The Matrix Revitalized

by Matrix-Twin1

Well, what can I say, it's a Matrix parody... Sorta like The Dot Matrix. Gotta love that one!

1. Default Chapter

Thanks to all my (few) beloved reviewers! For reviewing. Tell all your friends to! And your enemies! And your parents! And siblings! And other family members! And pets! And political rivals! And doctors! And dentists! And random people who you pass on the street! And... Well, you get the point...

(Disclaimer: This Parody was by no means sanctioned in any way, shape or form, by anyone with anything even resembling authority (or sanity). If this bothers you, please vacate the premises immediately. -Mouse)

The Matrix Revitalized

*Phone ringing*

Trinity: Dammit, Cypher! Pick up the bloody phone!

Man's voice: *falsetto* Avon calling!

Trinity: Damn you Cypher! That is NOT funny anymore! Didn't Morpheus tell you to stop doing that?

Cypher: *sighs* Yeah. What is it?

Trinity: Is everything in place? I felt like taking a shift.

Cypher: Yeah, it is. Do I care if you want a shift? Oh, by the way, this line is tapped, but while the Agents run their program, I want to ask you something.

Trinity: Then ask. I'm busy...

Cypher: Well, you know, the Zion New Year's org--er, PARTY is coming up, and...

Trinity: No, no, EEEW, and NO! How many times must I tell you: the only bald man I like is Morpheus, and that's only because he represents some sort of bizarre father figure to me.

Cypher: You have to stop listening to that Zion psychiatrist. He's a loony, trust me.

Trinity: I don't.

Cypher: What?

Trinity: I don't trust you.

Cypher: Fine. I don't care. Anyway, Mouse asked Switch, so I thought...

Trinity: *laughs* Really? How did that go?

Cypher: Well, his nose just stopped bleeding, but he's gonna have one hell of a black eye...

Trinity: Uh, yes... Is that how YOU want to end up?! 'Cause you will, you know.

Cypher: Bye! *Hangs up quickly*

(In hotel Room) *Trinity is standing by a computer playing Solitaire*

Police: *panting* Freeze! Put your hands on your head! *Trinity gives them a scornful look and keeps playing* Do it! Do it NOW, because I say so and if you don't I'll tell yer Mommy! *Trinity quickly does a cool bullet-time if you don't know what that is, stop reading now, please! Fight scene and kills them all*

Trinity: Ha! That'll teach YOU to talk about Mommy!

(On street below Hotel Room) *Agents Smith, Bob and Larry drive up, wearing dark suits and green feather boas*

Agent Smith: Arwen. Tollen i lû. I chair gwannar na Valannor. Si bado, no círar. [Translation: "Arwen. It is time. The ships are leaving for Valinor. Go now before it is too late."]

Lieutenant: What the...?

Agent Smith: *heh* Oops, wrong script...

*Scene begins again*

(On street below Hotel Room) *Agents Smith, Bob and Larry drive up in a black car, wearing dark suits and green feather boas*

Agent Smith: Lieutenant, you really are very stupid, do you know that?

Lieutenant: Oh, shit...

Agent Smith: Very very very very very very very...

Lieutenant: Oh, pleeze. I think two units of MY officers can deal with one, (snort) woman...

Agent Smith: *to himself* If we didn't need as many people as we can get...

Lieutenant: What was that?

Agent Smith: I was wondering if your mother had dropped you on your tête.

Lieutenant: I see... What's a tête? *A.S. sighs*

Agent Smith: Your men are dead now, by the way.

Lieutenant: I hate you.

Agent Smith: What was that?

Lieutenant: I ate, uh, poo.

Agent Smith: *makes 'Woah that was random' face* Woah that was random... Anyway...

(Hotel Room)

Trinity: Morpheuuuuus! *whines* I was just sitting here happily playing Solitaire and burning Cypher and having fun and then the Agents came and trapped me and now I'm trapped and what am I going to doooooo?!!!!

Morpheus: Ok, look, pull yourself together, PLEEEEZE!

Trinity: *firmly* Okay.

Morpheus: Good. Now, there's a phone line in the hotel lobby...

Trinity: The LOBBY?! Morpheus, have you been taking Morphine again? You told us you'd stop!

Morpheus: Ok, fine. Not the lobby. But really, Trinity. What do you have against Lobbies? Did you once suffer a deep psychological trauma in a lobby? Did you-

Trinity: Is there a point to all this?

Morpheus: No. There's a phone on Wells and Lake, too. If you run really, really fast, you can make it...

Trinity: Ok...

*Trinity starts running really, really fast. She runs up some stairs until she gets to the roof of the hotel. The Agents chase her*

Trinity: Wait a second... I don't have to run like this! I can just shoot them. (unfortunately, she is running so fast that as she tries to stop and shoot them, she hits the edge of the roof, trips over it, and her momentum carries her through a window of the next building. The Agents are too busy laughing at her to follow)

Trinity: *at bottom of stairs she has just fallen down* Ow. That REALLY hurt. Me: Oh, probably. But get up, you! Get up! The story must go on! *phone rings*

Morpheus: Look, Trinity, you have to get up. While you lay here, the Agents are cutting off your escape. GO!

Trinity: Ow... Damn you Morpheus, I hate it when you're right...

Me: Oh, and what about me? I said it before he did! *she gets up and hobbles away. Just as she turns the corner to get to the phone, she sees an Agent in a garbage truck. Fortunately for her, at the sight of her he is so overcome by giggles that he swerves and hits a garbage can. This gives her enough time to stand there for a while, stare at the truck, and finally get to the phone booth and escape*

Agent Independant-Yam-Bob-Brown: (who was driving the truck) *heh*, looks like she got out...

Agent Fred-Johnson-Larry-Jones: No kidding, genius!

Agent Smith: Now, stop fighting children... What do you have to tell me?

Agent Larry Jones: We have a search going on their next target. His name is Neo.

Agent Smith: Good job. *Pats their heads. They glare at him*

(Neo's apartment) *Neo is asleep at his computer, in the second dirtiest apartment on earth (the dirtiest being Mouse's, of course! :p )*

Computer: W-a-k-e u-p N-e-o...

Neo: *wakes up* Huh? *yawns* *doesn't see his computer screen*

Computer: N-e-e-e-e-o-o-o-o!

Neo: *sees screen* AHHHHHH! Computer ghosts! Mommy always warned me about them!

Computer: N-e-o, s-h-u-t u-p. I a-m n-o-t a g-h-o-s-t. N-o-w, a-r-e y-o-u p-a-y-i-n-g a-t-t-e-n-t-i-o-n?

Neo: Yes...

Computer: G-o-o-d. F-o-l-l-o-w t-h-e w-h-i-t-e t-i-g-e-r.

Neo: But it'll eat me! *computer goes blank* Hmmm... That was really weird... *knock on his door*

Neo: Coming! *opens the door. Choi is there wearing a neon yellow feather boa* Jeez, you're early. Good thing I'm already finished. *goes to a hard cover copy of "The Hobbit" and turns to Chapter 12: Inside Information. From here he produces a disc.*

Weird Philosopher Guy: Ah, there is so much meaning to be gained from the number and the name of this chapter! I could write a whole paper, just on that! It means that... *Two men in white suits with white feather boas come and drag him off. He doesn't appear to notice, and keeps going on about the higher meaning behind Neo pulling the disc out of that chapter*

Neo: *looks at the man being dragged off oddly for a few seconds, then blinks* Ok, here it is. One stolen pre-release of LOTR III. If anyone asks...

Choi: I know, I know. I don't know you.

Neo: Good. Because if anyone finds out I have it, they'll crash my hard drive, and that would just KILL me!

Choi: *Jamaican accent* Ya, mon. [A/N: Adrian, we'll get that!] Hey, like my new tattoo? *He turns so Neo can examine his new tattoo, a white tiger*

Neo: Yeah, it's really cool. *He doesn't get it at all. His computer makes a funny coughing noise. They both turn to look at it, and Neo finally realizes what's going on* Hey, Choi, you going anywhere tonight?

Choi: Yeah, back to my apartment... Why?

Neo: Oh, no reason...

Choi: I see... Here's your money. *Gives Neo some money* Bye...

Neo: Bye. *Follows him all the way back to his apartment and hides there for a while, until Choi notices*

Choi: STALKER!

Neo: No, Choi, I can explain!

Choi: Go home, Neo. *shakes head*

Neo: Awww... Stupid computer ghosts. *Choi looks at him oddly, and he goes home*

(Neo's apartment; the next day)

Computer: S-o-r-r-y a-b-o-u-t t-h-a-t, N-e-o. W-h-a-t I m-e-a-n-t t-o s-a-y w-a-s, f-o-l-l-o-w t-h-e w-h-i-t-e R-A-B-B-I-T. N-o-w, g-e-t u-p a-n-d t-r-y a-g-a-i-n. R-i-s-e a-n-d s-h-i-n-e!

Neo: Ahhhh! The ghosts are back! *the computer goes blank* Oh god, I don't believe it's 10:00 PM already! I'm just a little sleep machine... *starts singing to the tune of "I'm a little teapot" until a knock on his door stops him*

Choi: It's me! Open up! *Neo opens the door*

Me: No it's not.

Me2: Shut up!

Me3: WHAT THE HELL? I really wish I could remember what THAT was about... meh...

Neo: Yeah, what is it?

Choi: Well, two things. First, you seemed so interested in going somewhere with me yesterday, I came to tell you that I'm going out tonight. Second, I wanted you to meet DuJour. Neo, DuJour. DuJour, Neo. *They both smirk at the other one's name* So, c'mon! Let's go!

Neo: Sorry I can't, I have... *He sees the tattoo on DuJour's arm. It is a white rabbit* Well, ok. I'll come.

(Weird bar-type place)*Neo is standing in a corner by himself, listening to the same song I am, oddly enough. Oh rats, it just ended, so I'll say that he is now listening to the song I was listening to BEFORE that one, not that you care or it matters* *No, we were both listening to Dragula by Rob Zombie, 'cause I'm playing the Matrix soundtrack. Anyway...*

Neo: Argh, I followed them here, just like the computer ghosts told me to, but then they ditched me and nothing is happening! Booooooriiiiing....

*A strange woman wearing entirely too shiny black spandex walks up*

Woman: Hello, Neo.

Neo: *startled, 'cause he wasn't paying attention. And the spandex, of course...* Ahhhh! You freaky stalker, how do you know that name? And what's with the spandex? You look like an oil slick!

Kym Barrett: Yeah! He noticed! She's supposed to look like an oil slick! *they both look at her strangely and keep talking*

Woman: Well, actually, a mutual friend of ours wanted to hook us up a while ago, and you emailed me, and it IS your MSN name, you know... But forget that! I know because... I see all, am all, and know all... *points to Neo's hair* except that! And ignore the spandex...

Neo: Woah...

Woman: My name is Trinity...

Neo: Oh, hi... *blushes* *giggles*

Trinity: Oh dear... You didn't drink anything here, did you?!

Neo: Um, yeah, I think so...

Trinity: Oh, shit... A certain someone who will not be named, whose name starts with an A and ends with a C, who frequents this bar-type place with a certain assistant, who will also not be named, are in BIG TROUBLE! [A/N: Hmmm... Long story... Maybe it will someday be told...] I told them you were coming! Shit...

Neo: Hee hee! You're funny!

Trinity: Much as I hate to do this, because of your profound ugliness, you're going to have to come home with me...

(Trinity's apartment)*Trinity puts Neo on the couch*

Trinity: There you go...

(four hours later)

Neo: Ahhhhhh! Where am I? DAMN COMPUTER GHOSTS!

Trinity: The hell? Are you better now? Good. Now, Neo, I know why you're here, and I can help you find the answer you're looking for...

Neo: Oh, good. I'm glad SOMEONE around here knows why I'm here! That's the answer I'm looking for!

Trinity: *sighs* That's not what I meant. I meant, I know why you followed your computer's instructions, and why you sit at home alone night after night.

Neo: Yeah, so do I. I'm very gullible and I'm addicted to SimCity. Speaking of which, I haven't played it for hours! You don't have it, do you?

Trinity: No. Now shut up! You're confusing me! Neo, let's start again, but, instead of saying... Whatever it was you said, you are going to say: The Matrix, ok?

Neo: The Matrix?

Trinity: *sighs* Fine, ha ha, I set myself up for that. Neo, do you know why you're here?

Neo: The Matrix?

Trinity: Yes. Exactly. Do you want to know what the Matrix is? You can say "yes" now.

Neo: Yes.

Trinity: Good. Now go home. *Neo goes home*

(Neo's apartment)

Neo: Oh no! It's 7:01! I'm going to be a minute late for work! *He frantically gets ready, which slows him down, and he still gets there one minute late, at 9:01*

(Neo's boss's office)

Neo's Boss who isn't Worth Naming: Mr. Anderson, it seems to me that you are living under the illusion that you are actually important. Well you are not! You are so unimportant, I don't even know why I'm talking to you, but the fact still remains: you are exactly one minute late! This is an outrage! From now on, you will be in your tiny, smelly cubicle at exactly 9:00, or else... *Neo runs away to his tiny, smelly cubicle*

Neo: Ahhhh... Full of tiny, smelly, cubicley goodness... *He promptly begins his daily Tetris game. *A FedEx Guy comes up, wearing a bright pink feather boa [A/N: sorry, I have a strange boa obsession, ask Mark-Lark about the brain thing with all the stuff the kids had to touch... I'll put more in later!]*

Neo: *looking at the boa* You interrupted my game! This had better be good!

FedEx Guy: Are you Thomas A. Anderson?

Neo: Depends who wants to know.

FedEx Guy: Me.

Neo: Yeah, fine, he's me.

FedEx Guy: Good. Sign here. *Neo signs and gets the package* Have a nice day! *Neo looks at him as if he just said something really weird...* *leaves*

Neo: *opens the package. Inside is a cell phone.* AHHHHH! PHONE! AHHH! [A/N: there is a reason for that, watch his face in the movie at this part] *As soon as he sees it, it begins to ring* AHHHHH! IT MAKES NOISE! MAKE IT STOOOOOP! WHEN WILL IT END!!!!!!

Co-workers: *en masse* SHUT UP, MR. ANDERSON, YOU BROKE MY CONCENTRATION AND I LOST MY GAME!

Boss: SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU!

Neo: *whimpers* Okay... :( *looks at the phone, which is still ringing* Stupid thing... Ah well, I wonder who it is... *answers phone* Hello?

Voice: Hello, Neo. Do you know who this is?

Neo: *Thinks for a while* [A/N: As Adrian would say at this point "I can smell the rubber burning." Strange...] The Matrix?

Voice: ARGH! TRINITY!!!!! *laughter can be heard in the background, and a voice that will later be identified as Apoc is heard to go "huh?"* Nevermind... No. This is not the Matrix. Please try again.

Neo:...????? Er... Harry Potter? Sirius Black? No, wait, he's dead. *Sobs* [A/N: But no, that part really WAS sad...] [A/N: Sorry about all the A/Ns!]

Voice: Alright, I've had enough. You're wasting time. It's Morpheus, Neo, Morpheus.

Neo: Ahhhhhhhh.... Why didn't you just say that in the first place?

Morpheus: Never you mind, my boy. Now, back to the script... I've been looking for you, Neo. I don't know if you're ready to see what I want to show you, but unfortunately you and I have run out of time. They're coming for you, Neo, and I don't know what they're going to do.

Neo: *heh heh* No, I don't think so either...

Morpheus: What?!

Neo: I don't think I'm ready to see what you want to show me, either! EEEEEEEWWWWWW!!!!!!!! MOLESTER OF THE INNOCENT!!!!

Morpheus: *sigh* The things I put up with... And you're hardly innocent.

Neo: Oh fine, who's after me?

Morpheus: Stand up and see for yourself. Over by the elevator.

Neo: What elevator? This place is too cheap for an el- *an elevator appears* Ooooh! How'd you do that?

Morpheus: I didn't. They did. *MIB theme starts playing. The elevator doors open and three men in dark suits and green feather boas emerge*

Neo: Oooh, good song! Um... Am I supposed to be scared?

Morpheus: Yes. Now run. Run randomly around the building and maybe they magically won't see you. *Neo runs randomly around the building and they magically don't see him*

Neo: Ok, now what?

Morpheus: Well, that all depends on you. Now it's time for a "Choose your own adventure", Neo. *a box with two buttons appears beside Neo*

Neo: Oooh! You did that, right?

Morpheus: Yezzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Neo: Ooooh, special...

Morpheus: Wait until you meet the Twins... Oops, *heh* you're not supposed to know about them yet... Anyway... If you want this story to go anywhere, you have to press the button on the left. If you want it to end now, press the button on the right.

Neo: Do I have a choice?

Morpheus: No, not really. We talk about choice in the second movie, so just press the left button for now, ok?

Neo: Okay. *presses left button*

Agent Bob: There he is! *they grab him, stuff him in the car, and drive him to a creepy building, where they drag him to a creepy interrogation room, and leave him alone for several hours*

Neo: Creepy...

(several hours later) *Enter Agents Larry, Bob and Smith*

Agent Smith: *Looks at Neo and bursts out laughing. A disembodied voice yells "CUT!" and the scene starts again*

Agent Smith: Mr. Anderson, I'm very, *snicker*, disappointed in you.

Neo: *staring at feather boa* Um, do I know you?

A.S: No. We've never met, but it's my duty to stalk everyone in the M- in the city.

Neo: Ah. I see. Anyway, why are you disappointed, exactly?

A.S: *clears throat, trying to regain control of situation* Yes. Well. I am disappointed in you because you aren't going along with the system like the SHEEP YOU ARE! *pants*

Neo: Um, yeah...

A.S: Specifically, you have been looking for someone called... Morpheus... He is evil, and an I.Y. or 'Independent Yam'...

Neo: Uh huh... Well now, I'll just be...

A.S: Anyway, you are going to help us find him, because we have mental serious (A/N: *heh* or, serious mental, for that matter) problems, which is why we wear our sunglasses indoors, by the way, and we can't find him ourselves.

Neo: *heh* sorry guys, can't help you (you're beyond help...), so I think I'll phone my mommy now...

A.S: Tell me, Mr. Anderson... What good is a phone call if you are... unable to speak...?

Neo: Huh? What are you on?! I can speak just fine! Listen: la la la la la ! I'm speeeeeakiniiiing! *Agent Larry pulls out a wool tie and shoves it in Neo's mouth [A/N: Oh man, I've had that happen, it's NOT fun!]*

A.S: Now who has the last word? Ha ha ha ha ha ha! *other Agents sigh* Now, you're going to help us, whether you want to or not! *other Agents put Neo on the table, pull off his shirt, and put one of those sponge-pellet things that expand in hot water in his belly button for no apparent reason, while Neo flails around*

A.S: There! That should take care of you. For no apparent reason...

*Neo wakes up in his bed, frantically spitting bits of fluff from the tie. He doesn't bother to check his belly button...* *the phone rings, Neo picks up. It's Morpheus*

Morpheus: Hello, Neo. I'm sorry about that, but the plot must go on!

Neo: *spitting fluff* It's okay... Um, why are you calling...? *Neo thinking: STALKER! STALKER! Margarita: RAPE RAPE!* [A/N: just for those of you who'll get that]

Morpheus: Well, this line is tapped, so I'll just tell the Agents where to go. *starts speaking very loudly and clearly* Neo, go to the Adam's street bridge right now, ok?

Neo: Okay. I'll go right now. *Morpheus hangs up* *Neo, being a dumb hacker, doesn't have a raincoat, so he marches outside wearing only a stupid thin shirt [A/N: and pants, Jill!] and walks to the bridge. A black car is sitting there*

Neo + Trinity: Oh no! YOU again!

Apoc + Switch: Huh?

Trinity: Nevermind. Don't ask. Just don't. Neo, get in. *Neo gets in. Switch pulls out a big, shiny gun and points it at him as Apoc starts driving*

Neo: Ooooh... It's so big and shiny... *suddenly realizes what this means* AH! SCARY WHITE HAIRED WOMAN WITH GUN!!!!! [A/N: Who actually looks a lot like me... Weird...]

Switch: Stop the car. *Apoc stops the car* Listen to me, coppertop. We don't have time for twenty questions. Right now there's only one rule, our way or the highway.

Neo: Fine.

Switch: Alright then.

Neo: Fine.

Switch: Alright then.

Neo: Fine.

Switch: Alright then.

Neo: Fine.

Switch: *presses a button and a huge highway appears* [A/N: the same one, in fact, that is later seen in Reloaded] Alright then. Get out. *smirks*

Neo: On second thought, maybe I'll stay... *heh* *the highway disappears and they keep driving*

Switch: Good choice...

Trinity: Apoc, lights. *Apoc turns on some little pointless lights, and turns around to grin evilly at Neo. He doesn't turn back to watch the road though. Fortunately, they're on an empty street...* Relax, lift up your shirt...

Neo: EEEEEW! You pErV! What's with everyone and wanting to get my shirt off?

Trinity: Neo, relax. I think you're bugged.

Neo: You bet I am!

Trinity: No, the other kind of bugged...

Neo: Ah. Ok. *Trinity pulls the spinge-thing [A/N: Oh, sorry, that's SPONGE. I just had to leave spinge in, though... Spinge spinge spinge! Sounds like something Syddie would say... Ok, everyone. It's time to let out your stress.]

{Repeat after Matrix_Twin1: Spinge spinge spinge! There, doesn't that feel better?}

*Anyway, Trinity pulls the sponge thing out of Neo's belly button*

Neo: AHHHHH! That thing is real?!

Trinity: No. There is no sponge...

Neo: Ooookay...

Trinity: Never mind...

Neo: Yeah...

(at the hotel) *Neo and Trinity leave poor Switch and Apoc and go upstairs. Just in front of the last door on the top floor Trinity stops. Neo walks into her and almost falls down the stairs. She doesn't seem to notice*

Trinity: This is it. Let me give you one piece of advice. Be honest. He knows more than you can imagine.

Neo: Ooooh... I don't think I want to know...

Trinity: Bye now! *she leaves him to go through the big, scary door all alone*

Neo: *whimper* She left me to go through the big, scary door all alone! *he finally gets up enough courage to s-l-o-w-l-y open the door. Lawrence Fishburne is waiting inside for him*

Lawrence Fishburne: Welcome, Neo. As you no doubt have guessed, I am Lawrence. But please, call me Morpheus.

Neo: Ok. Er, how are you?

Morpheus: Not now, Neo! We don't have time for frivolities!

Neo: S-sorry...

Morpheus: Anyway, I imagine you feel a bit like Oliver, leaving Ontario, hmmm?

Neo:?????

Morpheus: Er, I mean, a bit like Alice, tumbling down the rabbit hole, hmmm?

Neo: Actually, no. I'm too clueless to be confused... If that makes any sense.

Morpheus: *ignores him* I can see it in your eyes... Those big, pretty eyes.

Neo: Er, right...

Morpheus: Let me tell you why you're here-

Neo: Oh good, someone knows!

Morpheus: You're here because you know something. What you know you don't know, but you know it.

Switch: It makes sense if you don't think about it... Like how in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar it lists a character as "a poet. Another poet". *evil Jori laugh*



[A/N: Perhaps an explanation of this sequence is in order now. Please see supplementary chapters "A" and "B"]

Neo: Okay... I'll just take your word on that...

Morpheus: Yes, thank you, Switch... Now go back to whatever it is you're supposed to be doing! Anyway, do you know what I'm talking about, Neo?

Neo: Er... The... May-trix...?

Morpheus: Yezzzzzzzzzzz... Do you want to know... What it is? *Neo nods, slowly* The Matrix is everywhere. Eeeeeverywheeeeeere.... *Neo backs away* You can feel it when you pet that cute cat down the street, you can see it when you watch TV, and, most importantly, you can SMELL IT right now...

Neo: And that is most important why?

Morpheus: Because. I say so. *British accent* The Matrix is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truuuuth.

Neo: What truth?

Morpheus: There is no spooooon...

Neo: Woah...

Spoon Kid: *to Morpheus* Hey! That's my line! Go get your own, you have enough! Hmph! *stalks off*

Neo: Who was he?

Morpheus: You'll find out later. Now, it's time for another choose-your-own-adventure. This is the last one. *he pulls out a pill box and takes out three pills* You take the blue pill, you wake up in your miserable little cubicle and believe whatever you damn well please. You take the red pill, and I'll show you how far you are from Ontario. Or how deep the rabbit hole goes. Whichever you want. You take the pink pill with green dots, and no one really knows what will happen to you... I wouldn't advise it... The only one to do that so far has been Cypher... So, what'll it be: *loud, irritating music starts playing* Piiiiiillllll nuuuuumber 1! Piiiiiiilllll nuuuuumber 2! Or Piiiiiiilllll nuuuuumber 3!

Neo: Um, number 2? Yeah, that sounds good. *he takes the pill. Morpheus looks like a little kid who's just learned he's moving to the North Pole e.g.: ecstatic

Morpheus: Come with me. *he leads Neo into a little room behind the big room they were just in. It's full of equipment that has no real purpose, and people. Morpheus doesn't bother introducing them to Neo, he just shoves him into a chair and straps him in. Switch is there, wearing more or less nothing, still in white*

Neo: Ooooh.... Flashy lights... What's all this equipment for?

Morpheus: Intimidation, my dear Neo. It's just equipment that has no real purpose.

Neo: I seeeeee....

Morpheus: It's that pill that's the important thing. It was designed to interrupt your input/output carrier signals.

Neo: I seeeeee.... And that means what, exactly?

Cypher: It means buckle your seatbelt, Oliver, because Ontario is going bye-bye!



[A/N: Perhaps an explanation of this Oliver/Ontario thing is in order now. Please see supplementary chapter "C"]

(The Real World - The Nebuchadnezzer to be specific)[A/N: I'm just skipping the vat o' goo part]

Neo: Huh? What happened? Am I stoned?

Morpheus: Faaaaar from it. Welcome to the real world.

Neo: Do you always feel stoned in the real world?

Morpheus: Yep. Preeeeetty much...

Neo: Great. *becomes unconscious again*

(Some time later)*Neo is covered in porcupine quills*

Neo: Ahhhh! What are those things? What are you doing?!

Morpheus: They're porcupine quills. Your muscles have atrophied, and we're experimenting with ways to rebuild them... It just might be working. See? Your arm just twitched! *Neo becomes unconscious yet again*

(Not quite so much time later-Neo's room) *Neo has one more porcupine quill stuck in his arm. He pulls it very slowly out of one of his plugs*

Neo: Eeeew...

Morpheus: Ah good, you're awake. Rise and shine!

Neo: *rolls over to face the wall and groans* No!

Morpheus: Yes. Now, don't you have some questions? Hmmmm?

Neo: Oh fine if you insist... What is this place?

Morpheus: Well, that doesn't matter. What matters is Time. Time is very important. Remember the Time Assignment, Neo!

Neo: Hë|| no!

Morpheus: *sulking* Fine then! I won't tell you what little I know!

Neo: What little do you know? Please?

Morpheus: Weeeeellll, okay. See, *sits down on bed* it's about time I told you about the birds and the bees... Once upon a...

Neo: WHAT?! Aren't you going to tell me what's going on?!

Morpheus: Sorry... Ok. *very fast* You think it's 1999 but really it's closer to 2199 I don't know what year it is because I only know what the Oracle tells me but that's okay because...

Neo: Woah, woah, woah. Slow down. Oracle??????

Morpheus: ¬_¬ [A/N: _ Hey, that looks like Morpheus!] You know what your problem is? You always interrupt. That's why you're so clueless all the time.

Neo: Ah.

Morpheus: As I was saying... Come with me.

Neo: Why?

Morpheus: Because you've slept for the last year and now we're all bored.

Neo: Ah.

Morpheus: Right now we are on my ship, the Nebuchadnezzer. Long name, yes. Usually we shorten it to "the Neb". Besides, it sounds cooler. It makes us sound like we're not a bunch of middle-aged freaks trying to act like teenage idols. [A/N: NO OFFENCE TO THE MATRIX! I throw myself at its collective feet!] *they walk around. Mouse follows Neo around and Neo gets nervous*

Neo: Uh. Huh.

Morpheus: Anyway, it's a hovercraft. This is the main deck. This is the core where we broadcast our pirate signal and hack into the Matrix. You already know most of my crew, even though you have no idea what their names are because no one bothered to introduce you. These are Switch, Apoc, Dank and Tozer. Oops, no, Tank and Dozer, sorry... And you already know Trinity. And Cypher. *all the others look at him blankly. Only Cypher gives any sign of noticing his existence* Oh yeah, and the little guy behind you who has been stalking you the whole time is Mouse. [A/N: indubitably the best char. in the first movie. If only he survived long enough to be compared to the twins. I'll have to see what I can do about that...]

Neo: Uh, hi...

Mouse: *blushes and runs off*

Neo: He's weird...

Morpheus: Naw, he's just shy. Just let him get used to having you around.

Neo: Okay... Is he your mascot or pet or something?

Morpheus: No.

Neo: Sure?

Morpheus: Preeee-tty sure... Alright, you wanted to know what the Matrix is?

Neo: Yeah. I guess... I'm not so sure anymore.

Morpheus: Well, you're going to do this, Mr. Anderson, whether you want to or not.

Neo: Could you not call me that?

Morpheus: Call you what?

Neo: Mr. Anderson. My Mom used to call me that.

Morpheus: Ok.

Neo: Thanks.

Morpheus: No problem. Just sit in this creepy chair. *Neo sits in the creepy chair*

Neo: This sure is a creepy chair.

Morpheus: Yes it is... Now hold still while I shove this thing into the back of your skull. It might feel... A little weird... *shoves the thing into the back of Neo's skull. His eyes roll back into his head*

(In construct)

Neo: AGGGGHHHHH!!!!! *Morpheus appears* You freak! That didn't feel "a little weird"! It felt like you were jamming something into the back of my skull!

Morpheus: I was.

Neo: Oh. That explains it.

Morpheus: Yeah. Ok, Tank.

Neo: Who are you talking to?

Morpheus: Tank.

Neo: But he's not here...

Morpheus: But he can hear me.

Neo: Ok. I'll believe you...

Morpheus: Good. *that maze screen saver appears around them. Morpheus starts walking down one of the paths, looking annoyed. Neo follows. They keep walking until Morpheus accidentally walks into one of those things that turns the maze upside down. Neo lands on his head, but Morpheus calmly flips over and lands on his feet*

Neo: Ow! What the-

Morpheus: This is the Screensaver. It's our program to save dense people's brains undo wear and tear when they're not being used.

Neo: Oh.

Morpheus: Tank, load the construct. *The maze vanishes and the blank whiteness of the construct appears*

Neo: What is this place?

Morpheus: It's a room... with a wall... a biiiiig wall... [A/N: Oh LOL that woman is SO DENSE: Quick explanation: our CCA teacher was trying to give us directions to the room our exam was going to be in. Her directions: "Uh, the projection room... It's a room. With a wall. A biiiiig wall"]

Neo: Ooooh... So much empty whiteness to run around in... And I bet you never get tired, either! *starts running around crazily*

(two hours later)

Morpheus: Ok, Neo, I think that's enough now...

Neo: Awwwww, do I have to stop?

Morpheus: Yes. For the sake of my sanity.

Neo: What sanity?

Morpheus: What little I have left after being with you.

Neo: Awww, a'righ'.

Morpheus: *makes two crap leather chairs and a crap TV appear* Thi-

Neo: How did you do that?

Morpheus: If you would stop interrupting you would know that already! Now. This is the construct. We can load anything in here: weapons, clothes, equipment that really has no purpose, and if you're Mouse, certain other things too... But we won't go into that...

Neo: Ok. Do the things always have to be all old and craptacular?

Morpheus: No, I just like them that way.

Neo: Riiiiiight...

Morpheus: Anyway, sit down and watch TV.

Neo: This I like! *sits down and starts flipping channels. They all show the same thing: Neo's old city* Aw, the channels are as crappy as the TV! That sounds like a metaphor...

Morpheus: Just watch and listen to me narrate. *the TV shows everything he talks about* This is the world you know: essentially it's just a big city. Pretty boring. It was pretty much always like that, so a long time ago, around 1999, people got bored and decided to grow a forest. Are you with me so far?

Neo: Yeah. Ok: City, bored people, forest.

Morpheus: Yes. So, they grew a really big, scary forest, and out of this forest came AI.

Neo: You mean Artificial Insemination?

Morpheus: Noooooo, not exactly... I mean Artificial Intelligence.

Neo: Ooooh! Can I have some?

Morpheus: I'll see... Anyway, this Artificial Intelligence was evil, and it decided to kill everyone with Real Intelligence because it was jealous. So it took over the world.

Neo: This is like a comic book. Or Pinky and the Brain. Wow, that's such a great show...

Morpheus: I know exactly what you mean.

Neo: You do?

Morpheus: No. Are you still with me?

Neo: Yeah. Evil AI, forest, everyone enslaved.

Morpheus: Yep. Now, keep watching. This is the world as it is today. *the screen shows a world completely covered in giant Monty Python rabbits hopping around in a desert-type place* Welcome. To the desert of your mind...

Neo: Wow, my mind IS like a desert!

Morpheus: I mean... The Desert of the Real... Anyway, after they enslaved everyone, they created a world that looks like...

Sydney B: Australia... SYD-ney Australia!

Me: AAAAHHHH! NO! Not Australia! *runs off*

Morpheus: I'm afraid it's true... That is what the Matrix is.

Neo: Yike. We must fight this evil! [A/N: I know, I know, that has got to be the worst line in existence. If anyone, anyone at all, can think of a better one, PLEASE tell me]

Morpheus: That's where you come in. We're going to disguise you as a carrot, sneak you into the rabbits' food, and then they'll eat you, and then...

Neo: AHHHHHHH! NOOOOOOO! This isn't real! Get away from me! I don't believe it... *He wakes up in his bed in the Neb with Morpheus sitting at the end*

Morpheus: Hi.

Neo: Urg.

Morpheus: Are you ok?

Neo: What happened?

Morpheus: You fell asleep during my talk, and then you started screaming, so I brought you back here.

Neo: So the world really hasn't been taken over by giant white Monty Python rabbits?

Morpheus: Oh, no. That part's true. You fell asleep after that.

Neo: So, you aren't going to desguise me as a carrot and feed me to the rabbits?

Morpheus: No, that's only our backup plan. If you had stayed awake you would know that! No, that's not our plan. Let me tell you a story, Neo.

Neo: Oh goody! Story time!

Morpheus: Once upon a time there lived some evil Rabbit Machines who had enslaved the human race, but now that they had the humans they didn't know what to do with them, so they decided to make a program to keep them in. A zoo of sorts. The first zoo they made was called The Matrix, as were all subsequent ones, because the current one isn't the first. However, the first one was destroyed when a man was born inside. This man had the power to remake the Matrix as he-

Me: Oh boy! Can I do that, too? I know what I'd change! I'd make Mouse not die, and-

Morpheus: No no no! The actual Matrix, not the movie!

Me: Awww...

Morpheus: Now go away and let me finish!

Me: Ok, go ahead.

Morpheus: Anyway, he could remake the zoo of the Matrix however he saw fit, but he screwed up and destroyed everything in it, including himself. After he died, the Oracle prophesized his return-

Neo: Gee, she must be really old!

Morpheus: *insulted because he's that old, too* Well, not really... Now hush! Anyway, she prophesized his return, and said that when he came back he would have a brilliant plan to kill all the rabbits. I believe that you are him, Neo.

Neo: But I thought he was dead...

Morpheus: He is, he is... I believe that you are he reincarnated!

Neo: Ah. I'm with it.

Morpheus: You sure?

Neo: Yup.

Morpheus: Good. So, what's your brilliant plan to kill all the rabbits?

Neo: Uh... I'm just working out a few kinks...

Morpheus: Great. I'll hear it in the morning. Now, sleep!

Neo: Why?

Morpheus: Because, you're... only human! *walks off laughing*

(the next morning - Neo's room)

Tank: Hi, I'm Tank.

Neo: Yeah. I know, we've been introduced...

Tank: Oh, really?

Neo: Yeah.

Tank: Ok. Well, did you sleep?

Neo: No. I was proving that I'm not... only human.

Tank: Sure, whatever you say... Anyway, I'm Tank. I'll be your operator for this evening.

Neo: Operator?

Tank: It means I get to shove a whole bunch of stuff in your head.

Neo: Ah. It's morning. [A/N: Don't ask what that's supposed to mean. I can't even remember, myself...] [A/N: Now I get it! Ha, my jokes are so deep even I don't get them... *heh* sorry...]

Tank: Whatever...

Neo: Hey, you don't have plugs!

Tank: Yeah, me and my brother Dozer are both pure, 100% old fashioned, homegrown humans-

Neo: A little too much information...

Tank: *just keeps talking* - Born right here.

Neo: Right here?

Tank: No, stupid! Here as in "the real world", as in Zion.

Neo: Zion?????????

Tank: The last human city.

Neo: Ok. Can we just get on with whatever it is that we're supposed to be doing?

Tank: Sure.

(a couple minutes later, on the main deck. Neo is plugged into a chair already)

Tank: We're supposed to start with the Screensaver, but I think you've had enough of that.

Neo: Yes!

Tank: So, we'll start with the fight programs.

Neo: Oooh, this I like! *looks at screen* Yoga? I'm going to learn YOGA????!!!!

Tank: *patronizing look*

(inside Neo's brain)

Yoga instructor: Looooook at the ceiling... Reeeeach for the ceiling... Beeeee the ceiling!

Neo: AHHHHHH!! Make it stooooooop!

(back in the Neb)

Tank: Hey Mikey, I think he likes it!

Neo: Mikey, Oliver???!!! Who ARE all these people??!!

Tank: So, how was it?

Neo: *Gah*!

Tank: Ha ha, thought so!

(10 hours later)

Morpheus: Has he cracked yet?

Tank: Nope. He's... a machine. Oooh, maybe not the best choice of words, under the circumstances... *heh*

Morpheus: He's had enough. Let him out. *Tank wakes Neo up*

Neo: I know Yoga, already! Stop it!

Morpheus: Show me.

(Dojo)

Morpheus: This is a Weird Program, capital 'W' capital 'P', similar to the programmed reality of the Matrix. It has the same basic rules, rules like gravity and hierarchy. What you must learn is that these rules are no different that the rules of a computer system. Some of them can be bent. Others can be broken. Understand? *Neo nods* Then teach your Yoga class better than mine. If you can... *they both start frantically teaching*

(Nebuchadnezzer)

Mouse: Neo and Morpheus are teaching Yoga classes!

Apoc: Ooookay... Weird, weird, weird...

Mouse: Yeah. But you've gotta see it!

Switch: Well, there's little enough levity around here. Let's go! *Everyone jumps up and runs over to look*

(Dojo)

Morpheus: How did I beat you?

Neo: I dunno... You're class is smarter than mine! No fair!

Morpheus: Oh, probably... But these are just little programs that Mouse wrote. Do you think he bothered giving them intelligence?

Neo: No. Is this supposed to be teaching me something?

Morpheus: No, not really. It's just amusing.

Neo: Ah.

Morpheus: Just on a side note, do you think that's air you're breathing?

Neo: Yeah.

Morpheus: Well it's not. Now teach your class the lotus position before I can.

(Neb)

Mouse: Jesus Christ, he's fast. Take a look at his class, they're way above normal.

Apoc: Except for that small one in the back, who vaguely resembles you, Mouse...

Mouse: Yeah, well, that doesn't mean anything... I can fight!

Switch, Trinity, Apoc, Tank, Cypher and Dozer: NO YOU CAN'T!

Mouse: Awwwww... Ok, Tank and Dozer don't count, they can't come into the Matrix, and the rest of you just don't like me so ha! I know I can, no matter what you people say! Hey, look, he beat Morpheus. I don't believe it.

Apoc: That's because you're-

Trinity: Unless you want to be on toilet duty for the next month, I suggest you don't finish that sentence. That's enough being mean to Mouse for one day. Besides, that's my job!

Mouse: Awwwww... *stares blankly at screen*

(Dojo)

Morpheus: What?! You beat me! I don't believe it!

(Neb)

Mouse: Tell me about it...

Apoc: Oh shut up...

Trinity: Apoc...

Apoc: Yezzzz?

Trinity: *does the hand-across-throat gesture*

Apoc: Awww, ok... *goes off to his room*

(Dojo)

Morpheus: Well, you did okay at that. But NO ONE can beat me in the next test, so HA!

Neo: You're just trying to cover up the fact that you're embarrassed, aren't you?

Morpheus: Yeah...

Neo: It's not working.

Morpheus: So I've noticed... Tank, load the jump program.

(Neb)

Mouse: Ooooh...

Everyone else: Ahhhh...

Mouse: All hail the mighty and powerful jump program...

Everyone else: Oh, dear...

Mouse: What if he makes it?

Tank: No one's ever made their first jump...

Mouse: No one on THIS ship has... But while I was still in Zion, I heard that there was this one ship, the Amazon, I think... And there was this one guy, and...

Switch: Are we supposed to care?

Apoc: No! *they high-five*

Mouse: Awww... But anyway, what if he makes it?

Apoc: He won't.

Mouse: Pessimist.

Apoc: Oooh, look! Widdle Mousy-wousy wearned a new word! Widdle Mousy-wousy had better make suw he dwosn't hurt his widdle bwainy-wainy wike dat.

Mouse: *ignores him.* *plans the creation of an army of Women in Red to destroy Apoc* What was that?

Apoc: Oh, nothing...

Mouse: Ok. *Plot. Plot*

(Jump program) *Neo finds himself standing next to Morpheus on a giant trampoline in the middle of nowhere*

Neo: Why are we on a giant trampoline in the middle of nowhere?

Morpheus: Actually, it's more on the edge of nowhere...

Neo: Whatever, just answer the question!

Morpheus: Well, this is a lesson in how to free your mind. You see, this task-

Neo: What task?

Morpheus: The one I'm going to tell you in a second, if you stop interrupting...

Neo: Ah. Ok. Just making sure I didn't miss anything...

Morpheus: Anyway! This task is impossible to complete-

Neo: Then why do it?

Morpheus: Stop - interrupting! GAH! Now, as I was saying, it is impossible unless you believe you can do it. Completely. And even then, you still might fail, young Padawan.

Neo: ?????

Morpheus: Sorry... Now. The Task is this: you must jump up really really high, do a jumpy-kicky thing [A/N: like Trinity does on that cop], then land on the trampoline [A/N: the way she does in the beginning of Reloaded]. You fail if you: A) Fall over B) Make your spine go krrrrkkk... or C) Scream. Do it like this. *Morpheus does it* [A/N: Trust me, I've tried this exact thing, and I did A and B. But instead of C I did D) laugh crazily while everyone stares at you worriedly.]

Neo: Whoa. Okie dokie. Free my mind. [A/N: had to leave that in...]

(Neb)

Mouse: C'mon!

Apoc: Oh jeez... this is so pathetic...

Trinity: C'mon!

Apoc: Don't tell me YOU care!

Trinity: Oh, did I say that out loud... *heh*

Apoc: *sighs*

(Jump program)

Morpheus: Jump Neo, jump! You can do it! I believe in you! *Neo tries to do it. And does A, B and D*

Neo: Ow.

Neo's spine: krrrrkkk

Morpheus: Ow.

Neo: Yeah... Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Morpheus: Are you ok?

Neo: I guess so...

(Neb)

Mouse: W-what does that mean?

Switch: What? Krrrrkkk? That's the sound your spine makes when...

Mouse: No. What does it mean that he failed?

Apoc: It means you owe me. Pay up! *Mouse reluctantly hands him a disk. He runs off with it, grinning evilly. Switch's face clearly reads: Don't WANT to know... Don't WANT to know...*

Switch: Ok, aside from that... *heh* It doesn't mean anything.

Cypher: Everyone falls the first time, right, Trin? *Switch is in the background, humming "Lovefool" by the Cardigans to make fun of his patheticness* *Trinity is already standing by Neo, ready to unplug him*

Neo: Ow. *twists his back around*

Neo's spine: krrrrkkk

Neo: I thought it wasn't real... *sob*

Morpheus: You're mind makes it real.

Neo: Soooo... That means... Wait, I can figure it out! Ummmm, so... Oh! I know! If you die in the Matrix, are you dead dead?

Morpheus: If you mean 'do you die here, too?', then yes. You do. The body USUALLY cannot live without the mind. Although there are exceptions.

Me: *thinks of Justin Cyr* Tell me about it... A sign of a mind-body disruption is wanting to BASH PEOPLE'S LOCKERS IN, RIGHT?! [A/N: If Justin is, somehow, able to read this, which I doubt... I KNOW it was you! DIIIIIIEEEE GO CURL UP IN SOME DARK, DANK HOLE AND DIE!] [A/N: Mmmmm... *noise of satisfaction = Mmmmm* Fun rant...]

Morpheus: Err... Sure... Anyway.

(Later. Just outside Neo's room) *Trinity brings sleeping Neo some 'food' as in goo, which is kinda pointless 'cause he's asleep.*

Cypher: I don't remember you ever brining ME dinner...

Trinity: Well, of course you don't! I only bring sleeping people dinner. You wouldn't remember because you were sleeping!

Me: Hey! I just realized something creepy...

Cypher + Trinity: What?! What?!

Me: If you take out the 'PHE' in Cypher's name, you're left with Cyr, as in Justin Cyr. You are then left with Phe, for Phe-rocious.

Trinity: Ferocious is spelled with an 'F', not a 'P'.

Me: Awww... But there's still the Cyr! He's a traitor! A locker basher!

Cypher: *turns red* Err... That's a lie! It's a total coincidence! *mutters about 'Shutting people up'*

Me: *does 'I'm watching you!' hand gesture, and vanishes back out of her computer to keep writing*

Cypher: *heh* Lies! Conspiracy! I've never heard of this guy!

Trinity: You're weird. Why do you bother listening to her, anyway? No one else does... *takes off, leaving him alone*

Cypher: Damn...

(The next day, in the construct, specifically the WIR program)

Morpheus: The Matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy-

Neo: Oh goody goody goody! I LOVE being the enemy of the system! Can we burn it? Can we kill it? Can we mutilate it? Huh huh huh huh huh huh? Can we can we can we can-

Morpheus: In a way... Now Šhû± úÞ [A/N: Sorry... That's fun, though!] and listen! Now, look around you. What do you see?

Neo: Uh... People?

Morpheus: Yes, but what kind of people?

Neo: Weird ones who keep slamming into me... Why aren't they hitting you, hmmmm?

Morpheus: 'cause I'm special.

Neo: Awww...

Morpheus: I'll tell you what you see.

Neo: Ok.

Morpheus: You see teachers, lawyers, business people, sailors, and...

Neo: Women in Red... *turns off attention to watch Woman in Red*

Morpheus: The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, they are part of that system, and therefore our enemy. For example: *The Woman in Red abruptly turns into Agent Smith*

Neo: EEEEEEW! That is SOOOO wrong! Nasty...

Neo's train of thought: Woman - Man = WRONG!!!! *Agent Smith pulls out a gun and points it at Neo* Woman - Man + gun = RUNRUNRUNRUN...

Morpheus: Freeze it.

Neo: Th-this isn't the Matrix?

Morpheus: Obviously not. If it was that easy, we wouldn't need a One, now would we?

Neo: Maybe you just like having me around...?

Morpheus: No... Anyway, this is a training program designed to teach you one thing. Can you guess what that is?

Neo: That woman - man = WRONG, woman - man + gun = RUNRUNRUNRUN?

Morpheus: Well, that too... But the real point is that ?person? - Agent = VERY VERY BAD!

Neo: What are Agents?

Morpheus: Sentient programs, with the ability to take over any human host-

Neo's train of thought: Morpheus - Agent = DEATH

Morpheus: Any human host still plugged in, Neo.

Neo: Oh. Good.

Morpheus: Now, they know how to defeat the rabbits, but everyone who has ever tried to ask an Agent has either ended up dead or insane... But seeing as I think you're the One, and you already are insane, I think you just might have a chance.

Neo: Oh, that's good, then!

Morpheus: *sigh*

Tank's voice: We've got trouble.

(Neb, cockpit)

Morpheus: So... This is about, what, exactly?

Tank: (who found Morpheus' Morphine stash, so he is now very laid back) Oh, well... Nothing much. Just some squiddies. Coming at us. That's all.

Morpheus: WHAT??!!

Neo: ??????

Dozer: Awwww! Poor Neo! Squiddies are sentinels, they only have one mission: search and destroy.

Trinity: Yeah, but I've also heard that they make really good fries...

All: ?????

Trinity: *heh*

Neo: Er, ok... Can we, you know, kill them....? *panicking* They're...watching...me! With their creepy little eyes! Make it STOOOOOP! *sob*

Trinity: Don't worry, the EMP will take care of them for widdle Neo!

Neo: E???M???P??? ??????

Trinity: Electromagnetic Pulse

Neo: And that does what, exactly?

Trinity: Nothing, actually. It just makes us feel productive while we wait for them to leave.

Neo: Ah. *long pause while they wait for them to leave* Where are we?

Trinity: They're old service and waste systems.

Neo: Sewers?

Trinity: There used to be cities that spanned hundreds of miles. Now these sewers are all that's left of them.

Morpheus: Quiet.

Neo: Here we are, in a sewer, and the best thing you can think to say is 'quiet'?

Morpheus: Hush, you! *the squiddies leave*

[A/N: I'm going to skip the pointless [or pintless, as was originally typed] bit where Cypher talks to Neo. (I always fast forward that bit when I watch the Matrix - so shoot me.)]

(Fancy restaurant)

Agent Smith: (who will henceforth be known as 'Agent Elrond' and now looks like Agent Smith, but with the boa still and with Elrond's hair. Just to amuse me and piss off the LOTR people...) So, do we have a deal, Mr. Bush?

Cypher: *completely ignores the question* You know what I've realized?

Agent Elrond: No. And I don't want to know. But I have a feeling I'm going to find out anyway...

Cypher: I found out this steak doesn't exist...

Agent Elrond: Good job. And it only took you, what, nine years?

Cypher: *ignores him again* After nine years, do you know what I've realized?

Agent Elrond: That you're evil and shouldn't be trusted?

Cypher: Well, that too. But, besides that... *shoves HUGE bite of steak into his mouth and talks with his mouth full. Blood from the steak dribbles down his chin. We see Agent Elrond sloooowly sneak towards the dribble with a napkin* Ignorance is scrumph!

Agent Elrond: How profound... *hides the napkin quickly*

Cypher: I mean... Ignorance is bliss...

Agent Elrond: So, do we have a deal, Mr. Bush? Is that what you are TRYING to get at?

Cypher: I don't want to remember anything. ANYTHING, you understand?

Agent Elrond: *staring at his Desert Eagle* Oh yes, don't worry. That can be arranged...

Cypher: What is it that you want, anyway?

Agent Elrond: *polishing his nails* Oh, not much. Just the access codes for Zion's mainframe.

Cypher: Oh, is that all?! Do I LOOK like the kind of guy who they would give those to?

Agent Elrond: No. I was just making sure. Fine then, get me Morpheus.

Cypher: Why?

Agent Elrond: Because I want to... I mean... *heh* He's a captain, he knows them.

Cypher: Ok. *scribbles something on a piece of paper*

Agent Elrond: Ok, just pass that to me, and I'll do what you want... *snatches paper* *turns to leave*

Cypher: What about me?

Agent Elrond: Oh yes. *kills him* There we go...

Everyone in the restaurant: YEAH!!!!!! GO SCARY MIB GUY!

Agent Elrond: I - AM - NOT - PART - OF - THE - M-FREAKING-IB!!!!!!

Everyone: *quietly* Okay...

(Neb Mess hall)

Tank: Here ya go, little buddy! Breakfast of champions!

Switch: So that's why the 'Zion Olympics' are so pathetic...

Neo: It appears to be paper mache... Not any sort of recognizable food...

Mouse: It's not so bad, long as you don't think about lyposuction *they all shudder as they do just that. Dozer begins to gag and runs off* [A/N: please note, I didn't write that line, although I REALLY wish I had... It's actually from an earlier script, but I think they should have left it in.]

Mouse: It's not as bad as what I got at home! *he begins energetically sucking it up through a straw that is *magically* there. Everyone else looks MORE disgusted*

Apoc: Please...no...gonna...sick...!

Mouse: *slurp* What was that? :)

Apoc: If you don't stop that now I'm going to come over there and beat your scrawny ass!

Mouse: Ah. Ok. *puts down the straw*

Switch: Speaking of scrawny asses... Has anyone seen Cypher lately?

Apoc: Scrawny ass?

Switch: Never mind, I just thought about it. Anyway, has anyone?

All others: No.

Switch: Ah, good. Maybe he fell out...

Mouse: *clears his throat* Um, anyway... Wanna know what this reminds me of?

Everyone: No.

Mouse: Let me rephrase that. Know what this reminds me of?

Switch: No, but I have a feeling that we're gonna find out anyway...

Mouse: Right you are! It reminds me of Tasty Wheat. Did you ever eat Tasty Wheat, Switchy?

Switch: No. And if you EVER call me 'Switchy' again, you'll have a little 'accident' next time we go into the Matrix, understand?

Mouse: *cowers* Uh huh...

Switch: Good. *pats him*

Mouse: Anyway, did you ever eat Tasty Wheat, SWITCH?

Switch: No, but technically neither did you. *smirks*

Mouse: That's exactly my point! Exactly!

Switch: *looks at Apoc* Well, I thought that would shut him up...

Apoc: Noooo... That's exactly what he wanted you to say... Just sit back and tune out...

Mouse: Anyway, you have to wonder now. How did the machines really know what

Tasty Wheat tasted like. Huh?. Maybe they got it wrong. Maybe what I think Tasty Wheat tasted like actually

tasted like oatmeal or tuna fish. That makes you wonder about a lot of things. You take chicken for example,

maybe they couldn't figure out what to make chicken taste like, which is why chicken tastes like everything.

Maybe they couldn't figure out... [A/N: This is so perfect, I have to keep it how it is...]

Apoc: Shut up, Mouse.

Mouse: Awwww... *goes back to plotting his army*

Dozer: It's a single cell protein combined with synthetic aminos, vitamins, and minerals. Everything the body

needs. *everyone looks at him blankly. Neo looks around for the box that Dozer was CLEARLY reading from, but can't find one*

Neo: Uh, Mouse, does he actually MEMORIZE that junk?

Mouse: Yup. *glad someone is talking to him, poor li'l guy* It doesn't have EVERYthing the body needs... *sick little chuckle* Sooooo, you've been through the Agent Training program, I hear...

Switch: *who has heard this conversation many, many times before* Here it comes...

Mouse: I, uh, I designed that program...

Neo: Then why is it so evil and sick and wrong and...

Mouse: Morpheus MADE me write it that way... *looks around to make sure Morpheus hasn't come in* But that's not my point...

Neo: Then what IS your point?

Mouse: Well... The only part I really had any control over was her. So what did you think of her?

Neo: Whoooooo?

Mouse: *very patient because he's just glad someone's talking to him* The Woman in Red... She doesn't talk much... Actually, she doesn't talk, does she, Apoc?

Apoc: *evil, twisted smirk* Nope... *everyone shudders*

Mouse: Um, yeah... But if you want, I can arrange for a much more personal milieu if you'd like...

Neo: What - are - you - talking - about?

Mouse: Jeez, even I know, and I'm like half your age... Do I have to spell it out for you?

Neo: Yes.

Mouse: S-E-X.

Neo: AHHHHH....

Mouse: Soooo? *At that moment they are interrupted by Morpheus*

Morpheus: Dozer, get up now and leave your breakfast.

Dozer: Ok.

Morpheus: This could wait until later, but you're going to get up anyway. Go get the ship up to broadcast depth while I finish your breakfast. We're taking him to see her.

Neo: Him???? Her????

Mouse: You're him.

Neo: Her?

Tank: The Oracle...

Neo: Uh huh... Why the random greekness...

Tank: Wait until you meet Persephone...

Neo: Oh dear.

(later, still in the Neb)

Neo: Uh, why are we all going into the Matrix?

Morpheus: Well, I'm escorting you, Trinity is going to drive, it would have been Cypher but he's missing, Switch and Apoc are going to stand at the entrance of the Hotel, and Mouse will be up in the room looking at Porno.

Mouse: You didn't have to tell him that.

Morpheus: Well, we all know that.

Mouse: He didn't, not until you told him!

We interrupt this broadcast for an important announcement: OH CRAP! DAMN IT! Killing off Cypher saves Apoc and Switch, which is good, but what about Mouse? Gah! He's the one I'm trying to save in the first place! Dah! Urgh! Hmmmm... *think think* Ah well, I'll think of something...

Morpheus: Oh well...

Apoc: It's nothing to be ashamed of! *Neo, Tank, Dozer and Morpheus nod*

Switch, Trinity and Mouse: EEEEEWWWW! I did NOT need to know that! *shudder*

Apoc, Neo, Tank, Dozer, Morpheus: *heh*

Switch: Um, let's just get in, shall we?

Morpheus: Uh, yeah... Let's...

(In the Matrix, the Hotel to be specific. Everyone now looks cool)

Neo: Wow, we all look cool again... *looks around* Except for...

Apoc: Mouse?

Neo: Actually, no. He looks cool too.

Mouse: Awww! Thanks! Like my shirt?

Neo: If anyone had told me that people wore bone shirts with suits, I would have thought it would look weird, but actually in person it looks cool.

(A/N: Oh, it's true. I would know-I dressed as Mouse for the opening of Reloaded. Now THAT was fun!)

Mouse: I think so. Unlike SOME people.

Apoc: If it's not Mouse, what is it?

Neo: This Hotel SUCKS!

Morpheus: Yeah, well... So shoot me... *everyone pulls out guns (except Neo) and aim them at Morpheus* I - MEANT - THAT - AS - AN - EXPRESSION! PUT THOSE AWAY, NOW!!! *everyone sighs and put all their many, many guns away*

Another interruption: I have it! I know how to save Mouse! YEAH! Oh, but you don't get to find out, not yet anyway.

Morpheus: Everyone, to your stations! *only Mouse moves, to sit down in one of those Crap leather chairs. He looks at them expectantly* Oh right... Only he's staying here... Oh well, everyone (but Mouse) come with me! *they all (but Mouse) follow him outside. Switch and Apoc pull out guns and lean against the door frame, doing nothing but look cool. The others get into a cool car sitting nearby* We'll be back in an hour or so.

Apoc and Switch: *look at each other longingly* Bye-bye now! Take your time! *As soon as the car disappears they do too...*

(Car)

Neo: Really good noodles...

Trinity: Huh?

Morpheus: Please! Concentrate! On! Road!

Trinity: Oh, it's ok! Relax! *swerves to avoid old man*

Morpheus: I'm going to shut my eyes now. Tell me when we get there!

Trinity: So, what about noodles?

Neo: Well, a couple miles back by now, there was a Chinese restaurant that made really good noodles. But they aren't real... What does that mean?

Trinity: There are no noodles?

Morpheus: *in annoying "teacher voice"* VE-ry gooood, Trinity!

Trinity: *in little girl voice* Tha-thank you Mr. Morpheus!

Neo: Oh. Dear. Sooooo, what is this "Oracle" thing?

Trinity: Because we're all so dense, she's the one who always tells us what to do. We obey her.

Neo: Oh. Ok. Did you go to her?

Trinity: Yeah, everyone does.

Neo: What did she say?

Trinity: That I would meet a weird guy named Mouse.

Neo: Is that all?

Trinity: Maaaaaybe...

Neo: Fine. Don't tell me.

Trinity: I won't. Oh, Morpheus! We're here! You can open your eyes now.

Morpheus: ghaefhlaj...

Trinity: LOL

(In crappy elevator of crappy apartment building)

Neo: Uh... don't Oracles usually, oh, I dunno... Work in nice, pretty TEMPLES???? Not in crappy, ugly APARTMENTS????

Morpheus: Usually. Not always.

Neo: That. Sucks.

Morpheus: Well live with it!

Neo: Anyway, this is the same really, really old chick who made that prophecy type thing in which I'm a dead guy?

Morpheus: *sigh* you're so crude...

Neo: Oooh, crude, am I? I'll have you know...

Morpheus: We're here. Just.... get out of the elevator... *Neo sweeps away, very elegantly. Morpheus sighs and follows him* Walk through the door, Neo.

Neo: Why?

Morpheus: Because there are cookies waiting for you through that door...

Neo: Oh boy! Cookies! *runs through the door, almost hitting the priestess person*

(In the Oracle's entrance)

Priestess person: *gasp* Neo! You're - uh - on time... You scared the Bejeezus out of me!

Neo: Um, sure... What exactly ARE bejeezus?

Priestess: Well, I'll never find out now that they're gone!

Neo: Umm... well if you didn't know what they were you can't miss them much...

Priestess: I've never seen my kidneys either but I bet I'd miss them!

Neo: Kidneys appear to be harder to get rid of than bejeezus, though.

Priestess: I give up...

Neo: Winnah! (go to: http://www.etonline.com/celebrity/a15728.htm )

Priestess: Morpheus, make yourself at home... *he begins searching for a knife in order to slash the chairs so they resemble those on the Neb* Not that much at home... I meant, sit on the couch.

Morpheus: Why didn't you just say so in the first place?

Priestess: I don't know... I suppose that no one has ever tried to SLASH THE COUCH before... Neo, come with me...

Neo: Okay... *whimper*

Priestess: You can wait here with the other potentials.

Neo: Potential whats? *she ignores him* Hey look! Little brown rabbits on TV... Weird. I've had quite enough of Rabbits, thanks... *all the potentials stare at him* Um, hi? *they all look away, except for the spoon kid*

Spoon Kid: Do not try and bend the spoon.

Neo: Why?

Spoon Kid: Two reasons: a) the Oracle hates it when I bend her cutlery, and b) it's impossible.

Neo: Then why bother?

Spoon Kid: Watch... *bends the spoon he's holding with his mind*

Neo: That's a neat trick...

Spoon Kid: Instead, only try to realize the truth.

Neo: Um, what truth are we talking about again?

Spoon Kid: There is no spoon...

Neo: Yes there is! It's right there!

Spoon kid: It's not real. Once you realize that, you'll see it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself... *Neo begins contorting, trying to bend the spoon by bending himself. Surprisingly, it works*

Priestess: Neo, the Oracle will see you now... You can stop contorting... *to spoon kid* HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU - LEAVE THE BLOODY SPOONS ALONE!

SK: But there is no spoon... *Neo makes his escape into a little room with a beaded curtain*

(Inside little room with beaded curtain)

Neo: Phew... safe...

Woman sitting by oven: Hello, Neo.

Neo: AAHHH! How is it that EVERYONE knows my name???!!!

Woman: Because I'm the Oracle. I'm supposed to know.

Neo: Oh. Ok.

Oracle: Break that vase.

Neo: Huh? What - *he turns and breaks the vase*

Oracle: Good.

Neo: Uh... What was that about?

Oracle: I'm seeing how many times I can break and fix that vase, and how many people I can get to break it.

Neo: Oh. Riiiight... you do that, then.

Oracle: Soooo... *pulls out script* right! Now, I'm supposed to say "Umm, that's interesting, but...," then you say...

Neo: But what?

Oracle: Exactly.

Mouse: You know, if you're the Oracle, how come you didn't see Cypher's betrayal or my death or anything, in the regular Matrix?

Oracle: Hush, you! Go back to looking at your poster!

Mouse: Okay! *runs off*

Oracle: Uh... ignore him...

Neo: Suuuuure...

Oracle: Anyway, when you say, "But what?" I'm supposed to say "But you already know what I'm going to say."

Neo: Why can't you just tell me these things instead of hinting at them and making me say them?

Oracle: Because it's my job.

Neo: Oh. Well then. You're going to say, (except you're not, because I am) "You're not the One."

Oracle: Exactly.

Neo: But... but...

Oracle: But what?

Neo: Than why does Morpheus think I am.

Oracle: Hasn't anyone told you?

Neo: Uh... told me what?

Oracle: Neo, Morpheus is delusional. Why do you think he has such a collection of, uh, 'interesting people' on his ship?

Neo: I have no idea.

Oracle: Neo, he's thought, at one time or another, that they were all the One. Especially Mouse. He was real sure about Mouse.

Neo: Oh. Ok. Does that mean I'm not special?

Oracle: No. You have it in you, but it's like you're waiting for something.

Mouse: If you people have reincarnation, why wasn't I reincarnated for Reloaded?

Oracle: You were. You were that annoying kid?

Mouse: *as he runs away* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *gasp* AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Oracle: That's better. Now, what were we talking about?

Neo: Uh... that I'm waiting for something?

Oracle: Oh yes.

Neo: What am I waiting for?

Oracle: Who knows? Another life, maybe?

Neo: Oh, that's what he was talking about... Shouldn't you know these things?

Oracle: What do you think, I'm some kind of Oracle?

Neo: Uh, ya...

Oracle: Oh. Well, I hate to disappoint you.

Neo: Oh, go away...

Oracle: No, this is my house. YOU go away... but first... *very, very fast* Neo,MorpheusbelivesyouaretheOne.Hebelievesthissoblindly...

Neo: That he's blind?

Oracle: Thathe'sgoingtosacrificehislifetosaveyours.

Neo: But that's stupid...

Oracle: Stupid or not, you're gonna have to choose.

Neo: Choose what?

Oracle: Choose between his life and yours.

Neo: Well that's a crap choice!

Oracle: *with a devious little grin* Isn't he, though?

Neo: Urgh. Can I go now?

Oracle: Have a cookie.

Neo: Uh... sure... *takes cookie* NOW can I go?

Oracle: Please do.

(In the entrance, where Morpheus is waiting)

Morpheus: What she told you is for you, and you alone. So tell me everything!

Neo: *looks at him oddly* umm... *smells cookie* Morpheus, does she drug the cookies?

Morpheus: Well, the only one who has ever eaten his is Mouse, and he got pretty weird for a while.... until Apoc gave him some Valium... and Apoc ran a drug test on his.

Neo: And?

Morpheus: You don't want to know.... Just eat it.

Neo: Ok. *shoves it all in his mouth*

(Neb)

Tank: *To Mouse* They're on their way. I would suggest putting that away, now.

(hotel)

Mouse: Ok.

(Neb)

Tank: Oh. Shit. What is that?

(Hotel)

Mouse: Anything I should know about?

(Neb)

Tank: Go to the window.

(Hotel)

Mouse: Why? Is this some kind of weird Shakespeare reenactment?

(Neb)

Tank: Oh, I wish... Just do it...

(Hotel)

Mouse: Ok. *goes to the window. Bricks are over it* Hey, that's no problem! I have this huge gun that someone unwisely gave me! I'll shoot them out! *gets possessed look in eyes as he unpacks the gun and begins shooting the bricks. Through all the noise, he doesn't hear the door open behind him. A flood of soldiers enters and shoot him in the back*

Soldiers: DIEDIEDIE!

Mouse: AAGGHHH! *he falls, apparently dead*

Mouse fans: AAGGHHH! *they fall, apparently dead*

Soldiers: Ha-HA! *they run out, looking for more people to kill*

(On the stairs of the hotel) *Morpheus, Trinity and Neo have since driven up and collected Apoc and Switch and are now starting up the stairs. Apoc has given Neo a gun. He is now pointing it at every corner, shouting "BANG BANG!" He's making so much noise that they don't hear the guns from above. He stops 'shooting' long enough to note something*

Neo: Woah...

Trinity: Please stop saying that. Or I'll loose Switch on you. *Switch gets a diabolical look*

Neo: Um... sorry... Just a little Deja Vu. *they all stop and stare at him*

Switch: Huh?

Apoc: He's delusional. Ignore him. *they all keep walking up the stairs, right into the room with Mouse's dead body. Fortunately for them, the soldiers are all off wandering around looking for people to kill*

Switch: Oh my god! They killed Mouse!

Mouse: *jumps up*

Mouse fans: *jump up*

Switch: AAAAHHHH! IT'S ALIIIIIIIIVE!

Mouse: Uh... Yeaaaah...

Switch: But you're dead!

Mouse: Do I LOOK dead?

Switch: Noooo... But...

Mouse: *starts taking off pants*

Switch: AHHHHH! Mouse! Pants - go - on!

Mouse: I'm showing you my bullet-proof underwear. *Apoc starts humming commercial-y music in the background* Iiiiiiiiii'ts..... A LIFESAVER! Remember kids, I, a nearly completely pointless side character, never leave home without it. *as soon as the others stop shuddering, they look at him disgustedly* *heh* sorry... *puts pants back on*

Switch: THANK-you!

Mouse: Oh, you're very welcome.

Apoc: Pardon my French, but let's get the HELL out of here... Those soldiers might actually get their act together.

Morpheus: Yes. Let's all crawl into that hole in the bathroom. They'll never find us there.

(a few minutes later)

Especially Smart Soldier: Well, they're no where else. Maybe they're in that gaping hole in the wall?

Soldier #346: No. I bet they're hiding behind that chair.

E.S.S: GAH! *starts shooting wall in frustration*

Rebels: AHHHHHH!!!

Agent Elrond: Ooooh! Could that have been an 'Ahhhhhh' I heard from that gaping hole in the wall? *takes over E.S.S's body*

Soldier #346: Ah ha! It doesn't pay to be - *cut off as Agent Jones takes over his body and starts making him tap dance down the stairs*

Agent Elrond: *reaches into wall* and the winner is...

Neo: *who has been grabbed by Agent Elrond* AHHHHHHH!

Morpheus: Neo!

Neo: Morpheus!

Morpheus: AAGGHHH! *jumps through wall*

Morpheus Fan: (no, not fans) AAGGHHH! *attempts to jump through wall*

Friends of Morpheus Fan: tut tut. Can you stop doing that so we can keep watching?

Morpheus Fan: Ok.

Agent Elrond: *tosses Neo back* You're the one I wanted, anyway... *evil little 'come hither' look*

Morpheus: AHHHHH!

Margarita: RAPE! RAPE! (A/N: I would do a supplementary chapter for this, but I can never remember the 'why' [damn Mero] so you know about as much as I do. Except you don't know Margarita...)

Agent Elrond: You're coming with me!

Morpheus: *too disturbed to fight back* Ok...

(Neb)

Tank: NOOOOOO! DADDY!!!!!

Trinity: *listening through cell phone* Um... is there something you're not telling us?

Tank: *heh* No... I don't know where that came from...

Trinity: Ok... would you mind getting us an exit?

Tank: Get your own! I'm grieving, here!

Mouse: Uh, why? Morpheus isn't dead...

Tank: Shut up!

Mouse: No.

Apoc: Shut up!

Mouse: *meekly* 'k...

Switch: Thanks.

Apoc: Don't mention it.

*several hours later*

Neo: Hey! Look! There's a phone in there!

Others: WHERE?!

Neo: In that TV shop we've been standing next to for the last hour

Trinity: Hey, what do ya know? *they all go into the shop*

(Meanwhile, on the Neb)

Dozer: You know, you've been Tank long enough! I wanna be Tank! You get all the attention, and I was Tank originally!

Tank: Er, ya... Sorry, but I am Tank, and always have been Tank, and will remain Tank.

Dozer: That's why you should let ME be Tank!

Tank: Go away!

Dozer: No!

Tank: *backs away an accidentally unplugs Apoc* Ye-ooooops... *tries to plug him back in*

Dozer: It's too late, DOZER! He's DEAD!

Tank: Why are you talking to yourself, Dozer?

Dozer: I'm not, I'm talking to you, Dozer.

(See supplementary chapter 'D')

(Meanwhile, in the repair shop)

Switch: APOC! *runs over to him*

Neo: *holding the phone* Um, Trinity? It just went dead...

Trinity: AGH! W.T.F?!

Neo: *heh* it wasn't me...

Switch: APOC!

Mouse: Well waddayaknow? He's dead... *starts dancing and playing air piano* Yeah he's dead yeah he's dead yeah he's dead!

(See supplementary chapter 'E')

Switch: NOOOOOO! APOC!

Mouse: Stop saying that! *they begin wrestling in the background*

(Cell phone)

Trinity: Hello? Tank?

Tank + Dozer: Yes?

Trinity: Um, just Tank, Dozer.

Tank + Dozer: It IS just me!

Trinity: Whatever... What happened? Why did the phone go dead and Apoc die?

Tank: Ummmm... The phone went dead 'cause I unplugged it on this end...

Switch: *breaks free of Mouse and grabs phone* And Apoc?

Tank: Oh ya, you like him, don't you?

Switch: AGH YOU KILLED HIM!!!! *starts beating phone*

Trinity: Switch! Leave the phone alone or I'll switch you!

Switch: *grumbles* What - happened - to - APOC?!

Tank: Ah yes, that... It was... Cypher's ghost...

Dozer: LIER! He killed him! Murderer!

Tank: Oh Yeah?! *grabs handy, large electrogun thing and calmly shoots Dozer* As I said, it was Cypher's ghost.

Switch: *who still has the phone* Um, what was that noise?

Tank: His ghost killed Dozer! *fake sobbing*

Switch: Please, just get us out of here...

Tank: Ok.

Neo: You first. *to Trinity*

Apoc: Make Mouse go first.

Others: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! *gasp* AHHHHHHHHHH!

Apoc: What? Don't you all feel guilty?

Others: Uh, no... should we?

Apoc: Leaving me to choke on a cracker?

Mouse: But you were dead...

Apoc: Nope.

Mouse: Oh, ok.

Switch: 'POC-EY!

Apoc: *glances around sheepishly* *whispers* How many times have I told you not to call me that?! They might find out about us!

Switch: Oh. That. *heh* well, they already know...

Apoc: WHAT?!

Switch: Well, you were *sniff* dead!

Apoc: *grumbles*

Trinity: Mouse, you go first.

Mouse: Aw, do I have to?

Others: Yep.

Mouse: oh fine... *grumbles* *picks up phone and vanishes*

Trinity: Ok, let's all go.

(Neb)

Tank: What? I thought Apoc was dead?!

Mouse: Apparently not...

(Office)

Agent Elrond: Have you ever just sat and STARED at it? Marveled at it's beauty? It's hugeness?

Morpheus: *eyes tightly shut, shuddering* Ugh no...

Agent Elrond: Stupid rebel, you knew I was talking about my collection of LOTR action figures, didn't you?

Morpheus: *sighs his relief* Ohthankgod...

Agent Elrond: See, here is Legolas. Some people say that he is prettier than me, but we all know that this is a LIE!

Other Agents: Ohgodherehegoesagain...

Agent Elrond: *ignores them* And here's Aragorn. I suppose that he is handsome, in a dirty, uncombed sort of way. And Arwen, my daughter. One of my many, many children...

Morpheus: HEEEELLP! WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME????!!!!

Agent Elrond: I want to talk to you. There's no one around here who will listen to me, but as you're my prisoner...

Morpheus: AAAAAHHHHHHH!

Agent Elrond: And here's Gimli. No one thinks HE'S pretty...

Gimli Fans: Hey! *dragged off by other Agents*

Agent Elrond: Let me rephrase that. No one in their right mind thinks he's pretty. And here's Sam and Merry and Pippin. None of them are any threat to MY supreme prettiness. *other Agents look around for other fans* And Boromir. He's just plain ug-leh! *other agents nod* And, last but absolutely not least, ME! Aren't I pretty?

Morpheus: Uh, you or the model?

A.E: *holding up model* Both of us!

Morpheus: Ohgodsomeonesaveme...

(Neb)

Neo: Uh.... What are they doing to him???

Tank: It appears to be Agent Elrond-Smith's old 'LOTR action figure' torture. Works every time.

Neo: How brutal... What do they want?

Tank: Every captain is given codes to 'Enter the Matrix'. If an Agent got a codes and a copy of the game, they could destroy all our records!

Neo: *sarcastically* Oh no...

Tank: There's only one thing we can do...

Neo: What's that?

Tank: We pull his plug.

Others: WHAT???!!!

Neo: Uh, don't you think that's just a WEE bit drastic for some stupid game codes?

Tank: Not at all. *Apoc nods*

Neo: Oh.dear. *panicking* I'M STUCK ON A SHIP WITH A BUNCH OF MURDERING FREAKS!!!!

Tank: Calm, man! It happens all the time!

Neo: Well, I'm not putting up with it! I'm going in... *randomly, the 'Mission Impossible' theme starts playing. Apoc and Switch start humming along*

Everyone else: Oh.dear.

Neo: Ummmm... anyway...

Trinity: Yeaaah... So, what are you going to do?

Neo: I'm going to... uh... go in...?

Trinity: Then you're gonna need me... *to herself* a lot...

Neo: Okay.

Trinity: Anyone else?

Tank: Uh, I can't... obviously...

Mouse: Ummm... I'm still bruised from being shot... I can hardly move. *limps around*

Apoc: I have, uh, and appointment. With Mouse. *starts chasing Mouse* THAT DISK YOU GAVE ME WAS FAULTY!

Mouse: AHHHHH! *starts running normally*

Switch: *pulls out some popcorn* Oh no, this is waaaay too amusing...

Trinity: Well, guess it's just you and me, Neo...

Neo: Ok. Tank, send us in.

Tank: Ok. I probably won't be seeing you again, considering that he's in a government lobby building (A/N: lol... that's what my friends and I call it... not something that makes sense, like, "Gov. Building lobby". Oh no, it's "government lobby building") with three Agents...

Neo: Hush, you! Don't be such a pessimist...

Trinity: And put us in!

Everyone: *stops whatever they're doing* See ya in hell!

Neo + Trinity: Yup!

(In construct)

Tank's disembodied voice: So what do you need? *to himself* besides a miracle...

Neo: Hey! I heard that!

Tank's voice: So?

Neo: uh.... I dunno.

Tank: Anyway, what do you need? *The Twins randomly appear*

One: Oh! We know! *slowly and clearly, in his wonderful accent* Knives, lots of knives. *shelves of knives appear. One hits Neo and he goes flying*

Neo: Ow.

One: Niiiiice... *wanders over to shelves and starts grabbing knives*

Trinity: Ummm.... who are you people???

Two: We're not people... obviously! Have you ever seen people that look like us? *flicks dreads*

Neo: *gets up* Well, no... but... What are you, then?

Two: *exasperated* We're PROGRAMS!!!! *One continues grabbing knives. His pockets are beginning to overflow*

Neo: Oh. Ok. But why are you here?

Trinity: And how did you get here?

Two: So many questions.... We're here to get knives, and we don't know how we got here... *to One* Alright, that's probably enough! *One tosses his Twin a couple more knives, they phase and disappear*

Neo: That was weird....

Trinity: Yep.

Tank: Ummm... which of you said that? You sounded really weird... and what's with the accent?

Trinity: That wasn't us. It was some weird Twin-things...

Tank: Ok. So, you don't really want knives, lots of knives?

Neo: No, more like, guns, lots of guns...

Tank: 'k. *shelves of guns appear. Trinity tries to jump out of the way, but she jumps right into another one and goes flying*

Trinity: Ow. *gets up* We've gotta work on those stupid shelves...

Neo: *busy grabbing guns* Huh?

Trinity: Oh, nothing...

Neo: Here, have some guns!

(Government lobby building - AKA the government building lobby)

Neo: hehehe... KILLKILLKILL!!!!

Trinity: You're scary... *inches away*

Security guard: Blah blah, welcome to the Government Lobby Building...

Neo: Why is it called that?

Security guard: 'cause that's what it says on that sign.

Neo: There is no sign... *a sign appears* Oh. Signs can be wrong, you know....

Sec. Guard: Didn't your Mother ever tell you to believe everything you read?

Neo: Um. Noooooo... Actually not...

Security guard: *tuts* Ah well, could you please remove all metallic items, blah blah?

Neo: Why do you keep saying blah?

Security guard: I'm not. It's the secret forbidden security guard language.

Neo: Oh. *to Trinity* Triiiinityyyy! He's annooooying! Can I kill him? Pleeeeze??!!

Trinity: Oh, alright. But make it fast!

Neo: Oh goody! *shoots security guard. And all the poles, just for good measure*

(in Army people room)

Especially Smart Soldier: Hmmm... gun shots... maybe we should go look?

Soldier #512: Naw, shut up and move! It's your turn...

ESS: Ok.

(back in the GLB)

Other Security guard: (AN: I can't wait till they're dead... I'm so sick of typing that word...) AHHHH! BACKUP! BACKUP!

(Army people room)

Soldier #213: ummm... there's no where to back up to... this room is too small...

ESS: STUPID SOLDIERS! HE WANTS HELP!!!!!

Soldiers #213 + 512: Woaaah... that makes sense! *they all march off to the GLB*

(GLB)

Neo: DIEDIEDIE!!!!!!!!!

Trinity: *inches away* Yike... *they happily kill all the soldiers, except for the ESS, 'cause he surrendered. He runs away*

Neo: Let's go do that again! *starts shooting the bodies*

Trinity: Let's go now! *drags him, still shooting, into the elevator*

Elevator: *emergency stop. Have a nice day*

Neo + Trin: *blink*

Neo: *sees little ticking bag Trin's carrying* Why, hello little Ticky-bag! How are you today?

Trin: SHUT UP!!! AAHHHHHHH!!!!! *has a total breakdown in the elevator*

*In Agent room*

Agent Elrond: This isn't working... Hmmm... *to Bob and Larry* Leave me with him. Now. *others look at each other and leave*

Morpheus: Now what?

Agent Elrond: *turns on seductive music and lights some candles* Heh heh heh...

Morpheus: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

*some hours later: Elevator*

Neo: *on top of elevator* Trinity? Have you stopped sobbing yet?

Trin: *sniff* yep. Let's arm this thing...

Neo: B-but... TICKY-BAG!!!!!

Trin: Urgh. Neo... *puts arm over his shoulders* Let me explain something to you. 'Ticky-bag' is just that! A FREAKING BAG WITH A BOMB IN IT!!!!!

Neo: But no! Ticky! Ticky's my friend, and, and... YOU HURT HIS FEELINGS!!!!! WAAAAAAHHHH!!! *starts bawling*

*some more hours later: Agent room*

Agent Larry: What were you doing?

Agent Elrond: Oh, nothing much. Just seducing him.

Agent Bob: Oh, that's alright, then. Carry on.

Agent Larry: Shouldn't we tell him about...

Agent Bob: Oh, that? Meh, no need...

Agent Elrond: Something I should know about?

Agent Bob: Not really... Just that some rebels have killed all the soldiers but one and are currently on their way here.

Agent Elrond: Damn.

*Elevator*

Trin: Neo? Can I blow up the elevator yet?

Neo: Well, fine! You may as well blow Ticky up, after insulting him like that!

Trin: Here. Put on this harness and go wait outside...

Neo: *tries to open elevator door* TRIIIIIN!!!! It's not wooooooorking...

Trin: *sigh* The. Top. Of. The. Elevator.

Neo: Ooooooh... Okay! *climbs on top of elevator*

Trin: *arms bomb* Stupid elevator...

Elevator: *I see that you are arming a bomb. Have a nice day!*

Trin: Mumble mumble mumble... Ok Neo, hold onto me!

Neo: Okay! There is no spoon...

Trin: Huh?

Neo: Nothing. Let's go. *they fly up the elevator shaft* Wheeeeeeeee!!!!!

Trin: *sigh*

Agent Elrond: Uh... You guys find them. I have to pack my...

Agent Larry Jones: *whispering a little too loudly* dolls.

Agent Elrond: I.heard.that. I'll have you know *sulks* they're ACTION FIGURES!!!!!

Agent Bob Brown: Whatever. *they leave* *Elrond begins to pack*

(On the roof)

Soldier #912: *gets up from sunbathing* awww... guys, think we have to move...

Soldier #746: Naw... I say we ignore them...

Overeager helicopter pilot: GET UP!!!!! GET UP AND KIIIIIIILL THEM!!!!!

Soldier #613: Oh fine. *they lazily get up and go after Trin and Neo*

Neo: *shove* *shove* *shove*

Soldiers #912, #746, #613: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaahhhhhh... *splork*

Trinity: Ewwww...

OHP: Eeeew..... I'm outta here... *takes off, abandoning helicopter*

Neo: Cool! Heeeeliiicopter... Can we can we can we????

Trinity: What? Make sense? Apparently not...

Neo: No!!!! Can we fly? In the helicopter? Up to get Morpheus???

Trinity: ooooooh... I suppose... *to Tank* Tank, I need a pilot program for a V-212 Helicopter.

Tank: Waiiiiit... Just let me finish the level... JUMP!!! JUMP DAMN YOU JUMP!!!! ATAAAAAAACK!!!!!!

Neo: Uh... what's he playing?

Trinity: Pokemon. He's obsessed...

Neo: Ah.

Tank: Uh... *heh* what was it you wanted, again?

Trinity: Pilot. Helicopter. 212. Program... *seethes*

Tank: Oh ya. Here ya go!

Trinity: *eyes twitch eerily*

Neo: Why did you take off your glasses and make me see that?

Trinity: You just answered your own question.

Neo: *tries to figure that out* Huh???

Trinity: Get in the helicopter.

Neo: YAY!!!! I'M GOING FOR A HELICOPTER RIDE!!!! WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Trinity: *blink*

Neo: A HELICOPTER WITH A BIG, SHINY GUN!!!!!!

Trinity: Oh dear... a helicopter ride with a nut with a 'big, shiny gun'...

Agent Headquarters:

*Bob and Larry return*

Agent Brown: Ummm... you might want to look out that window...

Agent Elrond: *sniff* you hurt my feelings... I'm not doing ANYTHING you say...

Agent Jones: Oh, you REALLY wanna see this... *stares at helicopter coming closer*

Agent Elrond: You can't fool me. I'm ignoring you. SO, ARAGORN!?

Agents Brown + Jones: AAAAAAAHHHHH!!! *get shot*

Agent Elrond: Don't be stupid... all those shooting noises and death sounds can't.... uh... *looks up* AAAAAH!!!!! *gets shot*

Helicopter:

Trinity: how did you manage to not hit Morpheus???!!!!

Neo: Huh? He's in there? *pant pant* LET'S DO THAT AGAIN!!!!

Trinity: Oooookay... that was, uh, lucky...

In building:

Morpheus: Ah, they're just wrists. Never use them anyway... THERE IS NO CHAIN!!!!! *breaks chain*

Helicopter:

Neo: YAY!!!!

Trinity: He's gonna fall, grab him!

Neo: Noooooooo!!!!!! *slow mo dive*

Morpheus: AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

Neo: *heh* whooooops... *just barely grabs Morpheus' hand*

Morpheus: *breathes heavily*

Trinity: hmmm... I like that building over there... no, it's to shiny... Oh, that one's pretty... but a little too square...

Agents: *shoot shoot*

Helicopter: I'M BLEEEEEEEEDING!!!!!!

Trinity: It's fuel, you idiot. Now hush, I need to concentrate... That one's to glassy...

Helicopter: I'M BLEEEEEEEEDING!!!!!!

Neo: Just PICK one already! Ooops... Dropped Morpheus...

Morpheus: Good thing this roof was here...

Neo: Ooops... falling...

Trinity: Ummmm... I guess that one will do... Uh oh... the helicopter'sgoing down...

Helicopter: I TOLD you I was BLEEEEEEEEDING!!!!

Trinity: Oh.shut.up... *shoots rope* Neo, I hope you're up there.

On roof:

Morpheus: NEO!!

Neo: MORPHEUS!!!!!

Morpheus: *sigh* Trinity!

Neo: uh, SWITCH!

Morpheus: You know, I'm not just calling out random names, here.

Neo: Really? Could've fooled me...

Morpheus: Go.save.Trinity!!!!!

Neo: Jeez... no need to YELL at me... could've said so in the first place... *runs off, just in time to save Trin-trin* *cheesy heroic grin*

Trinity: Oh Neo! You have SAVED me!

Neo: No trouble at all!

Trinity: *smooch*

Morpheus: *ahem*

Neo: eeeeeeewwww!!! Cooooooties!!!!

Trin: *glare*

Morpheus: Tank?

Tank: PIKACHU!!! I CHOOSE YOU!!!! ...did you say something of importance?

Morpheus: Yes. Yes I did...

Tank: Ok. What do you want?

Morpheus: An exit...

Tank: Ok. Get off the roof, go left, then right, then right, then left, then...

Morpheus: How about a street? How does that sound?

Tank: FINE! DON'T be creative! BE mediocre...

Morpheus: *warningly* TaaaAAAaaaaank...

Tank: Wabash and Lake. It's a subway station. Happy?

Morpheus: Yeeeeeezzz...

Agent Elrond: *strangle strangle*

Harness: *gasp* What did I...ever do... to... you?... *dies*

A.E: AH HAH HAH!!!

Other agents: *blink*

A.E.: Let's go...

Subway station:

Neo: eeeewwww.... dirt...

Trinity: Hurry up...

Phone: *ring ring*

Morpheus: *skips over* Neeeeeeooo... It's for y-*gets sucked in*

Neo + Trin: *blink* that was odd...

A.E: sure, NOW the serum works...

Neo: Did you hear something?

Trinity: No... Neo... there's... *scuffs foot* something I wanna tell you...

Neo: Oooh! Peanuts! *eats peanuts off floor* You were saying?

Trin: *oblivious* Uh, well, you see... *runs over to phone* g'bye!

Neo: That was...

A.E.:*shoot*

Phone: OOOOOOOOoooooow-

Neo: AAAAHHH!!!!

Agent Elrond: Let's fight!

Neo's feet: Let's run!

Neo: Ok!

Feet: *sigh*

A.E: *kick punch kick kick punch*

Neo: *punch punch punch kick kick*

A.E: Gotcha!!!!! *drag drag*

Neo: No!!!! Not the TRACKS!!!! *utter silence* *heh*

Agent Elrond: Are you QUITE done, Mr. Anderson.

Neo: Uh. I hope not... *frantic leap*

Agent Elrond: I was afraid of-*splat*

Neo: AH HAH HAH HAH!!!! I TRIUMPH!!!! *starts running* *hears a noise* Stupidly, I will stop and turn around instead of running...

Agent Elrond: Miss me?

Neo: Funny as it may sound, no... *run run run*

Chinese Market:

Neo: Ooooh! That watermelon is on sa-

Watermelon: Jeez!

Little Girl: Mo-Daddy, what big guns you have!

Agent: All the better to shoot that irritating little man with, my dear. Bye now! Supper's at 7! *to himself* Now why did I say that???

Little Girl: *blink*

Neo: Uh, little help!

Tank: DOOOOOOR!!!!

Neo: Oh, wow! Didn't see that...

Tank: *sigh*

Neo: AH OLD LADY!!!! AH KNIFE!!!!!! AAAAHHHH OLD LADY AGENT WITH KNIFE!!!!

Old Lady: ...

Heart o' the City:

Tank: Fire escape at the end of the alley...

Neo: I see it I see it!

Tank: With you, one never knows... Room 303...

Neo: That's enough out of YOU! *tosses phone* *run run run*

Agent Elrond: Why look! It's me!

Neo: Oh.crap.

Agent Elrond: *shoot shoot*

Neo: *dies*

Nebuchadnezzer:

Trinity Morpheus and Tank: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Trinity: Not like this, not like this...

Morpheus: Get OFF him, he's DEAD!!!!

Tank: Whuh-oh... Squiddies...

Morpheus: Fire the EMP...

Trinity: But Neo!

Morpheus: He's DEAD stop raping his corpse you nacrophile!

Trinity: How do you know it's rape?

Morpheus: I say so and I out rank you, so there....

Neo: Hmmm... I feel as if I've been mostly dead all day.

Inigo: *cool Spanish accent* Why, ah believe you haaave....

Fezzik: Can I kill those Agents now?

Neo: Who the HELL are you?

Inigo: Only SAVING you!

Neo: Oh. Ok. Go on, then. *picks up the phone to random screams*

Neb.:

EMP: *zap zap*

Neo, Morpheus, Trinity: YES!!!!

Tank: *randomlly dies*

The Matrix:

*cool Music*

Neo: *humming* Oh, bye people!!!!

*phew* That was a WAY bigger undertaking than I thought... IT'S DONE!!!! I DID IT! I TRIUMPHED!!!!! Well, it's been a long ride. I hope you all enjoyed it! See you soon! Oh, and unless I get some SERIOUS reviews (100+) I don't think I'll be doing a Reloaded... it's sooooo much time... and I don't have (many) ideas... We'll see. After all, the summer is long!