Welcome to the extended edition of Tugging on a Rope! This pointless Lord of the Rings story is the first to receive this sort of treatment from me, so I wonder how it will be received. Will people like it? Or will they hate it? Or will it be completely ignored? Ah well. I'm going to add a commentary to this story later, so I'll explain more about why I decided to do an extended edition then. Now, please enjoy, and remember: Don't do drugs!

On Middle-Earth, in the heart of the plains of Rohan, there stood Aragorn, tugging on a rope. He tugged on the rope even through snow, sleet, rain and hail, and also while receiving his mail. While he tugged, he constantly repeated the same words to himself. "I must tug on this rope. I must."

Orlando Bloom walked up. "Why, Aragorn? Why must you tug on this rope?"

"Ah! It's Orlando Bloom!" A million fangirls ran at the actor, screaming at the top of their lungs.

Orlando sighed and waved in farewell. "I am sorry, my ladies, but I only have one to which I have pledged my soul. Keira Knightley, here I come!"

He dashed away, followed by the mass of screaming teenagers. Meanwhile, Aragorn continued to tug on the rope. "I must tug on this rope. I must."

Boromir and Faramir strode up, arms on each other's shoulders. Boromir smiled. "Remember this day, brother, for it is a good day."

Suddenly Faramir's cell phone rang. He sighed. "This won't be a good day if someone keeps running my bill up." He plucked the mobile device from his pocket and put it to his ear. "Hello? Oh, hi, Dad…No, I was hanging with Boromir…What do you mean, go to Rivendell? I'm having so much fun with him…Dad, I don't want to go. Send Boromir. He's so much more capable than me…Wait, you really want me to go? Dad, that's like the book, not the movie. Peter Jackson wouldn't like that. " The other person on the cell phone began yelling. Faramir furrowed his brow. "What? Do what to Peter Jackson? Ah well. I love you too Dad." He hung up. "Hey, Boromir, bro, you have to go to Rivendell. Something about forming a fellowship with some short little dudes, Orlando Bloom, and Aragorn." At that moment Faramir noticed Aragorn tugging on the rope. "Oh, hey, Aragorn. Why are you tugging on that rope?"

Boromir held up a hand. "No time for that, my brother. It is time to ride." He leapt on to his horse as James Bond-like music played. "Fear not, Rivendell, Agent 006 is coming. Hah!"

Faramir watched his brother leave. "Poor him. He can't resist the Ring's temptation and ends up getting killed by Uruk-Hai. Though I don't know what that has to do with the Ring's temptation." He shrugged. "Well, on the bright side, I finally get my own room. Maybe now I can sleep in the top bunk instead of the bottom one."

Aragorn, meanwhile, had tugged on the rope the entire time. Faramir gazed at him with pity and compassion. "I know why you tug on that rope, Aragorn. You wonder what the rope's name is. Where it came from. And whether it is truly evil at heart. What lies or threats led it on this long march from home. If it would not whether have stayed there in peace." He paused for dramatic effect. "War will make corpses of all rope."

Aragorn paid him no heed and continued to tug on the rope. "I must tug it. I must."

Faramir then saw a giant sheep falling from the sky. He shouted at Aragorn. "Aragorn, a sheep is coming! Run!"

But Aragorn did not care for his words. As the shadow of the massive, fluffy animal grew larger, he whistled a little tune, tugging on the rope. "I must tug on the rope. I must."

Faramir glanced up at the massive sheep in the sky. How was he going to save Aragorn? Immediately a plan sprung into his mind. "Aragorn, look! It's Arwen!"

Even this didn't distract the future King of Gondor. As always, Aragorn continued tugging on the rope. "I must tug on the rope. I must do it. I must."

Thinking of nothing else, Faramir ran smack-dab into Aragorn, slamming them both to the ground. "I'm not letting you die, alone, Aragorn, King of Gondor, Elessar, the Elfstone, guy with lots of names! My brother! My captain! My king!"

Then Faramir realized it was really idiotic to kill himself along with Aragorn, so he jumped off and sprinted away. When he reached safety he spun back around to watch the great disaster about to unfold.

Aragorn, oblivious to all around him, continued to tug on the rope, even though he was lying on the ground with a giant sheep about to land on him. "I must tug the rope. I must tug it. I must."

Then Frodo and Sam walked up, carrying heavy packs. Frodo sighed. "This journey is so long, Sam. We've gone on for ages without any food, or water, or ESPN. Oh, it makes me want to sing…"

Suddenly Legolas, Gandalf the Grey, Gimli, and Gandalf's brother, Pandalf the Pink, sprung up. Legolas had an electrical guitar, Gandalf the Grey played bass, Gimli took drums, and Pandalf, being very artistic, played the piano, a massive grand piano that happened to be next to the rope. Even though they had no music in front of them and very obviously had never used any musical instrument before, they broke into an epic melody accompanying Frodo's beautiful solo.

"This is the song that never ends; it goes on and on my friends…" Except Frodo was played by Elijah Wood, who had just finished voicing Mumble in Happy Feet, so he had an awful singing voice. So bad was it that the sheep imploded, raining lamb chops on the heroes. Soon Sam decided Frodo had killed off enough innocent animals, so he turned off the hobbit's mike. Realizing he had no chance at carrying a tune, Frodo started dancing.

Gandalf the Grey stared at him. "What are you doing, Frodo?"

The hobbit continued tap-dancing. "I feel happy, pa."

"And what are you doing with your feet?"

Frodo looked down at his furry feet which were rapidly moving in a series of complex patterns that the author couldn't describe accurately so he created a long and overworked sentence. "They're happy too."

Faramir breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness you showed up. Aragorn was about to die, and then Gondor would have no king."

Sam scratched his head. "What about your dad?"

"Oh, he's only a steward."

Gandalf the White popped out of nowhere and whacked Faramir on the head. The son of the steward collapsed. Frodo gasped. "Gandalf?! Why did you do that?!"

"Practice, Frodo. Practice."

Then, Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White realized that they were the same character, so they both spontaneously combusted. Gimli and Legolas also left to braid each other's hair. Only Frodo, Sam, Faramir, and Pandalf the Pink remained. Oh, and there was Aragorn, who had magically gotten to his feet and was still tugging on the rope. "I must tug on the rope. I must."

Sam stared at the unconscious Faramir. "Well, that saves us a lot of trouble. Come on, Gollum, let's go."

Gollum ran up and tackled Sam from behind. The two became tangled in an atrocious melee and rolled away. Frodo chased after them. "Don't hurt him, Sam! He's so innocent! Don't hurt him either, Sméagol! Though he does need the workout…"

Now only Aragorn and Pandalf still stood in the plains of Rohan. Pandalf, being a pointless OC, vanished into thin air. And then there was one… and his name was Aragorn.

"I must tug on the rope. I must."

Faramir opened his eyes. When he caught sight of Aragorn he realized that even though he had succeeded in stopping the evil sheep, he had not distracted the future King of Gondor from his rope tuggingness. Then the grammar police came and arrested Faramir, because tuggingness is not a weird. That explanes why a litle red line cums under it when your typing in Microsopht Office Word. Ah wel. Grammer class, hair I cum.

And so Aragorn continued his tugging on of the rope, repeating his normal phrase. "I must tug on the rope. I must. I must."

Just then, the author strolled up. He waved at the Ranger of the North. "Hi, Aragorn."

"Oh, hi, author." The future King of Gondor continued to tug on the rope. "What have you been up to lately?"

"Not much." The author hummed to himself for a few minutes as he watched Aragorn tug. Finally he became impatient with the whole thing. "Aragorn, why are you tugging this stupid rope?!"

"Because you made me."

The author sighed. "Yeah, I guess I did. Ah well. See you later, Aragorn."

"See ya."

With those words, the author departed, leaving the land in doom and gloom.

Okay, actually, it was still bright and sunny, but that's not what matters. What does matter is that deep in the golden savannah of the fields of Rohan Aragorn was still tugging on the rope and whistling. This pattern continued for a good part of the day. Every couple of minutes or so he would interrupt his whistled melody with his favorite words. "I must tug on the rope. I must."

Just then Arwen walked up, led by Orlando Bloom. The British actor pointed at the future King of Gondor. "This is what I was talking about, Arwen. Aragorn has lost his mind."

Arwen rushed to Aragorn's side. "Aragorn, my love…Why do you tug on this rope?"

But Aragorn ignored her. "I must tug on the rope. I must."

Orlando sighed. "He has been like that for a long, long time. I begin to fear for him. If only we could distract him, somehow…"

Arwen spun around, beaming. "That's it, Guy Patterson!"

Tom Hanks popped up. "No, we are calling the band the Wonders, not the Oneders! Get it in your heads, people!"

Orlando snorted. "Whatever, mullet man. But how are you going to distract him, Arwen?"

"Obviously I'm going to make a piñata. He's loves piñatas." She darted away. "I'll be right back, Orlando."

"What?!" A fangirl appeared in thin air. "Did you say Orlando?! As in Orlando Bloom?! Ohmigoshohmigoshohmigosh! I love you, Orlando!"

A million other teenage girls somehow converged on the spot. "We love you too, Orlando!"

Orlando dashed off, running for his life. "Someday I will marry you, Keira! Some day!"

Then Eomer rode up on his horse. He took of his weird mane-like helmet thingy and strode to Aragorn. "Aragorn, my Uncle desperately needs you! He's been turned all old and moldy again."

Oddly enough, everyone had ignored Tom Hanks, who was still standing next to them. "My mom once said uncles were like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."

"Oh, get out of here." Eomer shoved Tom Hanks off the cliff edge that just happened to be there. He turned back to Aragorn. "Aragorn, stop tugging the rope and summon Gandalf the White!"

Pandalf the Pink emerged from nothing. Eomer sighed. "I said Gandalf, not Pandalf. Sorry, buddy."

Pandalf turned and evaporated. Meanwhile, Aragorn continued to tug on the rope. "I must tug on the rope. I must."

"Whatever. I'm going to stop Wormtongue from hitting on my sister. See you later, loser."

Eomer galloped away into the sunset. No, really, for some reason he had left his horse behind and just galloped away by himself.

Suddenly King Arthur and Patsy ran through, banging coconuts together. Arthur halted and glanced at Aragorn. "Hmmm… I wonder if he wants to join my court at Camelot…"

Just then a Black Rider (or Nazgul, if you want to call them that) had decided to stroll over to the local Wal-Mart and buy some new armored gloves. But as he ambled along, he bumped straight into Arthur, who fell back.

The King of the Britons jumped to his feet, drawing his sword as he did. "It's the Black Knight! I thought I had slain you!"

The Ringwraith shook his head. "No, you're mistaken. I'm not the Black Knight. I'm a Black Rider."

"Rider, Knight, there is little difference." Arthur dropped into a fighting stance. "I shall defeat you once more, for you did not join my court at Camelot!"

The Nazgul almost felt sorry for Arthur. Almost. He whipped out a Morgal blade and stabbed the king. Arthur collapsed on the ground.

"Ow! I have been bested."

As Patsy dragged the king away, the Black Rider sheathed his blade. "That'll show him." A bloodcurdling shriek passed from his throat. He coughed. "Oops. Must have been those burritos I had for breakfast."

He walked away, leaving only Aragorn, still tugging on the rope. "I must tug on the rope. I must."

In fact, Aragorn was so intent on tugging on the rope that he didn't even hear the conversation of two hobbits nearby. A conversation dealing with emotion, loss, and, above all, music.

"It all started when I was born."

Pippin took a deep breath. He had never thought he would be able to come clean about his deepest, darkest secret. But now, as Merry and he walked through the plains of Rohan, he felt the need to burst it out.

"My mom never hugged me. All of my cousins hated me. They always called me names and made fun of the fact that I got 'melon' and 'mellon' confused. So I started this hobby, so I would have something to do."

Merry nodded, listening intently. Actually, he wasn't listening intently, but he looked like he was, and it's the thought that counts. Or something like that.

Pippin continued. "So, as my hobby, I started collecting..." He paused for dramatic effect. "Movie soundtracks."

Merry gasped. "No!"

"Yes! It's true! I'm a film score nerd!" Pippin burst into tears. "I'm so glad I came out and said it! I feel so much better now! I'm so glad you're here, Merry!"

"No, not that, Pip. Isn't that Aragorn?"

Pippin dried his eyes and then stared where Merry was pointing. Sure enough, Aragorn stood in the middle of the tall grass, tugging on a rope. He seemed to be saying something to himself. Pippin dashed towards him, followed by Merry. "Aragorn! Aragorn! How are you?!"

But the future King of Gondor ignored them. Merry furrowed his brow. "Now isn't that odd?" Merry whipped out a guitar. "Maybe playing a tune on this here rock guitar will help him."

A bald guy appeared. "No, Charlie. You can't have your drugs."

"What? Locke? What the heck are you doing here?"

A sniper shot Locke, who collapsed in great pain. "Ow…Blow open the hatch…It's the only…hope…"

"Whatever." Merry turned back to Aragorn. "So, Aragorn, why are you tugging on the rope?"

Aragorn tugged on the rope. "I must tug on the rope. I must."

Pippin shrugged. "I don't think he's going to tell us anything, Merry. Maybe we should jump on him until he starts talking."

Merry shook his head. "No, Pip. We should take turns braiding his hair until he finally gets us to stop."

"Oh! We could get him to write a melody and sing a cappella! He always seem to love doing that sort of thing in the movies!"

"Wait, I have it. We can tie up his sword and then—"

The sound of galloping hooves interrupted them. They looked up to see two horses approaching from the horizon. Merry squinted at the riders. "Why, I do believe that is Eomer and Théoden riding towards us."

Sure enough, Eomer and Théoden rode up to them, positioned on their steeds. The King of Rohan and his nephew dismounted and studied Aragorn. Théoden sighed. "It was as I feared. Aragorn is in a state of madness. His ship is unsinkable, even if it was hit by an iceberg while Kate Winslett and Leonardo DiCapario danced to Irish music in the Third Class." He jumped back on his horse. "Ah well. Farewell, everyone."

He galloped away on his horse, followed by Eomer, who once again forgot his own steed and went on foot. Merry furrowed his brow again. "What was the point of that visit?"

Pippin thought for a moment. "I guess it was for the author to put in a really lame reference to the movie Titanic." Suddenly Pippin's eyes fell on the grand piano sitting on the grass. "Ah! A piano! I will recreate music from my favorite film scores!"

But Eomer's horse, at that very moment, rammed into Pippin, sending him plunging off the cliff that happened to be nearby. Merry jumped after him. "Pippin! I think we've found another shortcut to mushrooms!"

Aragorn, oblivious to all around him, continued tugging on the rope. "I must tug on the rope. I must."

Arwen strode to him, her graceful steps gracefully full of grace. She held up a colorful piñata of a horse. "Now I shall draw your attention with this piñata." She whipped out a large metal mace and grinned maniacally. "I'm going to bust it open. Stupid Peter Jackson, barely giving me any fight scenes. This'll show him!"

"Wait." The piñata gazed up at her with sad eyes. "You don't want to break me open. I'm a magical piñata. I will grant you three wishes."

Arwen raised her eyebrows. "This seems like a trick of Sauron. And isn't this making a mockery of the commercial for Viva Piñata?"

"Yes, except I actually grant you those wishes. I am a very truthful piñata, not like the vagabonds you see around these days. So, what is your first wish?"

"Hmmmm…" Arwen put a hand on her chin. "I wish I had a dad who isn't so ugly."

"Done. Tom Cruise is now your dad."

"What?!" Arwen's mouth dropped open in amazement. "I can't have him as my dad! Are you crazy?! I guess next you'll make Katie Holmes my mom?!"

"Okay, fine, fine, I'll give you a rain check. Your dad is now Brad Pitt."

She nodded. "Much better. Now, let's see…For my second wish, I want a Popsicle. Grape-flavored."

A purple Popsicle popped into her hand. She beamed. "Yippee!"

As she sucked on her popsicle, she thought about her third wish. What would she wish for? A giant billboard? Lots of money? Sacred marriage? She glanced at Aragorn. She could wish for him to stop tugging on the rope.

The piñata coughed. "Ahem."

"Oh. Right." She took a deep breath, hoping she had made the right choice. "I wish for…the One Ring!"

"Done."

The Ring landed in her hand. She admired it. "It's the One Ring to Rule Them All. It's my own. My precious."

The piñata hurried away. "Quick, before the author uses me for something stupid! Though, he kind of already has…"

Arwen slipped the Ring on and disappeared. "Ha hah ha hah ha hah ha! I have the One Ring! I claim its power! I am the ruler of Middle-Earth!"

Gollum leapt at her. "No! The precious is mine!"

The two tussled on the ground. Aragorn continued to tug on the rope, now whistling a slightly Western melody with a mix of Christmas-y sounds. Gollum somehow stole the Ring and put it on. Arwen bit his finger off, claiming the Ring for her own. Gollum stumbled off the edge of the cliff. Arwen held up the Ring. "I now rule all!"

Just when it seemed all had turned to darkness, Pandalf the Pink dashed towards Arwen. He rammed into her, knocking the Ring from her grasp. A clone of Pippin jumped to the piano and started to play triumphant music. Aragorn joined with his whistling, and the two produced a beautiful medley of instrument and voice. Arwen fell to her knees. "No! I could have rulled the world! NOOOOOOO!"

The grammar police came and arrested Arwen for misspelling 'ruled.' Odd, since they're the grammar police, you think they wouldn't arrest people for spelling mistakes. Definitely odd, and curious at that.

Pandalf vanished into thin air. Pippin's clone took a swan dive off the cliff edge. Soon only Aragorn remained, tugging on the rope. "I must tug on the rope. I must."

Dr. Phil walked up to Aragorn. "Aragorn, I think you have a problem in your life."

The same sniper who shot Locke targeted Dr. Phil and fired. However, Dr. Phil had Matrix-like skills, so he dodged the sniper's bullet. "Looks like I have a person to defeat." Dr. Phil sprouted a cape and flew away. "Oprah, here I come!"

A penguin waddled up. The Arctic bird went to the piano and started to play a version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." This caused a mass of people to crowd around, admiring the penguin's remarkable skill, made even more remarkable because the penguin had no fingers. This beautiful music drew Merry and Pippin, who were carrying loads of mushrooms.

Merry smiled at his friend. "See, Pip, I told you we found a shortcut to mushrooms."

Pippin furrowed his brow. "Actually, we landed next to a Kroger's and bought all of those mushrooms there."

"Whatever. We all got mushrooms in the end, didn't we?" Merry whipped out a frying pan, vegetable oil, and a lighter. "Good thing I always carry this lighter around for my Longbottom Leaf."

Pippin shook his head. "You smoke to much, Merry."

"Whatever. Just because I'm this drug addict on Lost doesn't give you an excuse to rip my pipe habits." He lit a small stack of kindling. "Soon, my mushrooms, soon I will have you. Once you are cooked in this fire."

The cooking mushrooms produced a wondrous smell. This beautiful aroma even affected Aragorn, who broke away from his dream-like state and realized where he was. He stared down at the rope in his hands. He chuckled. "Now what's that doing there?"

Suddenly he saw some people watching the Return of the King Extended Edition on a huge plasma TV. He snapped his fingers. "Hey, I just remembered. I have to go become the King of Gondor and kill tons of Orcs."

He drew his really, really long sword. "To Minas Tirith! To the White City!" He charged off into the sunset. This was very weird because it was noon and the sun was high in the sky. Ah well. I guess Aragorn is just very, very talented.

And so ended the saga of Aragorn tugging on the rope. But just as the lights were about to dim, and Merry and Pippin were about to devour their feast of 'shrooms, the penguin ripped off its disguise to reveal…a cloaked figure! The crowd gasped. The cloaked figure chuckled. "I've been waiting forever for this moment! It's time for you to die, Aragorn!" He looked around. "Wait! Where did he go?"

Pippin spoke through a mouthful of mushroom. "He...glop glop glop…left."

"Oh butterscotch!" The cloaked figure disappeared, but not before leaving a warning. "I'll get you some day, Aragorn! Some day! Some day!"

Aragorn popped up. "Some day you'll what, huh?"

The cloaked figure froze, not expecting the future King of Gondor to challenge him. "Well, I…I…I have to kill you!"
"Why?"

"Because! It is my destiny!"

Then a giant portal appeared and sucked the cloaked figure away. He screamed as he left. "No! I am The End! I must kill off at least one character! I must talk to the author!"

Everyone stared at the spectacle as the cloaked figure disappeared. Actually, only Aragorn was watching. Everybody else was staring at Merry and Pippin devouring mushrooms or watching the Return of the King Extended Edition, because they, like the author, think it's way better than the original theatrical film.

Aragorn gazed at the peace and serenity of the nameless civilians. "I only wish that I could join them. Sadly, I must go and talk in a really low inside voice and stab Orcs and lead the Fellowship and then resist the Ring and then become the King of Gondor, fight Sauron, and win in a really cool duel. Too bad they cut that last part out of Return of the King. It would have been so cool."

With that, he ran off, ready to fulfill his destiny.

THE END…

Well, for now, anyway