my sister got herself blown up by a terrorist just to spite me!"
"Well what are we going to do with the brat?" asked Wal – Vernon Dursley.
"It shall be our slave!" declared Petunia triumphantly, and inwardly mused on her genius. After all, they had already gone through fifty six cleaners, who had all quit within the week for reasons unknown to Petunia.
Meanwhile, the orphaned young Harry contemplated running away to Africa and living with a talking walrus (that was significantly thinner than his uncle) and meerkat. However, just as he began to climb out of the basket he'd been dumped in and run to Heathrow Airport, his aunt spotted him.
"After it!" she commanded her husband… the effort it took him to chase after a determined one year old didn't say a lot for his stamina.
"Where should we keep the slave, to prevent its escape." Asked Vernon Dursley, panting from the effort it took to walk down his drive way and back.
"Not in my Duddywuddy's second bedroom!" said Petunia immediately.
"In a dog basket, then?" asked the wal- DAMMIT, Vernon.
"No!" shrieked Petunia, horrified. "It could escape and kill us all!"
"In the garden?" offered Vernon.
"But that's where we're keeping cleaner number fifty seven!" screeched Petunia, reaching for one of her kitchen knives as her irritation reached new heights.
Watching his wife advance with horror Vernon was suddenly inspired (a once in a decade occurrence). "The cupboard under the stairs!"
"Yes…" said Petunia, very slowly lowering the knife, "I could work with that."
And so began Harry Potter's stay at Number 4 Privet Drive (he would later give it zero stars on Trip Advisor).