"Levi its over."
The rain was pouring down on me, the cool feeling of the water washing away the warm stickiness of the blood. I knew they were standing behind me. When were they not? Erwin would probably give me a knowing look and help me shrug it off. Hanji would want to know everything that I was thinking. She was always nosy like that. I had always prefered Erwin's approach. He knew that I wasn't one for these shitty things called emotions. He knew that if I were to break down neither of them would ever know about it, and maybe thats why the tears falling down my face told me something.
"Is it Erwin?"
Though my insides were twisted my voice remained calm. I wasn't going to let them read me. I wasn't going to explain to them what I was feeling. Not to Erwin. I had no obligations to him. He was the bastard that got me into this mess in the first place. He was the bastard that I wanted to kill and somehow even that had faded into background noise. I may have owed it to Hanji. She was something of a friend to me. She put up with my attitude; she cared enough to ask me what was wrong (even if she never did get a straight answer.) The sinking feeling that was burning a hole in my stomach was shoved away and replaced with what I had always known to be there. Right in the pit of my stomach, nothing. The emptiness was back...maybe it was for the best.
"Levi, none of them are left."
I knew it was true. I didn't care. My blade was stuck in the last one. The one I had cared about.
"SHUT UP!" I screamed. I hadn't meant for this to happen. This hadn't been the way it was supposed to go.
Where was the brat? He was supposed to be with me. He was supposed to have been standing here next to me, a smile, a real smile blossoming over his face when he realized that the fight was over and humanity had won. That the vile things, the things we both desperately needed to kill, were decimated.
My entire body was drenched now, but what did it matter?
"Levi!" The voice seemed far off; I knew it was Hanji's. The harsh footsteps sounded closer by the second, but I knew they wouldn't reach me in time.
"LEVI!" There was something cool in my hand, the most familiar thing my hand had felt. It was almost sad.
Almost.
I had helped paint the scenery red. The fleshy tones of the titans were still steaming, their immense bodies melting into the pavement. Red seemed like it was the only color. The sky had even seemed to dress up for the occasion, or maybe that was just me. Maybe I had just seen too much and now it would forever taunt me.
I helped paint myself red. Falling back into the pavement without any feeling of regret. I was no longer needed in this cruel world and both Erwin and I knew that. And maybe thats why I only felt Hanji's arms when I fell into the world of nothing.
I helped paint him red. And that's why I welcomed what I deserved.
There was something unnerving about waking up and not knowing where you are. Besides the obvious that is.
It was a small room, only enough space for a bed, side table and a small desk. The curtains on the window were closed, but I knew it was still dark out. However the lamp on the desk was on and a person was sitting in the chair.
Dr. Zoe, or Hanji, as she always made me call her was looking worriedly at me. It wasn't that fake crap that most of the people here gave me.
I supposed this meant I remembered where I was, not that I was thrilled about it.
"Are you okay?" She asked me. Well that was a loaded question.
I could say no, cry a bit and explain to her how I was having memories of my past life...but that was what had got me in here in the first place. The alternative would be to snap at her like I always did, telling her that I was fine and wanted out of this shit hole called a hospital, and that's exactly what I decided on.
Her face went from worry to her usual fake smile. Once I had been convinced it was real, but that had dropped from my mind ages ago. She left the room, knowing that I wasn't willing to talk to her (and likely never would be) and closed the door softly behind her.
She hadn't changed in this life. She was still obsessive and extraordinarily cheery about everything. The only real difference was that now she obsessed over mental illness instead of titans. To be honest, I was grateful she didn't remember. She would probably be in here too if she did.
I stayed up the rest of the night, knowing that it was going to be next to impossible for me to fall asleep now. I waited for light to begin to seep in from behind the curtains before I crept into the hall. At the end of it there was a small rec room with a TV, and that was really the only entertaining thing I had to do in this place, at this time in the morning anyway.
I zoned out, and by the time the room came back into focus two more patients and a nurse had entered the room and were watching the movie comfortably. I knew it wouldn't be long now until breakfast time would come and I would once again be forced to socialize.
It wasn't always so bad, but sometimes the other patients got nosy. They were human after all, and seeing how I knew almost everything about them, they thought it was okay to ask everything about me. It didn't work like that. They didn't need to know why I was here. They didn't even stay long enough to make an impression on me. The only one that had been here as long as me was someone called Hanes, and I didn't care to associate with him.
Soon enough I hear us being called to the small dining area. Our portions are controlled because some of the people are here for eating disorders. Sometimes the others swap food or get a bit extra, but I don't get in on that. I stay away from everyone, and they give the same courtesy to me. The food isn't awful like I had expected it to be when I first got here. Everything seemed to be home cooked and few things actually tasted fake. I took a bite of my eggs and sighed It did get tiring having the same few things everyday however. Few things new were ever added to the menu.
I watched all of them eat, some of them were off in the corner eating silently. There was a table in the middle, and they were always source of the noise. The only one I recognized was Jean, a trainee from the 104th. I assumed they were all fallen because the brat had once talked about them. They all shared the same names. They didn't remember though. They were all here for other reasons.
After what seemed like forever, we were all gathered in a room for group therapy. This was almost always the worst part of my day and I made sure every person who ever ran group knew it. They had all stopped asking me to contribute a long time ago, however there was one who hadn't given up yet. Her name was Petra and unfortunately for me she was running group today. I had to actually listen to other's problems. Joy.
I sat down as far away from her as I could get. No one dared sit in the chairs beside me, even though I had never made a big deal out of someone doing it. Petra's eyes were kind, but that didn't mean I was going to trust her. I couldn't even trust Hanji completely. She smiled when everyone sat down, "Hello everyone! I'm Doctor Ral and I'm running group today. So we're going to talk about goal setting today, and then try setting some ourselves. All right?" No one else looked even close to as cheerful as her about setting goals. "They can be long term or short term, just something to think about to help you all make it until tomorrow."
I zoned out after a few minutes of her talking about goals. I didn't care. I had been here long enough that we had talked about them before, I didn't need the speech again. Something caught my ears though. "So I'll start," she looked around at all of us, locking eyes with me. I knew she tried hard so I would pay attention, she always did. "My goal is to go for a run tonight! There's a trail behind my house and this time of the year, the trees are beautiful."
My heart stopped for a split second as the bloodied face of Petra Ral ran through my mind.
Before this, I hadn't remembered much about the expedition through the woods. The female titan stood out clearly in my mind, but the events surrounding it were hazy. I hadn't even remembered Petra's place in my past life. "Levi," I heard. "Let's start with you! Whats a goal you would like to accomplish?"
My original plan was out the window and before I could stop myself I breathed, "I won't let any of them die, never again."
I began to snap out of it when I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Hanji, "I'm going to take him now, sorry Petra." I felt myself being lead out of the room before everything hit me.
They called them my episodes. My remembering bits and pieces of my past sent me into a frozen state, and it didn't matter what the doctors did. Nothing would ever stop them. In the past they had tried shaking me, but apparently that only lead to me acting violently. They had also tried sedation, but that only lead to me into a continuous loop of whatever memory decided to strike. Now they just watched me, and I hated it. I felt like an animal at the zoo, only there for entertainment.
Erd.
Gunter.
Aruo.
Petra.
Their bodies began spilling through my mind. The realization struck me that if I had been there, none of it would have happened. "I'm sorry," I whispered, though I didn't know fully what for. It hurt when memories seeped in. It wasn't like the just appeared, they seemed to be shoved through my skull, a whirlwind of emotions racked my body. I was starting to numb.
I hear my name, but it's far off. It didn't matter anyway, I was too gone to care.
I fought her. I fought the Titan, but I didn't aim to kill. Why didn't I kill her? I could have. The brat was in its mouth...the brat was the reason I hadn't done it. What was his name?
it was annoying that the one who's seemed to screw everything up for me name has completely left my mind.
"I'm sorry," I whisper. The words seem to flow out over and over.
"I'm sorry." Why did the emotions I so easily shrugged off carry so much pain? How could I have been so stiff in my past?
"I'm sorry." Why did I always have to shut it out? I didn't even cry about it when I was alone.
I felt the overwhelming urge to cry now.
Slowly I became aware of what was around me. I was back in my room, Hanji was sitting on a stool next to me. Someone else was speaking to her out of the corner of my eye. My vision is too fuzzy to see them yet, but it sounds like a man's voice. I tried to move, but something was restraining me.
"What the fuck?" I groaned out, wanting to move from this position. I closed my eyes; they still weren't adjusted to the light. I felt the straps loosening and I was free again. Opening my eyes I noticed Hanji hadn't moved and the other person was now in view.
Erwin.
I wanted to curl up, or strangle him. Either would have worked in this situation for me. Before the memory had stopped I remembered one other thing: he had me leave them. I knew it wasn't the entire story. Many of the things Erwin did in my past life looked bad until I unraveled another event. I didn't really care however, they had been my squad. They had been my screwed up family. We had all trusted each other. They shouldn't have trusted me.
The blonde was looking at me but I couldn't read his expression. He wasn't the type of person to let their emotions where the world could see them. Even if he was smiling, to me something about it seemed cold. "Are you back?" It wasn't a worried tone. It was more annoyed, but everything Erwin said to me sounded that way. Maybe I was just special.
"Yeah," I muttered, sitting myself up.
My blood pounded through my skull as I sat up and my hand moved to grip it.
"What happened?" He asked, his face softened a bit. He only did this when he was actually concerned.
I glanced at Hanji. I wouldn't talk about this with her. I didn't trust her. I had started out not trusting Erwin either, but over time he proved to be exactly how I remembered: blunt and to the point. There was no such thing as babying with Erwin Smith, and it made me feel comfortable enough to talk to him.
Erwin smiled at Hanji, "I think Levi and I need to have a private chat. Would you mind leaving?" Hanji knew the drill and left without another word.
The door clicked softly and I crossed my legs, trying to get comfortable on an uncomfortable mattress. "So what did you remember this time?"
Erwin always used the word remember. At the beginning I thought it was something he did to make me feel like he trusted what I had to say, but I didn't care anymore. He could have said hallucinated and I wouldn't have batted an eye. Not that I didn't appreciate the effort. It was nice knowing someone was trying to understand you.
"I remembered my squads death," I muttered, leaving much to be answered.
Erwin seemed to pull a notepad and pen out of no where and began to write. When is first started talking to him, I'd hated that he did that. Now it was a formality that I knew he had to do. Or maybe I was just used to it.
"Can you elaborate?" He asked, glancing up at me from his writing.
I pretended to consider it, "No."
He put his pen down and looked at me, "I just want to help, you know?"
I wanted to scream at him. He wasn't going to be able to help me. I was going to remember things in choppy blocks until I had nothing left to see. I was going to see all the people I'd hurt or killed along the way weather he talked to me or not. I wasn't going to tell him because it was his fault it happened in the first place...but it was also the brats fault.
"Levi?" Erwin questioned, taking note of my hesitation.
"I just remembered them dying, that's all." I responded hastily. Erwin didn't look completely convinced. I didn't care, he didn't need to know about the blame I placed on myself for it. Unfortunately for me, he seemed to know when I was lying to him, I hated that about him. He didn't press it however, and I was grateful.
"So how are you other than that?" Erwin asked, quickly changing the topic. "Are the meds we gave you working?"
I didn't have to speak for him to know the answer. "Erwin you and I both know that meds don't work on me."
He sighed, making another note in his book. "We won't stop trying to help."
"More like messing with my head," I grumbled. He looked at me, concern was evident on his face.
"You think we're messing with your head? I can assure you we aren't-" I had to watch what I said. They had diagnosed me with some form of schizophrenia and everything that could be taken as a paranoid comment was perceived that way by the staff.
I held up my hand, stopping Erwin. "I'm not paranoid. I know you're just doing your job." I wanted him to leave so I could go to sleep, exhaustion was starting to seep in.
He stayed for another hour. I had been making my yawns more and more obvious every time I did it. I hoped he would get the message. He didn't. It wasn't until I actually fell asleep in the middle of one of his sentences that he actually left.
When the police found me in my apartment, it wasn't a good situation. I hadn't slept in days and the only reason anyone actually found me was because my boss had called the cops. I hadn't been into work all week with no explanation. It wasn't like me. My walls were covered in notes and terrible drawings of things my brain was processing. Before this, the memories had been there buzzing in the back of my head, but now they were all evident. They burst their way in and it was all I could do to understand them. I was on the floor, having drunk only a few times and eaten even less. I was passed out from exhaustion, the cops were stunned to say the least.
When I woke up in the hospital they had brought someone in to talk to me. They came four times in the course of two days. The hospital refused to release me.
I found all the questions ridiculous, but I wasn't thinking clearly enough to understand what they were asking about.
I told them I was remembering my past life. That's how I had perceived it, and every fiber in my body agreed with that. They asked my what all the scraps of paper they'd found at my apartment were. I explained to them that I was writing it all down and making a timeline, trying to fill the gaps in my memories. It was dumb of me to say anything. Looking back I feel like an idiot for tailing about it.
I blame medicine for making me loopy.
On the third day of my hospital stay it was obvious that I was fine. I demanded I was released but a doctor came in. Erwin Smith. He told me that they wanted to put me into a mental ward.
And for my third failure in two weeks, I agreed. I wanted to know why Erwin was acting like he didn't know me. I demanded an explanation from him everyday for a week. His response was always the same.
"We've never met. That's why I don't remember you."
Something about the way he said it seemed off. I knew there was something else there, but I would never be able to get him to tell me.
It wasn't long after I'd accepted he didn't remember. Once again this man had sucked me into a situation that I had no desire to be in, and now I was stuck in this awful place.
Fuck Erwin.
he next few days went by in a blur. I was left alone for the most parts save attending group therapy. I didn't pay attention, and the doctors didn't try and talk to me. I was walking down the hall to my room, not wanting to bother with dull socialization until he heard footsteps coming from behind him. "Levi,~" a voice song.
It was Hanji. I walked faster. I knew it was pointless because she had the key to my room, but I really didn't want to talk to her.
"Don't speed up!" she jogged to catch up to me. I sighed knowing she had caught me. "What do you want shitty glasses?"
She looked offended,"My glasses are very nice thank you very much." I rolled my eyes, making it to my door. She followed me in.
"Did you want something?" I snapped at her. I really didn't feel like talking to anyone.
"I just noticed you've been more antisocial than normal. Is something wrong?" Her playful demeanor turned serious with the blink of an eye. I hated how she could do that.
To be honest, nothing was wrong. I just missed the freedom to have food in the middle of the night. I missed a lot of trivial things, and I missed not having to talk to people most of all. "I'm fine." I went to sit down at my desk, pulling out a marker. I had snuck one, Hanji wouldn't do anything about it though. I pulled out a scrap of paper and started to sketch.
She watched me for a while, sighing. "I don't think that's true, you know." She muttered.
I didn't care, and I voiced that. "You aren't my therapist. You aren't required to figure me out."
"That doesn't mean I don't care Levi!"
"But that doesn't mean you should! If you want to care about me do it silently!" I hissed. Because if I got close to you again and lost you, I couldn't live with myself.
"This is just like last time!" She screamed.
I stopped what I was doing. Did she just...no. She must have meant last time they talked. I was just jumping to conclusions. I tried to snap out of it and respond, but a memory triggered.
"Levi I care. Please! Just tell me what you're going to do!" Hanji begged. My maneuver gear was strapped on and i was standing at the window. Her arm grabbed mine and yanked me back. I growled at her, pulling it close.
"I'm going to go kill them Hanji, now let me go before I see you as getting in my way."
"Levi!" She gasped, stepping back. I didn't think she was honestly surprised. I had gone outside by myself before, but she had never know for sure. Now I had finally said it.
"You can't just kill through your rage! This is just like last time-"
I whipped back to reality, my memory fading fast.
"Levi!" There were arms shaking me.
I slowly opened my eyes, "Hanji please. Tell me the truth. You remember right?" I sounded broken. I cared. I hated caring.
"Remember what?"
My heart dropped to my feet. "N-nothing."
"I'm going to get Erwin." She looked at me pitifully. I didn't need her pity. I needed her to remember. I needed her to know how much pain it was really causing me...but she never would know. I needed to stop wishing, it was going to get me no where. Especially in here. She left the room and I went to lay on the bed. I needed to leave this place. I needed to grieve in peace. I couldn't take it locked in here anymore. Why couldn't they all just leave me alone? There was a knock, seeming seconds after.
"Levi?"
I stayed silent. I felt like screaming.
I heard a click and footsteps, I didn't bother looking. It was obviously Erwin. "I heard about what happened."
"That was fast," I said monotonously. Leave me alone.
"Did she really set you off that much?" I heard him sit down next to me, pulling the chair from my desk.
No. "Yes." I deadpanned. He wasn't pleased.
"Levi, you need to learn to tolerate people…"
"Why her?" I looked over at him, my walls going down. "You know I've told you about her Erwin. She was my best friend in my past life. I can't do this!" I flipped onto my stomach, needing to be alone. "I hurt her so much." Guilt was rising within me, threatening to overflow. I felt a tear dampen a small set on my pillow. I was glad I decided to turn on my stomach.
"This Hanji isn't from your past life. She just cares about you and wants to see you better." He paused, I could feel his eyes on me. After a moment he continued, "And so do I."
Erwin wants to see me better. The idea to me was almost laughable. He had put me in here. If I wanted to be better, I wouldn't be in here. It was as simple as that. I rose my head, eyes hardening even though the tears continued to fall. I needed to look him in the face when I told him. "I hate you Erwin Smith."
His face was like stone, unwavering in his expression. Slowly, wordlessly, he got up, pushed in his chair, and left the room.
I had wanted a reaction and gotten what I was expecting. Nothing. Because the Erwin Smith I knew didn't care.
Thanks for making it to the end of this chapter. This is my first multichapter AOT/SNK fanfic so any feedback would be really appreciated!
I know its a bit choppy and hard to follow, and I know that Levi's thoughts on people may seem all over the place. It gets explained "sort of" later. Some of its confusing and I get that. -if its not really that confusing and you're wondering if you're supposed to be you're probably not, this is just me being paranoid.-
I would love to update this weekly, sometimes that won't be an option though because life. But it should have some sort of schedule for updates..probably.
Also Eren shows up in the next chapter!~