Guys, I feel bad for Ari. The poor guy was ignored, neglected, turn into a man eating wolf, sent to kill his "love", killed, brought back to life by his horrible father, finally found happiness, then he died…again. See what I mean! POOR LITTLE BOY! So, he gets his own fanfiction story, centered around his horrible life. WARNING: PARODY ALERT Don't say I didn't warn ya.
Me: I need a disclaimer…or I'll get sued!
Ari: You made my life sound so horrible!
Me: Well, it is…
Ari: Don't make me eat your face…
Me: See what I mean! Your life is soo horrible, that you resorted to cannibalism!
Ari: *sigh/growls*
Me: .GOD! Your life is so horrible, that your sighs turned into horrible growls! Which conveniently corresponds with your life.
Ari: Oh, ha-ha. Your so witty. This story will be so shitty.
Me: He-he, that rhymes. .GOD! Now you're a depressed poet!
Ari: I'm going to go kill myself…*goes to get shotgun that was located in his night side table.*
Me: See, he's gonna need therapy because of his horrible life!
Ari: *puts gun in mouth*
Me: 0_o dear god! BRB! I gotta go save a cannibal wolf man! I don't own Ari, or Maximum Ride! *runs to save Ari in an extremely cool way*
Welcome Fan Fiction readers, to Ari's Corner! Where Ari, our host, tries to make people's problems disappear! And here is our host ARI (he didn't want me to say his last name because that will remind him of his father, and we don't want our host crying, do we?)
*Crowd claps half heartedly as Ari jogs onto the stage* *A child cries when seeing the face of our host*
"THIS IS ARI'S CORNER!" Ari screams and pounds his hands against his chest like an angry ape. Someone, in the distance, dog whistles.
Ari sits down in comfy looking chair. "Ladies and gentlewolves, today I will be talking to the audience about their problems!" *muffled gasp from audience* "Now, who's first?" Ari wiggled his eyebrows.
"This is Kara Hill." Matt, the announcer, said.
Ari smiled a…weird wolfy smile. "What's your problem Kara?"
Kara walked up to the microphone carefully. "Uhh, …"
Ari scoots out of his seat. "What child? Your mumbling?"
"MY BOYFRIEND IS FORCING ME TO HAVE SEX!" She screamed, then blushed.
Ari stood up, paced around a bit, then stretched out his very awkward looking wings.
"You know what kid, at least he loves you! The one I love never loved me! IN FACT she killed me once, then I came back to life, but STILL!" Ari bellowed. "BE THANKFUL!" The girl scurries to her seat.
Matt clears his throat in the microphone and said. "Next person?"
A boy around 16 walks up to the microphone and just stands there.
"Well," Ari said. "the mic isn't magically gonna tear out your vocal chords and speak for you!"
"This is Trent." Matt said hesitantly into the mic. Ari nodded in greeting, but still had his ugly wolfy face on.
"I just found out I had and HIV…can you make that disappear?" Trent asked. Ari looked at him as if he were stupid.
"Son, your only 16, what the hell have you been doin'?" Trent's face turned read and he stuttered random crap that wasn't understandable.
"Actually," Ari started. "never mind. I don't feel like hearing about your GROSS sex life!" The kid blushed again. "Did you have the HIV before, or did the girl…or boy give it to you."
Trent looked like he was about to puke. "Uhh. It w-was a g-girl!" Ok, he wasn't gay. "And s-she gave it to me!" Ari made an 'ew' face.
"Son, I HAVE FREAKIN' WINGS STAPPLED TO MY BACK!" Ari screamed…again. "I would rather have your gross HIV then have wings stapled to my back in a very painful fashion!"
Trent ran off the stage crying, joining Kara in the crowd. The audience looked in horror as Matt tried to calm poor Trent down. Matt then walked up to the mic, coughed loudly for around 2 minutes (trying to waste time) and said.
"Umm, anyone wanna be next?" I sure wouldn't want to be next. A women actually walked up. She seemed to be in her mid 30's.
"This is Karen." Matt said, and sent a sympathy look to Karen.
"Well, what's your prob ma'am." Ari said, slouching in his comfy chair.
"Hello, I'm a mother of 3," She explained. "and I have had a strange urge to kill my youngest child. What should I do." Ari straightened out.
"Hmm, that is something." Ari mused over it for a couple seconds. "You know what, go have fun with it! If you have that urge, then go shoot the kid, but enjoy yourself. We don't want the cops on your back." The women nodded and ran off the stage. She gave a strange Indian war call as she left the building.
Matt walked to the mic. "What the hell are you telling these people man?" He shouted."
Ari leaned back. "I'm having an urge to eat my announcer…" Matt's eyes widened.
"You're a freakin' cannibal!"
Ari laughed a…wolfy laugh. Ew. "Only 98% Cannibal. The other 2% are ok, so I wouldn't find it illegal." He smiled.
"Ummm," Matt looked like he was at a lose for words. "next person, next person, DEAR GOD next person!" He shouted while pulling a boy forcefully out of his seat forcefully and placed him in front of the microphone.
"What's your prob kid?" Ari asked. The boy looked confused.
"I don't have any problems." Ari stood up and pointed a finger at the kid.
"EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS! Like your fat, ugly, and you probably smell! Your mother should put a lock on your fridge so you don't have your 5th midnight snack!" The kid ran away crying.
Ari pointed to the camera. "You know what America? You are the fattest place on earth! STOP EATING! We don't want to sink this continent just because you want to have that one extra French fry! YOU ARE A BUNCH OF F-"
"Beep! We're sorry this broadcast as been interrupted. Please enjoy this other show that is being broadcasted. "WHOAAAA!" Rainbow the Rabbit gracefully fell down two flights of stairs. "That was fun! I'm only bleeding internally!" Toot the Owl was still at the top of the stairs. "I wanna try falling too!" So, Toot the Owl threw himself down the stairs…all you heard was THUMP THUMP THUMP, all through the building, and when he finally reached the bottom he was-
"We're sorry about the interruption." Matt said, facing the camera. "Some big men, with a big net, and a very big needle came to calm our host down." He said happily.
"I HOPE YOU ENJOYED ARI'S CORNER!" *theme music plays**lightning strikes**camers fades to black*
Weird? Yea, I know. NOW, I AM NOT TRYING TO HARM FEELINGS…this is just a random parody about how tragic Ari is. If you have HIV's, your boyfriend is forcing you to have sex, or your fat, I'm not trying to hurt your feelings! And if I did then I'm very, very sorry. Quotes By Me While Writing This Chapter: "Damn, if Ari actually existed, I would totally be dead…" "Aww, I feel bad for the little guy! He's only, like, nine and he looks like he's thirty! He's gonna need face lifts to the extreme!" "Rainbow's only bleeding internally….I should have killed him once and for all…" GUYS! I ALSO HAVE ANOTHER STORY CALLED Flock Madness! It's just as funny as this story (if you found it funny…I find it somewhat disturbing…but that's just me)