A/N: A/N: Wow. Alright, I need to warn everyone who is reading this that CitC is an intense episode, and if you are not ready to cry, then don't watch it at all. A lot happens. Like, a lot, a lot. Brace yourself. Make kleenex's available. Don't anticipate any kind of ending. Don't get your hopes up and don't expect the worst. Just immerse yourself in the story, and pretend you are there.
Right now, I'm hating that I got to watch it tonight, because I was so upset and now I have to wait another week. I mean, sure it'll be like that for everyone tomorrow, but you'll understand once you've watch it.
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I read the notes before you left
You said 'Death will have no words with me,
What tears this love is land and sea'
I was charmed by your poise
But he who has is he who destroys
And if this fact is wrong
Than love just has no value at all
And if love consumes us through miles of ocean,
I'll swim the distance my dear.
And You won't come back, I fear
-Blightly, Kiersten Holine
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It didn't matter anymore. None of it mattered to her anymore. Work didn't matter, being angry with Angela and Sweet's didn't matter. None of it mattered. All the ephemera in her life was just that - pointless things with no lasting meaning. The only thing that meant anyhting anymore was if he was okay - if Booth would be okay.
He'd said he'd help her, he'd told her not to worry about it. Truth be told, that was all he did. And because of what she'd done - because of what she'd asked - he broke. He lost it all.
And he'd said it. Not directly, but he did it. It broke her heart a bit more to know that that was how he felt.
"If I can't be involved, I don't want her to do it."
She'd known immediately as to what he was referring, she just didn't want to admit it. He'd admitted to what he wanted, and to make things worse, she denied him that small pleasure.
"I won't have a baby then. It doesn't matter."
And she then continued to lie. She told her friends that he would be okay. But if she couldn't believe it, how could she convince them? They wanted to make her feel better, but that was impossible. Nothing that they said mattered. Not one word could make a lick of difference.
Only he could do that; only he could comfort her. He had all the faith in the world in her. He believed that she would know if they were screwing up. That was all she ever needed to hear: that he thought that she could make it okay. She had the same faith in him.
When they put him under, she realized those could very well be the last moments she ever had with him. Yet, she did nothing. She said nothing. Because nothing she said could change the outcome of what happened. He could die. He could live.
He should live. He should be okay.
And if he wasn't, he wanted her to have his baby. She would get to keep a part of him forever if she couldn't have him. He took her hand and they wheeled him into the operating room. That moment, she thought to herself, could very well be the beginning of the end.
She held his hand until his muscles went limp and his fingers were no longer intertwined with her own. Would that be the last time she saw his beautiful eyes? What about his smile? Would she ever get to hold him again, would she ever have the chance to be held?
Would she ever get the chance to be loved?
Two hours, she thought. Two hours and this will all be over. It will all be okay.
They were the longest two hours of her life. Although they were only feet apart, it seemed to her as if she and Booth were separated by massive, raging oceans. Although their proximity was, in reality, near, she felt so distanced from him. As if there were hours between them.
The doctors knew what they were doing, or it seemed so to Brennan. She did not soeak to them, she did not listen. She just watched. Whether she watched Booth's chest rise then fall, or if she watched the heart monitor or if she watched them cutting into his brain - it did not matter. She was there with him.
Other than being there for him, she was utterly helpless. She couldn't leave him in there to be with her friends, because in the grand scheme, it didn't matter if they were scared. He needed her. She couldn't help the doctors, she had no idea what the hell good she could do.
So, she watched silently, and was left with her thoughts. Terrible, tragic thoughts.
She realized then that no matter how many oceans or miles separated her and Booth, metaphorical or not, they did not matter. She would cross them all if it meant she had the chance to see him smile one last time. She would do anything to be able to go with him and eat a slice of pie, or have a cup of coffee. To hold his hand one last time. God know what she would do to tell him all her secrets, her thoughts and feelings.
And yet, she was so, so far from getting that chance. She had had that chance. Almost five years worth of chances. Chances wasted. If he didn't make it, her love wouldn't matter because no one would be there to accept it. No one could return it, or cherish it.
He wouldn't be there to love her back. And what would she do then?
She would do nothing if he did not return - if he was not okay.
She looked up at the clock. Twenty seven minutes and thirty one seconds left. Then it would either end or continue on. His heart would stop or it would keep on beating.
Surely with all they had been through, they could get through this. Couldn't they?
Her fingernails were starting to break the skin on the inside of her palm because her fists were clenched so tightly.
What scared her most is that Booth always promised irrational things, but this time, he never told her it would be okay. He'd done the opposite. He didn't think he was going to make it, she realized. He thought he was going to die.
She was consumed by her thoughts again. Why had he not reassured her? Did he not want her to hope that he'd be alright? Although it was very out of character for her, she certainly would hope, wish, and maybe even pray, that he would be alright.
Nine minutes, eleven seconds.
They were basically finished. They were sewing him back up. Removing the tube from his throat. They were speaking to her, but she did not hear the surgeons. She exited the room, washed her hands and went to the waiting room.
Her - their friends all rose. "They're almost done, they're going to move him back to his room. I don't know if or when you'll be able to see him. When the RN comes out, you can ask her. I think it went alright."
She was rambling. Angela stepped towards her and took her in her arms. And that was when Brennan broke down completely. She tears fell onto Angela's shirt. Angela just held her.
"Sweetie, go."
Brennan nodded and headed back towards Booth's private room.
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She had pulled up the sole awkward hospital chair so that it was right next to Booth. So she could watch his every movement. And every time he stirred, she let out a sigh of relief. He was going to be okay.
Several hours after he'd gotten out of surgery, Angela, Hodgins, Cam and Sweets had all left and promised to return. The doctors did not even try and make her leave. They knew she wouldn't budge.
And still, no matter how near they were, she still felt as if she were miles away.
When Booth finally awoke, she had been starring at the wall, and she did not realize that his eyes had opened. "B..Bones?" he asked, his throat still dry and scratchy from the breathing tube from the surgery.
"Booth... Oh my God." She handed him a cup of water and he slowly emptied it.
"You look tired, Bones." He smiled a small smile.
"If my face looks tired, my heart must look worse." She said as a lone tear escaped her eye, and travelled down her cheek.
"I'm okay," he said. "Please don't cry."
"They're happy tears," she replied.
"Bones, you need to get some sleep."
Brennan rolled her eyes, but then her mood was solemn again. "I can't leave Booth. I can't." She started to cry freely then. "I feel so far from you. Like no matter what I say or do, it will never be enough." She wiped her cheeks with her sleeve.
He took her hand and brought it to his lips and kissed her knuckles. "Then sleep here." He patted the bed.
Brennan crawled up beside him and relaxed into him. "I was so scared, Booth."
"I know, Bones," he said. "I know."
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