Rachel sat across her dining room table from Santana and Brittany, looking down in embarrassment while Santana's face was contorted in something that was a mix between anger and confusion and Brittany, well, Brittany had spent twenty minutes staring at the light fixture hanging above the table. Team unity in the Glee Club had been off the charts since they won Nationals five months prior and the friendship between the three girls is one of the reasons said unity was possible. If Santana Lopez and Rachel Berry could walk through the halls, arms linked together, and laughing hysterically at who knows what, then it wasn't unthinkable to imagine a more peaceful world entirely. It was now October of their senior year and, aside from the occasional hour long or two day break up, Rachel and Puck had been happily together ever since.
"So, let me get this straight," Santana began, "Puck. Noah Puckerman. Man whore Noah Puckerman. The same Noah Puckerman who has, admittedly, had sex with just about everything in this town with a vagina-"
"Thank you, for that reminder."
"My cat has a vagina, does that mean-" Santana brought her hand up, cutting Brittany off, without looking away from Rachel.
"Puck is refusing to have sex with you?" Still looking down, Rachel nodded, "Why? I mean, what's the big deal? You two went at it right after we won Nationals." Rachel's face immediately took on an expression of guilt, "You did have sex after Nationals…right?"
"Uh-huh." She wouldn't look her friend in the eye.
"Berry…look at me." She shook her head in refusal and Santana understood why. She slammed her hand down on the table in frustration, startling the other girls, "Unbelievable! You mean to tell me, I had the imprint of Lauren Zizes' fist in my forehead for a week so you two could, what? Cuddle and talk about your feelings?"
"I'll have you know, my shirt came off that night…twice."
"Well, whooptie friggin' doo. Alert the Girls Gone Wild film crew, we've got a loose one on our hands!"
"I'm sorry Santana but I never actually said we-"
Santana narrowed her eyes at the girl and Rachel immediately stopped talking and waited. The Latina took a deep, calming breath, "Okay. Explain it to me…one more time."
Rachel still looked nervous but proceeded, "The night of Nationals, things got rather…heated, between the two of us."
"Did you try using the air conditioner?" Brittany asked. The other girls looked at her briefly then Rachel returned to the story.
"So heated, I may have implied that I was prepared to have more intense physical relations with him."
Without looking at her girlfriend, Santana could tell she was already confused, "Layman's for Britt."
"When I asked if he had a condom, he pulled away from me, and said he wanted to wait. But then, the next day, he went on and on about…" She stopped and blushed, "Let's just say he was very clear about what he wanted to do to me and how soon he would be doing it. Five months later and we still haven't…" her blush deepened.
"Had sex Berry, sealed the deal, bumped uglies, knocked boots, did the dirty, tapped that ass, not seeing nothing wrong with a little bump and grind. Aren't you the same girl who, a few years ago, was spreading the good word that we shouldn't be ashamed to spread our legs? Screaming SEX, SEX, SEX from the mountain tops...What changed?"
"That was when I was trying to get Finn's attention and I thought it would impress him. Besides, I knew he didn't have any idea what he was doing just the same as I didn't. But Noah knows how to do certain things and I get anxious and flustered thinking about what a more physical relationship with him would entail."
"Do you think, maybe not being able to talk about it, without turning the shade of Heather Samson's lipstick-"
"Total slut." Brittany added quietly.
"Is your problem?" Santana finished, "He probably thinks you're not ready."
"Oh no. I'm ready." Rachel disagreed, "I was ready well before we made things official."
"No kidding? Rachel Berry wanted to have sex with a boy she wasn't in a long term, committed relationship with. Gasp. The horror. Why don't you just forget Puck and skip straight to turning tricks you sex crazed hooker?"
"I don't appreciate your attempt at humor when I'm coming to you, as a friend…" She emphasized the word 'friend', "…in a time of great crisis."
"Well, if you can't get laid by Noah Puckerman, you're right, it is a great crisis. You want to know how easy it is to have sex with Puck…wait…I just did." She changed her tone when she noticed Rachel was getting upset, "Have you tried telling him what you want?"
"Yes. Many times, especially when we're already well on our way there."
"And?"
"He always makes an excuse to stop," She lowered her voice to impersonate her boyfriend, "Babe, your dads will be home soon, I promised the boys we'd hang out, I have to go home and help my mom make cookies for the Temple bake sale." She returned to her own voice, "Which, was really weird because we were actually at his house and I knew his mom wasn't going to be home until much later. Would you like to know how I knew that? She said so herself then winked at me right before she left."
Brittany offered her input, "Maybe he's gay. I hear it can be contagious." She looked worried and asked Santana, "What if he caught it from us?" She turned back to their friend, "I'm so sorry Rachel."
Santana was always happy to accept a challenge. Besides, after her and Brittany, Puck and Rachel were the hottest couple at McKinley…a fact that only the Glee Club acknowledged as the rest of the school continued to slushy them and call them freaks. Sure, they had their ups and downs, like last year when they broke up for two days just before the end of school because Rachel saw a Sophomore Cheerio flirting with Puck in the hall, while he clearly wasn't interested. Instead of getting pissed and cutting the bitch, she got really insecure and it led to a huge blowup when she told him she didn't know if she could accept his sordid past. By the way, who says sordid?
Things came to a head on the last day of Glee Club, when Mr. Schuester had everyone sing a song about their feelings…again. So she chose 'I Hate Myself for Loving You' and he countered with 'Crazy Bitch'. Then they both stormed out of the choir room, Rachel screaming she never wanted to see him again, and Santana knew the girl had roped Puck into another Friends marathon when he replied, first by faking a sob, then shouting, "FINE BY ME!" Later that night, they walked up to Santana's house, to pick her up for Mike and Tina's end of the year bash, hand in hand, smiling, and sharing the kind of kisses all night that reinforced Santana's belief that they had, no doubt, had sex.
"Alright Berry. We'll help you." Rachel's eyes lit up and she smiled brightly. Before she could say anything, Santana continued, "But first, you have to say it."
Rachel didn't ask, she knew what Santana was telling her. She glanced around nervously then spoke quietly, "Sex."
"Nu-uh. Like you mean it."
Rachel raised her tone slightly, "Sex."
"I'm sorry, I thought you wanted our help. We'll just go. Call us when you're ready." Santana stood to leave, pulling Brittany up with her.
"SEX!" Rachel screamed, not wanting to lose her only chance at getting what she wanted.
"Sex with who?"
"Noah!"
"Noah?" Santana squinted her eyes, trying to recall who she might be speaking of.
"Noah Puckerman!"
"Altogether now." The girl motioned her arms like she was directing an orchestra.
"I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH NOAH PUCKERMAN!" And, at that exact moment, they heard the front door close. Rachel gasped, covering her mouth with her hands, eyes wide with horror, while Santana fought a laugh and Brittany looked around the room, unsure of where the noise had come from.
"Everything okay in here princess?" Dad appeared in the doorway, trying to pretend he didn't hear his daughter's declaration.
She buried her face in her hands, "Yes dad."
He cleared his throat and looked at the other girls, only slightly relieved that her statement meant that she hadn't, yet, had sex with her boyfriend. It was something he and the other Mr. Berry had been worried about for months when they caught him, dangling from her window sill, in his underwear, and their daughter draped in the shirt he had left behind, trying to act natural. The next day, they took her to the doctor for a birth control prescription, despite her insistence that they weren't even having sex yet. Yeah right. Like they'd believe that. Especially knowing Noah Puckerman's track record with the ladies. There's no way he wasn't…He stopped his brain mid thought and decided to change the subject, "You girls staying the night?"
"Yes, Mr. Berry." Santana replied sweetly, smiling up at the man, "We have a project to work on for school."
"Oh yeah?" He asked, sitting at the table with them, glad for the new topic, "What's the project for?"
"Health class." Santana replied and Rachel dropped her hands quickly to glare at her friend.
"But, Rachel isn't taking a…" He stopped speaking when he realized what she was trying to say. He stood quickly and, once again, changed the subject, "Have you eaten?"
"Not yet." Santana was now speaking for her entirely too embarrassed friend.
"I'll order a pizza then."
"Thank you Mr. Berry." Santana and Brittany spoke simultaneously, smiling sweetly at him as he left the room.
Later that evening, the girls were in Rachel's room, Santana and Brittany were sitting on the edge of her bed, Santana flipping through a magazine, and Rachel was sitting in a nearby chair with a notebook and pen in hand, "Okay. What's the first step?"
Santana didn't look up as Brittany answered, "Identify the objective and plan out the tactical maneuvers we're going to utilize in order to win the battles within the war. Because, not a lot of people realize, war isn't over with one quick fight. It's many small battles spread out over time. We should also establish a chain of command." Rachel stared at Brittany in confusion while Santana acted as if her behavior was nothing new. Brittany explained, "My dad only watches the History and Military channels. He wanted to go in the Army but one of his legs is two inches shorter than the other. Whenever they had to stand at attention, he would always lean to the side." She then leaned slightly to demonstrate her point and sat back up, "We should also pick code names because they're awesome."
Rachel tried to be the General, four star General mind you, but the other girls maintained that, since she'd be carrying out their orders, she was merely Private Rachel Berry, codename The Berry Crusher, at Santana's insistence. She was rather hoping for Tiny Dancer, a nod to the great Elton John but, since everything was decided with a vote, and the two other people involved shared a bed on a regular basis, voting never seemed to go her way.
Santana was given the rank of Captain since she would be assisting Brittany with the development of the plans of attack and helping Rachel carry them out. Brittany chose her codename, Santa because she was tired of everyone calling her girlfriend Satan and wanted a name that instilled joy instead of fear.
And, surprisingly, the brains behind the whole operation, Colonel Brittany Pierce, codename Mrs. Clause because well, Santana was Santa and it just seemed right. She refused to be a General since she wanted to limit the amount of power she held. Apparently, power goes to Brittany's head faster than, "a snack cake goes to Mrs. Wilson's thighs." All three girls then laughed at the misfortune of their pear shaped Chemistry teacher.
Brittany covered several plans of attack and her girlfriend perked up at the mention of the 'Booby Trap'. Rachel watched as Santana rushed into her closet, throwing clothes out over her shoulder, "Dog sweater, cat sweater, horse sweater…" She stepped out of the closet holding up another sweater and wearing a confused expression.
"Three toed sloth." Rachel explained, "It hasn't made its way into the rotation yet."
"One, it should never make it's way into the rotation and two, that you have an animal sweater rotation at all makes me seriously question this friendship." She went back into the closet and proceeded to throw more clothes out. She finally gave up and headed for the door.
"Where are you going?" Rachel stood quickly.
"I can't make this whole booby trap thing work with animal sweaters and school girl skirts. I'm running home. Be right back." And she was gone.
Rachel looked over at Brittany, who was now wearing the three toed sloth sweater, "I like it." The blonde stroked the animal on her chest and smiled at her friend.
Just before they left the next morning for school, Brittany put her hands on Rachel's shoulders and stared into her eyes, Rachel stared back, confused as to what was going on, "Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby you can be the director of the opponent's fate…Sun Tzu." She walked away and out the door, leaving Rachel still baffled.
Santana repeated Brittany's actions, hands on Rachel's shoulders, "You can do it, put your ass into it…Ice Cube" Now, that she understood.