Note: This is my CSSV gift for leeann6600. Thank you so much for your patience, dear, you were an absolute delight. In our conversations you said: "I need some heartfelt moments that are really going to expose their characters to their core TO EACH OTHER and then for them to put each back together" so I tried to give you some heartfelt moments in the form of in-depth conversations we'll never get on the show, (but it would be awesome if we did.) I hope you enjoy!
xxx
Cautiously, Emma opened the door to the house. It should be safe, they'd scouted it earlier, but she was prepared to encounter almost anything in this strange world. The house looked like her house, their house, but darker, dreary, more rundown. Pretty much like everything they'd encountered in this twisted Underworld version of Storybrooke.
Once safely inside, she helped him across the room, guiding him towards the couch, the replica to the one where she'd lain grieving him only days earlier. Had it really only been days? She sat him down and then ran a critical eye over him. He was definitely worse for wear, but he was there, she could see in his eyes, Killian Jones was still in there.
"What do you need? Food?" Emma had learned that while inhabitants of the Underworld didn't necessarily need food, Hades often made in a necessity for notable new arrivals as an additional way to torment them. "You should eat something." Emma's voice rang through the eerie silence of the house.
He raised his hook in response, she wasn't sure if he was trying to demure, or signal it was a great idea, but she didn't wait to find out. With a wave of her hand, she conjured several plates full of warm food in front of them. Then she sat next to him, and silently watched as he ate as if he hadn't seen food in days.
The few inches that separated them on the couch, were the furthest they'd been physically separate since she'd found him. The loss of contact with him created an ache. Apparently, her soul needed constant tactile proof that he was real, that he was here. When the desire to reach out and touch him became so strong it was almost a primal need, she reached over and laid her hand on his shoulder, smoothing the leather of his jacket down his back. Her anxiety immediately waned, he was warm and solid beneath her touch, it was the reassurance she needed.
She had found him.
When he was done, she cleared everything away with a second flick of her wrist and turned to him.
"Emma..." He began but she interrupted him with a shake of her head, she put her hand on his forehead as if she was checking for some sort of fever he would have caught in hell.
"No, we're safe here for now," she said as her hand trailed down to cup his cheek. "We can talk later. You look like you haven't slept in days," she said as she peered closely at his red-rimmed eyes. Apparently, sleep deprivation was another of Hades tactics. Even though she knew Killian's body was back in Storybrooke, he felt 100% real to her, down to a heartbeat thumping in his chest, this was Killian. "And I know you didn't sleep as a Dark One, so it's more like weeks. Sleep now, while you can."
Emma moved to the end of the couch and motioned with her hands, encouraging him to stretch out. He clearly wanted to object, but the exhaustion won. With stiff limbs he began to move, to stretch out on the dilapidated piece of furniture, but when she didn't budge from her spot on the end of the couch he looked at her in question.
"Right here," Emma said softly as she patted her lap. There was a moment of hesitation from him, but then his lips quirked up and he acquiesced, stretching out on his side, facing the room, her lap as his pillow.
As Emma sat, looking down at his profile and running her fingers through his hair, the adrenalin she'd been running on for hours started to wane and exhaustion settled over her. She fought it. Now that she'd completed the herculean task of finding him, an urge to watch over him kept her alert. Or it did until she finally succumbed to slumber too.
xXx
HOURS EARLIER
Using information gleaned from a litany of different underworld inhabitants who were familiar to them, they formulated a simple plan. Emma would break from the group, the rest were to distract Hades while she snuck into his lair, found Killian and got him out.
With her Savior magic in full force and her connection to Killian stronger than ever since sharing the dark curse, she located him quickly. However, her fears were confirmed when she found him chained to the wall of a rocky dungeon-like cell, shell-shocked and near delirium.
At first, he resisted her. His mind telling him she was a vision created by Hades to taunt him, torture him with what he couldn't have, would never have again. A vision of the thing he loved most. The person he would always love most.
After she'd magic'd him out of his shackles, it had taken Emma pressing her lips to his to convince him.
Thankfully, Killian Jones would recognize Emma Swan's kiss anywhere.
There hadn't been time for explanations, or recriminations of her reckless behavior, or even a joyful reunion.
Too fatigued to do more than agree to follow her, he gratefully put his arm around her and let her lead him out of his own personal hell.
xXx
HOURS LATER
Emma woke with a jolt. She was a light sleeper to begin with, so movement on the couch where she sat was enough to wake her from the deepest sleep she'd managed, well, since before the darkness. Her sleep worn-mind lagged behind her body, so it was a few seconds later when the day came rushing back into clear focus. "Killian!" her voice came out in an urgent plea, as her eyes popped open and she scanned the area for him.
"Sorry, love, I didn't mean to wake you," Killian replied in a voice that was still hoarse from sleep, and probably other things, and scrubbed his face with his hand.
Almost frantically, she reached out and grabbed his arm. He was still on the couch, but now upright and seated next to her. Emma felt a tidal wave of relief crash over her when the soft-buttery leather of his jacket was under her palm, solid beneath her touch. It wasn't a dream. He was here. The rescue had been real.
Emma waited a beat, for her heartrate to slow down, and then turned towards him. "How do you feel?" she said, once again bringing her hand up to caress his face as if she was checking for a very real world ailment.
"Much improved," he said with a sigh as he closed his eyes and pressed his cheek into her palm. He whispered, "Are you certain this isn't a hallucination visited on me by my tormentor?"
"I keep asking myself the same thing, but no, this is real. I'm here. You're here. We're together."
He opened his eyes back up and he drank in the sight of her. Emma's cheeks flushed with the way he was studying her, as if he was trying to memorize her in case she poofed away at any second. His scrutiny landed on her chest and a look of recognition lit his still worn eyes. He lifted his gaze to hers as he reached over to finger the ring that hung around her neck. "You're really not a hallucination."
With both hands she gently cupped his, still clasped around the ring, his skin rough against her palms. "Of course I'm real, that's what we just determined."
"I know, love. It's just difficult to believe I'm no longer at the mercy of that hellbeast. At least for now." Without giving her a chance to question him on that statement, he motioned to their hands clasped around the ring with his hook, "You kept it?"
Not only had she kept it, it had been her lifeline every moment of every day since his untimely death. "Of course, Killian." She gently opened his fist and held up the ring between them. "I haven't taken it off. But now I think I should." She reached around her neck as if it remove it.
He grimaced and gestured towards it with his hook, "No, I gave that to you, it's yours now."
"After surviving hundreds of years, you gave it to me and look what happened to you," Emma said matter-of-factly, even though she felt anything but matter-of-fact about the events that had brought them to this point. The torturous ache she'd experienced since his death was only beginning to diminish now that she was in his presence. "If there's anything to it, superstition or not, I want you to have it back."
The fine lines around Killian's eyes crinkled as he grimaced as if in a bit of pain. "You survived, which is the most important thing to me." He gave her a small smile and then struggled to his feet and out of her reach.
"Where are you going?" Emma asked, as she dropped the necklace back around her neck. Immediately, she felt his absence.
Killian's brow furrowed as he started walking around the room. "Stretching my legs, love, they haven't gotten much use lately."
Emma nodded and took a couple of deep breaths to calm herself. She was being ridiculous. She wasn't a needy person. However, she still got up and followed him into the kitchen. A squalid version of what she hoped would one day be their kitchen back in Storybrooke.
Emma stood by the table, allowing him to have a look around the first floor. He glanced to her, "So this is..."
"Yes," she nodded. "The Underworld version of our home."
"So we're not back in Storybrooke?"
Emma shook her head and then with a confidence she didn't quite feel replied, "Not yet, but we will be."
"I have many questions," he said as he came to stand in front of her. She met his piercing blue eyes, and was comforted that they were demonstrably more alert than when she had found him.
"I know and I will answer them all. For now, you just need to know that we're safe and we're together and that's all that matters."
He looked towards the front entrance, towards the place that would lead them back to the hellish landscape of the Underworld if they were to open the door. "What happens now?"
"We wait," Emma replied quickly. "After distracting Hades, the others will regroup. We'll meet them in the morning."
"Others?" Killian asked with surprise and concern. "What others?"
At the mention of her friends and family, Emma immediately felt more confident. They would succeed, all of them would return from the Underworld. "I didn't come alone."
"Your parents?" The surprise Killian felt was written all over his face and through his tone.
Emma smiled at him reassuringly. "My parents, Regina and Robin, Henry. Gold is here too, his blood was our passage."
Killian was silent for a very long moment; so long, Emma was afraid he hadn't heard her. He then turned away and brought one hand up to, violently, scrub his face. With a tinge of anger in his voice, he uttered one simple word. "Why?"
Emma looked taken aback by his tone and demeanor. "Why?" she asked hesitantly; she had expected him to be relieved they had come for him, not angry.
"Yes, why? Why did you risk everyone you love and most importantly, yourself, to do this Emma?" Killian was still too tired to have much fire to his words, but there was enough that she knew he was angry.
Emma felt her heart clench with emotion and looked at him imploringly. "Don't you know, Killian?"
"You want to save me from this place?" Killian asked matter-of-factly, any anger he had quickly draining away at the heartfelt look on her face.
"Yes, but that's not exactly what I meant…" Emma tried to curb her disappointment. She had been prepared to make a big declaration. Not that he didn't know she loved him.
"Emma, no, it's a useless endeavor, there is no way for me to depart without marking a living soul to take my place. I won't do that, I won't be that man."
"You won't have to, I have a plan." While it was true that she had a plan, Emma was hoping that knowing one existed would be enough for him, at least for now. She didn't really want to tell him her plan; she knew his first reaction would be to refuse. There was no way he was going to accept half her heart without a lot of convincing.
Killian didn't respond, he just looked at her inquisitively. It only took a few seconds of this scrutiny before she broke. "Like my parents, we will share a heart. Regina thinks it will work."
Killian's face was expressionless for a full half a minute. Finally, he turned half away from her and with a sigh that signaled either frustration or anger or both said, "No, no, no. I'm not worth it. Emma. I will not have you risk everything for me."
Emma stepped around him and grabbed his lapel with both hands and gave him a very gentle shake to silence him. "You are worth it. I would risk much more. End of story. And I didn't ask anyone to come with me. I was coming alone. They insisted. Including Henry."
Her words stunned him, he was shocked anyone would volunteer to go on such a mission for him, let alone share half of their most vital organ. Then he once again shook his head, rejecting the very idea, as if the plan wasn't already in motion. "You shouldn't have come. You're all in danger here. You shouldn't be here and Henry really shouldn't be here."
"You're not even a little happy to see me?" Emma asked, trying to sound playful, but ending up somewhere in the area of extremely earnest and a lot hopeful.
Killian sighed and then leaned forward and gathered her in his arms. Without hesitation, Emma let go off his jacket and melted into the hug, her arms snaking around his back, her chin resting on his shoulder. Once again, relief surged through her as she squeezed him tightly. Part of her still didn't believe this was happening, that he was real, and that he was in her arms. Adrenalin had fueled her through finding him and rescuing him, but everything had been rushed and he'd been in no condition for a happy reunion. But, now, being in his arms, this was the moment she had been pining for since the genesis of the unlikely and risky rescue plan.
"Of course I'm happy to see you, Swan," Killian whispered into her ear, emotion winding its way around his words making them sound thick with meaning. "I've never been happier to see anyone in my entire life. Or death."
Tears were clouding Emma's eyes now, but at that, she let out a strangled choke of a laugh. Killian turned his head against hers, his stumble grazing tantalizingly along her sensitive skin and pressed a long kiss onto her cheek. It had been too long since she'd felt that.
Neither of them was aware how long they stayed like that; holding one another, tears threatening to fall, heartbeats syncing, silently rejoicing in being back in each other's arms.
Finally, Killian gave her a squeeze before leaning back, his hand and hook now clutching at her upper arms. Blue eyes, searched green as he looked imploringly at her. However, he also picked up the conversation right where they'd left it. "That doesn't mean you should put yourself in peril for me or that this is going to work. You don't understand Hades," he shivered involuntarily, "he isn't the most gracious of hosts."
Emma crinkled her brow in mild frustration, she knew they had an uphill battle ahead of them, and she knew the first step was getting him onboard with her plan. She needed him to fight. "When I became the Dark One, you did everything in your power to get to me; including working with Zelena and creating a tornado that brought you, my family and even Granny's to the Enchanted Forest."
"Aye, I did that." Killian replied sheepishly, before starting to protest again, "But-"
"But what?" Emma asked quietly, her eyes, still glassy with tears, searching his. "Are you really saying that if it were me here and you found a way, you wouldn't have come? You wouldn't be willing to share your heart?"
She had him. She knew it, because his face softened and she could see the truth. There was nothing in life or death, in this realm or any another, that would ever stop Killian Jones from getting to Emma Swan. He'd give her his whole heart if she asked for it. "Killian, don't you want our life together?"
Crinkles appeared around his eyes, happy this time and he brushed his hand down her sleeve until he reached her free hand. In the next moment his fingers were laced with hers and he squeezed with gentle pressure. "More than anything."
"Then why-"
"I caused this," Killian said, his anger bubbling to the surface, but this time it was clear who he was angry at, himself. "Emma, I... I deserve to pay the price. I deserve punishment. I don't deserve half your precious heart."
"You were the Dark One. I made you the Dark One." Emma insisted, the guilt she'd felt since returning to herself felt like a vice around her heart.
"Yes, you did, why did you do that?" His voice was soft, but there was a mild note of accusation in it. "I asked you not to, I pleaded with you not to, none of it would have happened, if you hadn't done that."
"I know." Emma furrowed her brow, as unshed tears glistened in her eyes. "But I couldn't face it, Killian. I couldn't face losing you. "
"Emma," he said with a wince, the lone movement condemning her actions.
She stepped away from him, as much to clear her head as anything. "Again, if it had been me dying in your arms and you had a way to save me, are you saying you wouldn't have taken it? I thought… I don't know what I thought, I guess that we could beat the darkness together."
Killian listened, he heard the raw honestly in her voice, and met it with some of his own. "I'm not sure I can face what I did." He looked away from her, his gaze now trained on the entrance, the twisted replica of where they'd had harsh words the night he'd found out he was the Dark One. "How I spoke to you."
She stepped back towards him. "You made up for what you did by sacrificing yourself, everyone knows that. As far as what you said, that's between us." Disbelief clouded his features, and she stroked his arm as she reassured him. "You forget Killian, I was the Dark One, and I know what it does to you."
"You fought it."
"I'm the Savior and thanks to my parent's one villainous act, was born without darkness. It was a whole lot easier for me, than for you. Even then, I know how hard it is. I did terrible things... I wasn't sure Henry would ever forgive me, I certainly haven't forgiven myself."
He didn't look convinced, so she grabbed his hand and pulled him back towards the couch. "Maybe we should talk about..." Emma suggested timidly, not used to these kind of conversations. Killian was the first relationship she'd ever had that had lasted to the point where you have these kind of conversations. Where she wanted to have these type of conversations, even if they were hard.
"I'll talk about anything you'd like, love," Killian replied softly, not looking forward to recounting his time spent in company with the darkness.
Once seated, they said quietly for several long moments. Finally, Emma began. "You said..." she trailed off before screwing up her courage to continue. "In Camelot when you'd gone dark, you called yourself my lovesick puppy."
Killian swallowed roughly before sighing, "Aye."
"Is that how you really feel?"
"Emma..." Killian shook his head as if to shake off the question and then looked to the ground in avoidance. "You know the darkness, it twists things; it makes something beautiful, ugly. I…"
Emma gently crooked her finger under his chin and lifted, bringing his gaze upward to meet hers. "It's okay. Is that how you really feel? Did I make you feel like you were a lovesick puppy?"
When he didn't respond, she sagged back against the couch. "I did, didn't I? I took your attention and devotion for granted and never gave as good as I got."
"No," Killian said firmly, turning on the couch to face her. "No Emma it's not that, that's not true."
"I was a terrible girlfriend."
"You were, no are, an exemplary girlfriend. I know no one who could boast having a better one," he reassured and actually managed a teasing lilt to his voice, while remaining completely serious.
"Yeah, but before that. Before we were together…"
"Emma, I understand that I had to earn your trust; that you had to know that my feelings for you were in earnest. I was a pirate, a villain; of course, you were reticent and kept me at arm's length. I understand that. I wanted to prove myself to you and you let me; I couldn't have hoped for more. I'm forever grateful you gave me a chance."
"You liked being the one to break down my walls," Emma replied slowly, remembering their conversation from the Jolly Roger.
"I love your walls, because they're a part of you and I never wanted anything but the real you, Emma."
Emma felt emotion well in her throat, no one, her entire life, had ever truly wanted the real her. She looked back up and met his eye. "I never thought of you that way, like a lovesick puppy, I want you to know that... because back when I couldn't admit it, even to myself, I was pretty far gone."
"Were you now?" He raised one eyebrow at her, almost playfully.
She smiled at that, so relieved to have him relaxed enough that a little of his old self was shining through. "I was, and I'm sorry I didn't treat you like it. I'm sure that was hard for you and I've never recognized that. So I will now. Thank you, Killian, for sticking by my side, for being a friend I probably didn't deserve, when I clearly had some things to go though."
"You're welcome, Swan." Sincerity rang through his words as he watched her with all the love and admiration he felt written across his expression. "But this is supposed to be about me issuing apologies and making amends, not you."
Emma blinked several times as if to stem tears threatening behind her eyes. "No, I saw truth in your words, truth I know you would never have spoken without the darkness, but still. I understand it, and its okay, but there's one more thing I… I have to know." Emma thought back to the thing that had bothered her most, the thing that haunted her when she thought of their future together. "Am I… have I become an anchor around your neck?"
"No, of course not." He replied quickly, wincing as he remembered his words. He brought his hand up to trace the side of her face. "You could never weigh me down. You are, however, a pretty blonde," he said trying to bring back the smile from a few seconds earlier.
"No, really, Killian. Please be serious. You're a sailor, you love being at sea, you led a life of adventure for centuries; how could you be satisfied with a white picket fence in Storybrooke?"
"Because there has been nary an adventure since I meet you?" He asked gently, but with a touch of mock sarcasm. She began to protest, but he silenced her by moving his hand behind her neck and bringing her in for a quick kiss. When their lips broke apart, he leaned forward so his forehead was pressed intimately against hers. For a moment they paused, content to inhabit the same space. "You... Emma, you are my light. You inspire me to a goodness, I couldn't achieve without you. It's true you are my anchor. You anchor me to the here and now in the best possible way. You ground me, but you're also the wind beneath my sails."
"Did I ever tell you, you're my hero?" Emma asked him, an odd cadence to her words that he didn't recognize.
He paused for a moment and then asked, "Are you choosing this moment to quote something to me?"
"Yes, but it's true." Now there were fat tears rolling down her cheeks as she laughed. "Killian I know I push people away and I know I've pushed you away. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I did that to you."
"No, Emma, I don't deserve your appol-"
"Yes, Killian, let me say this, please, you absolutely deserve to hear it." She leaned back so she could meet his gaze. "I'm sorry I kept Excalibur from you in Camelot. I'm sorry I didn't trust you. I should have. You have to know my intention was never to control you. And I'm really sorry that saving you went against your wishes, and I'm truly sorry I turned you into the thing you hate most, but I'm not sorry that I saved you then and I'm not sorry I'm trying to save you now, so please don't ask me to be."
Killian stared at her through his own glassy eyes and then swiped at her tears with his thumb. "I love your arduous attempts to save me and I don't need any apologies from you. It is I who should be apologizing to you. I'm sorry that I wanted to hurt you; I'm sorry I'm weak and succumbed to the darkness. I wish I were stronger, I wish I'd never endangered your family, if I hadn't-"
"It doesn't matter," she interrupted. "In the end, you did the right thing. The noble thing. The heroic thing. Everyone knows that."
Despite, being gratified by her words, he said, "You still shouldn't have come and I still can't accept half your heart."
She slumped back on the couch. "So all that talking and we're back to square one?" Emma was frustrated, but she did find the twisted humor in the situation. She searched her brain for an argument that would get through to him, that would make him understand. She sat back up and turned towards him, "You know how much you love me?"
Killian narrowed his eyes and then nodded almost imperceptibly. "Aye"
"Tell me, tell me how much you love me."
Every bit of tension in him evaporated and he reached for her hand and brought it up to his chest, sliding it under his coat to cover his heart. "Emma, every evening I think it would be impossible to love you more, but then dawn comes, the sun rises, birds sing and I do indeed love you more. What I feel for you cannot be bound by time or place or defined by mere words. That is how much I love you."
As he spoke Emma's face had crumpled with emotion, but when he finished her eyes were bright and a wavering smile burst into a blazing grin and she leaned over to kiss him. She felt flutters start in her chest and course through her in waves. She knew how he felt about her, it's why she asked the question, but every time he said it, it never ceased to feel like the first time. The kiss stayed chaste and sweet, but he leaned in and angled his head slightly deepening it with a contented sigh. When she broke away, she took a second to lick her lower lip, then opened her eyes. Cupping his cheeks with her hands, she caressed the rough stubble gently with her thumbs.
"Think about what you just said and then know... that's how much I love you, Killian."
His eyes went a bit wider, and he looked at her in awe and disbelief.
Emma brought one thumb up to smooth a wrinkle on her forehead. "This is a two-way street. You and me, and this thing we have, so get used to it. You are worth it. You're worth it to me, and you're worth it to a whole lot of other people." She knew she was getting to him, she could see in his eyes and the way his jaw relaxed under her palms, that his stubbornness receding. "Killian Jones, I spent all of my life feeling unwanted and unloved, I never dreamed I would find someone who loved me so much that it made up for all of it, but then I met you. Don't make me give that up, okay? I know it's selfish, but I want you to have half of my heart, please accept it. And please stand and fight with me."
"Emma…" he leaned back slightly, blinking as if to stem unshed tears. He reached for one of her hands and brought it to his mouth so he could kiss her palm. "I will do anything you wish, but it doesn't seem fair-"
She brought a finger up to silence him. "I came because I love you and I couldn't face a future without you, but if you want to talk about fairness… I also came because what happened to you wasn't fair. It isn't fair to either of us. You and I might have been Dark Ones, but we didn't create that darkness. We didn't want it, we didn't curse anyone of our own volition. You were cut by Excalibur while saving my mother's life. You and I, all we wanted was to banish the darkness for the good of everyone and then live in a house with a white picket fence. I came, not only so we could have that, but so that you wouldn't die in vain."
He sat in silence, soaking up her words, until the last ones dawned on him. "Wait, what do you mean, 'in vain?'"
"You are a hero, who was deprived of his heroic act. You thought you were destroying the darkness, I thought with your sacrifice you were destroying the darkness, but Gold fooled us all, he took back the darkness, he's now the most powerful Dark One of all."
Killian's face fell and Emma watched him slump back against the couch. "Knowing that I had destroyed the darkness, knowing that you were safe from it, has been my only solace."
"I'm sorry, Killian."
"What I did was meaningless?" he asked, his voice breaking on the word.
"No. Your sacrifice means everything to me and my family, but it's not over, we still have a fight ahead of us." Immediately, she could see his change in demeanor. Finally, everything was getting through to him. "So you're going to have to get over whatever self-loathing thing you've got going on, because we have work to do, Killian. And I can't do it without you."
Silence reigned for a full minute as he sat, staring straight ahead, gathering his thoughts. Emma watched the muscle twitch in his jaw over and over again. At last, looking determined, he reached over, laced their fingers once again, and met her eye. "Then we'll do it together."
Emma sighed, feeling lighter than she had in months. She squeezed his hand. "Together."
The End