Author's note :
Hi everyone! So here I am trying for the first time a Finchel onshot which turns out to be longer that I intended. I hope I did okay at least, and please excuse any mispelings or grammatical erros: I am still learning English.
I want to dedicate this oneshot to my dear friend Vicky, whose Birthday is today! :) So Happy Birthday to you again!
Please let me know what you all think about this :)
Love,
Camille!
"Dear Journal,
I don't really know how to do that stuff of writing down your feelings in a journal, it's pretty much a girl kind of thing, it's what Rachel does I'm pretty sure of it, and if Puck ever come to know about this journal, he will never ever live it down. But anyway, Miss Pillsbury said that it could help me to lay down my thoughts and feelings on a shit of paper, so why not give it a try; I mean she is the guidance counselor, so she know those kind of stuff right?
So here we go :
Sometimes I just wish life was simpler and easier : Why can't I just be plain happy?
When you're a teenager, you read all those beautiful stories - I don't read that much but hum, you know, those stories that everyone know-, you watch all those cute cartoons and movies, well okay I admit it : I may have stay up late with my mom to watch one of her chick movies, but don't tell Puck because he's going to call me a 'corny and cheesy lady' ; anyway, people tell you that life is great and you should enjoy your youth as much as possible, and that being happy is the most important thing. But what if I cannot do that? What if I never find this so-called happiness? Will it mean I didn't make it? Will it mean I screwed my life?
I mean, my life isn't that bad if you regard at it. I have a cozy house to live with my mom, Burt and my new brother Kurt. I am the quarterback of our football team and the male lead in Glee club. Sounds like a pretty good life, right?
When I am with family, friends or people, I always smile (by the way, I noticed that whenever I give my crooked smile to a girl, she's willing to do almost everything for me, especially Rachel but weirdly it doesn't apply to Quinn). So what was I saying again? Oh yeah : when I am in public, I always pretend that everything is great, life is good, and that I am the perfect son: focus on his studies, well educated, smart, nice, sporty... When it was only my mom and I, I made a promise that I will do whatever it takes to make her proud when that douchbag Emerald lawn guy left her – she needs it and I kind of owe it to her.
But what if I was tired of being that person everyone want me to be? What would they think if they knew the real me?
1) What would they say if they knew that every night when I go to bed after playing X-Box I cry myself to sleep, because I feel so insecure about my look, because I'm totally failing my classes and didn't tell anyone and that I'm so scared about it.
2) What if they knew that having this image of the star football popular teenage boy made my ex-girlfriend, Quinn, cheat on me and have a baby girl with my best friend, Puckerman, and also made my latest ex-girlfriend Rachel cheat on me with that same guy for "revenge"? (That one was confusing)
3) What if they knew that I'm definitely not happy with who I am and who I am becoming?
4) What if they knew that I don't give a damn shit about money and that I would rather live in a trailer and be happy?
5) What if they knew I feel so alone?
6) What if they knew I am so tired to pretend?
7) What if they knew I am not as perfect as they believe I am?
8) What if they knew that I miss my father so much, that it hurts, here, on the left on my chest?
9) What if they knew that when I rant about going out of Lima for good, I still think I am going to be a Lima-looser forever?
WHAT IF.
That's all I can think about: what if?
My life and my entire existence (don't think because I'm only a teenager I haven't lived anything yet) could be based on something wrong and maybe if I took another decision in my past maybe everything could be better today. Maybe life could be different, maybe I could be happy with simple things, maybe I would stop thinking about everything and overanalyze every freaking aspects of my life - but I just can't.
I wish I had someone for me, loving me, someone who truly care about me, who would hold me and put away all the pain and the tears I have, I wish I had that one person I could count on; but that's not the case, I'm alone, just on my own, I can only count on myself. And I am so tired of being alone, so tired of not being me. In a way, I wish I was more like Rachel : I mean, not like being a girl or a Barbra and Broadway obsessed, but you know being strong, independent, driven… I really do admirED her for that. Yes I put the "ed" in capitals and bold, because I don't want to feel anything for her, she just broke my heart when she went to Puckerman for revenge after the whole Santana-first-time-sex gate. I am done with her, I don't want to have anything to do with Rachel; she played with my feelings and just squashed down my heart and my low self-esteem at the same time. I still can't believe she did that, I really thought we had something special together. And even if it's hard to admit it, hopefully she will never know that but when I learned about her and Puck, I was so hurt; even more than the time Quinn cheated on me. Rachel was my very first true love: the one I could spend hours just looking into her beautiful big brown eyes and not saying anything but just smile and not being embarrassed because of the silence. She was that person I could lean on, and tell her all my secrets, hopes, fears and dream without being judge. But I guessed we were just not meant to be, that's all. So yes, I admired her – and anyway I shouldn't even be speaking about her, I said I was done with her : ugh what is wrong with me?
In the end, I don't even know who I am and what I want; I am so scared about the future and what it holds for me.
I wish I could have a time machine and go in the future to check and see if I am happy and if everything is going well for me, and then come back in the present and feel good because I know everything will be alright in a few years. I don't know who I am, and I don't know what I want. I'm just so lost. What if I wasn't good for anything, and what if my life becomes a mess? You know, I am pretty sure I am going to follow the "Lima life style", forever stuck in this loser town and be a Lima-dummy (Quinn told me that one day, nice! Right? But I guess she was right.).
I just want to be happy that's all. I know it's a lot to ask, but it's the only thing I am asking for, I know it's also a bit selfish since I could wish for a million of other stuff, like Glee Club winning Nationals this year or Artie having his legs working again (I don't know if that's possible, but Brittany told me it was), or wining the regional football tournament….
You know what I mean? I need to find THIS THING that will switch everything and make everything perfect in my life.
Even if it's weird to be living with Kurt and having him as my brother (I'm getting used to it, in a good way of course), the other day after Glee club when we just got home, I decided to speak with him about all of this (not the Rachel part of course, because you know, Kurt and Rachel are like twinsies, so I am sure if I speak about her he will immediately tell her… Darn it! Here, I am again speaking about her).
Anyway, I went to him because you know he seems to have overcome so much and to be pretty happy with himself now. But all he came with, was that I needed to go shopping for a new "garde robe" as he said (he loves to use French words and I absolutely have no idea of what he is talking about half of the time when he uses those). But I am pretty sure that buying clothes or a new garde-whatever-the-word-is will not help me with all my issues. That won't make me perfect and neither will it make me find that thing, that little spark which will change everything and make my life a better and brighter one.
I don't know if I did a good job, writing down all of this, and I am pretty sure I did a lot of grammatical misspellings and I am definitely not good when it comes to words. Ms Pillsbury said that I should feel relieve, relaxed and even maybe bubbly (I think that's the word to say really really really happy right?), but I just really don't. I feel even more depressed.
Finn H."
.
Hands holding the notebook, a few tears had fallen on the page, making it wet and almost fading away the ink. Those tears were tears of pain but also of happiness. Yes Finn was at the bottom at this time; he was desperate, sad and in a dark place as you could say.
"What's wrong baby, why are you crying babe?" said Finn.
He had just storm in his room, coming home from his very last football practice of high school to find his girlfriend crying sitting on his bed. Yes, he was back with her, with Rachel. It was a long story, but they got over the whole story and now they were happily as ever, engaged and ready to live together in New-York next fall.
"If you found the stack of Playboy magazines, I swear I can explain! They're not mine! Puck wanted me to keep them for him because his mother was threatening him to send him to the youth rehabilitation center if he didn't act like a better Jewish boy. That's what he told me I promise you!" said Finn super fast.
But she didn't stop crying, and instead shake her head and said "No it's not that Finn" she said in a very low whisper voice, that he almost didn't hear her.
"Then did I miss something? I was supposed to pick you up for our date at your house at seven right?" he said with a worried tone that he tried to hide, but only made his voice sounds like when he had it change in junior high. Yeah, hormones are not really easy for boys either.
Without any warning she was standing up, running into his arms and kissing him like if they were sharing their last kiss. They only parted when he needed air.
"Listen Rach, I don't know what I did, I am so sorry. Whatever I did, I promise I will make it up to you." He said looking right into her still teary eyes.
"Finn, you didn't do anything wrong. You're the best boyfriend I could ever ask for, and you know I set my expectations very high. It's not that. I…I…I am so so sorry. I didn't know I hurted you so badly and that you were so unhappy. If I could go back in the past, everything would be different, and if I could, I would take all the pain away from you Finn. I love you, I really do, and it kills me to know I did that to you."
"I don't understand what you're speaking about Rachel. I am really ha…" he hadn't time to finish his sentence, because she had gave him something he automatically recognize. His notebook.
He only had written one entry, when Miss Pillsbury had told him it was a good thing to do; but then he got really bored and annoyed doing this. It was a girl thing to write a journal, and besides he hated writing, so yes he kind of left it off and it got lost in the mess in his room.
He put the notebook on his desk and took his short girlfriend in his arm giving a hug and resting his chin on the top of her head. "You know Rachel, you shouldn't snoop around my stuff".
He released her from his hug, take her hands in his and look at her with a big smile.
"I wasn't, I just wanted to make a surprise. Kurt gave me the keys of your house and I was planning on dropping a box of your favorite chocolate in your wardrobe, so that you would find it later, after changing clothes before picking me up for our date, and then I find your notebook and, ok, I have to admit it, I read what you wrote inside. But look Finn, that's not the point. I am sorry I made you feel so miserable, I truly am. I cannot even express how I wish I could change everything becau…"
He cut her off. He wasn't really used to do that, because most of the time she was the one doing the talking and he was just gazing at her in amazement still wondering how he got so lucky to have Rachel as his girlfriend, now fiancée and soon to be wife.
But still, he did it, he cut her off : "Rachel, don't apologize. You're not the only one to blame in the story, I have my responsibilities too. And babe, you know you can't change anything from our past, it happened, it was hard, tough and painful. But in the end, it made us! It made us who we are today, happy, in love and more stronger than ever! I love you Rachel, more then you will ever know and more than I could even tell you. You are my very first true love and the only one. Never ever forget this." He was starting to tear up a little too.
"I love you too Finn, and I am really happy you see things like this, but what about that thing, did you find it?" she said with tears still in her eyes.
"I did. And I am keeping it forever with me" He was smiling, because he truly found that thing, and he still didn't understand how he didn't saw it when he was so down at that time. It was just right in front of him the entire time. But now he had it, and he was definitely keeping it with attention, carefulness and devotion until his last day. It was his. He reach her cheek and wiped away her tears. He then held her close against him, feeling her breathing and still trembling. He closed his eyes and smile, smelling her strawberry shampoo the one he never get enough of smelling, he thought that he was the luckiest on hearth.
"What is it?" she suddenly said.
"What?" he asked looking at her grinning, because he obviously knew what she was speaking about.
"The thing you found. That thing you were speaking about and that could change you world from pain to the ultimate bliss. What is it? Is it your admission for The Actor Studio?"
"My thing is very precious, beautiful, one of a kind and so delicate. It is what I was looking for the whole time. It is what made my dark place sunnier and happier. I will never get rid or annoyed of that thing; now that I have it, I am not letting it go, it's mine forever. And I love that thing, oh yes! Only God knows how much I love it. Did I tell you how that thing was making me happy? Because it really does, it light up my whole world. When I fall asleep I smile thinking about it, and when I wake up I am still smiling because I still have that thing. I just simply love it, adore it, and I will never ever get enough of it"
"Finn, I don't understand. What is it? You didn't answer me, did you got a notification letter from TAS letting you know you had your place next fall in New-York?" Although her eyes were still puffy and red from the tears, she was brightly smiling. She was so proud of him, he finally found the courage to put words on his dreams. She was truly happy for him, and will always support him. And now he was about to tell her that he was going to the college he applied and the one he wanted the most in New-York: it was the best news of the day! It was her dream come true too, because they were going to start their life in the Big Apple next fall together, and she couldn't wait for it!
He smiled. "No, I still haven't heard from them".
"But then wh…" he stopped her from speaking again, putting his finger on her lips.
"My thing is actually in this room. It's a person. And that person is a girl. And that girl is you Rachel."
THE END
Hope you enjoyed !