"The Good Season Eight" of "That '70s Show" - Picking up exactly from the finale of Season Seven, what would have happened if Randy hadn't been around, Kelso had stayed, Eric had returned, and Hyde & Jackie... well, read on and see! Don't forget to review!
Daytime, Basement
Jackie is reading a magazine on the couch near Hyde's chair. Fez is sitting in the folding chair. Charlie is sitting on the couch near Fez' chair. Kelso is standing by the shower, playing with goggles. Hyde's chair is noticeably empty. Donna enters with an envelope.
DONNA : Look! Another letter from Eric!
JACKIE : Again? Hasn't he written three times this past week?
DONNA : (opens letter) Yes. Because he loves me, Jackie. (beat) And maybe because I told him he had to.
JACKIE : How can that work for you and not for me? I'm the master at telling guys what to do!
KELSO : (has the goggles on now) Not really. I mean, you told me to leave your motel room, and I took a shower instead. I'd say someone is losing their touch!
CHARLIE : (to Fez) Is it always like this?
FEZ : Oh, my friend. How much you have to learn still. Watch and listen.
DONNA : (reading letter) "Dear Donna, I love you." (she grins and looks at everyone) He loves me! "Today wasn't so bad, except for the lion that tried to eat me after someone stuck their hand in it's..." What the hell? Why do I want to hear about that part?
KELSO : I was almost eaten by a lion once.
JACKIE : There are no lions in Wisconsin, Michael!
KELSO : Shows how much YOU know.
CHARLIE : So, when is Hyde coming back? I kind of miss all the compliments he'd give me whenever I'd bring another case of beer around here.
FEZ : (whispers) Oh, Charlie. Charlie, Charlie, Charlie. That was not a good thing to say!
JACKIE : (upset) He's been gone for a month, and I don't even know where! And stupid Donna's getting love letters from Eric practically every day. Oh my God. I AM losing my touch!
DONNA : (walks to Jackie and hands her the letter) Here. You can pretend it's from Hyde and that it's for you. (as Jackie reads it, to Charlie) You're a cool guy, Charlie. You don't need beer to make us like you.
KELSO : Yeah-huh!
FEZ : It is most helpful, actually.
CHARLIE : Um... okay, I'm going to get more beer then. (leaves)
DONNA : (smacks Kelso) What did you do that for? (beat) And take the stupid goggles off!
FEZ : (as Kelso takes the goggles off) Charlie is a good friend, but you've been talking to him more than any of us, Donna. Would you like to tell us something?
DONNA : No.
FEZ : Are you SURE?
DONNA : Yes.
FEZ : You are not doing it with him?
DONNA : (smacks Fez) I feel like Hyde right now.
JACKIE : (finishes the letter) Oh. That was the best letter Steven has ever written to me! (Donna steals the letter back. Jackie steals it back from her. Donna steals it one last time and gets ready to leave) Donna, wait. What am I going to do? I want him back.
RED : (from upstairs, as he slowly makes his way down) You're going to stop complaining and get the hell out of my basement! I finally have Laurie, Eric, and Steven gone, but you kids still stick around for no reason! If you're not out of here by the time I count to three, my foot is going to find a home in ALL of your asses! One...
FEZ : He's just teasing.
RED : Two...
KELSO : Yeah, I don't think so this time.
RED : Three! (all of them scramble out the basement door until Red is alone) Dumbasses. (picks up the letter Donna left and reads it) What the hell? Why do I want to hear about that part?
Cut to Opening Credits
ACT ONE
Daytime, Donna's bedroom
Donna is sitting on her bed, pillow and pad in lap, writing out a letter.
Donna (voice over) : "Dear Eric, I love you. But why in the hell did you think I wanted to hear about the lion? You know I'm only interested in three things."
She laughs to herself.
Donna (voice over) : "Not that, you pervert. I want to know that you love me, I want to know that you're loving teaching, and I want to know when you're coming home."
There's a knock on the door.
Donna : Come in.
Bob steps into the room, wearing his usual awful clothing, only today his shirt has a distinctly tropical print.
Bob : What'cha up to, pumpkin?
Donna : Writing a letter to Eric. What's with the Ricky Ricardo shirt, Dad?
Bob : Well, ever since I went out with Pammy, I guess some of her taste for the tropics rubbed off on me.
Donna : I hope not, Dad, considering what's been rubbing up against her in the tropics.
Bob : (shakes his head) Anyhoo, I decided take a few Mambo lessons. I figure if I can go to a place where I get to put my hand two inches from a lady's fanny right from the get-go, I'm ahead of the game.
Donna : (laughs) Have fun, Dad.
Bob leaves and Donna resumes her writing.
Donna (voice over) : "Let's see, what do I need to catch you up on? Well, I told you about what happened with Kelso and Hyde in Chicago, but the longer Hyde's gone, the more nervous Kelso is getting..."
DISSOLVE TO FLASHBACK
Night, Basement
Donna and Kelso are on the couch, watching TV, and Fez is in his chair, picking through a bag of candy. Charlie is off to the side, stacking beer cans in the shower. Kelso is noticeably nervous and every few seconds, whips his head around towards the door or the stairs.
After the third or fourth time of this, Donna smacks Kelso's arm.
Donna : Dammit, Kelso, I told you to cut that out! This is worse than that time Hyde dared you to eat a whole sack of sugar!
Kelso : Hyde's the one I'm worried about! You didn't see him, Donna-- he was pissed. I mean super-pissed. I mean, I didn't know if steam was gonna come out of his ears, or his 'fro was gonna start standing on end, or what!
Fez : And just what was Hyde supposed to think? The motel room of his woman, and a pretty man like you naked... it's like a 'Penthouse' letter gone bad!
Kelso : But I keep telling you guys, nothing happened!
Donna : Maybe you should have tried to explain that to Hyde, instead of running around the parking lot in your birthday suit.
Kelso : Look, Donna, by the time I got myself covered up, Hyde was gone and Jackie had locked her door.
Charlie : Man, Kelso, Hyde is really gonna kick your ass when he comes back.
The door opens, and Kelso goes diving over the couch, falling hard. It's Jackie. Kelso stands, brushes himself off and sighs in relief.
Kelso : Oh, thank God, Jackie. I thought I was about to get my ass kicked.
Jackie suddenly explodes, charging at Kelso.
Jackie : YOU ARE!
They fall behind the couch, out of view. Limbs are seen flailing, while the others look over the couch to watch.
Donna : I'm so conflicted! I know it's wrong, but I can't stop watching!
Fez : (serious tone) Now you understand what it's like for me in your closet.
Charlie : Please somebody stop them.
Fez : Okay, okay.
Fez reaches behind the couch and pulls Jackie off Kelso. Kelso stands, brushing himself off.
Kelso : Damn, Jackie, what the hell?
Jackie : (struggles against Fez) You drove Steven away, and now I can't find him!
Donna : Jackie, nobody can find Hyde. He never came back from Chicago!
Jackie : What!
Donna walks up to Jackie as Jackie shakes off Fez. Donna hugs her.
Donna : I'm sure he's just blowing off steam or something, and he'll be back before we know it.
Jackie : (sniffles) No... he's gone. I lost my boyfriend, and it's all Michael's fault!
Kelso : Hey!
Fez steps into the middle of the group and tries to play peacemaker.
Fez : Okay, I think we should all settle down. Kelso got beaten by a girl, and I got to cop a feel. All in all, I think that went pretty well.
DISSOLVE BACK to Donna's bedroom
Bob (off-screen) : Donna! Come downstairs-- Daddy threw his back out again warming up!
Donna sets her writing down and exits, laughing.
SCENE BUMPER
Daytime, Basement
Jackie and Fez are the only ones present. Jackie is stretched out on the couch, idly flipping through a fashion magazine. Fez is nervous about something.
Fez : So... Looks like there's nothing to do.
Jackie : (doesn't look up) Mm-hmm.
Fez : Nobody around but you and me.
Jackie : Mm-hmm.
Fez : And you know what happened the last time things were like this.
Jackie : (wary) What?
Fez : (quickly) Well, you and Hyde started making out, and I figured--
Jackie : (cuts him off) No.
Fez : But I was thinking--
Jackie : (cuts him off) No.
Fez : You don't suppose--
Jackie : (cuts him off) No.
Fez : (defeated) Fine. So where is everybody, anyway?
Jackie : Michael is hiding under his bed, and Donna and Charlie are getting something to eat at the Hub.
Fez : I knew it!
Jackie : You knew what?
Fez : Donna and Charlie...
Jackie : (shrugs) 'Donna and Charlie' what?
Fez : Donna and Charlie are doing it!
Jackie : (scoffs) Fez, I'm used to you being creepy and weird, but now you're just crazy. Donna would never cheat on Eric.
Fez : Are you kidding? How often are they out together, doing things? It's so obvious!
Jackie : You've got to be kidding me.
Fez : I'll prove it!
SCENE BUMPER
Daytime, outside Donna's house
Fez and Jackie are hiding in the bushes, with a view of Donna's back door.
Fez : I can hear them! And you said they were at the Hub!
Jackie : Okay, that's weird, but maybe Donna's finally realized that eating burgers and fries every day might be part of the reason for her giant-ness.
Fez : No, they are doing it!
Donna's door opens, and Charlie exits, his shirt half untucked and his hair disheveled.
Charlie : Thanks for doing that with me, Donna!
Donna appears in the doorway, breathless and flushed, and also disheveled.
Donna : No problem, Charlie. You've been there for me, so I'm happy to be here for you.
Charlie : Are you sure I was okay?
Donna : (pats him on the shoulder) For your first time, you did great.
Charlie : (laughing awkwardly) Oh, good. I was really, really nervous.
Donna : Well, don't worry. Whatever you didn't know, you made up for in enthusiasm.
Donna leans in and whispers a secret to Charlie.
Donna : (whispers) Don't tell anybody this, but I could never have done that with Eric.
They both laugh, and Charlie gives Donna a hug before leaving. Donna shuts the door. Jackie and Fez are dumbfounded.
Jackie : (whisper-shout) Oh. My. GOD!
SCENE BUMPER
Daytime, Basement
Fez is on his feet, pacing nervously and wringing his hands. Jackie is on the couch, her head in her hands, distraught.
Jackie : Holy crap, Fez, what the hell did we just see?
Fez : Oh, nothing. Nothing suspicious at all. We saw Donna and Charlie at her house instead of the Hub where they said they would be, and with Bob not at home, and both of them looking rumpled and tired and flushed, and both talking about Charlie doing something for the first time that he was nervous about and Donna saying it was okay. There is surely some totally logical and reasonable explanation for all of it.
He laughs.
Fez : Nothing suspicious at all.
Jackie just stares at him.
Fez : Or, another interpretation is that they were just finished making wild, hot monkey sex.
Jackie's head sinks into her hands again.
Jackie : Oh my God, what are we gonna do? It's not even that I like Eric that much, but Donna is my best friend. And she may not be nearly as hot as me, but even she shouldn't trade down from ERIC!
Fez : We have to tell him.
Jackie : What? How?
Fez : A letter.
Jackie : Oh, that's a great idea. "Dear Eric, how's Africa? By the way, your girlfriend is a great big bleached-blonde, too-tall, skanky, big-footed WHORE!"?
Fez crosses his arms, stung.
Fez : (hurt) You don't have to be snippy about it. Do you have a better idea?
Donna's legs are visible coming down the stairs.
Jackie : We should confront Donna first!
Donna reaches the landing, looking much more together, but now confused.
Donna : Confront Donna about what?
Fez starts and gives a high-pitched yelp. Jackie stares back at her guiltily, speechless.
Donna : (suspicious) Confront me about what?
Jackie : Ummm... Uhhh... (thinks quickly) About those shoes!
Donna : (incredulous) My shoes?
Fez : (catches on) Yes, your shoes. They are horrible. We cannot stand them.
Jackie : Right, right. I mean they're like two inches away from being clown shoes.
Donna shakes her head and plops down on the couch.
Donna : Okay, you guys need to hang out a little less-- I think you're starting to share a single brain.
Both Fez and Jackie laugh nervously. Donna eyes them both uneasily, then gets back up.
Donna : You know, never mind. You guys need me to make fun of my fashion sense again, I'll be upstairs.
SCENE BUMPER
Daytime, Forman living room
Kitty and Donna are sitting on the couch, watching TV while Red sits in his chair, reading the newspaper.
Donna : (re: what they're watching) Huh.
Kitty : (amazed) You know, they're right-- that is Incredible! (laughs)
They're interrupted by a knock on the door.
Kitty : Now who could that be, in the middle of the day?
Kitty stands and opens the door. It's Hyde. He's carrying an old duffel bag over one shoulder.
Kitty : Steven!
Kitty throws her arms around Hyde, who stands stiffly as she hugs him.
Hyde : Hey, Mrs. Forman. Hey, Red. Hey, Donna.
Kitty still hasn't unlatched herself.
Hyde : Um, Mrs. Forman? This bag's pretty heavy.
Finally, Kitty lets him go and he steps into the room.
Red : (only sort of interested) Steven. Where the hell have you been?
Hyde drops the duffel bag to the floor and shrugs.
Hyde : After I left Chicago, I headed to Las Vegas to get away from everything and everybody for a while.
Kitty smacks him on the shoulder.
Kitty : Sin City! Steven, how could you? How could you leave without a word, then spend weeks in some-- some den of thieves and not call or write us!
Hyde fishes a miniature slot machine out of his bag and presents it to Kitty, smiling.
Hyde : Here you go.
Kitty : (instantly smitten) Awwwww, it's a tiny little slot machine! You know, they call them 'one armed bandits'.
Kitty pulls on the tiny lever and we hear the plastic spin. She laughs in delight.
Donna : (steps up and hugs Hyde) Damn, Hyde, we were starting to get worried.
Hyde : Yeah, well, I just needed to get away, y'know?
Donna : I get that. So what did you do in Vegas?
Hyde : (shrugs again) Honestly, I'm not totally sure. I either got a job as a blackjack dealer, a bartender, or wearing a toga.
Donna : Well, did you at least figure anything out?
Hyde : I think so.
The kitchen door swings open. Kelso steps into the room.
Kelso : Hey, Mr. Forman, you gotta help me. I've been looking for your axe for like ten minutes, 'cuz--
Kelso finally sees Hyde. He stands frozen, while Hyde starts to tense.
Kelso : (frightened) Hyde... Man... What... So... Man, I don't know what to say.
Hyde : How about "ow"?
Kelso : Why would I say "ow"?
Hyde decks Kelso right in the jaw, sending Kelso sprawling to the floor.
Kelso : (muffled and pained) Now I get it. Ow...
CUT TO COMMERCIAL
END ACT ONE
ACT TWO
SCENE BUMPER
RED: (looking at the whole scene around him) All right, that's enough, all of you. Now I'm going to the garage, and by the time I get back, you two dumbasses better be gone! (leaves through kitchen door)
KITTY: (nervously, still playing with her toy from Hyde, doesn't look up) You know what goes great with little baby slot machines? Little baby bottles of Kahlua! (beat) Which I happen to still have from a plane trip to Ohio once... (also leaves through kitchen door)
DONNA: You know... I'm gonna head back to my place. Charlie's coming over and... (beat) I'll catch you guys later. (leaves out the front door, as everyone wants to leave them both alone)
KELSO: (slowly standing) Dude, you got me good this time. I even peed myself on the way down. (Beat. Hyde doesn't say anything) Guess I deserved it.
HYDE: Yeah, you did.
KELSO: So, now what?
HYDE: I'll get back to you on that. Right now, we're cool. I'm just gonna go downstairs and try and sleep off the long drive.
KELSO: Oh, don't. Hyde, Jackie's down there. (Hyde just stares at him) She is! She quit her job in Chicago and came right back here to find you. Well, and to beat me up, too.
HYDE: She did, huh? So you've gotten decked twice for this crap? Good to know.
KELSO: Look, Hyde. Nothing happened. Yeah, I wanted something to happen, but it didn't. (Hyde doesn't react) I'm sorry.
HYDE: Yeah. Me too. (turns around and goes upstairs)
KELSO: Where are you going?
HYDE: Forman's old room for some quiet. Seems like it's the one place that never gets any action around here.
SCENE BUMPER
Daytime, The Basement
FEZ : (reading aloud as he writes) "Dear Eric. How is Africa?"
JACKIE : You're not seriously going to write that, are you? I thought we were going to talk to Donna first, anyway.
FEZ : Oh, yes, little girl, and look how well that turned out!
JACKIE : (throws down magazine) Fine. Fine! But I'm not going to be a part of this, okay? (leaves through basement door)
FEZ : "Things are wonderful here except for your two-timing girlfriend..."
Kelso comes downstairs, a hand rubbing the spot that Hyde hit. He goes to the deep freeze and looks around a little.
KELSO : Man. Nothing in here but popsicles! (grabs one and puts it on his face to numb the pain) What're you doing?
FEZ : Writing a letter to Eric about Donna and Charlie.
KELSO : But not me?
FEZ : Well, unless you are also doing it with Donna...
KELSO : What? Charlie's not... no way.(beat) We decided! Donna goes to Eric, then me, then you, then me again. He's throwing it all off!
FEZ : Exactly.
KELSO : Well, damn, I'll help you write it! (sits down next to Fez, but the popsicle is completely stuck to his face now) "Dear Eric. Your girlfriend is a whore. Come home."
FEZ : Short and... (yanks the popsicle off Kelso's face, and eats it) Sweet.
SCENE BUMPER
Daytime, The Forman's Driveway
Hyde is playing basketball. As he sinks a shot, Donna walks over from her house and grabs the ball.
DONNA : Up for some one-on-one?
HYDE : (non-chalantly) Sure. (They go back and forth throughout the scene sinking shots) So. Are you here to talk to me and make sure I'm fine?
DONNA : What? No. Well... maybe? Hyde, we've all been worried. Jackie too.
HYDE : Yeah, I heard.
DONNA : Yeah, and I heard about Kelso.
HYDE : He deserved it, but it's cool now.
DONNA : And Jackie? What did she deserve? (tosses the ball at Hyde and waits for an answer)
HYDE : Look, Donna, I'll talk to her, just... not now, okay?
DONNA : If you don't talk to her soon, I'm going to tell everyone about the time I caught you dancing to ABBA.
HYDE : (slightly pissed, defeated) Fine. (tosses the ball back to her) I'll go think of what to say. (starts to walk in the kitchen door but stops) Why did I have to leave the door to the store unlocked?
DONNA : So I can blackmail you with this from now on?
Hyde goes inside.
SCENE BUMPER
Daytime, Eric's bedroom
Hyde pushes through the door, slams it closed and sits on the edge of the bed.
HYDE : Finally, a little peace and quiet. What the hell is it with this house?
There's a noise from inside the closet. Hyde stands angrily.
HYDE : Dammit, Fez, you've got the wrong closet. You want the bedroom one house over!
He opens the closet, and Charlie tumbles out, along with a spill of a few dozen 'Playboy' magazines.
HYDE : (amused) Well, well, well...
CHARLIE : (embarassed) Hyde! You're back!
HYDE : Okay, we've covered what I'm doing here. Now it's your turn, not that I don't have a suspicion or two.
Charlie pushes some magazines out of his way and holds a hand out to Hyde to help him up. Hyde backs off.
HYDE : Oh, no. I'm not touching that hand until you've been disinfected.
CHARLIE : (grumbling, but getting to his feet) I didn't do anything. (beat) There's no light in there!
Charlie kicks magazines out of the way and moves to sit down.
CHARLIE : (indicates closet) It's dark, cramped and smells like gym socks in there. I don't know how Fez does it.
HYDE : None of us know, and none of us really wants to.
CHARLIE : So what are you really doing up here?
HYDE : Partly, I'm here because I need to figure out what the hell I'm going to say to Jackie when I see her next.
CHARLIE : Partly?
HYDE : Yeah. Mostly, I'm here to find the stash I hid somewhere in Forman's room.
CHARLIE : (waits, a little uncomfortable) You know, Hyde, she's been really upset about this whole thing.
HYDE : Of course.
CHARLIE : I don't think you have to worry, Hyde.
HYDE : I'm not worried, man. It's just that everything with Jackie is so damn complicated. (beat) I need to clear my head.
CUT TO
THE CIRCLE
HYDE : Ahhh, that's so much better.
CHARLIE : Thanks for letting me sit in the circle tonight, guys.
FEZ : (staring at Charlie) Oh, no trouble... it even lets us keep an eye on you.
KELSO : (staring at Charlie, rubbing his face) Dude, Fez, I forgot to tell you-- that really hurt when you yanked the popsicle off my face. Worse than when I froze my tongue to the Formans' mailbox.
HYDE : You know, why haven't I done this before every major event in my life? (beat) Oh, wait, I have! It makes so much sense!
CHARLIE : (to Fez) Keep an eye on me? Why would you need to keep an eye on me? (paranoid) Why? What have you heard?
FEZ : Oh, nothing. You just never know when you can lose your balance and just, whoops! Fall into the arms of some unsuspecting young woman.
KELSO : It's true. Once, I was walking down the street, and I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window of this hardware store, and I was so amazed at my own handsomeness that I totally missed the guys carrying a stepladder out of the door. I almost lost a tooth.
HYDE : The problem is, that I've got no idea what's gong on. Not in her head, not in my head. All I know is what's going through Kelso's head right now. A strong breeze.
CHARLIE : (increasingly nervous) What? What are you talking about? I don't need anybody's help, not with anything!
FEZ : Uh-huh. I'll remember that.
KELSO : So, um, Hyde, man-- I just wanted to say I'm sorry again--
Hyde smacks Kelso's arm hard.
HYDE : Shut up, man. I told you we're fine. (he grumbles, then jumps out of his chair) Now I know what to do!
Hyde heads for the stairs, the others follow suit.
SCENE BUMPER
Night, Forman living room
Hyde steps through the door from the kitchen just as Jackie is talking to Kitty.
JACKIE (mid-speech) : --when I saw the El Camino parked out there and I-- (sees Hyde)
Jackie and Hyde both freeze. Kelso, Fez and Charlie subequently crash into his suddenly unmoving back.
HYDE : Jackie.
JACKIE : Steven.
There's a few long seconds of them fighting the urge to turn away and the urge to get back together.
HYDE : You look... okay.
JACKIE : You, too.
Kitty laughs nervously.
KITTY : Hmmm, maybe it's time we old fogeys get out of the way here and let these young'uns take care of their own problems, huh Red?
She walks up to Red, who has been reading a newspaper in his chair.
RED : Hell, no. These dumbasses want to turn our living room into 'Playhouse 90', that's not my problem.
JACKIE : Steven, I-- (she looks around at all the people and loses her nerve) So, um, how was Las Vegas?
HYDE : Weird, loud, obnoxious, with lots of high-pitched noises everywhere I turned. A lot like here.
JACKIE : So, um, did anything interesting happen?
HYDE : Not that I recall.
Before the awkwardness can continue, there's a knock at the door. Kitty opens the door. On the other side is an attractive young blonde carrying a small suitcase and dressed in a tight shirt and short shorts. This is Sam.
SAM : Um, hello. Is this where I can find Steven Hyde? I saw his car parked out front.
HYDE : (confused) I'm Hyde.
Sam giggles and rushes into the room, throwing her arms around him.
SAM : Sweetie!
She starts planting kisses on him. Hyde pushes her back. Everyone else is in shock, especially Jackie.
HYDE : Lady, don't take this the wrong way, but-- who the hell are you?
SAM : Hyde, I'm Samantha. Sam. Your wife.
Cut to Commercials
END OF ACT TWO
TAG
Night, Eric's bedroom
Nobody there.
CHARLIE (off-screen) : Fez? I'm not sure about this.
The closet door opens revealing Fez and Charlie crammed into the closet. Fez is looking exasperated.
FEZ : You're the one who wanted to know. It's not like I have to share all of my secrets, you know. It has taken long years of practice and refining my techniques.
CHARLIE : (chastened) You're right, you're right. I'm sorry.
FEZ : Okay, then. We have successfully gotten ourselves into the target closet, and so--
CHARLIE : (cutting him off) Fez? Can I ask a question?
FEZ : (annoyed) What?
CHARLIE : Why can't we sneak into Donna's closet? Or Jackie's?
FEZ : When you are ready, my young apprentice. When you are ready.
Fez reaches out and closes the closet door.
THE END